Being woken at 5am in a sexless marriage

[5ammadness]

My DH regularly falls asleep on the sofa after he's been drinking. It's not every night, or even every week, but last night was the 3rd time this week. He wakes up around 4am-5am, and then comes to bed, waking me up in the process.

I have to be up for work at 6.30am, usually 7 days a week (self employed). I have asked him not to do this. In the past he has promised to sleep in the spare room if it is past 1am, but he seems to have forgotten this.

Sometimes I can fall straight back to sleep, but sometimes I can't, and I lie awake until my alarm goes off at 6.30am. I am tired. Very tired.

Our other major problem, is that we don't have enough sex. This is his choice, not mine. The last time we had sex was in January. He knows this bothers me greatly, and would like to fix it.

However, last night, he came to bed at 515am again - and in an effort to be closer to me, he spooned me, which would be lovely, except

A) it woke me up and
B) it made me aroused as we were both naked, which meant that I was wide awake and incredibly frustrated.

Part of me was hoping that the closeness might turn him on too, but he just fell to sleep. So we are lying there, him asleep and me WIDE awake and very sexually frustrated, and I lost my cool. Can't remember exactly what I said, but I made it clear that this wasn't fair on me.

All he kept saying is "IT IS 5.30AM, I'M NOT TAKING ABOUT THIS NOW" - he repeated this about 20 times before storming off in to the spare room, where he is still asleep, and will remain so until he decides to get up, whereas I am up for work as usual.

AIBU here? I just want a normal sex life and to be able to sleep until 6.30am. I don't feel like I am asking for the moon on a stick here. I am so sad about it all.

Thanks for reading.

Agreed. He might also be a functioning alcoholic so he might need even more help as it might seem that he’s ok when he’s not. He also sounds incredibly inconsiderate to barge in like that knowing full well the OP has to go work nearly so I would have thought that it would‘ve been a turn off than a turn on.

@5ammadness OP, you need to speak to your DH when he’s sober and if he shuts you down than you have even bigger problems and you need to consider if you’re willing to live like this.

There is a very nice analogy about consent and cups of tea complete with pictures - you may find it helpful!

The OP husband did not consent to sex. Even if spooning somehow meant he initially consented and then he changed his mind that is also ok.

And I am frankly bewildered as to how him getting into bed and cuddling up = sex or even quite frankly how spooning = foreplay.

They haven’t had sex for months. He knows this is a problem for the OP. Still comes to bed and spoons her - naked. Then falls asleep. Not sure how you don’t view this as a problem.

Did you used to have more sex more regularly and it has dwindled? What is his explanation?

This is a difficult read with the bizarre, defensive derailment about alcohol not being a problem. Going only on the evidence, OP says he falls asleep and doesn’t come to bed until 5am on the nights he drinks. It doesn’t mean that’s a causal link, but it’s at least correlative.

I think the first issue is your disrupted sleep, OP. That needs to stop straight away. He comes to bed at a reasonable time with you or you sleep separately all night. I think the idea of decorating the spare room just for you is a nice idea. I hate that it’s necessary, but as you’ve spoken about this before and he just forgets there’s no point trying to get him to sleep elsewhere.

I think it’s reasonable to offer an ultimatum for the sex issue considering how much it’s affecting your own self worth and happiness. However I don’t think saying sex once a week is the right approach - more along the lines of ‘we have counselling and if it doesn’t help then the relationship is over’.

Him getting into bed and spooning naked was a bit crappy. For all the ‘reversal’ posts, I’ve gone through periods where sex has been off the table for a prolonged periods (post rape and postpartum- not at the same time) and I haven’t stripped off and fondled DP. That would have been a shitty thing to do.

On the flip side, lack of sex drive can be for a number of reasons and I think you need to get to the bottom of it. On the face of it, it sounds alcohol related but that could be another symptom of an underlying issue. I think you need to impress that whilst you can understand he might not be willing to have sex for some reason, you do need to understand and he has to open up. If not, there’s not much point to continuing in this relationship for you without that intimacy and openness.

Nothing sex pesty about that at all. I completely understand why you were upset and angry.

Another dishonest poster. What a shame.

Yes, that is absolutely arguable! It's also arguable that the problem is caused by OP's demands for sex that her husband is not comfortable with. It's also arguable that the problem is ultimately that OP snores and that treatment for sleep apnoea would resolve the issue. But OP's husband can't solve that last problem. OP has to want to.

Except that my point about the OP's dh not being willing to tackle issues is based on things the OP actually said in her posts. Unlike your snoring and sleep apnoea fantasy. And yet you are the one accusing other posters of being dishonest. Disagreeing with you is not the same as being dishonest. Hth.

Not sure if you've said if you've really talked about this sex thing with him but I'd want to say that as much as you love him, his lack of action means you retreat, it means you have to take your sexual side away from him for emotional self preservation. So because all those feelings are wound together with your love for him this means your love for him is effected without any actual intention on your part - it's the natural fall-out. A poster upthread - allatsea? said good stuff about counselling. Your man is blotting something out with the drink but bringing horses to water and all that.... Maybe he needs more fear of what he'll lose.

I never said OP had sleep apnoea. I said it was one out of many possible explanations for her partner not wanting to come to bed. In contrast to the posters who have made up the 'fact' that her partner has sexual problems caused by drink. I wonder why so many posters have misrepresented what I've said in this thread? I wonder if, possibly, it's because they know they're in the wrong and being dishonest is the only way they have to avoid admitting it.

No one here knows, based on a few posts, how much alcohol informs any of the behaviours here, so I'd park that, OP can consider that.
However, obviously OP your desires/needs aren't being met, and he is being incredibly inconsiderate waking you at 5am quite often (to put it mildly) AND you've raised it but nothing changes.

I don't think OP answered if they were compatible sexually before but things have changed? Anyway fair enough you're pissed off. But if he's not going to change libido-wise, or even appreciate the impact it has on you, then regardless of what causes that, I'd really consider your future as a couple.

I think you both need relate to talk & fully understand eachothers issues & needs. He needs not to feel to blame but does need to be honest. Is it psychosexual, long term prob or a recent change, ED etc. Same for you. When were your libidos aligned if ever. Work on intimacy & caring for each other physically. If he used to be different then it should be easier to fix.

Because falling asleep after having a drink is NOT the same as passing out drunk. There is a massive difference between the two. Ops first post says it doesn't happen every night, or even every week, but people are ignoring this and banging on about her dh 'passing out regularly through drink' if it not even every week then it's not regular. It's occasional. This week he's fallen asleep downstairs three times. That's not usual and not regular for them, and too many are using this irregular occurance as being the norm when it blatantly isn't.

How is that foreplay? He passed out drunk - woke up at 5 am when presumably the central heating had gone off. That's not foreplay. It's being bloody cold at 5 am and trying to warm up

It's exactly the same when it's a patten. He is an alcoholic.

And the pattern is 'random occurence'. So, if you've ever had a nap on the settee on an evening when you've had a glass of wine - congratulations, you qualify as an alcoholic!

What’s dishonest? Do you not know what correlative means?

How do you know what the temperature of OP's home was or that her DH was cold?

I do, yes. Do you? I know what 'defensive' means too, and that's yet another word that I wouldn't use dishonestly.

What is dishonest in my post then?

That you’ve applied the first sentence to you without me quoting anything you said seems like you recognise yourself in it. Why’s that?

Actually forget it. I’m not getting involved in the derailment any longer than I already have.

OP, I hope you’ve had a chance to talk to your husband now.

This thread has become ridiculous

Honestly imagine the responses if you swapped the genders here and had “me 30F cuddled into my husband last night and woke him up, he immediately wanted sex but I was tired so he screamed at me and stormed off”

@Shz you're forgetting that her DH didn't just spoon her naked, he cupped her breast, an erogenous zone, despite knowing she was sexually frustrated. They had discussed this issue multiple times, he'd promised to look into it but nothing changed. Now IMHO it is unfair to touch an erogenous zone of a sexually frustrated partner then reject them sexually, and yes I know it all boils down to consent

Seems that you're projecting your own problems with alcohol on to other people.

I don't think this poster knows the meaning of "dishonest" or "defensive"