To expect an invitation

[WannabeFamily]

I am new to Mumsnet but my colleague showed me a thread so I want everybody’s opinion about this.

Unlike my sister I have an excellent relationship with my in-laws. I definitely have disappointments though primarily with the relationship with my (husband’s) sister-in-law but rationally it’s just I have expectations about what that relationship should be which she clearly doesn’t share. She didn’t come to my hen weekend and neither of them had shown interest in my son but obviously they don’t have to.

MiL had a cancer diagnosis, it was caught early and she was given the all clear but weeks later FiL died suddenly. Absolutely awful. It’s an odd thing to say but in the months following MiL’s diagnosis and treatment we were close to BiLand SiL all pulling together.

DH sees BiL all the time and when we both see them all is well , they are excellent company.

A few months ago BiL told Dh that he wanted to accompany SiL to the US for 2 years for her job but didn’t want to land DH in it with supporting MiL. DH was totally supportive.

A few months pass and another dinner between DH and brother but SiL there as well but I wasn’t included. They were going to get married to make things easier. They planned to come back to the Uk in about 18 months and DH was not to tell MiL about wedding plans until it was all in motion.

So now… DH is best man and is going to hotel night before etc. He asked BiL details of timings etc to tell me. I am not invited!

It’s a small wedding in a room that can accommodate 16 guests. Parents, two surviving grandparents, siblings, cousins and close friends.

I am completely devastated.

DH is shocked. He had no idea about the plans. Both BiL and SiL have said they’re sorry that I am disappointed but it’s a small ceremony to tie up loose ends. It’s not a celebration but they are going to a good hotel after for lunch which I am not invited to either!
Am I being unreasonable? I am upset and angry and insulted.

So are you saying this to all the partners not being invited or just the op?

Other rooms are available.

If you want a teeny wedding to the point where you're willing to exclude your brother's wife, elope.

It's not actually all about what the couple want. The decisions you make have consequences for your future relationships with the people around you.

Sounds like SIL is only nice to you when she has to be. Pulling together FIL's death and when it is the four of you.

I do think it is off you were not invited. They would have known choosing so few guests would be upsetting to family who were not 'chosen' to be included.

Your drip feed changes my initial response.

So no partners are attending-you are not being excluded. They are just keeping it very small.
Your DH should go and enjoy himself without guilt.

As SIL’s siblings’ spouse/partners aren’t invited then I think I would just draw line under it will now.

However, I would go LC with them and leave DH to it from now on. So don’t invite them to your family’e events anymore, just MIL. Don’t invite them for dinner, don’t text them, don’t give them a going away party.

When they have a baby, don’t go and see them. They have set the terms for how they want the relationship to be, they don’t get to change it.

Well the huge drip feed of the other partners also not being invited does mean that they are indeed singling out a group they deem surpluses to requirements on the day.

Families are very different and that is clear every day on MN.

I couldn't imagine such rudeness, but understand that others feel it is acceptable to them.

Your last post indicates that your husband is going, you are going to pretend you are fine and suck it up, so I suppose everything IS fine after all.

If it was just parents and blood siblings (so 8) that would generally be okay.

But cousins and friends are being invited, clearly more liked than any in laws. That's what is rude.

What a disgusting way to be treated. They have no respect for you or your DH. If your DH goes I think he should leave at the earliest opportunity. Groom doesn't need a best man if it's only a small wedding.

What horrible spiteful people.

But if no other siblings’ spouses are being invited, why were you expecting to be an exception, OP? Just because your DH is best man? Or have you only found out subsequently that no other spouses/partners are going, and at first you thought it was just you?

I like my cousins and friends better than my BIL. That doesn’t mean I hate him.

Someone upthread said it was ‘generational’ and someone else disagreed but on reflection I definitely think it’s generational.

My parents’ generation saw in-laws as family; my mother’s best friend was my dad’s sister. We never differentiated between blood and married in family. Only one of my parents’ siblings divorced.

My mother was unique among friends’ mothers in that she was employed albeit part-time.

Now (and this is a good thing) people marry later, they have careers and make friends independent of their families. They pay for weddings themselves. Their siblings’ partners aren’t important to them whereas cousins are. They might like them well enough but with smaller weddings siblings-in-law just don’t make the cut! My brother did this, for his second marriage sibling spouses weren’t invited. I was gutted. A brother-in-law ‘forgot’ his keys so essentially gate crashed and bride’s dad asked him to join for a drink. My brother hasn’t forgiven him.

I am still completely upset by this.

With subsequent relationships people are obviously older, probably with kids and established lives, there isn’t the time or inclination to want relationships with in-laws. We have lost something with this trend.
OP won’t be able to share reminiscences and her and her child won’t Bevin the ‘forever’ photos.

Someone upthread said it was ‘generational’ and someone else disagreed but on reflection I definitely think it’s generational.

Agree it is generational. Some parents have let many of this generation down by giving them a sense of entitlement, a need for a wow factor, to be different and not teaching them basic manners!

Someone I know of (thankfully not well enough to have to decline an invite, but I know someone who is) is getting married and it is the most ridiculous setup I have EVER heard - it is 5 hours drive into the middle of nowhere, not even a place they have a sentimental attachment too, guests need to either stay at onsite cottages that are a 2 mile walk in the venue grounds or 25 minute taxi ride away, guests need to stand outdoors for around an hour and a half (actually outdoors, not just outside the room) while they switch the room around from meal to evening reception setup - in Scotland in January! 🤣 Venue suggests they arrange the hire of a gazebo in case it is raining 🤣 The wedding is costing in excess of £30k - including £6k for a wedding dress the bride plans to wear for a couple of hours before changing into a different evening dress. They are an average income couple living together and going into debt for this "wow" wedding.

I have already planted the seed with ds(19) about what being a host at a wedding should mean and not to expect me to pay for something like that!

As someone mentioned up thread, I also think it is so very rude to disrespect your marriage in this way, when asking your DH to celebrate theirs. You don't exclude spouses this close to home, when reducing numbers, unless you really don't care about the relationship. I understand why you are hurt and I think it reflects very badly on them.

My DH's adopted sister did similar to us a few years ago and my DH just declined the invite. He told them that he respected their numbers issue, but he wouldn't be attending without his wife and they accepted this. We are friendly when we cross paths, but have very little contact with them these days.