Being woken at 5am in a sexless marriage

[5ammadness]

My DH regularly falls asleep on the sofa after he's been drinking. It's not every night, or even every week, but last night was the 3rd time this week. He wakes up around 4am-5am, and then comes to bed, waking me up in the process.

I have to be up for work at 6.30am, usually 7 days a week (self employed). I have asked him not to do this. In the past he has promised to sleep in the spare room if it is past 1am, but he seems to have forgotten this.

Sometimes I can fall straight back to sleep, but sometimes I can't, and I lie awake until my alarm goes off at 6.30am. I am tired. Very tired.

Our other major problem, is that we don't have enough sex. This is his choice, not mine. The last time we had sex was in January. He knows this bothers me greatly, and would like to fix it.

However, last night, he came to bed at 515am again - and in an effort to be closer to me, he spooned me, which would be lovely, except

A) it woke me up and
B) it made me aroused as we were both naked, which meant that I was wide awake and incredibly frustrated.

Part of me was hoping that the closeness might turn him on too, but he just fell to sleep. So we are lying there, him asleep and me WIDE awake and very sexually frustrated, and I lost my cool. Can't remember exactly what I said, but I made it clear that this wasn't fair on me.

All he kept saying is "IT IS 5.30AM, I'M NOT TAKING ABOUT THIS NOW" - he repeated this about 20 times before storming off in to the spare room, where he is still asleep, and will remain so until he decides to get up, whereas I am up for work as usual.

AIBU here? I just want a normal sex life and to be able to sleep until 6.30am. I don't feel like I am asking for the moon on a stick here. I am so sad about it all.

Thanks for reading.

If you know the meaning of 'honesty' it's apparently something you have very little interest in.

Irrelevant to consent. Are you aware that a women was convicted of rape and sentenced to prison for having sex with a male friend who went to bed naked with her (to sleep thinking she was a lesbian). Him being naked in bed with her didn’t equate to sexual consent anymore that this scenario.

I find it really bizarre that the vibe is “he spooned her, he was asking for it “ it’s genuinely disturbing.

Consent is completely and absolutely final irrespective of anything else including what came before or how the other party interprets it - if somebody is not saying YES then it is a no - and anybody who cannot respect that OR cannot respect it without shouting and yelling is in the wrong.

I am actually shocked at the responses which all seem to be because the cuddler is male.

@Shz consent goes both ways, surely. Where did he ask for consent to touch her breast and press his naked body against hers? You're calling it cuddling, but to other people that is unsolicited sexual contact. Especially because she was asleep at the time.

Sorry I went AWOL, we went out for the afternoon. He was very apologetic when he got up. Said all the right things - which he always does!

He does not have sleep apnoea. I guess he IS passing out at that hour. But he doesn't drink every night, only when there is no work the next day. But, yes, we both drink too much.

Had a lovely day and a meal out last night. He set an alarm on his phone to wake him up at midnight - just in case. I went to bed about 11pm. Got woken up at 3am, by the telly blaring. So I went down, turned it off, and switched all the lights off, and left him on the sofa. I go back to bed - only to be woken up at 4am when he came up. Of course, I said something, like "not again" and he quickly decamped to the spare room.

We are not going to separate over this - we love each other - but I do wish we could knock this behaviour on the head. And sort the sex issue, which is making me miserable. I think stopping drinking might help, however, we had a dry 3 weeks last year, and no sex happened, so who knows.

Interestingly, when we take foreign holidays, and he has no work, we do have sex and it's good, so I am beginning to wonder whether he just can't cope with work stress and sex. He has in incredibly stressful job about as bad as it gets.

I can't get worked up about the consent side of things - we are married, and in our heads we both have consent to touch one another without asking "may I" first. I don't care if he cups a boob and he doesn't care if I pinch his bum. Do other coupes really not touch one another this way?

But obviously when I am frustrated, it makes things difficult, to have a little piece of closeness that doesn't go any further. He can have a deep snog for example, and then just wander off, whereas that takes me to the place when I want to have sex. We are very different.

I can't get worked up about the consent side of things - we are married, and in our heads we both have consent to touch one another without asking "may I" first. I don't care if he cups a boob and he doesn't care if I pinch his bum. Do other coupes really not touch one another this way?

Everyone should get ‘worked up’ about consent. Christ almighty.

So what have you got from this thread?

How is his testosterone? Does he need TRT? If he’s willing to look into that see your GP. Superdrug do a service for men (and women).

It also sounds like he is stressed and tired. I find sex in the evening hard as I’m tired, morning weekend sex is better for me. TRT might help with both stress and tiredness.

As a female I’ve just started on testosterone as it’s me that has a LL and it bothers me. Can take a while to kick in but it can help.

Quite agree. The OP is also well within her rights to tell him to sod off. But in her OP she said him spooning her was nice except for the fact it did not lead to sex therefore from her original post she seemed to find his spooning acceptable in itself. In later posts she had stated they have a relationship where this sort of touching is acceptable to them. Again saying her issue is that she wants such contact to result in sex which he does not. Consent goes both ways, absolutely did not say otherwise.

Had she not wanted him to do this then absolutely he crossed a line and she is entitled to say so.

No one has been dishonest. It's your stock and meaningless response to anyone who posts anything you disagree with.

Several people have been dishonest in claiming that OP has said things that she hasn't and in claiming that people who point out that dishonesty are 'in denial'. So, you're wrong about that. But you won't admit it.

Have an affair it will make you feel much better and what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him. if he finds out then he will either buck up his ideas or he will leave and you can find someone who treats you better and isn’t an alcoholic.

Jesus this is so hypocritical I don’t know where to start !! MN rips women apart for affairs, and rightly so. If the OP wants an end to the relationship there’s a door she can use, or show him where it is. She doesn’t need to demean herself in the process.

OP I would insist he set up a proper spare bedroom & uses it exclusively so that you are not constantly being woken up. I know couples think this is drastic & will stop any intimacy at all like cuddles etc but this is a fallacy & disturbed sleep only makes everyone more irritable & snappy. I think your now desperation for touch, affection & sex is being switched on by having him lie next to you, knowing he’ll be coming to bed & being driven mad by the permanent hope that any form of touch will lead to sex. Especially if you both sleep naked.

Accepting that your libido’s are different atm is necessary because you continually telling him he’s not performing isn’t helping.

I think you should be taking care of your own desires in the meantime & not expecting that he should & ought to be the one doing this. Obviously it’s not the same but not releasing your own frustrations is only making you more resentful & irritable.

If he’s physically unable to - either because of desire being dampened down by stress, low testosterone or nutritional deficiencies, or overwhelm etc it’s pointless continually expecting something that can’t be performed. Having your own bed might help you habituate to this - for the time being.

Now that you’ve said he does & can have sex when away & that he enjoys this it does seem far more stress, possibly testosterone & libido related.

I do think you should stop making him feel bad for not doing his duty so to speak because it’s only making the problem worse. He should (himself & not pushed by you) see his gp to rule out testosterone, anxiety/depression) & vitamin deficiencies.

Maybe look at stress management, life balance & the alcohol. Chronic sleep disturbance & alcohol will impact anyone’s libido.

Sometimes distance from each other from separate rooms switches on the enjoyment again of missing each other’s touch etc & could reignite a bit of passion.

But definitely take the heat off the issue, try an experiment where for a significant period of time you don’t tell him he should be initiating it & see what happens. If you’ve already done this ad nauseam then it’s not unreasonable to insist an appointment with his gp.

Constant reminders he’s not doing his duty by you could put more pressure on & turn something that sounds like a libido issue, into a performance related one - which means more elements to tackle. Both are solvable but easier if it’s more straightforward to start with.

I’d suggest a relate therapist but not necessarily easy to get your partner on board especially if he feels he’s the problem. Can he talk to you about what he feels honestly with no judgement, when you expect it, what is going on for him etc. Talking & understanding each other is the best way in 🍀

@DotAndCarryOne2 hypocritical? Have you seen me personally rip into anyone for an affair?
I don’t judge. And i don’t see how an affair is demeaning either. Each to their own

Don't be silly op, this is mumsnet, everyone needs explicit consent to even share a bed fully clothed don't you know 😂😂

Jeezo, I can't believe that married couples formally ask for consent before hugging one another.

Thank you for such a reasoned post.

You need to evaluate your alcohol situation. It sounds like you both need to cut down. Alcohol is clouding your minds and probably the root cause of his libido issues. Try quitting for 30 days and then have an honest conversation. It would probably look a lot different.

yep according to all the rules on mumsnet I'm a sexual predator as I frequently touch my partner without asking him 😂😂

It looks like your dh is an alcoholic in denial and can’t get it up.
He won’t change because he can’t, so your options are to get him to move to the spare room and buy yourself some sex toys or leave him.
He regularly fobs you off with these discussions you have but has no intentions of following through and is insensitive to your feelings.

How much longer do you want to put up with this?