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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect an invitation

163 replies

WannabeFamily · 01/04/2023 10:52

I am new to Mumsnet but my colleague showed me a thread so I want everybody’s opinion about this.

Unlike my sister I have an excellent relationship with my in-laws. I definitely have disappointments though primarily with the relationship with my (husband’s) sister-in-law but rationally it’s just I have expectations about what that relationship should be which she clearly doesn’t share. She didn’t come to my hen weekend and neither of them had shown interest in my son but obviously they don’t have to.

MiL had a cancer diagnosis, it was caught early and she was given the all clear but weeks later FiL died suddenly. Absolutely awful. It’s an odd thing to say but in the months following MiL’s diagnosis and treatment we were close to BiLand SiL all pulling together.

DH sees BiL all the time and when we both see them all is well , they are excellent company.

A few months ago BiL told Dh that he wanted to accompany SiL to the US for 2 years for her job but didn’t want to land DH in it with supporting MiL. DH was totally supportive.

A few months pass and another dinner between DH and brother but SiL there as well but I wasn’t included. They were going to get married to make things easier. They planned to come back to the Uk in about 18 months and DH was not to tell MiL about wedding plans until it was all in motion.

So now… DH is best man and is going to hotel night before etc. He asked BiL details of timings etc to tell me. I am not invited!

It’s a small wedding in a room that can accommodate 16 guests. Parents, two surviving grandparents, siblings, cousins and close friends.

I am completely devastated.

DH is shocked. He had no idea about the plans. Both BiL and SiL have said they’re sorry that I am disappointed but it’s a small ceremony to tie up loose ends. It’s not a celebration but they are going to a good hotel after for lunch which I am not invited to either!
Am I being unreasonable? I am upset and angry and insulted.

OP posts:
Rollinghill · 01/04/2023 10:55

It sounds like it's a difficult time for them, grief affects everyone differently. I can understand why you're upset, it's horrible feeling excluded, but I think you have to gracefully let it go. Sorry you're in this situation.

Sapphire387 · 01/04/2023 10:56

While I normally say people should invite who they want, I do think it's a bit 'off' to to have your brother as your best man, but not invite his wife. YANBU to feel hurt by this.

kweeble · 01/04/2023 10:58

They obviously don’t like you and I would take it personally; if I was your husband I wouldn’t go either.

Aprilx · 01/04/2023 10:59

I think it is pretty rude too. Although if they only have space for 16 people, I am not sure who in that guest list they would need to drop in order to include you.

I think you do need to accept that they don’t consider you family or someone that they are close too. I’d keep a little bit of distance from them going forward.

minou123 · 01/04/2023 10:59

I can see why you are upset you haven't been included.
Has your child been included?

Personally, I think you can be upset, but look on the brightside, you can spend the day doing what you want to do without DH and in laws.
Give yourself a lovely day.

Tryphenia · 01/04/2023 11:03

Who is the sister you refer to as not having a good relationship with your/her ILs? Or is that a typo for SIL? I think you’ve answered your own question in your post when you say you ‘have expectations’ as to how that relationship with your SIL ‘should be’ that she doesn’t share. Your DH and his brother are clearly close, but you and your SIL aren’t. Yes, it does seem more than a bit a bit tone deaf, but not surprising given the other information you’ve given, and you were never under the impression you were close.

Tinkerbyebye · 01/04/2023 11:03

Yes it’s very rude and sorry I would expect my dh not to go.

Vallmo47 · 01/04/2023 11:06

I’d be offended too. When I got married we only included our parents as witnesses (one from each side) and everyone else was invited to an evening thing instead. I couldn’t have said “Parents and my brother, but not your sisters” for example. The only way I’d accept this graciously is if I knew the guest list. Who are these magic 16? Are they ALL blood relations and that’s where they’ve drawn the line? It’s horrible that sometimes it’s at these sort of occasions you notice your rank. I remember my niece’s wedding album with photo memories … she had pictures taken with everyone on an individual basis. Shall we just say I was the only auntie not in the album. Oversight, perhaps, but I’ve mentally taking a bit of a step back from involving myself in her life. Still pleasant etc, but I used to drop everything for her and I’m not sure I would now.

Dinoboymama · 01/04/2023 11:07

I normally am of the mindset it's the couples choice but this is strange.

To have the groom's brother as best man but not invite the wife is just odd. I would be upset in that circumstance.

Babyroobs · 01/04/2023 11:09

Awful. I too would be very upset op.

Aprilx · 01/04/2023 11:09

Tinkerbyebye · 01/04/2023 11:03

Yes it’s very rude and sorry I would expect my dh not to go.

Yes I have just asked my husband what he would think if his brother got married and he was invited and I wasn’t. He immediately said he wouldn’t go.

Nevermind31 · 01/04/2023 11:10

Are any of the other sibling’s spouses invited?

stayathomer · 01/04/2023 11:11

I’m very torn as they’ve had a tough time but 16- you’d just think they could have fit someone in and I’d probably be trying not to be hurt. Saying that my cousin eloped when her father died as they just wanted to get it done. Two years later at a party I met some people who I knew to be their best best best friends and they told me she told them about it on the day (not inviting them but the guilt obviously got them, and told them they’d only decided to even have siblings there that week). In that case it really was a ‘grief knocked her and she just needed to have the barest minimum there’.

PinkiOcelot · 01/04/2023 11:11

Wow that’s shocking. I can see why you’re upset. I would be expecting my husband to say he wasn’t going either.

Steakandquinoa · 01/04/2023 11:12

And not to the meal afterwards either? That’s sad.

OhhhhhhhhBiscuits · 01/04/2023 11:18

I would be very pissed off. They have shown what they think of you so just back off and go no contact with them. If husband wants to go, that's on him, but I would step back from the whole side of the family. For your MIL to not say anything (even with grief) says you are not part of the family.

VainAbigail · 01/04/2023 11:18

Very harsh of them. Do the other siblings have partners? Are they going? You’d hope not. YADNBU.

OrigamiOwls · 01/04/2023 11:20

Normally I'm in the it's their wedding, their choice camp - but I would be upset about this.
They've just shown you how little you mean to them, feel free to treat them accordingly in the future.

Spcd · 01/04/2023 11:20

I think it's fine if you're not one of the 16 people they're closest to to exclude you from this part (unless other people present will also have their partners there). But you should be invited to the lunch

blebbleb · 01/04/2023 11:21

I can see why you're upset, especially not being invited to the lunch! I'd treat them with distance going forward. I wouldn't want my husband to go if it was me.

TrashyPanda · 01/04/2023 11:23

Really nasty behaviour.
Like it is designed to make you feel bad.
they could have chosen any size of room, but they chose one that gives them an excuse not to invite you.

what is wrong with people?

DelphiniumBlue · 01/04/2023 11:24

I'd expect Dh to be saying to his brother " How can you you ask me to celebrate your marriage when you are blatantly ignoring and disrespecting mine?"

35965a · 01/04/2023 11:25

That’s pretty horrible of them, I agree.

PurBal · 01/04/2023 11:30

DelphiniumBlue · 01/04/2023 11:24

I'd expect Dh to be saying to his brother " How can you you ask me to celebrate your marriage when you are blatantly ignoring and disrespecting mine?"

This.

Totalwasteofpaper · 01/04/2023 11:31

They dont like you and are being dicks. With 16 people they can give your dh a +1.
Even if they couldnt you could get an invite to the lunch.

Ultimatelyy what is done is done even ifthey invite you now whats the point.
I would be keeping them at arms length and do nothing nice for them going forward.

Your DH needs to deal with this and personally if i were him i wouldnt attend as it condones their shitty behaviour. Others would probably think differently though