To be absolutely furious/heartbroken about SILs baby name choice?

[CarinaBee]

I set up a new account for this, lots of identifying points here but here goes. I am fully prepared to be told that I have no right to influence the name someone chooses for their baby. but to preface, I feel sick to my stomach over this.

my DH is a twin. His sister is known to be somewhat difficult in the family. Bit of a diva, tends to get her own way. She’s 38. We get on ok but she’s quite possessive of DH and likes to see him alone every now and then. Fine by me but does get a little tiring to hear how being a twin eclipses everything and you couldn’t possibly understand if you don’t have one. I can let a lot slide - the fairly frequent requests for money from DH for one thing. They have 2 other brothers. I get on very well with MIL but we’ve had previous incidents where SIL has been jealous because I’ve seen MIL without her for example. They’re close and good luck to them, I’m not trying to ‘steal’ your Mum from you.

DH’s family are a very close supportive unit and I admire that. By comparison, I had one sister and our mother was an unpleasant alcoholic. Mercifully I had my sister who was 7 years older than me and filled every gap left where Mum didn’t.

long story short, she died after a short but awful illness in 2006 leaving behind 2 very small children. I lived with her during her illness and was finally able to repay the devotion, love and care she always showed me. until my daughter came along 2 years ago, I don’t think I have ever matched the love I feel for her and I will long for her until the day I die.

my SIL has had a baby girl and she’s chosen the same name as my sister. I won’t share it here because it is identifying but know that it is not a common name by any stretch of the imagination. She has 2 sons and now “finally has her girl” and has apparently always wanted to use this name. first I’ve heard of it.

DH told me after he got off the phone and it made me sick to my stomach. He wasn’t prepared to say anything but I didn’t ask him to. Disappointed he didn’t though. I said to MIL that I am devastated but didn’t make a fuss and said I wouldn’t mention to SIL. She told her and all he’ll broke loose. It was 20 years ago, I need to let go and I don’t own the name.

dH and I have been having problems lately and frankly this feels like the final straw. I am the least demanding person - actually probably lean towards being more of a people pleaser, prefer an easy life. But this is too much. I have never shaken the feeling of how cheated my beautiful sister was in life and it’s just so hurtful. There are endless girls names to choose from.

She's a massive dickhead. That's a horrible horrible move she made

Im sorry for your loss

Your husband has fought for you

I would want to break away from the family altogether then the baby won't be a part of your life

Husband has not fought for you! He should have

I have issues with my dp’s family that make me want to leave, I feel for you. It’s awful. I’m the same super gentle, more of a people pleaser by nature. His horrible sister and mother make my life hell.
in terms of the name, I think it’s appalling they would do this to you. So so unkind. It’s brutal actually.

I’m so sorry what a shitty thing for her to do ! I think I would feel as you do ! Can you try a bit of reverse psychology and tell her actually thinking about it , it’s not a problem , take the power back ! It wouldn’t surprise me if she changed her mind ! It would diffuse the situation and I bet make you feel a tiny bit better . 🥰

I agree with you. Vile behaviour by SIL. I’m so sorry @CarinaBee . I cannot imagine what goes through someone’s mind to be so wilfully spiteful and hurtful. Just awful

Yes

Are you sure you want to split up with him anyway? It does sound to me like SIL did this deliberately, knowing how you would react.

DH could possibly get 50/50 contact given the family support he has, so I don’t think it’s sensible to plan a big move to London.

We’re currently in Surrey and I would aim for SW London so it wouldn’t be an enormous distance

Where I’m from camilla is quite common a. Name, maybe your SIL travels in different t circles to you …?
anyway, upsetting as it may be I think you are BU, it is a name and it’s for anyone to use

What a tricky situation. Whilst I totally understand how this is sickening for you - I'm not sure if it's reasonable to expect her to not use the name.

Perhaps suggest to her that she could NEVER understand how you feel about the loss of your sister, because she's never had a sister herself - and never had the devastating loss of a sibling (In the same way that she throws at you that you wouldn't understand the closeness between her and your DH because you're not a twin yourself).

I am truly sorry for your loss, it sounds awful x

I do think you can't dictate that someone can't use a name. She knows how you feel and that all that you can do. I do think she is wrong though.

I had crappy parents and the bond I have with my sister is my strength. I teared up reading your post imagining loosing my sister too young. I am so sorry you lost her. doesn't matter if it was 20 years ago loosing someone like that must be horrible. I don't think i would ever get over loosing my sister I'm so sorry xx

Perhaps she doesn't see you as a permanent fixture in her life? If you divorce her brother she won't see you anymore, so in her mind it's neither here nor there whether she uses the name Camilla.

I don't really understand why her partner isn't being mentioned. He must presumably have had a say in the name.

Also, I'm surprised Mumsnet hasn't taken this thread down. It's not really in the spirit of the site calling a mother a cunt over a name. I'm sure she can identify herself from this thread.

I don't mean you've called her a cunt but others have.

Haven't read all posts but have read all OPs.

OP I totally get why you're upset. My husbands cousin lost a child age 4 and I would never have considered using a name even similar, we aren't even particularly close.

Unfortunately if your husband was to say anything now to go against his sister and support you, I fear it would be turned around to suit a narrative that you're crazy and have forced him into it.

For what its worth, you sound like you're being incredibly composed over all of this. Make sure you look after yourself x

Certainly not to defend OP’s DH, but I truly think that some enmeshed individuals genuinely cannot see or are completely unaware how enmeshed they actually are. They truly believe it categorically unthinkable to go against a parent or sibling & to do so would be a sacrilege of some sort. Making you always the bad guy for even suggesting it. I do think there’s little hope of getting them to ever see the light. It’s not just about loyalty to you but having ever separated in the first place to be available for you & your family. I have walked away over that (amongst other things) too. Good luck OP 🍀

Ignore the unkind on here. Mumsnet seems to attract such . Take care of yourself and your daughter. Be sure about your split from your DH. I wish he could support you emotionally and in other ways re his twin.

Make sure your dd isn't led to believe her df sits on any sort of pedastal during her childhood op. She will be in for a shocker when she learns the sort of spineless twat he really is.. Because this is one family secret that won't stay hidden away.

In my opinion you need to let this go.
I understand your hurt and I understand that she may well have done it deliberately, but to me it seems obvious that nothing will change her mind. I also think that even if your husband did say something to her, this would make her even less inclined to change her mind. In fact it sounds like she would use it as a "platform" for her anger - i.e. an excuse for her to be "outraged".
If she is as you describe her, then by letting this come between you and your husband, I feel you are playing into her hands. This child is a new life, a new person, an innocent baby. She may be worthy of your wonderful sister's name. I really hope you can find the strength to move past this. Don't let her get to you!

I get where you are coming from completely.

It sounds like it was a moment where you really needed your husband's support & understanding. A time where it was long overdue for him to stand up for you and call his sister out over her treatment of you.

She knew your position and she genuinely had an absolute affinity with the name & wasn't an inconsiderate bitch, she could have approached in any number of better and sincere ways.

Not only did he not support you or comfort you at a time of distress, he then went to meet her knowing it would cut even deeper.

I'm all for family ties but you and his daughter are his family now. You are supposed to be his priority and his actions show you that you aren't.

I can't offer you and advice but just wanted to say, I completely get where you are coming from. I would be massively hurt to and can understand why this is the final straw.

Well yes, 50/50 custody is the norm, that is what would be the case here, of course.

Family is important to some people 🤷‍♀️

This is a horrible post.

@CarinaBee i rarely comment but this thread has got under my skin. My take:

• SIL has some serious issues, has always envied you and viewed you as a threat and will be delighted to see the back of you - although it won't stop her games. Her tantrums, money draining and manipulation will continue. Her behaviour is not caring, polite or respectful - it is not OK.

• DH is failing you, and himself, by not standing up to her. He has the opportunity to say 'I choose to fight for my wife and my marriage', and stop enabling her behaviour. I don't think he will - and certainly not without external support (counselling?).

• Separating will be hard. Try and anticipate what the issues could be, and put plans in place. (eg SIL will badmouth you, DH will continue to be manipulated), MIL could turn on you.

I really admire your posts. You can look back with your head held high and know you behaved well.

My relationship over many years with my adopted sister included her relentless gaslighting and manipulation, driven by envy. It drove me to tears frequently - and it was a joy to go NC 8 years ago. No regrets at all.

I wish you every success and lots of simple joy.

Of course it is - enmeshed to the point of it ruining your marriage isn’t a good thing though.

I would never speak to her again