Being woken at 5am in a sexless marriage

[5ammadness]

My DH regularly falls asleep on the sofa after he's been drinking. It's not every night, or even every week, but last night was the 3rd time this week. He wakes up around 4am-5am, and then comes to bed, waking me up in the process.

I have to be up for work at 6.30am, usually 7 days a week (self employed). I have asked him not to do this. In the past he has promised to sleep in the spare room if it is past 1am, but he seems to have forgotten this.

Sometimes I can fall straight back to sleep, but sometimes I can't, and I lie awake until my alarm goes off at 6.30am. I am tired. Very tired.

Our other major problem, is that we don't have enough sex. This is his choice, not mine. The last time we had sex was in January. He knows this bothers me greatly, and would like to fix it.

However, last night, he came to bed at 515am again - and in an effort to be closer to me, he spooned me, which would be lovely, except

A) it woke me up and
B) it made me aroused as we were both naked, which meant that I was wide awake and incredibly frustrated.

Part of me was hoping that the closeness might turn him on too, but he just fell to sleep. So we are lying there, him asleep and me WIDE awake and very sexually frustrated, and I lost my cool. Can't remember exactly what I said, but I made it clear that this wasn't fair on me.

All he kept saying is "IT IS 5.30AM, I'M NOT TAKING ABOUT THIS NOW" - he repeated this about 20 times before storming off in to the spare room, where he is still asleep, and will remain so until he decides to get up, whereas I am up for work as usual.

AIBU here? I just want a normal sex life and to be able to sleep until 6.30am. I don't feel like I am asking for the moon on a stick here. I am so sad about it all.

Thanks for reading.

Curious as to why you wake up at 6.30am seven days a week if you are self employed with a successful business.

@NatashaDancing

The vast majority of us can see it's linked to the drinking but one or two people are hell bent on insisting it's not.

You'll be surprised what you read on mumsnet they sound sex craven.

Your whole attitude to this suggests you're refusing to accept basic logic because it exposes deep-seated problems in your relationship. As I've explained multiple times now, to people who really don't want to acknowledge it, if excess drinking is causing problems in the relationship, address the excess drinking. If other reasons (eg anxiety over intimacy) are causing the husband to stay up late (and drinking when he does so), address those other reasons. And, far from 'lashing out' it is others who are doing it to me. Like you in fact. So don't be a hypocrite. It's not a nice look.

Unfortunately he's no sex drive, or so it seems. You are not feeling fulfilled in the relationship so you have to really think about your options. You could stay if you are prepared to live like friends (although even friends have care for one another - his drinking seems to be incredibly destructive).

How dishonest you are.

Today 08:48 Post by OP

I should admit here, that I also drink far too much.

I'm really sorry you're dealing with this situation. It's evident that you're feeling neglected and frustrated in your relationship. Communication is vital to address your needs and to understand your husband's perspective.
Perhaps choose a quiet, relaxed moment during the weekend when there are fewer distractions to have a heart-to-heart conversation with your husband. Share your feelings and desires openly and honestly. It's possible that he's dealing with stress or ED issues, which could be affecting his libido. By discussing these matters openly, you can work together to comprehend each other's needs and find a solution.
I can relate to your situation as I've had my own experience with pushing my husband away by not understanding his needs. Communication played a key role in resolving our issues (on going). Remember that you're a team, and working together to address these challenges is essential to strengthening your bond.
Consider setting aside time for regular date nights or moments of intimacy to help rebuild your connection. This could involve enjoying activities you both love or simply spending quality time together.
Remember that you're not alone, and it's crucial to support one another during this challenging time. Communication and understanding will be key in overcoming these obstacles and nurturing a stronger, more satisfying relationship.

A friend of mine said she thinks many men 50 and over struggle to 'get it up' and sometimes need help. Possibly could be a reason.

I don't think you can really generalise about sex drive, people are all different.

When I drink I snore loud maybe that's why he doesn't like sleeping next to her at night. Drinking does bring on snoring.

I would be furious too. And the only women on MN who would get riled in the reverse potsition, are those actively avoiding sex with their partners and pretending it doesn't matter.

If one of you is unhappy with your sex life it is very much a couple problem.

My ex PIl were a senior gynae and sex therapist, respectively. They often opined that mismatched sex lives was one of the largest cause of separation. Along with abuse and financial issues. It really does cause people to break up and the one's who don't want sex just don't want to acknowledge that.

He may be drinking to avoid or it may be a cause. Doesn't matter it is very much an active symptom of your currently dysfunctional marriage

@Humanbiology Sex craven?
I hear about it in life too, men who don't want sex.

You have my sympathies OP but I don't know the answer.

I'm in a celibate marriage through no choice of my own, with someone who is otherwise a good man who I get on with.

Your relationship is a mess.

You both have issues with alcohol;you and your partner are in a toxic thruple with alcohol being your third.

You both need to take steps to remedy this.You both need to give alcohol altogether;prehaps you should both join AA together.

Also it sounds as though you could do with some counselling to talk about your childhood as I can imagine growing up with an alcoholic father has left its mark on you.

I have been on a couple of threads lately my comment is a little dramatic. There are women out there who don't like sex and would probably suit these men. Sex is like marmite you either love it or you don't. There is nothing wrong with not liking sex and vice versa nothing wrong with liking sex. You have to find your match which I think the op hasn't found possibly.

1. He's an alcoholic. Just because he's not smashing the place up and having screaming rows with you like your Dad did with your Mum doesn't mean he isn't an alcoholic.
2. You drink too much alcohol and possibly have a problem.
3. You work too much so that won't be helping either.
4. You aren't sexually compatible.

There's no need for people to label you as a sex pest. And it's beyond irritating when people come on here saying "if the sexes were reversed" on every fucking thread and then randomly quoting some supposedly identical situation just with sexes reversed when the situation isn't the same.

You should not be losing your cool because he doesn't want to have sex with you. You either need to go to counselling to see if the marriage can be rescued or you should leave the marriage because it doesn't seem to be working for either of you.

All I know is that if a man dared complain about lack of sex from a wife/gf OR if a female partner posted about their male partner demanding sex and /or that their male partner expected sex from every cuddle people would be up in arms labelling the male the problem and saying he has no right to expect sex etc etc

Honestly imagine the responses if you swapped the genders here and had “me 30F cuddled into my husband last night and woke him up, he immediately wanted sex but I was tired so he screamed at me and stormed off”

Which is true - nobody has the right to expect anybody to have sex if they don’t consent. And as for you want it 3 times a week but will compromise for once a week 😂 that’s NOT a compromise- it’s just a demand really - a compromise is a solution you both come up with together.

Also sounds like he does have an alcohol problem.

And he may have no regard for you but you also have no regard for him so there is that to consider.

As I've explained multiple times now, to people who really don't want to acknowledge it, if excess drinking is causing problems in the relationship, address the excess drinking. If other reasons (eg anxiety over intimacy) are causing the husband to stay up late (and drinking when he does so), address those other reasons.

When alcohol abuse is involved, there's always a vicious circle that grows and grows. Those 'other reasons' are always compounded, complicated, hidden, transformed etc. by alcohol abuse. So even if the husband is not an alcoholic and just wants to be alone and drink because he has anxiety over intimacy or other reasons so stay up late, you can't discuss these reasons as if they were completely separate and uninfluenced by his heavy drinking. His odd behavior (coming to bed at 5 am, waking up his wife and sexually teasing her, only to fall asleep) is the direct result of being drunk.

I haven't given any advice. The fact she'd mentioned hitting a nerve bears no relevance to the unsupportable logical leap from her saying alcohol was the problem in her marriage to you saying "And there we have the answer. It was the problem in your relationship THEREFORE it must be the problem in every other relationship." That's putting words in her mouth. I have no horse in the race as to whether alcohol is the issue or not, just an observer who noticed how invested you are all over this thread, to the point of making a spurious argument and acting like it was a valid point.

Often though people will respond saying that no of course you shouldn't be pressured into sex, but that if this renders you incompatible then he should leave. As OP should in this situation.

This was dripfed so I think most of us missed it. Agree it’s a crucial detail and makes a lot of sense.

But ... that's exactly what happened ...

This.

I also didn’t like your line about saying you felt you were being teased OP, by him cuddling you naked. It reminds me of teenage girls being called a “prick tease” when they dance close to boys but won’t have sex with them.

Honestly imagine the responses if you swapped the genders here and had “me 30F cuddled into my husband last night and woke him up, he immediately wanted sex but I was tired so he screamed at me and stormed off”

I dunno. I think if a woman posted that she knows her husband is unhappy with their sex life, and despite her promising to work on it, they haven't had sex since January, but last night, after getting drunk, she decided to get naked and spoon him in bed but had no intentions of having sex, people would tell her that was a rather cruel thing to do.

Thank you @Tattooname, it’s appreciated but it’s probably best not to engage.