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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I unreasonable to have a third baby?

157 replies

To3ornot · 02/04/2023 08:39

Hello MNs

I know this has been done to death but I really need some outside perspective.

Our situation:

  • married 10 years
  • two children age 4 & 23 months
  • own house with mortgage 5 beds
  • big car (electric) so wouldn’t need to change it
  • always wanted 3
  • I’m stay at home mum
  • household income approx £90k

Both of us have always wanted three but now I’m second guessing myself. I’ve breastfed both of mine for a long time, over two years my eldest and still going with DD now at 21 months.

Ds is starting school in September and DD will go to preschool two mornings a week so I feel like I’m just getting back to myself a bit more. My eldest didn’t sleep until he was 2 and DD still not sleeping through yet.

Im just wondering if the benefit of having an extra sibling is worth it for the children or whether they would be better off us splitting our time/ money/ emotional resources between just the two of them.

If you were one of three would you mind sharing how you found it? Especially if you had this sort of age gap (about 3 years between). Or if you’ve got three how do you find it?

Im so torn because on paper it looks like a no brainier to me that we can do it but then I’m so worried about another 3 years of feeding/ no sleep and the impact on my current children plus then down the line uni fees etc. I go back and forth every day!

Is there anything I’ve not thought about?

Voting: YABU to have another YANBU to have another

OP posts:
FFF3 · 02/04/2023 09:24

It’s not a logical decision - no argument will ever be in favour of having a third for practical / sensible reasons. I have three because we felt we wanted another. It’s wonderful, and we’re so glad we had him (just like the other two) - but three is a lot. The thing is, if you really want one more you’ll be prepared to take it all on. It’s a decision of the heart.

Lcb123 · 02/04/2023 09:26

My personal opinion is that no one should have more than two children because of our impact on the planet

Original poster
To3ornot · 02/04/2023 09:26

KateAusten · 02/04/2023 09:19

Are you trying for a boy?

I have one of each and genuinely wouldn’t mind either way!

OP posts:
TinySaltLick · 02/04/2023 09:27

thegrain · 02/04/2023 09:10

No its not as all the baby stuff has already been bought

Show quote history

I'm not sure you can attribute a sixth of lifetime environmental impact from baby clothes and a high chair

Original poster
To3ornot · 02/04/2023 09:27

What was your eldests thoughts on it? I know either decision I make will be for me/DH but I do want to centre my existing children in the decision if that makes sense?

OP posts:
Justputitdown · 02/04/2023 09:27

Movingsoon21 · 02/04/2023 08:51

OP sounds like you can afford it so this is literally just a question of do you and DH want another. Which we can’t answer!

The 3rd child could be the absolute making of your family or at the other end of the spectrum they could have severe disabilities which take up all your time and finances. none of us have a crystal ball so we just don’t know.

Don’t factor whether it’s a “benefit” to your other kids into it. Some kids hate their siblings, others love them, you have no way of knowing which way it will go. Having 2 already means you’ve now lost the arguments of “they’ll be lonely” or “they will have the burden of caring for us on their own when we’re old”.

Just go on what YOU and DH feel is right for you.

This is great advice.

Original poster
To3ornot · 02/04/2023 09:28

To3ornot · 02/04/2023 09:27

What was your eldests thoughts on it? I know either decision I make will be for me/DH but I do want to centre my existing children in the decision if that makes sense?

Oops sorry this was for @DelphiniumBlue

OP posts:
Original poster
To3ornot · 02/04/2023 09:29

FFF3 · 02/04/2023 09:24

It’s not a logical decision - no argument will ever be in favour of having a third for practical / sensible reasons. I have three because we felt we wanted another. It’s wonderful, and we’re so glad we had him (just like the other two) - but three is a lot. The thing is, if you really want one more you’ll be prepared to take it all on. It’s a decision of the heart.

I think this is the crux of it isn’t it.

maybe I should give it six months and if we’re still undecided maybe it’s a no as you’re right, if we really want to be a family of five we’ll suck up the practicalities. Obviously my life would have been easier without any children at all but I wouldn’t change them for the world!

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 02/04/2023 09:31

You’re totally unreasonable to start thinking about “uni fees” before your eldest has even started school.

Quichetiger · 02/04/2023 09:32

In your situation I would do it! I would love a third but house and car too small, my career is just taking off and I have health issues that would make it hard for me. Without all that I’d love to!

Original poster
To3ornot · 02/04/2023 09:35

Blossomtoes · 02/04/2023 09:31

You’re totally unreasonable to start thinking about “uni fees” before your eldest has even started school.

Why? Surely that’s a reasonable expectation of a huge outlay? Genuinely not sure why that’s unreasonable?

OP posts:
35965a · 02/04/2023 09:35

As one of three myself I wouldn’t have more than 2, ever.

Original poster
To3ornot · 02/04/2023 09:35

Thank you all for such good advice and opinions - I’m reading them all out to my husband and it’s prompting good discussion

OP posts:
Original poster
To3ornot · 02/04/2023 09:35

35965a · 02/04/2023 09:35

As one of three myself I wouldn’t have more than 2, ever.

Would you mind saying why?

OP posts:
Movingsoon21 · 02/04/2023 09:36

Op I see where you’re coming from but please don’t ask your eldest for their opinion on it. A five year old has no concept of what a 3rd sibling would mean over the course of their life and it’s far too much responsibility to put in their hands. This is a decision for you and DH alone and you need to own it rather than passing the buck to a child.

DelphiniumBlue · 02/04/2023 09:37

Sorry posted too soon.
But the point was, having a 3rd dc added so much joy to our lives. They are all grown up now, but are close, as in each others first port of call. The older ones have always involved dc3 in their lives, and continue to look after him now, helping with uni work, careers advice,that sort of thing.
For us as parents, of course 3 is logistically more difficult than 2, but it's not that much extra work, and number 3 seemed to fit in to whatever was going on, and was entertained by his siblings. We did have to think of ways to keep a toddler away from older siblings Lego building and make sure that the elder 2 weren't too impacted or restricted by the baby , but he very quickly learned how to behave so as not to annoy them.
We did have more years of night waking, in fact I had over a decade of broken sleep, but feeding a 3rd baby is really easy, and you don't have to go on for 2 years.
You sound well placed to have a 3rd, so I'd really recommend it!

Nimbostratus100 · 02/04/2023 09:37

To3ornot · 02/04/2023 09:27

What was your eldests thoughts on it? I know either decision I make will be for me/DH but I do want to centre my existing children in the decision if that makes sense?

dont be daft, keep them out of it altogether- no reason to involve children in this decision, and a thousand reasons not to.

What if they say yes and you go for it? And have another? It will seem like a lifetime away for them, and they could well change their minds in that time, what if they say yes and you dont ever get pregnant? What if they say yes and you have a disabled child they blame themselves for forever? What if they say no, and you get pregnant accidently?

Totally inappropriate to bring existing children into this decision

35965a · 02/04/2023 09:40

To3ornot · 02/04/2023 09:35

Would you mind saying why?

Show quote history

Everything was just spread so thin - my parent’s time and money. Holidays were difficult because everything is centred for 4. As siblings one was always the ‘odd one out’ - the whole three is a crowd thing was very noticeable at times. There was a lot of noise and squabbling. I don’t think there’s ever any benefit to giving a child a sibling at all, it’s a gamble because there are plenty of siblings who don’t get on at all and never have.

LadyKenya · 02/04/2023 09:40

They are children, they will not have the foresight to think of certain things that could happen/ go wrong. This is a decision for you, and your husband only.

Original poster
To3ornot · 02/04/2023 09:41

Sorry to clarify quickly I didn’t mean I would ask my existing children!! I meant I as the parent want to make sure I’m making this decision with their best interests in mind as they are already here.

I have never had any intention of asking the children and absolutely would not do that.

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 02/04/2023 09:43

To3ornot · 02/04/2023 09:41

Sorry to clarify quickly I didn’t mean I would ask my existing children!! I meant I as the parent want to make sure I’m making this decision with their best interests in mind as they are already here.

I have never had any intention of asking the children and absolutely would not do that.

sorry, I misunderstood you x

owiz · 02/04/2023 09:45

Sounds like your life is well set up for it now (except the household income, it wouldnt be enough for me to consider it but appreciate for many it would be) but the main other consideration outside of finances is time, do you feel you can share your time well across 3 (likely if a SAHM) but then considering what happens if the marriage breaks down, having 3 children as a single parent is a lot more than 2 (plus the financial considerations of being out of work for so long).

Itsatwinthing · 02/04/2023 09:47

I had one child then we decided we wanted a second.....we had twins as babies #2 and #3. Three is hard, the lack of 1-2-1 time is hard for them too I'm sure. They are all lovely but it's very busy

owiz · 02/04/2023 09:47

Oh and to your point, no I absolutely do not think the benefit of an extra sibling (when already having one) outweighs the division of finances and parental time, and that was ultimately what made my mind up, I had to think about the kids I already had (I do work though so was l concerned about time for them).

Blossomtoes · 02/04/2023 09:48

To3ornot · 02/04/2023 09:35

Why? Surely that’s a reasonable expectation of a huge outlay? Genuinely not sure why that’s unreasonable?

Show quote history

Because you’re making so many assumptions. You’re assuming all your kids will want to go to university and be bright enough to do so. That the fee structure will be the same in 15 or 20 years’ time, that there will still be the same quantity of places. Why would your outlay be “huge”? Surely your kids would have loans just like everyone else’s?

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