Being woken at 5am in a sexless marriage

[5ammadness]

My DH regularly falls asleep on the sofa after he's been drinking. It's not every night, or even every week, but last night was the 3rd time this week. He wakes up around 4am-5am, and then comes to bed, waking me up in the process.

I have to be up for work at 6.30am, usually 7 days a week (self employed). I have asked him not to do this. In the past he has promised to sleep in the spare room if it is past 1am, but he seems to have forgotten this.

Sometimes I can fall straight back to sleep, but sometimes I can't, and I lie awake until my alarm goes off at 6.30am. I am tired. Very tired.

Our other major problem, is that we don't have enough sex. This is his choice, not mine. The last time we had sex was in January. He knows this bothers me greatly, and would like to fix it.

However, last night, he came to bed at 515am again - and in an effort to be closer to me, he spooned me, which would be lovely, except

A) it woke me up and
B) it made me aroused as we were both naked, which meant that I was wide awake and incredibly frustrated.

Part of me was hoping that the closeness might turn him on too, but he just fell to sleep. So we are lying there, him asleep and me WIDE awake and very sexually frustrated, and I lost my cool. Can't remember exactly what I said, but I made it clear that this wasn't fair on me.

All he kept saying is "IT IS 5.30AM, I'M NOT TAKING ABOUT THIS NOW" - he repeated this about 20 times before storming off in to the spare room, where he is still asleep, and will remain so until he decides to get up, whereas I am up for work as usual.

AIBU here? I just want a normal sex life and to be able to sleep until 6.30am. I don't feel like I am asking for the moon on a stick here. I am so sad about it all.

Thanks for reading.

He should move to the spare room permanently.

So he doesn't have to sleep on the sofa / wake you up.

And it will give you some space to sleep well while you're going through big Qs about your marriage.

There are loads of these sexless marriage threads. There are two choices. Stay in a sexless marriage. Leave and look for a new partner. Well, I suppose the third is stay and have an affair, but, even leaving aside ethical issues, that does not really resolve the underlying problem. It just applies a temporary balm. So I wouldn’t recommend that.

LOL. We watched MAFS and the sex pest lady made me cringe. I am nothing like that. I used to approach him for sex (in a normal way), but after a lot of rejection, where he would physically remove my hands from his chest and push me away, I withdrew entirely a few years ago.

Sex is now ONLY on his terms. I never ever approach him now. So I have no autonomy over my own sex life. I am celibate through no choice of my own. I have raised the subject of me having sex outside of the marriage (which I don't want), and he has said he's not happy with that, so here we are. He's fine, I feel like my sex life is being held hostage.

Typically, I keep quiet, but I find that at around the 8 week mark (of no sex), I start to feel acutely sad and a bit bad tempered, and this is when I ask for a chat, and say we have to do something, I can't live like this. He then promises to change, but doesn't.

Are you saying that if you hadn't had sex in 10 weeks (where we are now), that your naked husband spooning you wouldn't turn you on? Because I feel like I am being teased.

I see your only answering posts that lay the blame at his door.

You need to take a hard look at yourself first op. Self reflection can be difficult because we often don't like what we see. But it is necessary to grow as a person and truly evaluate a situation fairly.

Some questions to consider

• how have I contributed to this scenario?
• how would my words and behaviour make me feel if it was reversed?
• how do I need to change to make the situation better?
• what do I like about me and my life?
• what do I not like about me and my life?
• what do I want to do about it (if anything)

Only then can you look at what you need or want from your husband.

I would then recommend marriage counceling.

Just because your DH doesn't drink as much as your dad, doesn't mean he's not also an alcoholic.

Drinking until you pass out isn't normal.

I suspect it's a bit of a cycle - he drinks too much so if impairs his ability to have sex. He's embarrassed about it so drinks to forget about it and to avoid coming to bed, which makes it even worse.

I think you're in denial about how much of an impact his drinking is having - maybe because you say you also drink too much? Is that something you'd be willing to address?

Sounds like a mess all round really.

Sorry, the H is an alcoholic who passes out with drink several times a week and you are telling OP to ask how she has contributed to the problem?!?
That is repellant victim blaming of the first order.

This.

Make it absolutely clear. You need your sleep and until he stops drinking and changes his ways, you will sleep in the spare room. Also make it clear that his behaviour makes you feel unloved and unwanted.

He is an alcoholic, just because he's not as bad as other alcoholics you know doesn't mean he isn't an alcoholic. People who frequently pass out through drinking are alcoholics. It's literally the definition of an alcoholic.

Everything else is probably caused by the fact that he's an alcoholic. Wake up!

DH and I haven't had sex since January either OP. The difference is that we work harder on our emotional connection rather than physical and we understand the reasons why.

I have had a tough couple of months hormonally which screws with my libido and been unwell with various things on and off.

He is busy with work and tired, doesn't sleep well and suffers with depression which is acute right now as amplified by work stress.

The big key thing here is that we talk to each other and sex never comes in to the conversation. I make sure to keep the physical intimacy in other ways and he reciprocates, cuddle on the sofa, holding hands on a walk, tell him I love him all that good stuff.

Because on balance he matters more to me than a shag.

Notice how falling asleep after drinking has been transformed into 'drinking until you pass out' by certain posters ...

For me, the biggest issue would be the lack of sleep. So I would say to him that on nights where he falls asleep on the sofa, he has to sleep in the spare bed. He wakes you up climbing into bed and you can’t function at work without sleep.
I feel like this will help with your frustration, at the moment the sheer sight of him is making you angry by the sounds of it.
The second issue, well, your compromise is once a week, I expect his is A LOT higher. Sounds like you need to talk to one another. You do sound a bit like that woman on MAFS though, likely because she was edited to look bad if you know what I mean. We only saw a snippet out of their entire day, bit like reading this thread. We have only heard your version, right? So there’s probably more going on than meets the eye, it sounds like your husband is trying to avoid you in bed because he knows you have certain expectations.
Talk to each other, but make sure you’re calm when you do it.

Yes, because a marriage is made of two halves.

The op has not said her husband is abusive. He has a problem and potentially needs help. Self reflection is key in the op understanding what she wants her part to be in that.

Victim blaming my arse. Not everything is a high level drama for your delectation you know.

What excuses does he give when you talk to him about the lack of sex? What’s his side of the story? Have you previously had a healthy regular sex life or is this something that has changed over time?

Everyone calling the OP's husband an alcoholic seems not to have read the very first two lines of her post: "My DH regularly falls asleep on the sofa after he's been drinking. It's not every night, or even every week, but last night was the 3rd time this week."

So it's happened three times this week, fair enough, pretty bad. But some weeks it doesn't happen at all. She also says she drinks "far too much" herself. How is pointing this out 'victim blaming' @Justnotcricketing ?

I say this kindly, I think as you grew up with an alcoholic who was notably worse in many ways you don't see him drinking regularly until he passes out as odd or an issue; it is. Its not normal. That would be very off putting for me not only because I also grew up with an addict and have little tolerance for actively inviting that into my home and my life, but because of the effect it is having on you.

The sex is a separate issue although probably linked, alcoholics often have issues with their libido and ability to perform. It sounds like you've talked about it and although its understandably frustrating you can't and shouldn't force him, you're just sexuallg incompatible.

It sounds like you deserve better, he's unlikely to change and you'll be spending these years frustrated and miserable when you could be open to finding someone on the same page as you.

OP said herself that he passes out from drink.

It's in her post at around 8:39.

not sure about the sex aspect, but in your shoes on the days when he was asleep on the sofa when i went to bed I'd pick a bedroom and lock the door so he can't come in.

You don't need to drink daily to be an alcoholic.

Plbrookes, well if you're falling asleep on a sofa after drinking, it is akin to passing out, I've literally never fallen asleep on a sofa after drinking, I go to bed

Hardly the same when you don't actually want to have sex send the op does is it now.

Both halves need to co-operate for a marriage to work, but just one half can single handedly destroy the marriage.

He has a drink problem. She talks about lack of intimacy and he does nothing to meet her to fix it. Yeah, he’s the problem. And telling her she needs to waste more of her life banging her head uselessly against a wall trying to ‘fix’ an alcoholic with no interest in sex is victim blaming.

I repeat, both sides need to co-operate to make a marriage work and if one side won’t, the other needs to walk away.

Yes it is, because at various times over that period one or the other of us has wanted sex.

How we communicate and deal with that is different. That's what I'm getting at.

You don't have to do it every night to be an alcoholic. Doing it at all is pretty bad. This guy is doing it several times a week and the OP by her own admission drinks "far too much".

You don't have to be drinking a bottle of vodka at 10am to be an alcoholic. An alcoholic is anyone whose drinking is problematic for them or their families. Which is pretty much exactly what's happening here.

It sounds like you both have issues with alcohol to be honest. It seems to play a big part in both of your lives.

Sex has always gone up and down in my long term relationship. We have periods of having it weekly and at other times less frequently. It is usually indicative of how we're both feeling; stress, sadness etc. It's not because one person doesn't want the other to have it.

To me, it sounds like your partner is sad. His sex drive has diminished and he's drinking enough to pass out fairly frequently. Does he feel he's struggling emotionally?

I think you could do with some counselling OP. Your parents set a bad example for alcohol and you and your husband appear to also have issues now. For everyone's sakes I think alcoholic needs to play a smaller part in your household. Then, you can address the sex (which may improve if you're both happier).

I do find it strange that he didn't get turned on by spooning you naked. Not even a semi awake hard on. Again, I think the drink is affecting his body.

No it's not! Passing out would be if the amount of alcohol you've had meant you lost consciousness. Someone could have a few drinks and decide to sleep on the sofa. That's not passing out. You might not have done it but you are not the only person in the world.