Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect an invitation

163 replies

WannabeFamily · 01/04/2023 10:52

I am new to Mumsnet but my colleague showed me a thread so I want everybody’s opinion about this.

Unlike my sister I have an excellent relationship with my in-laws. I definitely have disappointments though primarily with the relationship with my (husband’s) sister-in-law but rationally it’s just I have expectations about what that relationship should be which she clearly doesn’t share. She didn’t come to my hen weekend and neither of them had shown interest in my son but obviously they don’t have to.

MiL had a cancer diagnosis, it was caught early and she was given the all clear but weeks later FiL died suddenly. Absolutely awful. It’s an odd thing to say but in the months following MiL’s diagnosis and treatment we were close to BiLand SiL all pulling together.

DH sees BiL all the time and when we both see them all is well , they are excellent company.

A few months ago BiL told Dh that he wanted to accompany SiL to the US for 2 years for her job but didn’t want to land DH in it with supporting MiL. DH was totally supportive.

A few months pass and another dinner between DH and brother but SiL there as well but I wasn’t included. They were going to get married to make things easier. They planned to come back to the Uk in about 18 months and DH was not to tell MiL about wedding plans until it was all in motion.

So now… DH is best man and is going to hotel night before etc. He asked BiL details of timings etc to tell me. I am not invited!

It’s a small wedding in a room that can accommodate 16 guests. Parents, two surviving grandparents, siblings, cousins and close friends.

I am completely devastated.

DH is shocked. He had no idea about the plans. Both BiL and SiL have said they’re sorry that I am disappointed but it’s a small ceremony to tie up loose ends. It’s not a celebration but they are going to a good hotel after for lunch which I am not invited to either!
Am I being unreasonable? I am upset and angry and insulted.

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 01/04/2023 11:31

If space is an issue for the actual ceremony then maybe fair enough but to not invite you to the meal afterwards??? That's just plain nasty! Is your DH still going to go?

Blanketpolicy · 01/04/2023 11:32

Tinkerbyebye · 01/04/2023 11:03

Yes it’s very rude and sorry I would expect my dh not to go.

I wouldnt "expect" my dh not to go. But I know he wouldn't, I would probably tell him to let it lie but he would be looking for a better explaination of wtf they are thinking and it would impact his relationship with them long term.

It is a very public declaration that they don't like you so much they can't even tolerate you there.

ODPintheNHS · 01/04/2023 11:34

My husband wouldn’t go!

BlackFriday · 01/04/2023 11:35

What an unpleasant thing to do.
I don't blame you in the slightest for being upset.

Nimbostratus100 · 01/04/2023 11:39

I disagree with the majority here - they only have 16 guests, I would not expect to be in any BIL/SILs list of 16 closest people

Usernamesarenoteasy · 01/04/2023 11:43

I'm obviously in the minority here, but if I got married and we could only have 16 people between us, my parents, siblings and closest friends would acount for my 8 people. All without partners.
16 people is not a lot at all! There will probably be many other people feeling they should get an invite as well.

TheSandgroper · 01/04/2023 11:44

I would be going nuclear at dh and expect him to pull his weight in telling his brother to, you know, DO THE RIGHT THING!

namechange3394 · 01/04/2023 11:47

Is it a child free wedding and they're therefore assuming you'll be at home looking after DC anyway?

It sounds like a very low key wedding and if it's child free I wouldn't be expecting you to get childcare for it.

I still think they've done a shitty thing (should be up to you whether to or not!) but perhaps this is their reasoning

BadNomad · 01/04/2023 11:47

They don't see you as close friend or family. They made that clear a long time ago. You need to accept that. I think if I was you I would step back completely and just let DH manage his relationship with his brother and SIL. Christmas, birthdays, whatever, DH can deal with it.

dittbtdity · 01/04/2023 11:52

Given you are married to the grooms brother they are being incredibly unpleasant regarding invitations.
I'd say it's not really a numbers game but one or both don't like you.
Husband should decline the meal.
I'm sorry they're putting you through this.

Ihadenough22 · 01/04/2023 11:57

To have the groom's brother as best man but not invite the wife is just odd. They told your husband that the room they are getting married in can only take 16 people. Maybe they have relatives or family friends they have to invite.
They should have asked you to the meal they were planning for after the ceremony especially when your husband is the groomsman.

Your sil has gotten a chance to go to the Us for work and that's why they are getting married.
Over say the past 2 year's both you and your husband offered them support after the fil died and helped out when the mil got cancer at the same time.

In your husband shoes I tell them that he could not be groomsman when they decided not to invite you. They are a pair of CF. As well as that to they expect you and your husband to pick up the load off looking out for your mil when they head off to the US for the next 18 months.
The reality is that they could be gone for longer than that.

My feeling is that they don't want the mil to know about the wedding until they have it all sorted out. They may not want her to be getting stressed over this or have to tell her that she can't invite certain people as well.

They have shown their true colours now and in the future I would not be in a position to help them out.

msbevvy · 01/04/2023 11:59

They claim that it is not a celebration and is merely to tie up loose ends. That sort of wedding wouldn't usually warrant having a Best Man. Ours certainly didn't.

They supposedly feel bad about leaving your DH in the position of supporting his Mum but don't invite his wife to the wedding! Unbelievably thoughtless, especially as your DH taking on more responsibility for supporting his Mum is bound to affect you as well.

WitheredandOld · 01/04/2023 12:01

Wow. I would have fuck all to do with any of them and that includes the MiL. I’d also be angry at my husband for saying nothing.

Drop the rope as everyone on MN says. Do absolutely nothing to facilitate a relationship with that side of the family.

ZekeZeke · 01/04/2023 12:02

You are being excluded intentionally.

Cousins! Cousins are being invited but the grooms own brothers wife isn't. I would be fuming too.
Not a hope my DH would attend without me, not a bloody hope.

Daisybee6 · 01/04/2023 12:03

They obviously really do not like you to do this, so if it were me I'd just not bother trying to force a relationship with them at all anymore.

If your dh wants a relationship with his brother then that's up to him

Selttan · 01/04/2023 12:04

I could understand the ceremony given it's only a small group but to not invite you to the lunch after is very rude

milveycrohn · 01/04/2023 12:06

If it were me, I would probably suggest that DH go to the wedding (and photos if there are any), but omit the lunch.

gogohmm · 01/04/2023 12:07

It all depends on who exactly is in the 16, if cousins (unless the cousin was brought up in the same household due to family issues for example) are invited yes i would be aggrieved however if it turns out it's just siblings (no other partners) and parents less so. Remember if there's 4 siblings as an example and all have partners you can't invite just one so that's 4 extra guests, tge room limit is the limit. Saying no partners could be the only solution

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 01/04/2023 12:08

I think its awful. Rude and shitty behaviour. One thing to invite husband only of it really only the very closest blood relatives but given than your husband is also best man an exception should have been made. Do you know who the other 16 guests are? I would be as you are hurt and annoyed and rightfully so. I would end any contact or relationship with either of them and play no part in producing a wedding gift or card. Let your husband deal with it. I would also expect my husband to speak out about this with the bride and groom and if other partners have been invited I would expect him not to go or have a word with the bride and group calling them out.

Shoxfordian · 01/04/2023 12:09

It sounds like they never liked you so stop engaging with anything to do with them

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 01/04/2023 12:10

The very fact that you are not invited to the meal after either speaks volumes about their feelings towards you and tour husband should call them out on this and why you cannot come to the after celebration

drpet49 · 01/04/2023 12:11

Usernamesarenoteasy · 01/04/2023 11:43

I'm obviously in the minority here, but if I got married and we could only have 16 people between us, my parents, siblings and closest friends would acount for my 8 people. All without partners.
16 people is not a lot at all! There will probably be many other people feeling they should get an invite as well.

This. YABU They are only inviting 16 people.

ParkrunPlodder · 01/04/2023 12:12

Aprilx · 01/04/2023 11:09

Yes I have just asked my husband what he would think if his brother got married and he was invited and I wasn’t. He immediately said he wouldn’t go.

Show quote history

I agree. Ultimately this is disrespectful to your DH. His brother and future SIL feel able to critique and exclude your DH chosen partner - it’s very insulting to him as well as you & is a total power game. It reflects very badly on the pair of them. I almost feel you should be honoured to be a viewed as such a big threat by such an insecure and nasty pair. If their venue only fits 16 and that means excluding the groom’s brother’s wife then IMO they need to choose a different venue.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/04/2023 12:12

16 is a very small number - who do you think they should drop to accommodate you?
I'm surprised at the lack of invite to the dinner though as surely there's no restrictions there? Unless there is, or it's a finance thing, I guess as others have said, they possibly don't like you.

rogueone · 01/04/2023 12:14

Given your OP you clearly are judgy of both BIL and SIL and they don’t like you. Simple as that- they are having a very small wedding and want people they like there. Your DH clearly knows the situation about your relationship hence him still going. Perhaps reflect on why you haven’t been invited and think about how to rebuild the relationship starting with not being so judgemental of others choices or behaviours