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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect an invitation

163 replies

WannabeFamily · 01/04/2023 10:52

I am new to Mumsnet but my colleague showed me a thread so I want everybody’s opinion about this.

Unlike my sister I have an excellent relationship with my in-laws. I definitely have disappointments though primarily with the relationship with my (husband’s) sister-in-law but rationally it’s just I have expectations about what that relationship should be which she clearly doesn’t share. She didn’t come to my hen weekend and neither of them had shown interest in my son but obviously they don’t have to.

MiL had a cancer diagnosis, it was caught early and she was given the all clear but weeks later FiL died suddenly. Absolutely awful. It’s an odd thing to say but in the months following MiL’s diagnosis and treatment we were close to BiLand SiL all pulling together.

DH sees BiL all the time and when we both see them all is well , they are excellent company.

A few months ago BiL told Dh that he wanted to accompany SiL to the US for 2 years for her job but didn’t want to land DH in it with supporting MiL. DH was totally supportive.

A few months pass and another dinner between DH and brother but SiL there as well but I wasn’t included. They were going to get married to make things easier. They planned to come back to the Uk in about 18 months and DH was not to tell MiL about wedding plans until it was all in motion.

So now… DH is best man and is going to hotel night before etc. He asked BiL details of timings etc to tell me. I am not invited!

It’s a small wedding in a room that can accommodate 16 guests. Parents, two surviving grandparents, siblings, cousins and close friends.

I am completely devastated.

DH is shocked. He had no idea about the plans. Both BiL and SiL have said they’re sorry that I am disappointed but it’s a small ceremony to tie up loose ends. It’s not a celebration but they are going to a good hotel after for lunch which I am not invited to either!
Am I being unreasonable? I am upset and angry and insulted.

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 01/04/2023 12:16

Nimbostratus100 · 01/04/2023 11:39

I disagree with the majority here - they only have 16 guests, I would not expect to be in any BIL/SILs list of 16 closest people

Ceremony, yes, but the lunch? No.

Aprilx · 01/04/2023 12:17

rogueone · 01/04/2023 12:14

Given your OP you clearly are judgy of both BIL and SIL and they don’t like you. Simple as that- they are having a very small wedding and want people they like there. Your DH clearly knows the situation about your relationship hence him still going. Perhaps reflect on why you haven’t been invited and think about how to rebuild the relationship starting with not being so judgemental of others choices or behaviours

After reading this comment, I went to re read OP’s first post as I didn’t get that at all. And indeed I still cannot see anything judgemental towards the BIL and SIL from OP.

TakeMe2Insanity · 01/04/2023 12:18

Gosh that’s harsh. Unfortunately it sets the tone of how the relationship will be in the future.

Dotcheck · 01/04/2023 12:18

@rogueone

Er, perhaps the OP was affected by the situation ie not being invited to a family celebration….

Ridiculous thing to say

strawberryandcreams · 01/04/2023 12:19

Nope sorry. You want a wedding and you love your brother enough to make him best man- then you need to respect him enough to invite his wife. This is inexcusable in my eyes.

Sorry OP, that's really shitty.

16 people is fine to accommodate OP too- or even invite her to the lunch afterwards.

BadNomad · 01/04/2023 12:21

Perhaps reflect on why you haven’t been invited and think about how to rebuild the relationship starting with not being so judgemental of others choices or behaviours

Nah. They're cheeky fuckers. The groom knows that while he's off on the other side of the world with his wife, it will be OP and DH who will be supporting his DM. Yet they don't even have the decency to invite her to the meal after the wedding.

BlackFriday · 01/04/2023 12:25

Im often quite taken aback reading on MN to see quite how socially inept so many people are.
In this case, the bil and sil, but also all those who think it's acceptable not to invite the groom's brother and best man's wife!

YouOKHun · 01/04/2023 12:31

Like others I’m usually of the opinion people can have the wedding they want but this seems really out of order and I think I’d be hurt in OP’s position.

@WannabeFamily do any of the cousins, siblings and close friends who are invited also have partners who are invited? If not I’d feel slightly better about it but I still think it’s wrong to exclude a sibling’s long term spouse/partner.

Tink1990 · 01/04/2023 12:33

It's the meal part for me. I think out of solidarity, your husband should bow out of that part. The ceremony, fair enough, bit mean but if only 16 guests are allowed I would let it go. Not the meal afterwards.

HesterLee · 01/04/2023 12:36

8 people each is a tiny number. If I could only invite 8 people to my wedding, I would struggle. I have my 6 closest friends, dad, sister, BiL, neice, nephew and aunt as a minimum. If I wasn't close to my DH's brothers wife then I wouldn't drop any of my friends/family for her.
However, I would absolutely make sure she was invited to the meal afterwards.

Bintymcbintface · 01/04/2023 12:39

YABU to expect an invite, nobody is entitled to an invitation. I also think it's unreasonable to tell DH not to go, it's his brother's wedding and he's best man. It's a tiny get it over with marriage, it's not like there are dozens of attendees and you've been left off a massive list

Goneblank38 · 01/04/2023 12:39

I'm so sorry op, I'd be really hurt too. I hope your husband tells them to shove it.

Timeforachangeisitnot · 01/04/2023 12:47

Like PP, I understand the ceremony part if it’s a small room, but would expect an invite to the lunch.
Especially as, one way or another, you will be sharing the ‘ load’ of looking after your MIL, whom you care about, while BIL enjoys a break - work related or not, it is quite liberating to not be first call when an elder needs help.
I do hope your DH calls him out on this. It would certainly colour any future relationship with my BIL if this happened to me.

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 01/04/2023 12:47

The ceremony is almost excusable, the lunch absolutely not. What has your DH said?

WandaWonder · 01/04/2023 12:49

I am the queen (well former queen) I don't expect an invite to anything

And I don't demand dh does or doesn't do anything

Tryphenia · 01/04/2023 12:50

BlackFriday · 01/04/2023 12:25

Im often quite taken aback reading on MN to see quite how socially inept so many people are.
In this case, the bil and sil, but also all those who think it's acceptable not to invite the groom's brother and best man's wife!

I agree about social ineptness being rife on Mn, but what strikes me is how aggressively contentious so many of these people are, all ready to get up in arms about how they would ‘expect’ their DH not to go to a wedding to which they were not invited, and flouncing about how their marriage is being ‘disrespected’, it’s a ‘power game’, it’s ‘inexcusable’ etc.

I can see why the OP is hurt, obviously, but reading these posts, I’m not surprised so many Mners describe themselves as lonely, and don’t have good relationships with family, or that a few fellow-parents chatting on the school run is a ‘clique’ run by ‘Queen Bees’ and ‘alpha mums’. They seem to exist on a permanent knife edge of potential outrage.

WandaWonder · 01/04/2023 12:51

WandaWonder · 01/04/2023 12:49

I am the queen (well former queen) I don't expect an invite to anything

And I don't demand dh does or doesn't do anything

Meant to say not the queen

Bintymcbintface · 01/04/2023 12:52

WandaWonder · 01/04/2023 12:49

I am the queen (well former queen) I don't expect an invite to anything

And I don't demand dh does or doesn't do anything

It's bat shit to me how anyone can think that they have the right to demand anyone does or doesn't do anything

Tryphenia · 01/04/2023 12:54

WandaWonder · 01/04/2023 12:51

Meant to say not the queen

Show quote history

I was slightly wondering whether you were the disembodied spirit of Eliz II complaining about not getting invited to anything any more because of the whole being dead bit.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 01/04/2023 12:55

It sounds like you don’t really get on that well with either of them and with only 26 guests, so 8 from either side, they’re obviously only wanting to invite very close friends and family. If they were having a big wedding you would not be unreasonable but 16 guests is really very small, if you’re not close it’s understandable they wouldn’t want you taking up a space they could give to someone closer just on the basis of your marriage to your DH.

Nanny0gg · 01/04/2023 12:56

They don't have the right.

But the BiL and SiL are being awful and I would expect the DH (certainly my DH) to say to his brother that whilst he doesn't have to do anything, I can't stand by while you treat my wife so badly so I'm sorry, I can't come. And how would his brother feel about his wife being treated the same way?

piedbeauty · 01/04/2023 12:59

That's awful. If they had 16 close people they wanted to invite to the actual wedding, ok, but why aren't you invited to the lunch afterwards?? Have they explained that?

They clearly don't like you. Sorry.

If they cared about keeping relations on an even keel they would have explained things to you and apologised/checked if you were ok. The way they have done it shows that they just don't care. I'm not surprised you're hurt.

What if your h planning on doing?

BlackFriday · 01/04/2023 13:00

It's not about having the right to demand others do or don't do anything.
But actions have consequences. If this happened in my family (which it wouldn't, because we're nice people) the natural consequence would be that the husband would not go either. The groom would have to find someone else to be best man.
And if he would be very upset by that? Well, as I said, actions have consequences.

piedbeauty · 01/04/2023 13:00

Timeforachangeisitnot · 01/04/2023 12:47

Like PP, I understand the ceremony part if it’s a small room, but would expect an invite to the lunch.
Especially as, one way or another, you will be sharing the ‘ load’ of looking after your MIL, whom you care about, while BIL enjoys a break - work related or not, it is quite liberating to not be first call when an elder needs help.
I do hope your DH calls him out on this. It would certainly colour any future relationship with my BIL if this happened to me.

Agree.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 01/04/2023 13:04

ZekeZeke · 01/04/2023 12:02

You are being excluded intentionally.

Cousins! Cousins are being invited but the grooms own brothers wife isn't. I would be fuming too.
Not a hope my DH would attend without me, not a bloody hope.

Why are you saying “Cousins!” as if cousins are the same as neighbours or casual work colleagues? I grew up with my cousins. We have shared memories of my grandparents that no one else has. My BIL just doesn’t mean as much to me. We get on perfectly well, but our only real connection is that his wife and my sister happen to be the same woman. He wouldn’t make my top eight people (which is what the reality is if you split the guests equally between bride and groom).

When you say there’s “Not a hope” your husband would attend without you, would that be his decision or yours?