Being woken at 5am in a sexless marriage

[5ammadness]

My DH regularly falls asleep on the sofa after he's been drinking. It's not every night, or even every week, but last night was the 3rd time this week. He wakes up around 4am-5am, and then comes to bed, waking me up in the process.

I have to be up for work at 6.30am, usually 7 days a week (self employed). I have asked him not to do this. In the past he has promised to sleep in the spare room if it is past 1am, but he seems to have forgotten this.

Sometimes I can fall straight back to sleep, but sometimes I can't, and I lie awake until my alarm goes off at 6.30am. I am tired. Very tired.

Our other major problem, is that we don't have enough sex. This is his choice, not mine. The last time we had sex was in January. He knows this bothers me greatly, and would like to fix it.

However, last night, he came to bed at 515am again - and in an effort to be closer to me, he spooned me, which would be lovely, except

A) it woke me up and
B) it made me aroused as we were both naked, which meant that I was wide awake and incredibly frustrated.

Part of me was hoping that the closeness might turn him on too, but he just fell to sleep. So we are lying there, him asleep and me WIDE awake and very sexually frustrated, and I lost my cool. Can't remember exactly what I said, but I made it clear that this wasn't fair on me.

All he kept saying is "IT IS 5.30AM, I'M NOT TAKING ABOUT THIS NOW" - he repeated this about 20 times before storming off in to the spare room, where he is still asleep, and will remain so until he decides to get up, whereas I am up for work as usual.

AIBU here? I just want a normal sex life and to be able to sleep until 6.30am. I don't feel like I am asking for the moon on a stick here. I am so sad about it all.

Thanks for reading.

Id be putting a lock on the bedroom door if he can't respect you

No it's not pointless! IF alcohol is causing a problem then dealing with the alcohol will help deal with the problem. If alcohol is NOT the cause of the problem (eg if the husband stays up to avoid intimacy and has a few drinks while doing so) then getting all dramatic about alcohol dependency won't help at all.

You have made all that up, so it doesn't really qualify as evidence sorry.

Don't move into the spare room yourself, every time he comes up after 1am make a fuss until he goes to the spare room - sadly it's the only way he'll learn.

Has he always had this little interest in sex? Or is it an age thing? Would he consider viagra?

Has it always been this way? Does he have a low sex drive or could it be ED?

I live with a recovering alcoholic and know many of his AA friends. I know what alcoholism looks like, it nearly destroyed my marriage.

Hey OP
So, here I was. Researching blenders. And 'Being woken at 5am in a sexless marriage.' pops up on my laptop screen. Why? I have no idea.
Anyhoo. I've read through your thread. Because some of what you said sounded familiar. And I thought that I might have something useful to offer.
However, one or two other commenters beat me to it. Which is great. Because what they said made a lot of sense. Leaving me simply to reinforce their comments.
You've reached an impasse in your relationship. It happens. All the time.
I think that it's unwise to attach labels, based on the snapshot that you've offered here.
You've described what you'd like to change. And you've also talked about what you value. There appears to be a lot worth preserving, based on your comments.
A doctor who trains continuously throughout his/her career, can be an accomplished brain surgeon. And also be hopeless at relationships.
My point is. Few of us. Me included. Approach our most valued relationships in a systematic way. They just work. Or they don't.
There's so much that is going on here, as well as what's not being mentioned. Because your husband isn't a party to this thread. That, I agree with the commenters who have suggested you both go for counselling. With a view to resolving what's not working for you both and building on what you both value.
We men are generally hopeless at discussing our feelings, hopes, fears and anxieties. Its a learned skill to become self aware enough to be able to view yourself objectively and accept the critiques of others. As well as critique yourself and produce solutions.
I've had impasses in my most valued relationships and have done years of counselling and other self development work, to improve my self awareness, my understanding of others and be able to have the tough conversations that are sometimes necessary.
If you both want to resolve what's going on for each of you separately and jointly, I would suggest that counselling with an experienced and highly recommended professional is the only way to go. Counselling isn't an admission of failure. Its an acceptance that we aren't highly skilled at relationships and sometimes need some help to navigate what life throws at us and how things change over time.
If you only remember one word of what I've said here and who could blame you ;) Remember 'counselling'. If you both embrace it, it WILL work.

On the subject of counselling professionals. Be extremely careful who you approach. In my experience, there are very roughly, as many people who ought never to be allowed near counselling of others, as there are good, accredited professionals, who are easy to open up to and are very experienced.
I wouldn't recommend a psychologist as they can sometimes be too clinical. I believe that as two intelligent, articulate adults, a counselling psychotherapist would be more appropriate.

I wish you and your partner the very best OP.

There are quite regular threads on this and many similar replies to men and women. Common responses are, it won’t change, you deserve to be happy so leave. To both men and women.

It’s in OP’s posts, ffs. Why are you so hellbent on insisting he isn’t alcohol dependent? Does it hit a nerve, perhaps?

It sounds like he loves you and wants emotional intimacy. Is he asexual that's a term that is being banded often?

If he is asexual then you can't pressure him if he is not up to it.

Why do you even want to have sex with him? He sounds like a moron.

She did say he is not an alcoholic and doesn't drink every night. He sounds more like a binge drinker he drinks until he passes out which sounds about right.

You're assuming that because the behaviour COULD be due to alcoholism it IS due to alcoholism. You haven't any evidence it is the case. It's just a script you know.

Surely everyone knows binge drinking can be a pattern of alcoholism and that alcoholics don’t have to drink every night.

Whether he is dependent depends whether he can stop or cut down.

Really?! I drink a glass of wine twice a week and if I have the drink after 6pm, I immediately fall asleep! I tend to keep my drinking to late afternoon only for this reason.

I think in any relationship people should have limits on what they can and can't accept and only the person in the relationship can decide this so if your happy to be in a sexless marriage with separate rooms, great do that if not then leave. I certainly wouldn't accept that set up but everyone is different

And that’s a manifestation of alcoholism. The binges become more frequent and last longer as time goes on. It’s already accelerating. One of the biggest barriers to people not acknowledging and addressing their addiction is that they don’t conform to a stereotype. There’s more than one kind of drunk. The fact that his drinking is damaging his marriage should be proof enough for him.

Because on balance he matters more to me than a shag

@Lordofthebutterfloofs what a nasty sanctimonious thing to write. And also actually your situation with your DH is completely different. Neither of you want sex at the moment so of course it's "never mentioned" and you can work on your emotional intimacy. This situation is where one party is unhappy about the lack of sex, both parties have a responsibility to invest in addressing this.

So you are drinking far too much? It's interesting that you focused on his drinking and didn't mention your own for quite a while.

Do you think if you drank less he would be more attracted to you?

You are exhausted because you drink too much. You have said he only occasionally does this so that's not going to make you exhausted all the time.

Of course, I agree with that. Any abuse of drink is bad.

What stands out to me is that you've had lots of daytime chats about how you feel, he says the right things but nothing changes.

Also he knows that coming to bed around 4am-5am wakes you up, which is a big problem for you, and despite promising to sleep in the spare room so this doesn't happen, he doesn't.

So his promises are meaningless. This is a big problem.

As an aside, him naked spooning his sexually frustrated wife, cupping her breast, but then refusing sex really isn't fair. What on earth is he thinking? Does he think it's just a nice cuddle, just being friendly?

If it were me I'd have another chat about these issues, and also highlight how his words have become meaningless. Talk is cheap, what's his plan?

You need to examine the pattern of drinking more. How many nights on average does he not drink ? When he does drink is it always binge drinking until he passes out on the sofa ? Is he capable of stopping after a few drinks ?
Binge drinking (which is what he’s doing) is an indication that he does have a problem. He may not be an alcoholic but he may be alcohol dependent. You say in one of your posts that you think you drink too much as well, so it sounds as though alcohol is an issue for both of you. I think this is what’s seeping into your relationship, and it’s definitely going to have an effect on his sex drive. I think it’s time to stop with the ‘chats’ and maybe look at couples counselling, and possibly help and advice with alcohol use for both of you.

So show us where OP says he has problems with sex because he drinks too much. Or where OP is upset because he drinks too much. (I won't let you try to distract by quibbling over what 'routinely' means). And if you can't do that, consider why you're hellbent on blaming sexual problems on alcohol. Does the alternative hit a nerve perhaps?

Does the alternative hit a nerve perhaps?

Not really. All our sexual problems went away when he stopped drinking. 🤷‍♀️

Any pattern of drinking is consistent with alcoholism. And you're basing 'it's already accelerating ' on 'It's not every night, or even every week, but last night was the 3rd time this week. ' One week. You sound desperate for the problem to be alcoholism.