To be absolutely furious/heartbroken about SILs baby name choice?

[CarinaBee]

I set up a new account for this, lots of identifying points here but here goes. I am fully prepared to be told that I have no right to influence the name someone chooses for their baby. but to preface, I feel sick to my stomach over this.

my DH is a twin. His sister is known to be somewhat difficult in the family. Bit of a diva, tends to get her own way. She’s 38. We get on ok but she’s quite possessive of DH and likes to see him alone every now and then. Fine by me but does get a little tiring to hear how being a twin eclipses everything and you couldn’t possibly understand if you don’t have one. I can let a lot slide - the fairly frequent requests for money from DH for one thing. They have 2 other brothers. I get on very well with MIL but we’ve had previous incidents where SIL has been jealous because I’ve seen MIL without her for example. They’re close and good luck to them, I’m not trying to ‘steal’ your Mum from you.

DH’s family are a very close supportive unit and I admire that. By comparison, I had one sister and our mother was an unpleasant alcoholic. Mercifully I had my sister who was 7 years older than me and filled every gap left where Mum didn’t.

long story short, she died after a short but awful illness in 2006 leaving behind 2 very small children. I lived with her during her illness and was finally able to repay the devotion, love and care she always showed me. until my daughter came along 2 years ago, I don’t think I have ever matched the love I feel for her and I will long for her until the day I die.

my SIL has had a baby girl and she’s chosen the same name as my sister. I won’t share it here because it is identifying but know that it is not a common name by any stretch of the imagination. She has 2 sons and now “finally has her girl” and has apparently always wanted to use this name. first I’ve heard of it.

DH told me after he got off the phone and it made me sick to my stomach. He wasn’t prepared to say anything but I didn’t ask him to. Disappointed he didn’t though. I said to MIL that I am devastated but didn’t make a fuss and said I wouldn’t mention to SIL. She told her and all he’ll broke loose. It was 20 years ago, I need to let go and I don’t own the name.

dH and I have been having problems lately and frankly this feels like the final straw. I am the least demanding person - actually probably lean towards being more of a people pleaser, prefer an easy life. But this is too much. I have never shaken the feeling of how cheated my beautiful sister was in life and it’s just so hurtful. There are endless girls names to choose from.

not intended as a 'comeback'. just my perception based on your posts.

I think those that don’t see a problem with what SIL has done, with naive imaginings of it being some sweet homage to OP and her sister, have never come across someone like SIL in their sheltered lives. Needlessly jealous women that will do anything to cause drama and get a rise out of their perceived adversary. A few of them are on this thread.

I'm not really seeing the issue either. She hasn't chosen the name of someone you hate. I could maybe understand that. I have a relative who named her son the same name as an absolute knob of a cousin of mine. I hate that name because of him. But my dislike of a name is no reason for someone else to not use it.

But in your case, the name is a name shared with someone you love. So it probably didn't even occur to her that you would have an issue with it. She never knew your sister. She hasn't named her child after her. It's not a name anyone in the family hates, but even if it was, she likes it.

I think your obvious dislike of your SIL, and your growing dislike for your husband, means you are critiquing every little thing and blowing things out of proportion to validate your feelings towards them. But you don't need to do that. You don't need to justify your feelings about either of them. You don't need a "good enough" reason to end your relationship.

You always ‘go against the OP grain’, so that’s no surprise

sorry what 😵‍💫? Do I know you?

Please explain what is wrong with OP’s niece having the same name as her late sister? My niece has the same name as one of my cousins and a treasured late aunt. I think it’s lovely

YANBU to feel upset. BUT I doubt she did this out of spite (because people don't generally use their children for that aim), more likely out of thoughfulness. It may just not have occured to her you would find it so difficult (because the fact you don't want to use it or are worried that your DD would have to live up to the name wouldn't apply in the same way to her DD - her DD isnt' living up to anything as she isn't named after your sister, just happens to share the same (relatively common) name) or she may just not really have thought about it.

Re your DH, obviously there's loads more to it and I get you feel disappointed. But objectively giving someone who has JUST had a baby a hard time over the name (which obvs isn't going to change) is unlikely to help anything.

My grandson has the same name as my father who very sadly died when I was 17. My son did not ask me, in fact I don’t think he even made the connection because he never knew his grandfather. He and his wife just liked the name. I was actually thrilled that the name was living on.

The SIL is being vilified mercilessly on this thread. None of you know her or her reasons for choosing the name, you are just making an assumption based on the OP’s posts.

OP I’m sorry for your loss but I think you need help to come to terms with it.

No one thinks its homage, she did not ever meet her sister so probably didnt even cross her mind when they chose the name.

Its OP that assumes the SIL has chosen the name because of her sister, SIL has not said she chose because of her sister, which also makes no sense no mum would choose their childs name for drama and i still dont understand what is there to be offended about? A beautiful baby got a beautiful name,which happens to be the same that her lovely sister has (and tens of thousands of others across the world).

@Bloopsie if you've read the thread and you still don't know then there's no point me trying to explain to you any further.

fair enough. I’m not here to convince people that I’m right and she’s wrong. Just wanted some impartial opinions.

nothing generous about it. This is the same SIL who wasn’t particularly impressed when I asked MIL if I could in it my niece and nephew to Xmas (she was hosting that year). SIL “sigh. I’ll have to redo all the secret Santa now, can you tell me soon if they’re definitely coming?” Barely spoke to them all of Xmas day and that was the source of a big argument on Boxing Day for me and DH when he failed to challenge her. I told her she was rude and she blew a gasket. Same old story.

it’s not been done in tribute. She dislikes me and is as jealous as they come. I’ve spent over 10 years ‘rising above it’ because I never wanted to give her the ammunition. A previous post mentioned that you can’t imagine what these people are like if you haven’t met one - it’s v true. My other SIL’s (husbands brothers’ wives) have had their share of drama but it’s a joke between the 3 of us that I am ‘top of the hate pyramid’.

as for the baby’s dad - frankly his wife’s a pain in the fucking arse. Constantly whinging at him that her house is too small, he doesn’t earn enough, they don’t go out enough, bla bla bla. He’s a nice bloke but he’ll just go along with it to keep the peace.

*typo “invite” not “in it” to Xmas. Long story short, she wasn’t impressed that outsiders would be joining. She only ever celebrates Xmas with DH’s family, they have never once celebrated it with her in laws.

Talking of which, his mum is a very nice lady. I know her name and the names of all his siblings and some cousins he’s friendly with. Because not everyone forgets the names of people related to those in their family.

Except...the OP has already said that when her SIL heard that OP felt 'thrown' by the name choice she got abusive on text to her, even though OP had not said a word to her about it.
And OP has also already said that there was a conversation with SIL and MIL where she was asked would she name her own child after her late sister, and she said definitely not and explained her reasons, reasons which SIL and MIL agreed with at the time.

OP complained to SIL's MOTHER about it. Told her she was devastated. Imagine announcing your much-awaited daughter's name to family then hearing that your brother's wife is devastated and complaining to your mother about it.

And OP has also already said that there was a conversation with SIL and MIL where she was asked would she name her own child after her late sister, and she said definitely not and explained her reasons, reasons which SIL and MIL agreed with at the time.

Well, yes. The name is personal to OP. It is her sister. But to SIL, this is someone she has never met and has no connection to. It's not personal to her.

Think about it. Someone who has been waiting for years to have a daughter, isn't going to lumber that much-awaited daughter with a name she doesn't like just to annoy someone.

BadNomad - the OP didn't complain though. MIL approached her first, and apologetically because she knew the news would hurt. It was only then that OP admitted to MIL that it had 'thrown' her. I don't recall OP saying to MIL that she was devastated.

You can't help how you feel, your reaction is absolutely understandable. You didn't say it directly to her, you told your mother in law how you feel, she told her daughter. Your sister in law can do what she wants with how upset you are by it, she can change the name or not, but she can't dictate how you feel. If how you feel irritates her, she is entitled to that, but in the same vein, it doesn't stop how you feel being perfectly legitimate. And if it means you cry at the christening or struggle to spend as much time with them at first, that's just the consequence she will have to accept for her choice, now she knows how it affects you. It's not your fault that a name she likes is personal and sensitive to you. If she does call her daughter that name, then it is going to bring a lot up for you, which you might need some help with. It could be a good thing if you are allowed to work through that emotion without judgement, you might find that the name may eventually come to make you smile alongside sadness, as you think of both your beautiful niece and your beloved sister. In summary, I don't think you can dictate what she calls her daughter, but you can and should be allowed to have your emotions recognised and supported, including and perhaps especially by your OH. It doesn't sound like it is necessarily going to be helpful to talk to her yourself, but one thought is that you don't know exactly what your mother in law said and whether there are any crossed wires? If your OH and his sister are very close, perhaps he could discuss it with her and explain?

This is the same SIL who wasn’t particularly impressed when I asked MIL if I could in it my niece and nephew to Xmas (she was hosting that year). SIL “sigh. I’ll have to redo all the secret Santa now, can you tell me soon if they’re definitely coming?” Barely spoke to them all of Xmas day and that was the source of a big argument on Boxing Day for me and DH when he failed to challenge her. I told her she was rude and she blew a gasket. Same old story.

See I don't understand this. You're going as a guest to Christmas dinner at your MIL's, and asked if you can bring your niece and nephew? That's cheeky! If you want to invite people, have Christmas in your own house. They aren't MIL or SIL family. It's no wonder your SIL wasn't happy. She and her mother had to redo plans to include people who are neither friends nor family then share Christmas day with them. Then you told her she was the rude one and fought with your DH because he didn't do the same?

It's in her OP. She told MIL she was "devastated".

Are you the SIL @BadNomad? That's the only way your responses make sense if you be actually read the Ops posts.

The Ops niece and nephew are her very close (& effectively only blood family outside of her DD). Plus, the in laws always insist on hosting & being together for all events, so if the Op had wanted to not attend at Christmas, it sounds like that would have not been allowed by her in laws, so inviting her close family was a compromise her SIL should have been happy to make.

@BadNomad the Op also said she wasn't going to say anything to her SIL. Her MIL decided to do that off her own bat.

Yes. That's her daughter. She will have more loyalty towards her daughter than her DIL. We don't know why she told her. Maybe to remind her that it's personal to OP and maybe she could think about changing it. Maybe to prewarn her that OP had an issue with it so there might be trouble ahead. Or maybe she's fed up with OP constantly having a go about her daughter. Either way, it's naive to expect a mother to keep things from her daughter when they concern that daughter.

🤣🤣🤣

we went out for lunch and Mil did the buffet after in the evening. She was more than happy for them to come. This conversation happened in November, not 2 days before. Me, MIL and his brother alternate, I’ve done my fair share over the years.

we celebrate every occasion without fail as a family. They have never once not had to celebrate Xmas without DH present. Pretty good going I think.

Obviously I am the SIL. No one else might have another opinion about the rudeness of asking for personal invites then bitching at the other guests for not being chatty enough.

Your right BadNomad, OP did say 'devastated'.
I still feel though that because MIL approached the OP apologetically about this, and it was only then that OP admitted how she felt, that SIL's reaction was uncalled for. SIL might even have reacted like that because MIL was taking OP's side on this. I can't see any other reason for MIL mentioning it.

Then you have plenty of opportunities to invite your relatives to your own house.

you mean totally rational and reasonable? yes I agree.

What are you talking about? If they spend every occasion with the DH's family, OP can only see her family when they are hosting? If MIL didn't have a problem with it, it's nothing to do with the SIL whether other guests are invited, if she she actually was hosting it might be a bit different. We are talking about two children who lost their mother here, and the SIL's priority is the Secret Santa list?