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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable over flat tyre on car DD or DH

185 replies

Safarigiraffe · 01/04/2023 21:15

Hi DD19 came home with flat tyre after work today & husband wasn’t too happy about it & started shouting about it not at her but about the car having a flat tyre. Bit of background here - DD has paid 1700 this month from her wages/savings towards the car to pay it off & is also paying off her student finance. So DD didn’t think it was right for her to pay 100 pounds for the flat tyre but DH didn’t want to pay it as it isn’t his car even though DD is paying a lot of money towards the car to pay it off & student finance to pay that off as well. DH reluctantly paid the 100 pounds for the flat tyre but isn’t happy about it and both are not talking to the other as they both argued about it. So who is being more unreasonable & AIBU to keep out of it or just let them get on with it

OP posts:
NeverHadANickname · 01/04/2023 22:53

DH shouldn't have been shouting about it, these things happen. Sounds like it is DDs car, she should have paid for it. Whatever else she has paid for is irrelevant.

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 01/04/2023 22:55

If it's her car why would your husband pay for it?

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 01/04/2023 22:58

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 01/04/2023 22:55

If it's her car why would your husband pay for it?

Cos my husband bought the car and took out a loan for it which DD is paying him back for to clear the loan amount

OP posts:
Sparklynewname · 01/04/2023 23:05

I asked DS on Thursday “where is your car? I haven’t seen it for weeks. You need to take it out for a run so it doesn’t seize or die”. Then he fessed up to having a flat tyre. I went and looked at the car and he has clipped a curb coming off the dual carriageway and buckled his wheel, punctured and shredded the front tyre and caused a big bulge on the back tyre. He hadn’t told us as he thought it was going to be super expensive to fix and he’s been waiting for 2+months for his security clearance to start his job so he has no money.
Not only did I pay for the replacement tyres and wheel (he will pay me back over a few months when he is working), I also took him to the garage to order a new wheel, helped him to put the spare on so we could go and get the non mangled wheels tyre replaced, then took the flipping flat spare back off the car and took it AND the mangled wheel to the garage to get them to inflate the spare and double check we were ordering the correct wheel. Then went with him to get the new tyres ordered, then decided it was too cold to wait for fitting as it was two hrs plus so I got out of bed this morning to wake him to go and do it. Then realised he was really wheezy so I did it myself and left him at home in the warm.
And to top it all off, I nearly knocked myself out cold as his boot struts failed as I was going into his boot for tools. So I have also looked up replacement boot struts and we will attempt to replace them together.
Multiple people stopped to offer help with changing the wheel which was lovely of them but we explained that it was a lesson for DS and a refresher for me! The drug dealer at the bottom of our road offered help and then couldn’t bear to watch us in the pouring rain and went to get his socket and drill as it was hammering down but he gave them to DS and told him what to do and actually reminded me of a very important safety tip, put the wheel underneath the car while it’s still on the Jack in case the Jack fails!
It’s been an expensive weekend for DS and I with lots and lots of wheel removing and head banging. It IS DS’s car in his name with his insurance and we don’t drive it so he is responsible for it’s repair and upkeep but we also know what a shock repair bills can be and will always loan both kids the money to keep them on the road and take repayments slowly from their wages.
DD is at uni in London so she ended putting her boyfriend on her insurance and leaving her car in Reading with him as his car died over summer and she realised when she got to London with her car that I was right, she wouldn’t find anywhere to park it!
These are all life lessons and if we are able to help them navigate the way without too much problem then I don’t see the problem with that. Your DH should have just said to DD that it sadly is up to her to repair or replace the tyre as it’s her car but (if you are able to afford it) that you could front her the money to help out. Then follow that up with a reminder that whilst you understand her desire to pay off the car etc she needs to have a little bit of a slush fund for unforeseen circumstances. Then in future she won’t panic if she finds she needs to suddenly pay out for something that’s gone wrong on the car.

Talipesmum · 01/04/2023 23:08

Entirely your DD’s responsibility- her car, she got the flat tyre. If she asked nicely without expectation for a loan to cover the cost till next month, then fair enough, but from the way you’ve phrased it it sounds like she thinks she’s paid more than enough towards the car this month and it’s someone else’s turn. Apologies if that read wrong! But either way - totally her responsibility to pay it.

Zingy123 · 01/04/2023 23:08

What they are doing is committing insurance fraud. They will both have to declare it for life when they get caught.

Talipesmum · 01/04/2023 23:10

Also, unreasonable of your DH to be angry because she got a flat - but not unreasonable for him to be angry that she thinks it’s not her responsibility to pay for it.

cherrypied · 01/04/2023 23:11

Why don't you pay for it?

SD1978 · 01/04/2023 23:12

It's her responsibility. It's her car, even if he's on it as the main driver in order to save some money, and it had a flat. Would she pay for a flat that you had on your car? Your DH is right about this one.

FictionalCharacter · 01/04/2023 23:15

The insurance fraud could be a big problem if she has an accident and needs to claim. DH and DD should fix that. She needs her own policy as main driver.

Of course she should pay for the tyre. It's her car, she uses it for work every day and she's paying him for it. She was driving it when it went flat. I'm confused though, did she drive home on a flat? She could have damaged the wheel.

TrashyPanda · 01/04/2023 23:15

Safarigiraffe · 01/04/2023 22:58

Cos my husband bought the car and took out a loan for it which DD is paying him back for to clear the loan amount

Show quote history

That doesn’t make sense.

it’s her car - so it’s her responsibility. There’s nothing to argue about. She pays. She sounds very ungrateful.

not even going there with the whole insurance stuff.

ohsuzannah · 01/04/2023 23:26

@Sparklynewname I love your reply! Smile

Pixiedust1234 · 01/04/2023 23:26

Safarigiraffe · 01/04/2023 22:58

Cos my husband bought the car and took out a loan for it which DD is paying him back for to clear the loan amount

Show quote history

By the same logic...if DD had taken out the bank loan herself would she have expected the bank to pay for her tyre? 🤔

thenightsky · 01/04/2023 23:31

SofiaAmes · 01/04/2023 21:19

Why does a flat tyre cost 100 pounds to repair?

This.

NameChangingIsMySuperPower · 01/04/2023 23:32

Not sure why your DH is shouting. It's no one's fault.

If your daughter is a responsible driver and is generally decent, and you can afford to pay out £100 then that would be nice of you. If you can't, then maybe you could loan her the money.

thenightsky · 01/04/2023 23:35

Sparklynewname · 01/04/2023 23:05

I asked DS on Thursday “where is your car? I haven’t seen it for weeks. You need to take it out for a run so it doesn’t seize or die”. Then he fessed up to having a flat tyre. I went and looked at the car and he has clipped a curb coming off the dual carriageway and buckled his wheel, punctured and shredded the front tyre and caused a big bulge on the back tyre. He hadn’t told us as he thought it was going to be super expensive to fix and he’s been waiting for 2+months for his security clearance to start his job so he has no money.
Not only did I pay for the replacement tyres and wheel (he will pay me back over a few months when he is working), I also took him to the garage to order a new wheel, helped him to put the spare on so we could go and get the non mangled wheels tyre replaced, then took the flipping flat spare back off the car and took it AND the mangled wheel to the garage to get them to inflate the spare and double check we were ordering the correct wheel. Then went with him to get the new tyres ordered, then decided it was too cold to wait for fitting as it was two hrs plus so I got out of bed this morning to wake him to go and do it. Then realised he was really wheezy so I did it myself and left him at home in the warm.
And to top it all off, I nearly knocked myself out cold as his boot struts failed as I was going into his boot for tools. So I have also looked up replacement boot struts and we will attempt to replace them together.
Multiple people stopped to offer help with changing the wheel which was lovely of them but we explained that it was a lesson for DS and a refresher for me! The drug dealer at the bottom of our road offered help and then couldn’t bear to watch us in the pouring rain and went to get his socket and drill as it was hammering down but he gave them to DS and told him what to do and actually reminded me of a very important safety tip, put the wheel underneath the car while it’s still on the Jack in case the Jack fails!
It’s been an expensive weekend for DS and I with lots and lots of wheel removing and head banging. It IS DS’s car in his name with his insurance and we don’t drive it so he is responsible for it’s repair and upkeep but we also know what a shock repair bills can be and will always loan both kids the money to keep them on the road and take repayments slowly from their wages.
DD is at uni in London so she ended putting her boyfriend on her insurance and leaving her car in Reading with him as his car died over summer and she realised when she got to London with her car that I was right, she wouldn’t find anywhere to park it!
These are all life lessons and if we are able to help them navigate the way without too much problem then I don’t see the problem with that. Your DH should have just said to DD that it sadly is up to her to repair or replace the tyre as it’s her car but (if you are able to afford it) that you could front her the money to help out. Then follow that up with a reminder that whilst you understand her desire to pay off the car etc she needs to have a little bit of a slush fund for unforeseen circumstances. Then in future she won’t panic if she finds she needs to suddenly pay out for something that’s gone wrong on the car.

Yeah... this. Been there, got that t-shirt.

BMW6 · 01/04/2023 23:40

Well it's DDs car so she should pay.

MarchMadness23 · 01/04/2023 23:43

lljkk · 01/04/2023 22:04

New tyre cost me £30 last year. £15 if they had repaired it. I'm wondering where £100 estimate comes from.

Depend where you live? What tyres the garage stocks!

mine was £88 per tyre last month, just decent average tyres.

MarchMadness23 · 01/04/2023 23:45

@lljkk and that's possibly because I booked them
with my service & had two replaced. If it was just one tyre it may have been £100.

Coolblur · 01/04/2023 23:47

It's not illegal to own a car and have another person as the main driver on the insurance with the owner as a named driver. But only if that's the true arrangement, Having someone else as the main driver for insurance purposes when you own it and drive it most of the time is illegal. I doubt the insurance company would find out though, unless one of the drivers told them.

Regarding your post, your DD should pay as it's her car, unless her Dad was driving when the puncture occured, when he should offer to pay.

Florenz · 01/04/2023 23:54

Coolblur · 01/04/2023 23:47

It's not illegal to own a car and have another person as the main driver on the insurance with the owner as a named driver. But only if that's the true arrangement, Having someone else as the main driver for insurance purposes when you own it and drive it most of the time is illegal. I doubt the insurance company would find out though, unless one of the drivers told them.

Regarding your post, your DD should pay as it's her car, unless her Dad was driving when the puncture occured, when he should offer to pay.

They'd find out if there was an accident and the costs involved were such that it'd be worth them digging that deep. You can pull diagnostic reports and examine driving patterns to determine who has been driving the car at various times. I've been involved with claims where this has happened and the insurance has been voided due to fronting with the liable driver being sued into bankruptcy (non guilty party required lifelong care due to injuries sustained in the accident). Do not lie to insurance companies, even if might save you a few pounds on the premium, the risk is just not worth it.

furryfrontbottom · 01/04/2023 23:55

Presumably you have had 'the talk' with your daughter about putting money each month into a fund to cover unexpected expenses?

Moveoverdarlin · 01/04/2023 23:57

Can you not suggest they go halves? Yes it’s her car and her responsibility but give her a break. Motoring is expensive and it sounds like she’s a pretty responsible 19 year old if she can afford to pay off £1700 this month. Dads help daughters out with stuff like this. Can you be peace maker and suggest chipping in a third too. It’s not worth the fall-out.

MarchMadness23 · 01/04/2023 23:58

My Dad would have shouted if I had been stupid enough to to drive home on a flat tyre. It's dangerous & bad for the rims.

DD should pay, she needs to explain why she thinks she shouldn't (I need a laugh!)

my Dad would have paid for it when I was very young (drivers licence st 15 overseas) but out of kindness, not because it was his responsibility & certainly not if I'd said what your DD said.

you sound like you agree with your DD, why?? Why should DH pay it? Her paying more than she needed to to pay the car off, is on her & doesn't mean you have to pay for anything else she needs/wants this month. Budgeting is a skill.

SpecialControlGroup · 02/04/2023 00:00

Cos my husband bought the car and took out a loan for it which DD is paying him back for to clear the loan amount

So he did her a favour, and now your daughter believes that makes him responsible? That's not how the real world works, it's either her car and she pays, or it is not her car and she doesn't.