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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Weekend break with friend. Thought we would be splitting costs...?!

256 replies

sjzeke · 01/04/2023 16:20

I suggested a countryside weekend break with a friend of mine. We have been friends for 12 years, but never gone away together. She jumped at the idea and has been looking forward to it, as have I. (I have a partner of 10 years and mainly have had my weekend breaks away with him).

I looked online at places I had been to before and sent her the links to the hotel websites. She loved all of them. So far, so good as she'd said yes to everything. I noticed she hadn't offered any ideas/preferences... so when I asked her to choose/give me an idea of what she preferred, she texted me back with: 'You choose as you know the hotels in the area and I've never been to any of them.'

I checked on availability and sent her the breakdown of price of rooms for each hotel/room costs. She wrote back with: 'God no. I can't afford that! That's way too expensive!' This was a little strange as I'd already sent her the links in the days prior to the very same hotels! It was just when I sent her the breakdown of prices, she baulked. No big deal though. I looked at other cheaper places. Sent her those too. (Meanwhile, she had done none of the legwork). She said no to everything I had suggested - and because I had sent her the best hotels first, of course, everything that followed (that was cheaper) wasn't as nice.

I'm not sure what she actually did budget for the weekend, but she kept reminding me that she's on a freelance salary. (She's an artist/designer).

She then texted me this morning: 'To be honest, since it was your idea/suggestion and 'your trip', I thought you were paying. You were quite set on going away for a relaxing weekend. I cannot afford these prices at all'.

AIBU to think between friends you split the costs...?? We aren't dating/married or anything, we are simply female friends. I am the higher earner, but didn't suggest a weekend in the 000's! (Also, she travels/goes on holidays more than most people!)

I would obviously not suggest a trip away to someone who couldn't afford it.

I also at no point said (or even suggested) that I would be fitting the bill for the entire thing....??

OP posts:
ReneBumsWombats · 02/04/2023 19:38

She thought she was doing me a favour.

No she didn't.

Original poster
sjzeke · 02/04/2023 19:41

CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/04/2023 19:34

This is why whenever you go away with someone discussion about cost should come in the first couple of sentences. "Fancy going away for a couple of nights?" "oooh yeah!" " Cool, what's your budget, I've found this hotel here, looks good, it would be £X each, is that ok?"

You're right. I wish I had been more headstrong on that front. I had told her how much it was when I had previously visited, but that seemed to go over her head... by her own admission today. I had initially sent 7-8 links to options of hotels. All seemed fine... until I had mentioned the costs again. To be honest, I don't think she clicked on the links in the first place. I think she just jumped on the idea first and foremost... and then it hit her later that it might come at a literal cost to her.

OP posts:
emmathedilemma · 02/04/2023 19:47

CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/04/2023 19:36

How come you didn't asked what you owed when it was first booked? I just don't understand how these situations arise.

Show quote history

Because it was all a bit of rushed job, one minute we got asked if the date was convenient and the next she’d booked the property! Also worth noting that the person who booked is loaded so it wouldn’t have been unreasonable to assume that they might have been picking up the bill. I’d never book something without checking everyone was ok with the price if I was expecting them to cough up! Jeez, me and another friend even consult before booking a £50 premier inn room between us!

Starlightstarbright1 · 02/04/2023 19:50

How are costs usually shared ?

Either way i wouldn't expect a friend to pay

mewkins · 02/04/2023 20:19

NoSquirrels · 01/04/2023 16:24

Well, of course YANBU.

Just reply ‘Oh! Guess we’ve had crossed wires - I assumed you were happy to go away and split the costs. If you can’t afford to it’s not a problem, I do understand. We can just plan a meet-up instead.’

I wouldn’t get into anything that remotely suggests you’d pay.

I'd do this as well. It will all be ok.
It's odd of her to think this though.

Dogsitterwoes · 02/04/2023 20:27

Yeah, she was weird. About once or twice a year I go away with a friend or friends, and no one have ever thought the person suggesting it was going to pay for them.

Verbena17 · 02/04/2023 20:29

@sjzeke You could always just suggest a weekend round your’s or her’s - watching movies, getting take out, go for a countryside walk, have a home facial etc.

Means you get to spend some quality time over a weekend together but without the expense for your friend.

Evan456 · 02/04/2023 20:29

I’m just amazed at how entitled people feel these days, never would I or any of my friends assume like that

jetSTAR · 02/04/2023 20:34

Don’t think she’s really a friend. Sorry.

borderline53 · 02/04/2023 20:42

What if there were 4 or 5 of you, does she really think the person who suggested it would pay. 😳

Original poster
sjzeke · 02/04/2023 20:42

EpicChaos · 02/04/2023 18:42

One of my friends and I had planned on going away for a weekend with National Holidays until covid scuppered the idea.
My friend suggested the idea, though i chose the destination. At no time did either of us expect the other to pay our way.

I think her thinking was the opposite! I suggested it based on places I had been to prior as well as places as I'd gone to as a wedding guest... and then ended doing the planning/choosing as a result since it wasn't her 'remit'. Her thinking was since I had suggested the idea and the accommodation, I should pay.

OP posts:
Ladybug14 · 02/04/2023 20:43

MakeItRain · 01/04/2023 18:15

I would just reply "Oh, looks like we got our wires crossed. I can't afford to pay for both of us, but let's meet up for a meal soon if a weekend away isn't possible."
I think it's a pretty cheeky assumption on her part though.

I agree

Make sure to explain clearly that the cost of the meal drinks etc will be divided by 2 🙄

browneyes77 · 02/04/2023 20:43

CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/04/2023 19:34

This is why whenever you go away with someone discussion about cost should come in the first couple of sentences. "Fancy going away for a couple of nights?" "oooh yeah!" " Cool, what's your budget, I've found this hotel here, looks good, it would be £X each, is that ok?"

This is exactly what I came here to say.

Anytime I’ve arranged to go away with a friend, the first question I’ve asked is “What’s your budget?”.

Because that way I can limit my search to things within that price range (and not because my friends would be expecting a free trip).

Why on earth she would presume you’re paying for a trip for her, when it’s not a treat for her birthday etc, is beyond me. As others have said, unless someone specifically says “I’ll pay, my treat”, nobody in their right mind would assume they’re being paid for. Unless they’re a CF.

TomatoSandwiches · 02/04/2023 20:49

sjzeke · 02/04/2023 20:42

I think her thinking was the opposite! I suggested it based on places I had been to prior as well as places as I'd gone to as a wedding guest... and then ended doing the planning/choosing as a result since it wasn't her 'remit'. Her thinking was since I had suggested the idea and the accommodation, I should pay.

Show quote history

See, whenever I've been away with friends, if one person has booked it and covered the details I always buy them a gift or bubbly/ cover a meal and drinks out to thank them for taking that task on not to take their booking skills as a way to twist it to not pay my share!

Your " friend " has a warped way of thinking.

Smineusername · 02/04/2023 20:59

She honestly just thinks that you have money to burn, were going to go away anyway and that you were paying her to escort you.

Tells you a lot about the friendship really

Merangutan · 02/04/2023 21:09

Major cheeky-fuckery from her. If the hotels are supposedly too pricey, why did she assume for even a second that you’d be footing the bill for both of you?! And that you paying was a given, simply because you came up with the idea?! Very grabby of her to expect such an expensive freebie and eagerly agree to pricier places only to decline to contribute to even the cheaper places when it’s clear that she has to pay for her own share.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 02/04/2023 21:11

If a friend invited me out for coffee I wouldn't assume they'd pay! This is very odd of her, and very remiss to just assume you were paying.

Original poster
sjzeke · 02/04/2023 21:12

Rogue1001MNer · 02/04/2023 19:37

Do you think this will affect your friendship (on either side) @sjzeke?

I really don't know. I would feel a bit better about everything if she wasn't so offended when I mentioned costs because it further confirmed that she wasn't expecting to pay for a thing. We left it at her saying she would struggle to afford the spa and food, let alone the transportation and accommodation. My partner said to give up on the idea and/or just pay for her. I would be doing the driving too as she doesn't have a licence or a car. I'm just shocked at the contrast between being all excitable about it to this doom and gloom about it as soon as she realised she would have to pay her way. She hasn't acknowledged that I had never said I'd pick up the bill in any shape or form, so I think she either knows she was trying to pull a fast one or just doesn't care. This is someone who goes on skiing breaks with her friends, beach holidays and has a job obviously! Odd all around.

OP posts:
suzysnowball · 02/04/2023 21:12

Sounds she's either a cf wanting a freebie or doesn't really want to go

TomatoSandwiches · 02/04/2023 21:19

She is acting offended to guilt you into saying, " never mind, it can be my treat this time. "

Don't fall for it, a genuine friend would be mortified they had presumed incorrectly and would want to make sure they didn't come across as grabby or stupid.
She doesn't care about either so long as she gets her free spa trip.

She isn't a friend, sorry.

Mandyjack · 02/04/2023 21:25

Have you asked if the people she normally goes away with normally pay for her?
She could've said at the start she can't afford a break then that's your opportunity to either offer to pay or say OK that's fine we can maybe just do a day spa or something if you can afford that and find something on Wowcher. I'd never assume someone is paying for me.

changeme4this · 02/04/2023 21:27

I suspect you had a lucky escape in finding all of this up front. I can think of someone my DD knows and she would have jumped at the chance to go away without contemplating she should financially contribute, but then she is an entitled madam too…

Original poster
sjzeke · 02/04/2023 21:32

Mandyjack · 02/04/2023 21:25

Have you asked if the people she normally goes away with normally pay for her?
She could've said at the start she can't afford a break then that's your opportunity to either offer to pay or say OK that's fine we can maybe just do a day spa or something if you can afford that and find something on Wowcher. I'd never assume someone is paying for me.

There's no way they would pay for her. They all split things as they often go to art exhibits abroad together. She's an artist and designer. I think because I don't work in that industry and am a boring consultant as is my partner (who she knows) with a steady income, she took it as she'll jump along.

No. At no point did she say she couldn't afford it. She was all over the idea which is why I was surprised she was not interested in any of the planning. She says that was because it was my remit and I was 'in the know' about the Lakes. I think she told herself it was 'my' trip and she was just coming along for the literal ride.

OP posts:
QueenoftheFarts · 02/04/2023 21:36

She's not your friend. She's a freeloading CF.

HamBone · 02/04/2023 21:38

Just leave it and never suggest a weekend away to her again!

I agree with PP’s that if someone would like to treat a friend, they say upfront. One of my friends treated me to an event ticket last week and she told me right away that she wanted to treat me.