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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Weekend break with friend. Thought we would be splitting costs...?!

256 replies

sjzeke · 01/04/2023 16:20

I suggested a countryside weekend break with a friend of mine. We have been friends for 12 years, but never gone away together. She jumped at the idea and has been looking forward to it, as have I. (I have a partner of 10 years and mainly have had my weekend breaks away with him).

I looked online at places I had been to before and sent her the links to the hotel websites. She loved all of them. So far, so good as she'd said yes to everything. I noticed she hadn't offered any ideas/preferences... so when I asked her to choose/give me an idea of what she preferred, she texted me back with: 'You choose as you know the hotels in the area and I've never been to any of them.'

I checked on availability and sent her the breakdown of price of rooms for each hotel/room costs. She wrote back with: 'God no. I can't afford that! That's way too expensive!' This was a little strange as I'd already sent her the links in the days prior to the very same hotels! It was just when I sent her the breakdown of prices, she baulked. No big deal though. I looked at other cheaper places. Sent her those too. (Meanwhile, she had done none of the legwork). She said no to everything I had suggested - and because I had sent her the best hotels first, of course, everything that followed (that was cheaper) wasn't as nice.

I'm not sure what she actually did budget for the weekend, but she kept reminding me that she's on a freelance salary. (She's an artist/designer).

She then texted me this morning: 'To be honest, since it was your idea/suggestion and 'your trip', I thought you were paying. You were quite set on going away for a relaxing weekend. I cannot afford these prices at all'.

AIBU to think between friends you split the costs...?? We aren't dating/married or anything, we are simply female friends. I am the higher earner, but didn't suggest a weekend in the 000's! (Also, she travels/goes on holidays more than most people!)

I would obviously not suggest a trip away to someone who couldn't afford it.

I also at no point said (or even suggested) that I would be fitting the bill for the entire thing....??

OP posts:
Chevybaby · 02/04/2023 21:39

Obviously you know your friend better than anyone here, and if you think she was being a CF then she probably was. But I do wonder if you’re real friends then it might just be an embarrassing crossed wires situation. (My BF is not British and where he’s from if someone says they are “inviting you out for dinner” then they will definitely be paying. Needless to say he has run into all sorts of problems in the UK with this as his default interpretation.)

i wonder if the way you worded it might have indicated you were going anyway and she could tag along? Like “I am planning a nice spa weekend away because the last few months have been super stressful, would you like to come along?” I can see how that might easily be interpreted as a treat by you. It sounds like she has had a dry spell with freelance work recently and maybe she just assumed you knew that, and therefore wouldn’t suggest a Lovely expensive treat like that unless you were also covering it.

This is a shame such a nice idea has turned into something awkward! I hope you manage to resolve it. Good friends are hard to come by.

Original poster
sjzeke · 02/04/2023 21:41

TomatoSandwiches · 02/04/2023 21:19

She is acting offended to guilt you into saying, " never mind, it can be my treat this time. "

Don't fall for it, a genuine friend would be mortified they had presumed incorrectly and would want to make sure they didn't come across as grabby or stupid.
She doesn't care about either so long as she gets her free spa trip.

She isn't a friend, sorry.

Agree. To be clear, I also wouldn't have suggested the trip as well as the hotels if I didn't think someone could afford their share. That would be awful on my part if I did that.

I can assure you she's not mortified. If anything, she is annoyed costs were mentioned.

OP posts:
machogrande · 02/04/2023 21:47

As an impoverished freelancer compared with most of my friends, the first thing I would have mentioned is that it would have to be on a pretty cheap budget for me to go.
I would never assume that the person suggesting the break was offering to pay my way, however much I thought they earned.

venusandmars · 02/04/2023 21:51

Were you planning to share a room?

I think that's the only way that I might be confused by the discussion. I could hear it as "I'm thinking of going to wonderful country hotel, do you want to come?" and then assume that as the room price is the same for one person or 2 people, that you would pay the room price.

However, if that's what I thought I would pay for all the food etc to balance it out.

SnackSizeRaisin · 02/04/2023 21:57

I think it's a strange thing to assume, that a friend would pay. The amount each of you earns isn't really relevant.

The only time it might be different is if one of you was going somewhere for a work trip and wanted company to make it more fun. In that scenario I have subsidised a friend to join me when it was my work trip to Cuba , and have been subsidised by others to join them on trips to Europe. In that case the location and dates of the trip are set and the non working person possibly wouldn't have chosen them, so only fair that they get to go on the cheap! But even then I wouldn't assume anything.

Original poster
sjzeke · 02/04/2023 22:02

venusandmars · 02/04/2023 21:51

Were you planning to share a room?

I think that's the only way that I might be confused by the discussion. I could hear it as "I'm thinking of going to wonderful country hotel, do you want to come?" and then assume that as the room price is the same for one person or 2 people, that you would pay the room price.

However, if that's what I thought I would pay for all the food etc to balance it out.

I did have this thought too as I had mentioned wanting to return to places I had been to before for breaks/weddings. But it wasn't in the context of 'I'm going to go on x date. Fancy joining? My treat as I have a room anyway!'

We planned the dates together that would work for us both. She then became really uninterested in choosing a place and kept saying that it was my 'area' and 'remit'.

When I was wondering why she wasn't interested in helping to choose, I think she thought I'd cover it since the trip was my idea/suggestion. Almost like it was my 'department' and her job was to just come along.

I know for a fact she wouldn't cover the food/extras to make up for it. She literally thought she was coming for a free trip.

OP posts:
Furore · 02/04/2023 22:06

I wouldn't fall out with her about it. Just say, actually it is more expensive than you thought it would be. Let's just leave it, and maybe do a day trip instead.

MrsMikeDrop · 02/04/2023 22:06

Maybe if she thought you were hiring a place anyway, but other than that no I would expect to be paying my share. My aunty recently hired a house and invited us to stay with her (for no charge), so maybe she assumed it was that sortof situation. Even with my aunt I expected to pay as I'm not a CF, but she said it was her shout

Original poster
sjzeke · 02/04/2023 22:07

She texted me just now saying she's likely only able to afford the food and most likely one 45 min spa treatment upon finally researching/looking. But not the accommodation itself or transport costs.

OP posts:
Original poster
sjzeke · 02/04/2023 22:08

Furore · 02/04/2023 22:06

I wouldn't fall out with her about it. Just say, actually it is more expensive than you thought it would be. Let's just leave it, and maybe do a day trip instead.

100% right.

OP posts:
Dita73 · 02/04/2023 22:08

To be honest you don’t sound much of a friend. Instead of just putting it down to a simple misunderstanding and moving on,you’ve got on mumsnet to bitch about her for two days. Maybe she has financial problems you know nothing about. It just seems that she got the wrong idea yet you’re taking it as though she thought she’d bag herself a few days away at your expense and clearly thinks she can take the piss out of you. I would imagine she’s a bit embarrassed. Just leave it

Original poster
sjzeke · 02/04/2023 22:16

Dita73 · 02/04/2023 22:08

To be honest you don’t sound much of a friend. Instead of just putting it down to a simple misunderstanding and moving on,you’ve got on mumsnet to bitch about her for two days. Maybe she has financial problems you know nothing about. It just seems that she got the wrong idea yet you’re taking it as though she thought she’d bag herself a few days away at your expense and clearly thinks she can take the piss out of you. I would imagine she’s a bit embarrassed. Just leave it

I take it you didn't see my post above agreeing that now that she's finally been transparent, I have parked the idea. It wasn't a misunderstanding, but you can think what you like of course...!

OP posts:
Twilight7777 · 02/04/2023 22:17

I reckon that’s what she’s done to others she’s gone away with so they feel like they can’t say no and foot the bill for the entire weekend. She’s a CF and probably a narc to boot.

Original poster
sjzeke · 02/04/2023 22:24

Thanks to everyone here! I'm not too clued up on MN (new here) but appreciate your insight. I'm glad she was honest in the end... and even if she wasn't honest about not being able to afford it all along, it doesn't really matter. After a lot of mixed messages and emotions from her, it was at least somewhat resolved... 😏

Gave up on the trip after a lot of bizarre dialogue!

I did learn what CF means on here though! 😂 Never heard that term before!

OP posts:
JenniferBarkley · 02/04/2023 22:26

I've only read your posts OP so I'm probably repeating what a lot of people have said. I wonder with the big discrepancies in your incomes if she was thinking along the lines that you must know she couldn't possibly afford it and thinking it would be easily affordable for you and hence, treat.

Not necessarily a CF.

machogrande · 02/04/2023 22:27

sjzeke · 02/04/2023 22:07

She texted me just now saying she's likely only able to afford the food and most likely one 45 min spa treatment upon finally researching/looking. But not the accommodation itself or transport costs.

So she's being honest with you. That's the embarrassing situation I would have to explain if someone invited me away on a break. I think she must have misunderstood your original suggestion and is now explaining what she could afford. Nothing grabby or assuming about her behaviour at all IMO. Just misunderstanding and lack of understanding of two very different financial scenarios.

machogrande · 02/04/2023 22:29

I feel a bit sorry for her that she's been analysed on MN for probably doing nothing more than misunderstanding.

machogrande · 02/04/2023 22:30

Twilight7777 · 02/04/2023 22:17

I reckon that’s what she’s done to others she’s gone away with so they feel like they can’t say no and foot the bill for the entire weekend. She’s a CF and probably a narc to boot.

Totally disagree with you here.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 02/04/2023 22:31

I’m sure not all artists/freelancers are like this but I too have an artist/freelancer friend who can be a freeloader given half a chance. He genuinely seems to think that if you’re doing something, it’s OK for him to tag along free of charge because you were paying anyway. He expects to be able to do the same things as everyone else, but not pay for them.

I get it, it’s awkward as fuck when you earn a lot less than your friends and it’s also not a great place to be (I’ve been there) but it doesn’t mean you expect others to pay for you. I’ve had times when people have offered to pay because I couldn’t afford it and I’ve been very grateful, but while I’m fortunate to be on the other side of that equation now, I’d still be pissed off at someone who expected me to pay.

Original poster
sjzeke · 02/04/2023 22:36

I won't disclose what was said (verbatim I mean) that made me park the idea, but no, I would not call it a misunderstanding... I'm not above admitting when I'm wrong, but to park the idea was the right move for both and saved a lot of hassle for both too down the line. 100% right move not to go away.

I also think parking the idea was best right now in terms of the friendship itself. (Just trying to think long term). 🙂

OP posts:
machogrande · 02/04/2023 22:39

@BrightYellowDaffodil
I know the people you describe. My stepbrother is one of them 😄He is the classic freeloader with oodles of charm and no cash at all, ever!
But I don't think this sounds like her friend here?
I think the invite was sent and the misunderstanding was set from there. As soon as she realised the bill was to be split, she explained exactly what she could afford.
I think it would be awful for her friend to be judged on the fact she may have been cashing in on a potential freebie. I just don't see it here.
Believe me I can sniff a freeloader at 50 miles and she doesn't sound like it to me. Pure misunderstanding only.

machogrande · 02/04/2023 22:40

@sjzeke
sorry what's 'parking' the idea?
My job has parking stuff but I don't understand it in this context.

Original poster
sjzeke · 02/04/2023 22:44

machogrande · 02/04/2023 22:40

@sjzeke
sorry what's 'parking' the idea?
My job has parking stuff but I don't understand it in this context.

Sorry! As in 'let's leave that idea there'. Or we'll 'park that there for next time'. Almost to place something aside/deal with it later. In this situation, I suggested doing something else - and that we could do the trip another time (and not at the height of Easter weekend!)

OP posts:
machogrande · 02/04/2023 22:47

@sjzeke
Got it! Hope you and your friend can sort it all out.
I can't help seeing it from her side as despite been qualified and earning as a freelancer, I will always earn way less than my friends and I can empathise with situations like this. I've been in them myself.
All the best x

LookItsMeAgain · 02/04/2023 22:52

sjzeke · 02/04/2023 22:07

She texted me just now saying she's likely only able to afford the food and most likely one 45 min spa treatment upon finally researching/looking. But not the accommodation itself or transport costs.

Based on this information, I think you've had a lucky escape.

If you feel like replying something along the lines of "That's nice, but I'm not able to cover travel and accommodation costs for both of us. It was to be a 50/50 split, right down the middle for that and you've already said that it's off the table. Maybe another time, when we agree to split the costs, some time in the future. All the best, @sjzeke"