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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely furious/heartbroken about SILs baby name choice?

805 replies

CarinaBee · 01/04/2023 19:10

I set up a new account for this, lots of identifying points here but here goes. I am fully prepared to be told that I have no right to influence the name someone chooses for their baby. but to preface, I feel sick to my stomach over this.

my DH is a twin. His sister is known to be somewhat difficult in the family. Bit of a diva, tends to get her own way. She’s 38. We get on ok but she’s quite possessive of DH and likes to see him alone every now and then. Fine by me but does get a little tiring to hear how being a twin eclipses everything and you couldn’t possibly understand if you don’t have one. I can let a lot slide - the fairly frequent requests for money from DH for one thing. They have 2 other brothers. I get on very well with MIL but we’ve had previous incidents where SIL has been jealous because I’ve seen MIL without her for example. They’re close and good luck to them, I’m not trying to ‘steal’ your Mum from you.

DH’s family are a very close supportive unit and I admire that. By comparison, I had one sister and our mother was an unpleasant alcoholic. Mercifully I had my sister who was 7 years older than me and filled every gap left where Mum didn’t.

long story short, she died after a short but awful illness in 2006 leaving behind 2 very small children. I lived with her during her illness and was finally able to repay the devotion, love and care she always showed me. until my daughter came along 2 years ago, I don’t think I have ever matched the love I feel for her and I will long for her until the day I die.

my SIL has had a baby girl and she’s chosen the same name as my sister. I won’t share it here because it is identifying but know that it is not a common name by any stretch of the imagination. She has 2 sons and now “finally has her girl” and has apparently always wanted to use this name. first I’ve heard of it.

DH told me after he got off the phone and it made me sick to my stomach. He wasn’t prepared to say anything but I didn’t ask him to. Disappointed he didn’t though. I said to MIL that I am devastated but didn’t make a fuss and said I wouldn’t mention to SIL. She told her and all he’ll broke loose. It was 20 years ago, I need to let go and I don’t own the name.

dH and I have been having problems lately and frankly this feels like the final straw. I am the least demanding person - actually probably lean towards being more of a people pleaser, prefer an easy life. But this is too much. I have never shaken the feeling of how cheated my beautiful sister was in life and it’s just so hurtful. There are endless girls names to choose from.

OP posts:
Bugbabe1970 · 04/04/2023 08:43

Oh and that money your husband lends her...that needs to stop!

BajaBaja · 04/04/2023 10:31

Good luck with everything OP, it is the best decision to remove yourself from toxic people. It’s not an easy decision, but definitely for the benefit of yourself and your child. You owe them nothing. Stay strong.

onwardsup4 · 04/04/2023 10:48

AngeloMysterioso · 02/04/2023 09:01

So, exactly how many people is this name strictly off limits to? Clearly in laws are absolutely forbidden from using it, who else? Close friends? Not particularly close friends? Acquaintances? Colleagues? Next door neighbours? Second cousins? How far removed from OP does someone have to be before they are allowed to give their child the same name as OPs sister who they never knew?

But why would you want to ? This is ops husbands twin sister , just why would you want to ? There are 18,000 girls names to choose from. Some people honestly .

devilsice123 · 04/04/2023 10:50

I’m so sorry for the loss of your sister, my SIL did the same thing to me. We chose a name and she suddenly decided after finding out she was having a boy, that she was going to use this name. We were pregnant at the same time and she told everyone she didn’t want to have a scan to find out the sex she wanted a surprise, then when I found out I was having a boy she suddenly decided to find out. In the end I thought it’s not worth an argument so changed our boys name. I think the name we chose suits him more to be honest. Can’t she have the name as a middle name? I can see how upsetting it must be for you x

onwardsup4 · 04/04/2023 10:54

sussexpud · 03/04/2023 18:44

I think YABU. She likes the name and chose it for her daughter. End of story.

Oh what a lovey way to be.

Puppers · 04/04/2023 11:01

HandScreen · 04/04/2023 07:50

Family is important to some people 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

Family is important to most people; being enmeshed is something else. Being close to family doesn’t render most of us unable to see when our relatives are being unkind or unreasonable and to challenge them if we need to. The complete inability to stand up for oneself or one’s partner when it’s sorely needed is a sign of being enmeshed. It’s not healthy.

MsRosley · 04/04/2023 11:30

"she explained that obviously she has to support her daughter at the moment and I understand that"

Why? If my daughter was acting with such revolting insensitivity, she'd be getting all hell from me. Not good enough from your MIL, OP.

TooManyCoasters · 04/04/2023 11:41

What does sil’s partner think of all this? Is he happy with the choice of name and as inflexible as sil? I can’t imagine I would want my child’s name tarnished by any drama or ill-feeling.

SerafinasGoose · 04/04/2023 12:58

TooManyCoasters · 04/04/2023 11:41

What does sil’s partner think of all this? Is he happy with the choice of name and as inflexible as sil? I can’t imagine I would want my child’s name tarnished by any drama or ill-feeling.

She will view it as a victory over an adversary; the act that enabled her to prize her enmeshed brother loose from his family.

That type are likely to get untold pleasure from this. I know it's difficult for you or I, or any ordinary, empathetic person with a shred of decency to even contemplate what goes on in the heads of such people. You need to have seen them in action not to conclude that 'surely no one names a baby to spite someone else'.

It's quite surprising the list of things that 'no one' would do. Sometimes the actions of such people have to be witnessed to be believed. I've seen it in action; I have a SiL who sounds not dissimilar to OP's.

On a separate note and not in response to the above post: aside from the well-meaning marriage guidance upthread, the choice respecting the future of the marriage is OP's. This isn't an impulsive person throwing her rattle away in a fit of pique, although given the pain caused to her by the situation and DH's apparent indifference, it would be understandable even if it were. But this is a decision that has previously been considered and even discussed between the partners. If this situation is the one OP has decided is the last straw, then she is the one best-placed to know whether the marriage is salvageable or not.

She's decided not. IMO, posters need to respect this. Trying to dissuade someone from a decision already made in the interests of their own wellbeing - a difficult choice but one long-coming by the sounds of it - is way beyond the remit of this thread.

nordicwannabe · 04/04/2023 13:39

You are as wise as your namesake @SerafinasGoose !

I'd hoped to give OP visibility of a way she relates to people that might be so ingrained in her that she can't see it - new perspectives being the strength of mumsnet.

But you're right that OP is very measured, strong in tune with herself - and of course she knows best what is right for her.

OP - I wish you all the very best: whatever you decide to do and whatever your future holds. You'll be grand Smile

bogbabe · 04/04/2023 13:54

You don't sound unreasonable to me, the opposite in fact. You are bending over backwards to be fair. SIL sounds ignorant at best, and a bitch at worst. Well done you for your position.

5ammadness · 04/04/2023 14:48

Could it be, that she thought it was a tribute of some kind? I considered using Grandparents names for children and even pets, and always assumed my parents would love that.

Bloopsie · 04/04/2023 15:20

onwardsup4 · 04/04/2023 10:48

But why would you want to ? This is ops husbands twin sister , just why would you want to ? There are 18,000 girls names to choose from. Some people honestly .

Show quote history

If someone likes a name they like that name, why cant she use a name that has been commonly uaed for hundreds of years because of a person she never met in her life?

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 04/04/2023 15:27

Bloopsie · 01/04/2023 19:45

Camilla is 311th most popular name and Camila 12th in the US, none of the royals have rare names but very common and always found in the most popular name lists. (Catherine,charlotte,edward,william,charles..)

Its a name carried by tens of thousands if other people. One my children is named with the same name as my husbands ex,his longest relationship before me to a woman who he was engaged to- when i named her i didnt name her after his ex,i just liked the name and her name represents to me her not anyone else.

two weird things in this post.

your kid being named after your partner's ex fiancee and you saying 'when I named her'.

Bloopsie · 04/04/2023 15:31

TooManyCoasters · 04/04/2023 11:41

What does sil’s partner think of all this? Is he happy with the choice of name and as inflexible as sil? I can’t imagine I would want my child’s name tarnished by any drama or ill-feeling.

You would change change your name after already registering with a name both parents agreed and liked- because of a third persons feelings about the person you have never met?

OP needs to deal with her trauma perhaps with professional help, if anything its out of order that she tarnishes a celebratory event like a new life coming to this world with drama, the name is not unique,i was looking through baby name lists today it was even in the top names in sweden and the baltics. I still dont see the massive offensive bit,if anything a compliment her sister has a pretty name and since she was a kind and caring person perhaps the little girl will share her characteristics beside sharing a name.

Bloopsie · 04/04/2023 15:39

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 04/04/2023 15:27

two weird things in this post.

your kid being named after your partner's ex fiancee and you saying 'when I named her'.

Show quote history

my husband obviously stayed away from trying to name our daughter with the same name as his ex, that would have been bizarre if it had been his idea and would have resulted in an instant turn down.

I never met the woman so i got no feelings attatched to the name, why would i want to go all the way to not use a name that i like which i thought fits beautifully with the name from my native country,my husband agreed they sound nice together and suit the baby- just because of a person i dont even know and was decades ago in my husbands life,thats so juvenile. More people need to chill when it comes to names, sapecially the name callers in this post, whatever the name you either like it or you dont,when you name a baby it either feels “right” or it dosent, its not a discussion for the whole village what the childs name should be but just between the parents.

Chartreuse45 · 04/04/2023 16:12

I caught up by just reading your posts OP and at first I was taken aback that you were separating but then I saw that yes, it's just too much. You are not a priority for him, his sister can do whatever she wishes and he'll back her up. As you say he didn't have to shout or scream at her, a quiet but firm word with her expressing his disappointment would have made all the difference and he should not have gone. His absense would have given the family an indication that she had overstepped the boundaries and maybe encouraged other members to rethink. What she has done is imo indefensible. Wishing you all the best and though you are sad for your child, remember she won't see your feelings being essentially ignored.

TooManyCoasters · 04/04/2023 16:39

SerafinasGoose · 04/04/2023 12:58

She will view it as a victory over an adversary; the act that enabled her to prize her enmeshed brother loose from his family.

That type are likely to get untold pleasure from this. I know it's difficult for you or I, or any ordinary, empathetic person with a shred of decency to even contemplate what goes on in the heads of such people. You need to have seen them in action not to conclude that 'surely no one names a baby to spite someone else'.

It's quite surprising the list of things that 'no one' would do. Sometimes the actions of such people have to be witnessed to be believed. I've seen it in action; I have a SiL who sounds not dissimilar to OP's.

On a separate note and not in response to the above post: aside from the well-meaning marriage guidance upthread, the choice respecting the future of the marriage is OP's. This isn't an impulsive person throwing her rattle away in a fit of pique, although given the pain caused to her by the situation and DH's apparent indifference, it would be understandable even if it were. But this is a decision that has previously been considered and even discussed between the partners. If this situation is the one OP has decided is the last straw, then she is the one best-placed to know whether the marriage is salvageable or not.

She's decided not. IMO, posters need to respect this. Trying to dissuade someone from a decision already made in the interests of their own wellbeing - a difficult choice but one long-coming by the sounds of it - is way beyond the remit of this thread.

Show quote history

Indeed.

I was wondering in my post though what the father of the baby’s thinking was in all this. Whether he was aware of the controversy and how it was affecting him.

Bloopsie · 04/04/2023 17:03

Chartreuse45 · 04/04/2023 16:12

I caught up by just reading your posts OP and at first I was taken aback that you were separating but then I saw that yes, it's just too much. You are not a priority for him, his sister can do whatever she wishes and he'll back her up. As you say he didn't have to shout or scream at her, a quiet but firm word with her expressing his disappointment would have made all the difference and he should not have gone. His absense would have given the family an indication that she had overstepped the boundaries and maybe encouraged other members to rethink. What she has done is imo indefensible. Wishing you all the best and though you are sad for your child, remember she won't see your feelings being essentially ignored.

As a sister myself if my brother came to quiet have a quiet or a loud word about the name choice for my child I would politely,for the sake of our parents- tell him to mind his own business.

Reading some posts here is like median age is 13. OP is obviously still grieving..not in a healthy way.

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 04/04/2023 17:14

Reading some posts here is like median age is 13. OP is obviously still grieving..not in a healthy way.

that's funny actually as after reading your contributions I was going to post that you come across like a 12 year old. But I thought it a bit mean. But seeing as we're being open and honest...

Bloopsie · 04/04/2023 17:23

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 04/04/2023 17:14

Reading some posts here is like median age is 13. OP is obviously still grieving..not in a healthy way.

that's funny actually as after reading your contributions I was going to post that you come across like a 12 year old. But I thought it a bit mean. But seeing as we're being open and honest...

except you dont see me as a grown woman using words like c, b, f* etc and advise OP to stay away from family events sulking,you know the kind of stuff that teenagers do.

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 04/04/2023 17:25

Bloopsie · 04/04/2023 17:23

except you dont see me as a grown woman using words like c, b, f* etc and advise OP to stay away from family events sulking,you know the kind of stuff that teenagers do.

Show quote history

your emotional intelligence seems like it has a way to go before it could be considered developed.

Tandora · 04/04/2023 17:37

I’m going to go against the grain and say I don’t see what the SIL has done that’s wrong at all?

im sorry for your loss OP, but I can’t see how it matters that your niece will have the same name as your late sister? Surely that’s lovely if anything?

I think your reaction is a little bit toxic and obviously driven by your dislike of your SIL.

Also camilla is a perfectly usual and ordinary name, and the name of the current queen consort! So not a surprising choice at all.

Bloopsie · 04/04/2023 17:43

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 04/04/2023 17:25

your emotional intelligence seems like it has a way to go before it could be considered developed.

Show quote history

that comeback really hurt- not.

Antiquiteas · 04/04/2023 17:44

Tandora · 04/04/2023 17:37

I’m going to go against the grain and say I don’t see what the SIL has done that’s wrong at all?

im sorry for your loss OP, but I can’t see how it matters that your niece will have the same name as your late sister? Surely that’s lovely if anything?

I think your reaction is a little bit toxic and obviously driven by your dislike of your SIL.

Also camilla is a perfectly usual and ordinary name, and the name of the current queen consort! So not a surprising choice at all.

You always ‘go against the OP grain’, so that’s no surprise.

If you can’t see why the OP is devastated, and you can’t see that the SIL’s prolonged behaviour, coupled with the using of her sister’s name is what’s causing it, then no one can help you.

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