Being woken at 5am in a sexless marriage

[5ammadness]

My DH regularly falls asleep on the sofa after he's been drinking. It's not every night, or even every week, but last night was the 3rd time this week. He wakes up around 4am-5am, and then comes to bed, waking me up in the process.

I have to be up for work at 6.30am, usually 7 days a week (self employed). I have asked him not to do this. In the past he has promised to sleep in the spare room if it is past 1am, but he seems to have forgotten this.

Sometimes I can fall straight back to sleep, but sometimes I can't, and I lie awake until my alarm goes off at 6.30am. I am tired. Very tired.

Our other major problem, is that we don't have enough sex. This is his choice, not mine. The last time we had sex was in January. He knows this bothers me greatly, and would like to fix it.

However, last night, he came to bed at 515am again - and in an effort to be closer to me, he spooned me, which would be lovely, except

A) it woke me up and
B) it made me aroused as we were both naked, which meant that I was wide awake and incredibly frustrated.

Part of me was hoping that the closeness might turn him on too, but he just fell to sleep. So we are lying there, him asleep and me WIDE awake and very sexually frustrated, and I lost my cool. Can't remember exactly what I said, but I made it clear that this wasn't fair on me.

All he kept saying is "IT IS 5.30AM, I'M NOT TAKING ABOUT THIS NOW" - he repeated this about 20 times before storming off in to the spare room, where he is still asleep, and will remain so until he decides to get up, whereas I am up for work as usual.

AIBU here? I just want a normal sex life and to be able to sleep until 6.30am. I don't feel like I am asking for the moon on a stick here. I am so sad about it all.

Thanks for reading.

And you sound desperate for it not to be.

Ah! And there we have the answer. It was the problem in your relationship THEREFORE it must be the problem in every other relationship.

What's a normal sex life?

There’s a difference between alcohol abuse and alcohol dependence. And it’s not so much the pattern of drinking that defines you as an alcoholic, as the inability to stop. And @Blossomtoes is right in that if it’s not addressed, the binges will become more frequent as the craving increases. It’s already affecting their marriage. How long before it seeps into the workplace - and that goes for both of them, because even if the OP doesn’t binge drink, she acknowledges that she drinks too much, so they’re both in danger of tipping over to the point of alcoholism when they find they can’t stop.

No, I just base my beliefs on evidence, not on the script I happen to know.

Could you both give up alcohol completely for six months, and see how that changes things? Best case scenario, you both sleep better, have more energy, work through relationship stuff together, like each other more, get physically intimate again. Worse case scenario, improved health and money saved for the divorce.

That's not what that poster was saying at all. You goaded her into revealing information about her marriage by suggesting that you'd "hit a nerve". You're coming across like a dog with a bone about his alcohol consumption not being a problem.

What world are we in where someone can't express their (very normal) sexual desire to their married partner without being branded a sex pest?!

Plenty of people would not be happy with no sex for months on end, you're not a sex pest for being frustrated with that and expressing it to your partner.

Should she just end the marriage and walk away without communicating the reasons for this and giving the marriage a chance to improve?

Ultimately OP it sounds like you're no longer compatible. Sex is an important part of a marriage for you, and it isn't for him. If you can't come up with some kind of compromise between you that you are both happy with, it might be time to walk away.

The problem is the solo passing out drinking.

The DRINKING.

He has a massive problem and the lack of sex is just a symptom.

Focus on his drinking and what is causing that, not that you're going without.

He needs to fix that first.

Because people like you are giving stupid advice by ASSUMING that alcohol is the cause of the problem without good evidence. And it was actually the poster who first suggested that my nerve was being hit by talking about this, so a little more honesty wouldn't go amiss hmm?

I’m finding it hard to understand why you think people are assuming that alcohol is the cause of the problem, when the ‘good evidence’ is right there in the fact that he regularly binge drinks. To have any hope of making things right they both have to examine their drinking habits and identify the underlying problems that are causing both of them to abuse alcohol.

If this helps anyone alcohol has never affected our sex life in fact when we don't drink it slows down. We haven't drunk for two months which means we get more things done and are more tired in the evening. Alcohol makes us lazy in other ways but not sexually.

You're presumably finding it hard to understand because you haven't read the previous posts. If a man stays up till his wife is asleep and drinks while doing so it COULD be because of alcohol dependency. It also COULD be because he is anxious about intimacy. It COULD be because the wife snores so he can't get to sleep. It COULD be because he's watching porn. We don't know. So considering the first possibility is reasonable. But it's garbage thinking to think it MUST be the first because 'I've seen marriages destroyed by alcoholism'. That's not how logic works.

I also think he has a drink problem in some way, even if not a full-blown alcoholic. I’m really sorry if I come across as a patronising tool but I wonder if maybe your definition of an alcoholic or just someone with a slight drink problem and on the slippery slope is a bit like mine in the sense that I saw a parent casually drinking frequently growing up, albeit never really drunk, so normalised it.

I think being on a similar wavelength in terms of your libido is important in a relationship but it’s rare so compromise is usually required. I can see you’ve already tried to do that. But I also think clear communication is vital as it can be genuinely difficult understanding the other’s sex drive or lack of, if yours is different. So I’d also have a long conversation with him during the day about how the lack of intimacy is affecting your relationship and try to get to the bottom of it and decide together what you’re going to both do to improve your relationship, for yourselves and each other.

A good sex life rarely comes without intimacy, affection and a good relationship where there’s mutual respect in my opinion, so he definitely needs to pull his weight with the drinking and his bad habits with sleep. I definitely feel the distance when my other half regularly stays up late working or vice versa, even though we both do it for our family. I’d try making that a rare thing if possible. Going to bed together helps, in my experience. We often have our best conversations in bed and also laugh the most. It might also mean you need to take a look at your habits, working patterns etc. Not sure if this applies to you or not and I’m not suggesting you are one but in my experience being a workaholic can have a similarly toxic influence on a relationship too.

Why hasn't anybody commented on the fact that she drinks far too much?

'My DH regularly falls asleep on the sofa after he's been drinking. It's not every night, or even every week, but last night was the 3rd time this week…

he has nights where he doesn't drink - and comes to bed at a normal time..

The passing out is due to the drink. He wakes at 5am and then comes up to bed…

my Dad is an alcoholic. My DH compared to him, is a saint. My Dad drank every night (still does at 81) and regularly smashed stuff up in the house, or verbally abused us all, or went missing, or did stupid things like sleep on the lawn. My parents had drink fuelled arguments several times a week, throughout my childhood, and actually right up until my Mum died. I should admit here, that I also drink far too much…'

It's the drink. The dark thing that's marred two generations.

Focus on that, on helping each other with that.

Where have you read that I skim-read and tend to miss things?

What's a normal sex life?

A normal sex life lacks perversity.
Perversity is when H tells OP that he knows that lack of sex bothers her greatly, and would like to fix it, but in fact he prefers to drink all night by himself and then wake her up and tease her sexually, only to fall asleep after a few minutes. Why is that? Some people do that because they are really dumb and inconsiderate, unable to realise what they are doing to their partner. Some do that because they are passive-aggressive and have a deep resentment for their partner. Some do that because they suffer from ED or are gay and are too ashamed to admit. Some do that because they hope to manage to have sex if they drink enough, but all this heavy drinking destroys all their ability to perform in bed. And some do that because they are depressed, feel lonely and tired, and the only thing that matters to them is to drink and be left alone.
But it is perverse to behave this way, not once, but repeatedly, and at the same time to claim that they love their partner and would like to fix it. With such people, chats are useless, all discussions just serve to kick the can down the road and to keep the OP quiet and hopeful. Counselling may be more useful, who knows, perhaps you can talk more openly with a stranger.

I think you both need to contact AA

@Plbrookes

Your attitude to this whole alcohol discussion is so defensive and odd, it's as if you feel personally attacked by it. No one is attacking you. It's perfectly reasonable to surmise that if a person routinely drinks enough that they can't make it to bed at night they might be drinking a wee bit too much.

If that person's partner has said explicitly that they are unhappy with the marriage and they don't have enough sex and drinking is a component of this AND that they drink too much themselves, it's not an unreasonable suggestion that this might be a factor worth considering.

No one is diagnosing the DH here as alcohol dependent but its as clear as the nose on your face that he is drinking at unhealthy levels and I can't see why this is controversial or difficult.

You may feel threatened by this for your own reasons and clearly it isn't the whole story of the OP's marriage but that doesn't give you a right to lash out and be offensive to other people who have first hand experience of this.

We none of us know for sure if the DH is an alcoholic or not but insisting that his drinking is absolutely normal and there's nothing to see isn't helping the OP much.

I can't begin to understand why some posters can't see this.

And people think men never have the lower sex drive.. This forum proves otherwise, loads of frustrated women.

I have and so has @Rosscameasdoody. Agree, it doesn’t seem to have been widely picked up on though. It could be a knock on effect. DH drinks too much and isn’t interested in sex, so OP jumps into a bottle as a way to compensate. I think they both need counselling to get to the bottom of their individual attitudes to alcohol and reasons for misusing it, otherwise they’ll get nowhere.