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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect an invitation

163 replies

WannabeFamily · 01/04/2023 10:52

I am new to Mumsnet but my colleague showed me a thread so I want everybody’s opinion about this.

Unlike my sister I have an excellent relationship with my in-laws. I definitely have disappointments though primarily with the relationship with my (husband’s) sister-in-law but rationally it’s just I have expectations about what that relationship should be which she clearly doesn’t share. She didn’t come to my hen weekend and neither of them had shown interest in my son but obviously they don’t have to.

MiL had a cancer diagnosis, it was caught early and she was given the all clear but weeks later FiL died suddenly. Absolutely awful. It’s an odd thing to say but in the months following MiL’s diagnosis and treatment we were close to BiLand SiL all pulling together.

DH sees BiL all the time and when we both see them all is well , they are excellent company.

A few months ago BiL told Dh that he wanted to accompany SiL to the US for 2 years for her job but didn’t want to land DH in it with supporting MiL. DH was totally supportive.

A few months pass and another dinner between DH and brother but SiL there as well but I wasn’t included. They were going to get married to make things easier. They planned to come back to the Uk in about 18 months and DH was not to tell MiL about wedding plans until it was all in motion.

So now… DH is best man and is going to hotel night before etc. He asked BiL details of timings etc to tell me. I am not invited!

It’s a small wedding in a room that can accommodate 16 guests. Parents, two surviving grandparents, siblings, cousins and close friends.

I am completely devastated.

DH is shocked. He had no idea about the plans. Both BiL and SiL have said they’re sorry that I am disappointed but it’s a small ceremony to tie up loose ends. It’s not a celebration but they are going to a good hotel after for lunch which I am not invited to either!
Am I being unreasonable? I am upset and angry and insulted.

OP posts:
BlackFriday · 01/04/2023 17:15

So it's even worse than "no room for spouses." They don't want you (and other sils) at the meal because of altering a fucking "VIBE?"

BadNomad · 01/04/2023 17:16

Why are they bothering to have a wedding at all? Why not just have it at the registry office if they wanted to avoid fuss?

billy1966 · 01/04/2023 17:22

It's awful behaviour, by awful people.

Now you know.

The examples of you both going to weddings on your own were absolutely reasonable.

This is not.

You are very quickly going to see how loyal your husband really is.

If he goes you can take it he is not.

I wouldn't be having children with a man who would allow his brother to treat me like that.

Daftasyoulike · 01/04/2023 17:39

DelphiniumBlue · 01/04/2023 11:24

I'd expect Dh to be saying to his brother " How can you you ask me to celebrate your marriage when you are blatantly ignoring and disrespecting mine?"

Totally agree with this!

SquishyGloopyBum · 01/04/2023 17:52

Altering the vibe?! That's bollocks.

So they say it's not a big deal with the ceremony etc but you can't even come to meal because of the vibe. That doesn't even make sense....

KrasiTime · 01/04/2023 18:03

The actual registry part I can sort of get. But the meal - no. They just aren’t very aware of anything but themselves.

Original poster
WannabeFamily · 01/04/2023 18:05

My husband is as shocked as I am. He asked me if I wanted him not to go and I am insisting he goes. While they started this if he refused to go it would be dreadful. DH would be be found guilty of spoiling the occasion. My MiL now knows that I am not going and when I see her I am going to be nonchalant about it. Apparently she was upset which BiL could understand if it was a traditional wedding but it isn’t!!!
The meal where SiL was present DH didn’t know she was going to be there.
They have never shirked responsibilities re: MiL and BiL has been transparent about leaving DH responsible for up to two years. MiL is not disabled or anything but is obviously a different woman from say 18 months ago.
BiL and SiL genuinely are not doing this to upset anyone. If we had done it I doubt their hearts would have missed a beat. They are just very different to us.

In-Laws tried to establish a relationship with her parents once and they were just laughed at; it wouldn’t occur to them that there should be a connection there. They only meet accidentally at their house.

If I go two others will have to go and they would either have to disinvite blood relations and friends or move to another less attractive room.
I haven’t told my parents as I think my dad in particular would think I was being disrespected and he would be very upset.
I will just have to suck I up.
Thank you.

OP posts:
KrasiTime · 01/04/2023 18:20

It’s upsetting but as they also haven’t invited other spouses maybe it’s not personal? Hard to think that they couldn’t have included you all at the meal though. Not what I would do but different folks different strokes.

MacarenaMacarena · 01/04/2023 18:30

Make sure your husband is clear there is no budget for gifts, outfit, stag do or driving people around etc... Minimal fuss is minimal fuss after all... I wouldn't want anything to do with them after this, and they need to talk to your husband about how they will organise their share of care for MIL... these types will be very quick to claim their half of the inheritance, but very slow to accept any responsibility for care. And that is not your job!

BadNomad · 01/04/2023 18:33

Does your SIL have a large family? You'd think with BIL only have your DH he'd be more mindful with how he treats him and his wife and child.

Purplecatshopaholic · 01/04/2023 18:43

Nasty, rude behaviour. There’s no way my DH would go if this was us, he would be furious (same for me if other way round). I wouldn’t be able to come back from this - DH could go to future family get togethers on his own if he wanted to attend!

saraclara · 01/04/2023 18:56

They have pointed out that there is no room for me as SiL’s siblings’ spouse and girlfriend would also have to come

I don't know why you're taking this as a personal insult or assuming they don't like you. All the siblings are being treated equally. None of them, including your DH can bring partners. BIL and bride are treating all the siblings equally.

It's okay to be disappointed, but going off on one is unreasonable. Their explained what they're doing and why, and you and the other siblings partners are being treated equally. Stop having a go at SIL or assuming she doesn't like you, when she's testing her own siblings' partners in the same way as you. You're going to ruin what relationship you have with the whole family.

saraclara · 01/04/2023 18:58

Testing? TREATING her own siblings partners the same way

burnoutbabe · 01/04/2023 19:43

A tick the box exercise would be a quick registry office wedding with parents and siblings only

Not this with fancy meal after.

They want friends over you. They don't care if their siblings are upset.

Husband should just not attend the meal and not really be best man. A tick the box wedding doesn't need a best man.

RosaBonheur · 01/04/2023 19:50

YANBU, OP.

And for all the PPs going on about the size of the room, if your brother/best man's wife doesn't make it into your top 16, you go for a room which can fit more than 16 people in it!

ImustLearn2Cook · 02/04/2023 00:18

Knowing that all the siblings are being treated the same and their spouses or partners are not invited, why are you so upset?

You are not being singled out and excluded.

And honestly it’s their wedding and they really should be able to invite whoever they want.

16 guests is really not a lot and I get why they are not including spouses/partners, plus ones.

RosaBonheur · 02/04/2023 01:30

16 guests is really not a lot and I get why they are not including spouses/partners, plus ones.

Because they're rude dickheads? Nobody is forcing them to limit their wedding to 16 people as if there were still Covid restrictions.

UnRavellingFast · 02/04/2023 01:39

Oof. Not sure if you have this in perspective bc of shock. You and you dh are being massively disrespected. If your dh goes….. what kind of husband is he? Deeply shocking to read.

PaperwhiteTheGhost · 02/04/2023 01:52

RosaBonheur · 02/04/2023 01:30

16 guests is really not a lot and I get why they are not including spouses/partners, plus ones.

Because they're rude dickheads? Nobody is forcing them to limit their wedding to 16 people as if there were still Covid restrictions.

Rooms have a max capacity though, for fire safety. This one is 16 plus bride, groom and registrar.

They clearly want a teeny wedding, they're treating all siblings the same, they aren't even that fussed about getting married. A bigger room with more guests would cost more and its not what they want!

If it was only the OP being excluded I'd understand but it isn't. People get very funny about weddings, but its ultimately up to the couple what they do.

magicthree · 02/04/2023 02:16

OrigamiOwls · 01/04/2023 11:20

Normally I'm in the it's their wedding, their choice camp - but I would be upset about this.
They've just shown you how little you mean to them, feel free to treat them accordingly in the future.

I was about to write exactly this. I would be staying well away from them after this, in fact I would be going no contact, and I wouldn't be going out of my way for MIL either if she is okay with this. What a horrible, nasty pair.
I would hope that my DH would take my side in this and not attend either

magicthree · 02/04/2023 02:25

I've just read more of this thread - so they are inviting cousins but not the spouses of siblings??? It gets worse. If they are so into it not really being a proper wedding then they should go off with just parent/s or a couple of witnesses. Even if they did not invite you to the wedding you should have been invited to the meal afterwards. There really are some very strange people in this world Confused If that had happened when I was still married my DH would have told them where to stick their wedding.

user1492757084 · 02/04/2023 03:12

Terrible. Your husband is the one they truly offended.
They should have invited his spouse no matter who she was.

I hope that your husband tells his brother that he is insulted beyond measure and that he will not be attending the celebration afterwards. Your husband should also indicate that, in future, consider him out if you are not also invited.
This kind of nasty treatment has to be nipped in the bud.

I imagine it is just that the new SIL has never been taught proper manners and is truly ignorant of behaving nicely.
Try not to take it personally. Though your husband has to say that it hurt him and you at a very personal level.
It's his call but it is not unreasonable for you to be upset.

WitheredandOld · 02/04/2023 03:50

Ok having read your further responses I’ve changed my mind. Her siblings spouses aren’t invited either, so no in laws. It’s not personal and I’d not be upset. 16 is a very small number.

snitzelvoncrumb · 02/04/2023 04:21

I wouldn’t worry, it’s probably not personal if others haven’t been invited. At least you know who to leave off a guest list if you are ever in a similar situation.

blebbleb · 02/04/2023 04:32

At first I was in the camp where they were being really unfair, but it looks like partners aren't invited anyway so it's not personal. Doesn't sound like it would be much fun anyway so they're doing you a favour.

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