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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect an invitation

163 replies

WannabeFamily · 01/04/2023 10:52

I am new to Mumsnet but my colleague showed me a thread so I want everybody’s opinion about this.

Unlike my sister I have an excellent relationship with my in-laws. I definitely have disappointments though primarily with the relationship with my (husband’s) sister-in-law but rationally it’s just I have expectations about what that relationship should be which she clearly doesn’t share. She didn’t come to my hen weekend and neither of them had shown interest in my son but obviously they don’t have to.

MiL had a cancer diagnosis, it was caught early and she was given the all clear but weeks later FiL died suddenly. Absolutely awful. It’s an odd thing to say but in the months following MiL’s diagnosis and treatment we were close to BiLand SiL all pulling together.

DH sees BiL all the time and when we both see them all is well , they are excellent company.

A few months ago BiL told Dh that he wanted to accompany SiL to the US for 2 years for her job but didn’t want to land DH in it with supporting MiL. DH was totally supportive.

A few months pass and another dinner between DH and brother but SiL there as well but I wasn’t included. They were going to get married to make things easier. They planned to come back to the Uk in about 18 months and DH was not to tell MiL about wedding plans until it was all in motion.

So now… DH is best man and is going to hotel night before etc. He asked BiL details of timings etc to tell me. I am not invited!

It’s a small wedding in a room that can accommodate 16 guests. Parents, two surviving grandparents, siblings, cousins and close friends.

I am completely devastated.

DH is shocked. He had no idea about the plans. Both BiL and SiL have said they’re sorry that I am disappointed but it’s a small ceremony to tie up loose ends. It’s not a celebration but they are going to a good hotel after for lunch which I am not invited to either!
Am I being unreasonable? I am upset and angry and insulted.

OP posts:
LadyWiddiothethird · 01/04/2023 14:50

Your husband should go to the ceremony only,get there at the last minute and leave immediately after.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/04/2023 14:56

That's a good compromise, LadyWiddiothethird, there for the important/formal bit only.

Oceans1000 · 01/04/2023 15:02

That is very hurtful of them and obviously a shock to your husband too. Does your husband intend to pull out?

maddening · 01/04/2023 15:05

Cousins and close friends but not you as sil - yanbu imo

ClaraBourne · 01/04/2023 15:06

Your husband should have nipped this in the bud when there were dinners where you were not invited when they were discussing the fact that he would be looking after MIL. That affects all of you too.

Your DH should have set a boundary there. But he didn't.

They are being allowed to show their open disrespect of you to everybody and your DH condones it.

gamerchick · 01/04/2023 15:11

Well at least now you're sure your SIL doesn't like you or see you part of the family. I would shrug it off but I know my husband wouldn't be going to no wedding. He just wouldn't have me being treated like that nor me him.

maddening · 01/04/2023 15:12

And actually the fact that you are not invited to the dinner after where there is no restriction on numbers is even worse - at least they could have included you there -.the only thing you can take from that is that they actively do not like you!

WhatFreshHeckle · 01/04/2023 15:18

That's pretty harsh. Yanbu

gamerchick · 01/04/2023 15:22

He should have nipped this in the bud a while back. There's nothing stopping him fulfilling his duty in the wedding but then the 2 of you doing something nice together when they go for their meal. I'd be quite hurt if he went to that as well

LumpyandBumps · 01/04/2023 15:26

DelphiniumBlue · 01/04/2023 11:24

I'd expect Dh to be saying to his brother " How can you you ask me to celebrate your marriage when you are blatantly ignoring and disrespecting mine?"

I think the above is the best post on here.

I am sure they will think of you as family if they need you to provide care and support to MIL, and they have been very short sighted in their actions. Why snub someone who is likely to to be a vital part of a of MIL’s support network?

I think the damage is done though. I wouldn’t go to the wedding now if they begged me. We are not ‘joined at the hip’ and both my husband and I have been to weddings separately, where only one of us knew the bride and groom, but in this situation I know that my husband would be telling his brother to find a new best man.

MinnieGirl · 01/04/2023 15:27

They are getting married to get free flights and insurance. Your husband is best man but they haven’t invited you to the ceremony or the reception? No way would my husband be going! You say you don’t want to spoil your DH relationship with his only sibling, but I’m afraid that ship has sailed, and your BiL & SiL are totally to blame. Neither you or DH are ever going to feel the same about them again after this stunt. So, DH needs to get on the phone to his brother, and very calmly point out that you are a couple and as they clearly don’t want you then he won’t be attending either. But that you wish them well for the day etc. It’s not like you’ve been accidentally missed either as they have confirmed you are not invited. Seriously dreadful behaviour and I would struggle to want to be in their company after this

IAmInMeHoop · 01/04/2023 15:27

FiddleLeaf · 01/04/2023 14:21

It sounds more like a tick box wedding that a proper event.

I’d feel a bit upset too but quickly shrug it off.

That's even less reason to fuck with someone like this.

Witchbitch20 · 01/04/2023 15:29

Nasty.

when someone shows you who they are believe them.

You should make it clear from here on in to your husband that you won’t be attending any family events when this lovely couple are in attendance.

BadNomad · 01/04/2023 15:32

A "tick box wedding" would be a registry office with a couple of witnesses. BIL and SIL are having a wedding, a small one, but it's still a wedding with family and friends and a best man.

diddl · 01/04/2023 15:39

DH says he wouldn’t have agreed to take part had he known of my exclusion.

But now he does now-and is still attending?

Why not back out if he feels that strongly?

darjeelingrose · 01/04/2023 16:12

You are not unreasonable, but there is no coming back from this. Even if they invited you now, it'd be too late. It think the best suggestion is the one where your husband attends the ceremony but not the meal. It's just mean not inviting you to the meal.

LunaMay · 01/04/2023 16:13

How much support are they expecting you to give to your MIL while they swan off for 18 months? Not even an invite for lunch is horrible behaviour.

billy1966 · 01/04/2023 16:32

Untitledsquatboulder · 01/04/2023 13:30

This. Its really, really not OK.

Show quote history

Absolutely this.

What truly appallingly rude behaviour.

I don't know that my relationship with my husband wouldn't be permanently damaged by him going to the wedding and that is being honest.

I would view it as hugely disloyal to me.

I don't think your MIL should be protected from the truth.

They clearly dislike you intensely, don't care if they have a future relationship with you, and really don't care if they never see you again.

I can understand how hurt you must be.
Everyone might not like you, but for your husbands only sibling to be so vicious is very hurtful.

There is absolutely no way that I would pretend to be anything other than deeply hurt, but of course I wouldn't say anything to them, it is there choice.

However, I would be 100% honest with your husband as to how upset you are, don't hide it.

You will bitterly regret it if you try and make out that you are not devastated.

Make your feelings very clear and how you will feel about it if he goes without you.

billy1966 · 01/04/2023 16:35

MinnieGirl · 01/04/2023 15:27

They are getting married to get free flights and insurance. Your husband is best man but they haven’t invited you to the ceremony or the reception? No way would my husband be going! You say you don’t want to spoil your DH relationship with his only sibling, but I’m afraid that ship has sailed, and your BiL & SiL are totally to blame. Neither you or DH are ever going to feel the same about them again after this stunt. So, DH needs to get on the phone to his brother, and very calmly point out that you are a couple and as they clearly don’t want you then he won’t be attending either. But that you wish them well for the day etc. It’s not like you’ve been accidentally missed either as they have confirmed you are not invited. Seriously dreadful behaviour and I would struggle to want to be in their company after this

This.

In my view they have ended your relationship with them, which I presume they want to do.

orangesandlemonsthebellsofstc · 01/04/2023 16:41

@WannabeFamily this is awful. What they are doing is deeply personal and I can't even fathom how two grown humans would think this is okay. It's such a statement to both your husband and you. How can they knowingly cause hurt like that?!

I think your husband needs to say something. I'm so sorry this happened to you both. I imagine MIL would be upset if she knew too.

BlueHeelers · 01/04/2023 16:43

YANBU

It’s just plain rude.

Original poster
WannabeFamily · 01/04/2023 16:46

My rational self has these thoughts. I have been invited to two weddings (prior to this one) without my DH. I went to one and the reason I didn’t go to the other had nothing to do with DH not being invited. No issue at all. They didn’t know him and he wasn’t bothered. DH was invited to a late afternoon wedding by a female colleague who had never met me. He went with other colleagues without spouses. I would like to have gone because I love weddings. Again no issue at all. I don’t think inviting one half of a couple is disrespecting a guest’s marriage but this is an actual sister-in-law!!!!!

My cousins are infinitely more important to me than my in-laws but as someone said there wouldn’t be a scenario where I would have to choose between them.

DH has had at least three conversations with BiL. BiL said that it never occurred to them that this would be an issue as they are going through the motions. On one of these occasions SiL was present and said how much she enjoyed our wedding and those of their cousins and friends but she always knew that that type of wedding wasn’t for them.

The venue has three wedding rooms. I am actually familiar with the venue as music exams take place there but I have never been in the small room that they have chosen. The other two rooms are massive and they feel that they would have to invite other people as the other two rooms would swamp a smaller gathering. The small room has a fireplace isn’t as ‘municipal’ and has frescoes (I had to look that up) by Queen Victoria’s daughter!!!!
BiL’s boss was going to choose to turn a blind eye to his initially spending a lot of time in Seattle but when he said he wanted to actually go there Boss said he would have to leave but he would employ a replacement on a fixed term contract but BiL could then come back as long as it was no more than two years. Now Boss has said he will just turn blue eye again. BiL said that had he known this earlier they wouldn’t have bothered getting married.
BiL has never apologised but had said he just wouldn’t have bothered if he had known what fuss it has caused. They have asked DH if he is dropping out. They have pointed out that there is no room for me as SiL’s siblings’ spouse and girlfriend would also have to come. Her brother did ask about GF coming to meal but they don’t want any additions to meal as all booked and decorations paid for and they think the vibe will alter.

God this is long. The children of late FiL’s sister are invited but not aunt and no spouses. She rang MiL asking if it were possible for her and one of her daughters-in-Law (whose wedding we all attended literally two weeks beefiest lockdown) to wait outside venue to see dress etc.

MiL has shouted at BiL about this lack of invitation. BiL just sees this as a reason how things get out of hand and sees it as legitimising their decisions.

SiL has always been pleasant to me but doesn’t see me as a friend.

Every body here has been supportive of me but I bet you will hate this! I never cried when MiL was ill I just got on and helped ad did SiL. FiL’d death was sudden, literally he’d been to a friend’s house and died. I was so shocked I didn’t cry. This lack of an invitation has had me in floods.

OP posts:
Proudofeveryone · 01/04/2023 16:48

I hope Bil and Sil are not thinking that YOU will be helping to care for Mil while
they go to America.
You not only have an in-law problem but a DH if he's allowing them to disrespect his wife.

ColadhSamh · 01/04/2023 16:54

I cannot understand why your husband is not supporting you?

As others have pointed out excluding you from the 16 could possibly be explained but beyond that, absolutely not.

What they have done is cruel and humiliating. It needs to be addressed quickly and calmly (if at all possible) and let the chips fall where they will. Your husband needs to support you and your child and stop colluding with nasty and self centered people who have already caused irreparable damage by their actions.

FictionalCharacter · 01/04/2023 17:13

That’s really unkind of them. The have 16 places and chose to invite cousins and friends instead of you. No invite to the meal either. They clearly don’t see you as family. I’d expect my husband to say something.
The only way I’d find this acceptable would be if it’s obvious to them that you really don’t like them, don’t get on with them and generally avoid them. But that doesn’t seem to be the case at all.

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