To be struggling to accept my new life

[Dreamegg]

I used to have a great life. I've studied and lived/worked abroad, travelled, had great friends. A successful career. I love being outdoors, cycling, hiking etc and I used to be out doing things all the time. Then I lost my job. I had to leave my lovely apartment and had to take a job back in London.

I've been back for 5 years now. I'm 36. For 3 years I've been living in a tiny, grotty flat with my partner next to a busy, loud and polluted main road, which has brought my childhood asthma back. I spend 20+ hours a day in my bedroom (I work remotely 4/5 days a week). I never get space or time to myself - my partner is always at home too. I can't afford to move. In fact I can't afford anything these days. I can't afford to retrain, and don't have the energy. I have no hobbies anymore - I can't do the things I enjoy here (eg. I can't have a bike as i have no space to store it). I'm constantly having to pick up side jobs to pay for unexpected bills or expenses. I have no friends. I'll never have kids.

Life is meant to progress and get better, but I feel like mine is going the opposite way and I'm struggling to accept it. Any advice?

Not read the whole thread but read OP’s posts…
Does your mum live alone/have no other support? Is she coping well with her MS or struggling? The reason I ask is that you previously lived abroad, which is almost certainly > 1 hour away from her. If you asked her, I’m fairly (but not entirely) sure she’d want you to live somewhere that made you happy. (My mum also has MS, so this isn’t coming from someone that has no idea what it’s like)

Leave the flat you’re in, either move somewhere else nearby but not on a main road or move somewhere else entirely.
Does the company you work for have any other offices? We’ve had loads of London workers moving into Manchester…
Pay to use a co-working space? Gets you out of your sad sounding flat, into a space where you can meet others, network, maybe find something new!
Could you get a second hand bike? One of the Brompton ones that fold up? Wall racks? Anything!

You live in the South of the U.K. - there’s not a shortage of walks/hikes to get out and do, so what’s stopping you? Is it that you just can’t get motivated? Are you feeling low in yourself?

Look hard at your budget - why are you having to pick up side jobs? Are you living beyond your means or just not keeping an eye on things? A harsh look through your finances might reveal things that you didn’t know you were spending on, and free up some cash!

l came across your post.You need to count your blessings , and make use of the resources of what you have right now.
There are other people in far worse situations than you. l recently became homeless , through no fault of mine, other than dealing with a rogue private landlord. Like you, l had some key credentials but now out in the cold, with no where to go . lt,s been tough, rough, dangerous as a lone woman, the stress factor is 1000% compared to your cushion lifestyle you have shared with everyone online here. l live in real time , not knowing where l am going to be, where my next meal is going to come from, where to use the restroom, and where to just sit down and rest my swollen feet, from being moved on from place to place in all weather conditions exposed to open air elements 24 x7 .At the moment , the weather is freezen cold. I am cold, l suffered from frostbites 3 weeks ago when it snowed, l cant feel the tips of my fingers, l sleep everywhere and any where to be safe ..l am awake all night for my own protection with drunken men roaming around the streets at night looking for the wrong kind of opportunity...etc and my woes goes on. And having to deal with people along on the high street daily, some nice, some horrible, and some incredibly vile, nasty and threatening as in men behaving badly towards a female. For me , the last few weeks has been an utter living nightmare. So all l can tell you accept your situation against the backdrop of the high cost of living , the reality of the lifestyle we all live in right now you have a partner, roof over your head, a job etc l say well done to you ...get yourself out and around walking, attend art galleries, join social groups, go to the library to get out of flat , get on bus and just enjoy the trip for an hour or so., join a female friendly social group near you, etc develop a new hobby, .Your main problem is that you stuck in the flat and you need to get out and about and not feel isolated being indoors with your partner 24 hours. Other than that. You have an amazing lifestyle most people will die for right now. As l reply to your post right now, you are indoors and l am out in the cold living on the streets ...you want to trade places with me, be my guest ? l dont think so ?. welcome to my world right now.
p.s. Message posted from a recently female homeless person.

You focus on what you're not happy with - rather than what it is you specifically want and creating a plan on getting there.

For example, if I was in your shoes, Id find a job up north, eg Manchester. Jobs are online and interviews can be remote. Id take any job until Id found one that matched my skillset.

Once the job's confirmed Id find a property within a 10 minute walk of a tram station that goes into Mcr.

Friends: Id sign up to local walking groups - they're found on Facebook. Plus you'd start to accumulate friends from work.

Then Id put job alerts on sites like indeed for my ideal type of role.

Life changes, stuff happens - paths change - but its you who decides which path to taken

YOU make life happen - you chose London, the flat, the remote role - take the bull by the horns and start living!! Because if you dont you'll still be in this situation in another 5 years.

Figure out what you want - then come up with a solution, with a realistic plan of how you'll get there.

Sorry Ive not sugar coated, but I feel like you need a bit of a kick up the ass as you sound stuck in a rut. But it comes from a good place. Please live your best life - your in charge.

Best of luck xx

Life is meant to progress and get better, but I feel like mine is going the opposite way and I'm struggling to accept it. Any advice?

Give up the idea that life it meant to progress and get better. It is not a God-given law of the universe.
Life has ups and downs. And given the current economic situation, this 'down' cycle is going to last longer than usual for most people.
Generally the last half-decade of your life can be the worst.

Seriously, changing your perspective or thought-framework will help you accept being in a 'down' section of your life.

Hi.
Ok forget what was,apart from the happy memories,remembered happily,shut the door on what you used to do,it is absolutely not helping you right now.
You are so overwhelmed with all the negatives you cannot see your way forward.
Life can change for the better as soon as you decide it can and you stop looking at the minus list.
You can have a better life just not the one you had before.Think about the experience you have gathered,I feel your future will be connected to some knowledge you have that you can share with others.
have you thought about moving abroad to work?

Someone said it (above) before me; baby steps. Pick one small issue and solve it. This will give you the drive and confidence for each step and the bigger issues. Can't store a bike; then nab a hire bike or borrow one occasionally. Step two get out of London. Only you know how your partner will feel about this but open the discussion. At-least, as a remote worker. you can carry on earning while you look at step three -the big issues. Be it new career or start a family? Either way, you be more confident and better able to make a decision.

My credentials: born and bred in London. Career going nowhere. Via series of false starts, went to college and started a business because no-one would give me a job in my chosen field. Moved out of London on a whim, guided by my Mrs. Now live on the coast, earn more than I ever did (work harder but less BS) and never happier. I thought the world ended at the M25. that is the illusion. It starts there. My generation really f**d it up for you (genuinely sorry 'bout that) but there are possibilities; take a risk. The greatest risk is do nothing and getting to my age - disappointed. Now, make a start.

Oh Dear Lord, life if definitely too short, and Mumsnet is time I'll not get back. Everything ends up repetative and confrontational. Easy decision to leave this arena 👋

What on earth do you earn that you'd lose 20-30k if you moved up north? Doing what?

It’s easier said than done, but I think you NEED to make a change in order to be happy.

I live in Scotland where it’s much cheaper for property and free space etc , but obviously i wouldn’t think you would move that far away, but I do think you need to make a change.
you clearly aren’t happy, and I don’t blame you. Make that change. You only get one life on this planet. The last few years have been bad enough. Do something positive. It won’t be easy, but I bet one day you’ll look back and realise how far you’ve come.

OP, sounds like you need a Life coach to talk though things that are holding you back.

You are standing in your own way!

Why do you have to work from bedroom all the time? Spend couple of hours in a cafe working. Commuter belt towns are not that bad have you explored all your options?

Get out of London as fast as you can. I wouldn’t want to have children there.

There are great places to buy that are far cheaper in the UK, with less crime, pollution and happier people.

London is great to visit, but I see my friend and brother there and I’m glad to return home back north.

You are 36. If you want children you need to be planning now!

Seriously, start leaving now!

H x

Henrietta the Great, What you said was a bit strong. I was born and brought up in London, as was my husband and we brought up our own here. London is huge, there are areas with high crime rates as in any city but not where I live. We've always felt quite comfortable and secure and I am by nature quite a nervous person.

I don’t know if it is a thing you can do where you are, but if van life is a thing, consider it. I ended up living in my van for awhile. Going from free campsite to Walmart parking lots, it is not ideal for long term but I was able to travel around and not worry about rent.

Get a cheap bike and keep it outside

I’ve lived in London my whole life and I don’t feel like you. You say you work from home so what’s keeping you anywhere you don’t like. I think you’d be better off working out exactly what is your problem, because it clearly isn’t London.

The loss of your former job is mentioned without much context. Did something go really wrong/did you maybe burn some bridges?

Sometimes the latter is no bad thing, and I'm not seeking more details but it may be worth thinking if you played any role in these changes, that's still unresolved in your mind.

It can really be worth working to identify what you could have done differently...or if it was largely out of your control, coming to terms with that and reframing your life with that knowledge. It can be an uncomfortable process but paradoxically, can truly improve your mindset long-term.

After spending some time on this, you'll be well-positioned to set some short term goals to alleviate things (eg. different home or health strategies). Don't think too far ahead, & be as open-minded as you can. I'm sure a better times are around the corner, however hard that might be to imagine now.

Perhaps you cannot bike, but you still have legs, yeah? Hiking is just walking on uneven terrain. If you have a cellphone that can download apps that play either music or podcasts, then pop on some headphones, put in a podcast, song list, or audiobook, and START WALKING. Even in the city, you can focus on what's in your ears and get some good exercise going, and that will help your mood immensely! Remember to look both ways before crossing a street or driveway (I usually wear only one earbud so as to be able to listen for outside issues). Exercise is always a great way to help with depression issues.

Good luck!

I’m not one to post something harsh but I have read all your posts OP and it sounds like you have a million reasons why you can’t do anything.

my view is that if you aren’t willing to help yourself by taking even the smallest bit of advice (because there are loads of good ideas on this thread that wouldn’t be hard to follow), then you don’t really want the help and you don’t want to change.

I hope I am wrong and you have more of an open mind than it sounds. There are some great ideas here.

@KnackeredAF My mum hadn't been diagnosed yet when I lived abroad. That was one reason I came back to the UK when I lost my job, she wasn't well and going through tests. She's also understandably very depressed and anxious, and I worry she would do something silly if I wasn't around to be honest.

@lahadley I lost my job because the company I worked for had a rough couple of years and decided to shut their most expensive office (mine). I had the option to relocate to another country I didn't want to live in, or take redundancy. (This was all pre pandemic, remote working wasnt really a thing).

Exactly, especially Beckenham for example where you've got the tram into Wimbledon and plenty of buses as well as trains which all makes up for the lack of a Tube station.

OP - women can have children later than 36 so put that aside for a moment.

What is it that you want from life ? You are working and obviously are educated and have work experience.

For what it is worth I am a divorced single parent, whose career has stalled and also live on a busy London road - this has all happened in the last 10 years!

To the person struggling for a life !! It must be a big hit to u ! Stuck in a flat no space , shitty street ( smell ) but still earning money ? Umm try this I worked 17 1/2/ hrs a day ( 6 ) days a week !! Then boom 25 years of stress gave me a massive heart attack ! Then 10 more after that ! I,m on a dsp pension , lucky I know how 2 cook as some fortnight’s I live on $4,00 fornight ! But I help others that are worst off ! I cook , clean , give my all to others that are worse off than myself ! ( but I don’t winge about it ) just remember this which is so true !( There,s always someone else worst off than yourself ) ! Have a happy day 🤗

Hi you sound fed up and depressed . You need to aknowledge what the posters are saying , get help from your gp . What do you mean you’ll never have kids ? No one is going to pull you out of this , you need to do that . Sorry you’re going through this and yes people do go through worse . Look at things in a more positive way , you have a home a good job and partner , you could make friends if you tried maybe start a course or something meet others . We can only sympathize but you need to realize only you can help yourself .

Someone said once if you look at your attitude you are exactly where you should be - I’ve found this to be true .