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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect an invitation

163 replies

WannabeFamily · 01/04/2023 10:52

I am new to Mumsnet but my colleague showed me a thread so I want everybody’s opinion about this.

Unlike my sister I have an excellent relationship with my in-laws. I definitely have disappointments though primarily with the relationship with my (husband’s) sister-in-law but rationally it’s just I have expectations about what that relationship should be which she clearly doesn’t share. She didn’t come to my hen weekend and neither of them had shown interest in my son but obviously they don’t have to.

MiL had a cancer diagnosis, it was caught early and she was given the all clear but weeks later FiL died suddenly. Absolutely awful. It’s an odd thing to say but in the months following MiL’s diagnosis and treatment we were close to BiLand SiL all pulling together.

DH sees BiL all the time and when we both see them all is well , they are excellent company.

A few months ago BiL told Dh that he wanted to accompany SiL to the US for 2 years for her job but didn’t want to land DH in it with supporting MiL. DH was totally supportive.

A few months pass and another dinner between DH and brother but SiL there as well but I wasn’t included. They were going to get married to make things easier. They planned to come back to the Uk in about 18 months and DH was not to tell MiL about wedding plans until it was all in motion.

So now… DH is best man and is going to hotel night before etc. He asked BiL details of timings etc to tell me. I am not invited!

It’s a small wedding in a room that can accommodate 16 guests. Parents, two surviving grandparents, siblings, cousins and close friends.

I am completely devastated.

DH is shocked. He had no idea about the plans. Both BiL and SiL have said they’re sorry that I am disappointed but it’s a small ceremony to tie up loose ends. It’s not a celebration but they are going to a good hotel after for lunch which I am not invited to either!
Am I being unreasonable? I am upset and angry and insulted.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 01/04/2023 13:05

While I generally agree that people should invite whom they like, I really think this is off. It's up to DH to explain that he can't support their marriage by being best man without his own wife at his side.

Yes, I really do think that this would be appropriate. Whatever are they thinking, to exclude their best man's wife?

If they have set a criteria of who to exclude / include, the least they could do would be to explain their decision and tell you how sorry they are that it has to be this way. That might be a compromise that would allow your DH to join the ceremony in good faith and have you are the lunch.

Otherwise, he really should be supporting this and should not be part of it. Maybe attend the ceremony but not the lunch unless you are part of it.

As PP mentioned, why does such a low key wedding 'to tie up loose ends' need a best man. What are his duties.

I'm very sorry for this hurt done to you.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 01/04/2023 13:12

TheSandgroper · 01/04/2023 11:44

I would be going nuclear at dh and expect him to pull his weight in telling his brother to, you know, DO THE RIGHT THING!

I can’t imagine being so desperate to go to a wedding where I clearly wasn’t wanted that I’d expect my partner to “go nuclear” to make it happen. Tragic.

Ponoka7 · 01/04/2023 13:12

Is it blood family members that they've invited? I'd say that it is likely that they won't be coming back from the US and this is a (secret) goodbye to family.

RosiePH · 01/04/2023 13:13

I disagree with the majority here and think you are being unreasonable. The start of your post says you didn’t invite SIL to your own hen and implies your relationship isn’t that great (although I may be wrong as it reads a bit confusingly with all the abbreviations, sorry!).

16 guests is 8 each. That could be 2 parents, 2 siblings, 2 friends and an aunt and uncle each. Absolutely tiny numbers really, so I can see why it’s been restricted to immediate relatives and excludes relatives through marriage.

I am having 28 guests at my wedding. The ceremony and meal are in the same place so it’s not like I can invite extra to one part. We’ve still had a few people expect an invite though and I do find this strange. It does typically seem to be people in their 40s and 50s who expect the invites - perhaps everyone was a bit more flush with the cash when they were getting married and it was the done thing in the early 00s to invite everyone?! These days, people are realising how much of a waste of money the big wedding is and taking it back to something more simple. (Sorry, massive tangent but I keep seeing threads from people complaining they haven’t been invited to weddings and and coupled with own current experience I am starting to think it’s a generational thing).

Zonder · 01/04/2023 13:23

DH needs to ask BIL what SILs problem with you is.

Tryphenia · 01/04/2023 13:27

RosiePH · 01/04/2023 13:13

I disagree with the majority here and think you are being unreasonable. The start of your post says you didn’t invite SIL to your own hen and implies your relationship isn’t that great (although I may be wrong as it reads a bit confusingly with all the abbreviations, sorry!).

16 guests is 8 each. That could be 2 parents, 2 siblings, 2 friends and an aunt and uncle each. Absolutely tiny numbers really, so I can see why it’s been restricted to immediate relatives and excludes relatives through marriage.

I am having 28 guests at my wedding. The ceremony and meal are in the same place so it’s not like I can invite extra to one part. We’ve still had a few people expect an invite though and I do find this strange. It does typically seem to be people in their 40s and 50s who expect the invites - perhaps everyone was a bit more flush with the cash when they were getting married and it was the done thing in the early 00s to invite everyone?! These days, people are realising how much of a waste of money the big wedding is and taking it back to something more simple. (Sorry, massive tangent but I keep seeing threads from people complaining they haven’t been invited to weddings and and coupled with own current experience I am starting to think it’s a generational thing).

I took from the OP that she’d invited her SIL to her hen party, but she hadn’t come.

RosiePH · 01/04/2023 13:29

Oh fair enough. Either way, maybe the SIL doesn’t see the relationship as closely as OP does. But it’s still 8 guests each and that really doesn’t leave room for anyone outside of immediate family/very best friends.

Dilemma19 · 01/04/2023 13:29

My dh wouldn't go either. It seems like they do have an issue with you( her not coming to your hen), but have faking it to keep the peace for MIL maybe? Well now you can see their true colours.

Untitledsquatboulder · 01/04/2023 13:30

DelphiniumBlue · 01/04/2023 11:24

I'd expect Dh to be saying to his brother " How can you you ask me to celebrate your marriage when you are blatantly ignoring and disrespecting mine?"

This. Its really, really not OK.

Holly6547 · 01/04/2023 13:38

It’s difficult to imagine a scenario where I would act like them. I’d consider the two of you to be a package, I’d have to have space for both of you. If I didn’t, I’d find a larger venue. Definitely would invite you to lunch. If it was a financial thing, I’d be upfront and describe the situation with an apology. But I really wouldn’t invite one without the other.

OriginalUsername2 · 01/04/2023 13:54

Given what you have been through together I think they’re being incredibly cold towards you and disrespectful of your marriage.

I wouldn’t make a fuss but would treat them accordingly from now on.

BlackFriday · 01/04/2023 13:56

No, it's not a generational thing.

Nanny0gg · 01/04/2023 13:57

RosiePH · 01/04/2023 13:13

I disagree with the majority here and think you are being unreasonable. The start of your post says you didn’t invite SIL to your own hen and implies your relationship isn’t that great (although I may be wrong as it reads a bit confusingly with all the abbreviations, sorry!).

16 guests is 8 each. That could be 2 parents, 2 siblings, 2 friends and an aunt and uncle each. Absolutely tiny numbers really, so I can see why it’s been restricted to immediate relatives and excludes relatives through marriage.

I am having 28 guests at my wedding. The ceremony and meal are in the same place so it’s not like I can invite extra to one part. We’ve still had a few people expect an invite though and I do find this strange. It does typically seem to be people in their 40s and 50s who expect the invites - perhaps everyone was a bit more flush with the cash when they were getting married and it was the done thing in the early 00s to invite everyone?! These days, people are realising how much of a waste of money the big wedding is and taking it back to something more simple. (Sorry, massive tangent but I keep seeing threads from people complaining they haven’t been invited to weddings and and coupled with own current experience I am starting to think it’s a generational thing).

Where does it say she didn't invite her SiL to the Hen? The SiL didn't go! It was clear.

And it's a sad state of affairs if Good Manners are a 'generational thing'.

Nanny0gg · 01/04/2023 13:58

RosiePH · 01/04/2023 13:29

Oh fair enough. Either way, maybe the SIL doesn’t see the relationship as closely as OP does. But it’s still 8 guests each and that really doesn’t leave room for anyone outside of immediate family/very best friends.

I consider my brothers/sisters in-law more 'immediate family' than cousins.

I appreciate some cousins are as close as siblings but that's not usual

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/04/2023 14:09

Hurtful OP, but there's nothing you can do about it. You can expect/stop your husband from attending his sister's wedding but that's really not going to go in any positive direction.

I disagree with the poster saying about 'disrespecting husband's marriage', and I think the emphasis on celebrating a marriage in this instance is over-dramatic and mawkish. You and sister in law are not close, it would be attending the wedding, nothing to do with celebrating a 'marriage' as you'd have no part to play in that and most people attending weddings are doing just that - sod all to do with marriage, that is between the couple only, or should be, in my opinion.

If I were in your position, I'd tell husband to go, it's his sister. I would not though have any further dealings with his sister and her husband. You won't suffer any longer and nor should you.

Celebrate your own good marriage and pay no regard to sister in law's wedding.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/04/2023 14:12

Sorry - his brother's wedding, not his sister's. Doesn't change anything either way.

I like Witheredandolds post. And this is not about you, you don't deserve this, OP.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/04/2023 14:18

DelphiniumBlue · 01/04/2023 11:24

I'd expect Dh to be saying to his brother " How can you you ask me to celebrate your marriage when you are blatantly ignoring and disrespecting mine?"

This was the post I was referencing; the brother and sister in law are excluding OP (which is unkind and hurtful), the marriage is what happens between the couple though, nobody else, so ignoring and disrespecting anybody else's marriage isn't possible in my view.

CovertImage · 01/04/2023 14:18

I am starting to think it’s a generational thing

I always love that little bit of ageism wrapped up as an observation

ittakes2 · 01/04/2023 14:18

I am very sorry but for some reason one or both do not like you.
I think they must know they would upset your husband who is someone they like enough to have as best man and they don’t care.

Original poster
WannabeFamily · 01/04/2023 14:18

To answer a few questions. It is my sister who has quite spiteful in-laws so I have always counted my lucky stars that I have got on with mine.

BiL and SiL have been together longer than we have and my sister invited all of my in-laws to her wedding but SiL would go back and forth to Seattle before the pandemic so didn’t go to my sister’s wedding. She was invited to my hen do, was at home but declined the invitation.

I have not been judgmental (until now) about them. I have been saddened that she sees the relationship differently to me and has different expectations.

She was away when my son was born; I was at in-laws’ house when BiL ran in with something he had borrowed she was driving and I expected she would come in and see my son but they drove off.

When I see her she is very friendly.

Initially she was going on her own to the US then BiL decided to go but they would get free flights and insurance if they were married.

He has been transparent with DH about care of MiL wanting to come back on one occasion and take her back with him. He said he would negotiate times at DH’s convenience.

They are definitely not staying in US as they want kids when they come back and don’t want to raise them there.

DH says he wouldn’t have agreed to take part had he known of my exclusion.

We actually think MiL doesn’t know I am not going. She is excited about wedding as it’s been a bone of contention that they’re not married.

DH doesn’t know what to do about telling her.

I am really unhappy. I don’t think anyone else is being treated more favourably than me but I am sick to my stomach about it. I am really shocked. DH is shocked as well. I do not want him to fall out with his only sibling.

OP posts:
anonymouschef · 01/04/2023 14:20

Dickheads
My husband wouldn't go I think

Urgh such a fragile situation as well

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 01/04/2023 14:20

Nanny0gg · 01/04/2023 13:58

I consider my brothers/sisters in-law more 'immediate family' than cousins.

I appreciate some cousins are as close as siblings but that's not usual

Show quote history

Just because that’s what you consider immediate family, it doesn’t mean others feel the same.

FiddleLeaf · 01/04/2023 14:21

It sounds more like a tick box wedding that a proper event.

I’d feel a bit upset too but quickly shrug it off.

Cherryana · 01/04/2023 14:41

I think they have unquestionably damaged your family relationship with this choice.

Your husband needs to get in a room with his brother to speak face to face, not over the phone.

He needs to explain that the exclusion of his wife, is very hurtful to you both, and that he is going to step from being best man (as part of best man duties include giving of time and energy - away from his family).

Then, really he can still go but - BIG BUT, you don’t need to just suck up all the hurt quietly.

Turnipworkharder · 01/04/2023 14:46

It's shocking you've not been invited but you shouldn't really be surprised.
They've been showing you their true colours all along, not meeting your child, not attending your hen do.

I don't know how they can fail to invite you and not feel embarrassed.

I'd personally be very very cool with them in future.

Due to your mil circumstances I'd just except you're not attending and make out your not bothered.

Not sure about your Husband though, how's he going to feel attending this wedding, and his brother may as well have said ' we don't want to be around your wife '.