Being woken at 5am in a sexless marriage

[5ammadness]

My DH regularly falls asleep on the sofa after he's been drinking. It's not every night, or even every week, but last night was the 3rd time this week. He wakes up around 4am-5am, and then comes to bed, waking me up in the process.

I have to be up for work at 6.30am, usually 7 days a week (self employed). I have asked him not to do this. In the past he has promised to sleep in the spare room if it is past 1am, but he seems to have forgotten this.

Sometimes I can fall straight back to sleep, but sometimes I can't, and I lie awake until my alarm goes off at 6.30am. I am tired. Very tired.

Our other major problem, is that we don't have enough sex. This is his choice, not mine. The last time we had sex was in January. He knows this bothers me greatly, and would like to fix it.

However, last night, he came to bed at 515am again - and in an effort to be closer to me, he spooned me, which would be lovely, except

A) it woke me up and
B) it made me aroused as we were both naked, which meant that I was wide awake and incredibly frustrated.

Part of me was hoping that the closeness might turn him on too, but he just fell to sleep. So we are lying there, him asleep and me WIDE awake and very sexually frustrated, and I lost my cool. Can't remember exactly what I said, but I made it clear that this wasn't fair on me.

All he kept saying is "IT IS 5.30AM, I'M NOT TAKING ABOUT THIS NOW" - he repeated this about 20 times before storming off in to the spare room, where he is still asleep, and will remain so until he decides to get up, whereas I am up for work as usual.

AIBU here? I just want a normal sex life and to be able to sleep until 6.30am. I don't feel like I am asking for the moon on a stick here. I am so sad about it all.

Thanks for reading.

No, you are rather out of your depth aren't you?

One of you needs to move permanently into the spare room. Or move out altogether.

Are you referring to the OP?
Or one of the commenters? 😏

There's no point in engaging with that poster. There's such complete and utter denial about the extent of the alcohol problem.

@Humanbiology I totally agree. It just seems to not be a widely known thing in society that many many men have low sex drives, it's always pushed that they are all like dogs on heat. But it's not like that and it should be more seen as a normal thing. I think it makes women feel shitter as she must think there's something wrong with her whereas the reasons can be the same for both sexes. Hormones, stressed, just not bothered about it.

I hope you're less dishonest in your personal life.

Not sure if this was addressed to me or the OP. How do you know whether I’m even in
a relationship, let alone one with “deep seated problems”? I have posted literally nothing about my relationship.

I do think that whatever the root cause of the problem in this relationship is, it’s not being helped by heavy drinking. Let’s just hope some of this at least is useful to OP.

At last!
A voice of reason.
The vast majority of people commenting are focusing on symptoms.
Whilst some of the symptoms described may be exacerbating the situation,
we do not know what the causes are, of the symptoms described by the OP.
The OP does not know, because her OH isn't telling.
Hence the need for professional help.
To uncover what is causing the behaviours described here.
Behaviours by the OP that she admits or implies are less than desirable.
As well as those behaviours by her OH, that are not welcome.

The focus needs to be on causes and none of us commenting know what those are!

Haven't read all, has it been suggested that his mental health has declined hence low sex drive and drinking to avoid his life, he may be still keeping up appearances with everything else like work etc to try to hide it? Or he is selfish in certain parts of his life, hope you get to the bottom of it.

OP has zero obligation to stay in a sexless relationship, or any relationship, that makes them unhappy.

I however have zero right to tell a random stranger to up and leave their marriage based on a few paragraphs they have written of an isolated incident. It is entirely up to the OP to make that decision for themselves - it is up to them to decide if their marriage is worth working on or not.

Also doesn’t change the actual point in my post - switch the genders in this scenario and the vast majority would respond differently.

The passing out is due to the drink. He wakes at 5am and then comes up to bed. We don't argue a lot. This is our only argument really. Everything else is great, if only we could fix this!

Sorry @5ammadness but I think you are really minimising this. It is not normal for someone to drink so much they pass out on a regular basis.

You talk as if your marriage is brilliant there is a just a little blip. Like someone might say "DH is great he just drives me mad that he doesn't put his clothes away".

You sound completely in denial. This is not a great marriage with one isolated difficulty. Your husband is an alcoholic and has serious psychological and emotional difficulties if he has to drink and pass out so regularly.

Wish you the best as it is not easy to have to know things we really don't want to know but I speak from experience - in the long run it is better to face things even if very difficult, than to deny them.

I don’t think I’d be aroused by spooned by a naked alcoholic at 5am.

I read it as the OP actually working seven days a week.

Not what she was saying.

@DotAndCarryOne2 yeah I thought that also. Forgot to put it in my post.

That was her logic, yes.

I’ve read the whole thread. It could be any of the things you’ve listed. But her DH binge drinks and the OP has admitted she drinks too much, so whatever the underlying cause, it’s the alcohol that’s having the biggest effect on the marriage because they’re both abusing it to avoid discussing what the real problem is.

Arguably, @Plbrookes , the problem is being caused by the OP's dh's unwillingness to tackle the issue, whatever its causes. The OP can't solve his alcohol problems, intimacy issues or whatever else might be wrong. He has to want to.

@DotAndCarryOne2

I’ve read the whole thread. It could be any of the things you’ve listed. But her DH binge drinks and the OP has admitted she drinks too much, so whatever the underlying cause, it’s the alcohol that’s having the biggest effect on the marriage because they’re both abusing it to avoid discussing what the real problem is.

This. But also regardless of what the underlying problem is in the relationship, binge drinking (by one or both of them) sure as hell isn't helping it.

OK, so you have evidence that they are using alcohol to avoid discussing what the real problem is? Or you just think that?

Yes, that is absolutely arguable! It's also arguable that the problem is caused by OP's demands for sex that her husband is not comfortable with. It's also arguable that the problem is ultimately that OP snores and that treatment for sleep apnoea would resolve the issue. But OP's husband can't solve that last problem. OP has to want to.

Seems fairly evident to me, yes. There’s a sexual compatibility issue, so a start would be finding out which caused what.

I can’t find any reference to either snoring or sleep apnoea in any of the OPs posts. And if he’s not comfortable with the OP’s ‘demands’ for sex, then he should be willing to at least discuss them. Getting so drunk you pass out on the couch isn’t a solution. And neither is getting naked, spooning her and then going to sleep after getting her aroused is it ? That’s just rubbing salt into the wound.

You won't find any reference to the OP's husband having sexual problems because of drink either but people seem very happy to state that as a fact. And he has discussed the issues around sex in the relationship. He just didn't want to do it at 5:30am when his wife was losing her temper with him for not providing sex when SHE wanted it.