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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Weekend break with friend. Thought we would be splitting costs...?!

256 replies

sjzeke · 01/04/2023 16:20

I suggested a countryside weekend break with a friend of mine. We have been friends for 12 years, but never gone away together. She jumped at the idea and has been looking forward to it, as have I. (I have a partner of 10 years and mainly have had my weekend breaks away with him).

I looked online at places I had been to before and sent her the links to the hotel websites. She loved all of them. So far, so good as she'd said yes to everything. I noticed she hadn't offered any ideas/preferences... so when I asked her to choose/give me an idea of what she preferred, she texted me back with: 'You choose as you know the hotels in the area and I've never been to any of them.'

I checked on availability and sent her the breakdown of price of rooms for each hotel/room costs. She wrote back with: 'God no. I can't afford that! That's way too expensive!' This was a little strange as I'd already sent her the links in the days prior to the very same hotels! It was just when I sent her the breakdown of prices, she baulked. No big deal though. I looked at other cheaper places. Sent her those too. (Meanwhile, she had done none of the legwork). She said no to everything I had suggested - and because I had sent her the best hotels first, of course, everything that followed (that was cheaper) wasn't as nice.

I'm not sure what she actually did budget for the weekend, but she kept reminding me that she's on a freelance salary. (She's an artist/designer).

She then texted me this morning: 'To be honest, since it was your idea/suggestion and 'your trip', I thought you were paying. You were quite set on going away for a relaxing weekend. I cannot afford these prices at all'.

AIBU to think between friends you split the costs...?? We aren't dating/married or anything, we are simply female friends. I am the higher earner, but didn't suggest a weekend in the 000's! (Also, she travels/goes on holidays more than most people!)

I would obviously not suggest a trip away to someone who couldn't afford it.

I also at no point said (or even suggested) that I would be fitting the bill for the entire thing....??

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 02/04/2023 17:54

PrimoPiatti · 02/04/2023 17:53

Depends....is she Italian? In Italy you offer you pay. Offerto io, pago io.

Nobody offered. She assumed.

mozzierella · 02/04/2023 17:54

Never in a gazillion
Light years do i assume someone is paying for me. Whether its coffee or a holiday

Scarriff · 02/04/2023 18:02

Her name doesn't be begin with J by any chance. A group of went for dinner for my birthday and when it came to the bill she said she had assumed I was paying as 'I had invited her' I ended up paying her share to get us out of the restaurant but she is off everyone's list. People are wierd.

Thighlengthboots · 02/04/2023 18:36

To the people saying its a misunderstanding- clearly it ISNT if they were discussing costs first of all and she said she couldnt afford the more expensive hotels- why would she have said that if she genuinely believed OP was paying for everything from the very beginning?!

This person isnt a friend. She has sneered at every single one of your suggestions, moaned about costs, then, when you provided cheaper alternatives she has moaned that they arent as nice as the more expensive ones (well- DUH!).

Then, after all that she has the nerve to suggest you pay for everything.

She's a CF and if it were me, I'd cancel the whole thing and go with my partner instead.

EpicChaos · 02/04/2023 18:42

One of my friends and I had planned on going away for a weekend with National Holidays until covid scuppered the idea.
My friend suggested the idea, though i chose the destination. At no time did either of us expect the other to pay our way.

XanaduKira · 02/04/2023 18:45

She sounds very cheeky to assume (& then try to guilt you into paying!) but at least you found out before any commitments were made!

emmathedilemma · 02/04/2023 18:47

Wow extreme CFery!! I go away with friends a few times a year and I’d never assume that whoever suggests it is paying! The only time I did wonder if someone was paying was when they booked a property for a hen weekend and never mentioned the price to us……that was quite eye watering when they asked us to settle up!!

Original poster
sjzeke · 02/04/2023 18:50

I suppose in some way bravely admitting she only was so all over it and happy about it and agreeable because she thought it was all free was a blessing of sorts. It also explains why all the planning was left to me. She literally thought she was coming along for the ride.

She did admit to only looking thinking it over today and even complained about the price of the spa treatments... and the entire thing was based around it being a spa weekend...!!!

So yes, she was only coming because she thought it was free. She said because I had nominated options/places to stay and because I was 'in charge', she thought I would be paying for it.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 02/04/2023 18:52

sjzeke · 02/04/2023 18:50

I suppose in some way bravely admitting she only was so all over it and happy about it and agreeable because she thought it was all free was a blessing of sorts. It also explains why all the planning was left to me. She literally thought she was coming along for the ride.

She did admit to only looking thinking it over today and even complained about the price of the spa treatments... and the entire thing was based around it being a spa weekend...!!!

So yes, she was only coming because she thought it was free. She said because I had nominated options/places to stay and because I was 'in charge', she thought I would be paying for it.

No grown reasonable adult would think that op, maybe if it were a parent brining it up but you are not her mother, she is being cheeky and the doubling down would have me dropping her like a bag of hot crap.

Schnooze · 02/04/2023 18:53

So is the trip parked?

YoBeaches · 02/04/2023 18:59

How odd.

Shame you don't get the weekend away. Affordability is one thing but she's taking the piss.

Myneighbourskia · 02/04/2023 19:04

She's a cf. Very presumptuous.

ChickenDhansak82 · 02/04/2023 19:05

sjzeke · 02/04/2023 18:50

I suppose in some way bravely admitting she only was so all over it and happy about it and agreeable because she thought it was all free was a blessing of sorts. It also explains why all the planning was left to me. She literally thought she was coming along for the ride.

She did admit to only looking thinking it over today and even complained about the price of the spa treatments... and the entire thing was based around it being a spa weekend...!!!

So yes, she was only coming because she thought it was free. She said because I had nominated options/places to stay and because I was 'in charge', she thought I would be paying for it.

That's a really odd way for someone to think!

I took a friend out for a day, paid for lunch and an activity, and she drove. I insisted on paying as I earn twice what she does, we both needed a day out, and I didn't mind.

But just assuming you'd get a free holiday is really strange!!

Rayn22 · 02/04/2023 19:12

I would just say.
Sorry I would if I could but can only afford to split costs! No worries.

Blueink · 02/04/2023 19:15

Nothing unusual or wrong with paying for a friend, just because they are not your partner, I don’t get that attitude.

As you didn’t offer, however, I don’t know why she assumed, perhaps the way you asked. She has made it clear she can’t afford it, you don’t want to pay for her but you haven’t even got to the booking stage, so it’s a non event.

oosha · 02/04/2023 19:16

She is a CF. I have gone away with friends a lot and never has anyone expected me to foot the entire cost regardless of whether it was my idea or not.

loononastick · 02/04/2023 19:23

Unless someone says they are going to treat you/pay then it's pretty normal to assume you pay your way.

Is she normally a CF? I'd be giving her a very wide berth.

BellePeppa · 02/04/2023 19:24

WimpoleHat · 01/04/2023 17:57

Very odd assumption, especially in this day and age. I have an older friend (70s - and from a monied background originally, if that’s relevant) who was rather put out when some friends asked them to go to the opera and then asked for the price of the tickets. In her mind, they had been “invited” and it was crass to ask for money. I said to her that most people these days would assume that “would you like to go to x?” would mean paying for your own ticket, unless it was explicitly stated that it was their treat. I certainly think most younger people work on a “pay for ourselves” basis, so I find what she’s said to be very odd. It almost smacks of her trying to bounce you into it, to my mind.

That is rather strange, even if she is well off. Unless you’re asking them out (can I take you to dinner, can I take you to ….) I don’t see how anyone would think it meant she was paying.

TiedUpWithABlackVelvetBand · 02/04/2023 19:26

Total CF.

Nobody assumes the other person is going to pay for literally everything just because they suggested the idea.

I am guessing this has really changed how you think about her.

It would for me.

BellePeppa · 02/04/2023 19:26

BellePeppa · 02/04/2023 19:24

That is rather strange, even if she is well off. Unless you’re asking them out (can I take you to dinner, can I take you to ….) I don’t see how anyone would think it meant she was paying.

Show quote history

Sorry, I thought you meant she wanted to pay for everyone.

Either way I don’t see why people make such odd assumptions about who is paying - everyone pay for themselves!

BellePeppa · 02/04/2023 19:28

TiedUpWithABlackVelvetBand · 02/04/2023 19:26

Total CF.

Nobody assumes the other person is going to pay for literally everything just because they suggested the idea.

I am guessing this has really changed how you think about her.

It would for me.

Could you imagine if you were out on a shopping trip with a friend and you said shall we stop for lunch and they sat there waiting for you to pay because you suggested it?

Original poster
sjzeke · 02/04/2023 19:31

ChickenDhansak82 · 02/04/2023 19:05

That's a really odd way for someone to think!

I took a friend out for a day, paid for lunch and an activity, and she drove. I insisted on paying as I earn twice what she does, we both needed a day out, and I didn't mind.

But just assuming you'd get a free holiday is really strange!!

Show quote history

Agreed. I think by her 'letting' me do all the legwork, she felt like she had none of the responsibility. I think she was being deliberately hands-off for that reason.

It gave her licence to say/think: 'Well you chose the place, you pay...'

She thought she was doing me a favour. I despair.

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/04/2023 19:34

This is why whenever you go away with someone discussion about cost should come in the first couple of sentences. "Fancy going away for a couple of nights?" "oooh yeah!" " Cool, what's your budget, I've found this hotel here, looks good, it would be £X each, is that ok?"

CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/04/2023 19:36

emmathedilemma · 02/04/2023 18:47

Wow extreme CFery!! I go away with friends a few times a year and I’d never assume that whoever suggests it is paying! The only time I did wonder if someone was paying was when they booked a property for a hen weekend and never mentioned the price to us……that was quite eye watering when they asked us to settle up!!

How come you didn't asked what you owed when it was first booked? I just don't understand how these situations arise.

Rogue1001MNer · 02/04/2023 19:37

Do you think this will affect your friendship (on either side) @sjzeke?

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