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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be struggling to accept my new life

466 replies

Dreamegg · 31/03/2023 07:38

I used to have a great life. I've studied and lived/worked abroad, travelled, had great friends. A successful career. I love being outdoors, cycling, hiking etc and I used to be out doing things all the time. Then I lost my job. I had to leave my lovely apartment and had to take a job back in London.

I've been back for 5 years now. I'm 36. For 3 years I've been living in a tiny, grotty flat with my partner next to a busy, loud and polluted main road, which has brought my childhood asthma back. I spend 20+ hours a day in my bedroom (I work remotely 4/5 days a week). I never get space or time to myself - my partner is always at home too. I can't afford to move. In fact I can't afford anything these days. I can't afford to retrain, and don't have the energy. I have no hobbies anymore - I can't do the things I enjoy here (eg. I can't have a bike as i have no space to store it). I'm constantly having to pick up side jobs to pay for unexpected bills or expenses. I have no friends. I'll never have kids.

Life is meant to progress and get better, but I feel like mine is going the opposite way and I'm struggling to accept it. Any advice?

OP posts:
Natalieeeee · 02/04/2023 04:16

Girl, if you need a friend I would gladly take you up on that.
I live on the south coast but I'm a short train journey from London
I literally felt the exact same today and said the same thing almost word for word
anyway pm me and let's grab a coffee and go for a walk 🙂

Heaveno · 02/04/2023 06:20

I’m so sorry you’re going through such a difficult time. I just wanted to say you are not alone, I can totally relate to this as I am going through something very similar myself. My living situation is similar to yours, I’m not earning enough and am job hunting but struggling and to top it off I’ve recently had an accident which has made me very depressed.
I totally agree with the thought process that life is supposed to progress and get better, not worse, but I’ve discovered that life is not like that, there are ups and downs, highs and lows, but when you’re experiencing a low, know that that means the better times are up ahead. Try to have faith that things will get better, because they will, I promise you, they will. Focus on one small thing that could make a difference. Perhaps that’s meeting new people and building friendships. I don’t know where you live but I also live near London, and would be happy to meet up for a coffee with you. I can also suggest ways to find support groups and meet ups with likeminded people.

Thinking2022 · 02/04/2023 07:49

Have you considered joining house sitters uk and try different areas out. Do one thing each day which is positive. Ask your employer if you can work in an office being with people can change the dynamic and just the commute can help lift spirits.

Juced · 02/04/2023 08:19

Surely leaving London would be cheaper and free up some much needed money for a start, can you not maybe start hybrid working so your out of the house some of the time seeing talking to other people! I think you maybe need to start preparing plans to create a different life!

NellyBarney · 02/04/2023 08:29

I'm sorry for your mum, but if you are so unhappy, why don't you go back on an adventure abroad? You could do anything anywhere. You could look for a proper job in your field, or do nannying or odd jobs in any country you fancy. You could do it as a couple. If my dd was unhappy with her life, I would hate it if she hang around just because of me. I would be much happier getting a happy phone call/email from her enjoying life than witnessing her misery on top of my own.

FMDM · 02/04/2023 08:54

Sighhhhh · 31/03/2023 10:24

So apparently you’ve started multiple threads asking for advice on the same issue. You’ve ignored people’s advice but then started another thread and had the cheek to ask “any advice?” Sorry you’re going through what you’re going through but stop wasting people’s time.

It seems this person has been confused with another person who has a similar situation and people are thinking they have made repeated posts about the same problem which they haven’t

Villssev · 02/04/2023 09:10

FMDM · 02/04/2023 08:54

It seems this person has been confused with another person who has a similar situation and people are thinking they have made repeated posts about the same problem which they haven’t

Show quote history

Well, so they say

Scandimama · 02/04/2023 09:16

OP, I feel for you! Sounds very tough.
This may be controversial advice, but - could you consider leaving the UK again and moving abroad? The UK is a rough society to make it in if you don’t have family money/not in the best place etc etc. it’s an ingrained class society with a lot of barriers to social mobility, and especially now as the economy is struggling. (Sorry feel terrible for pointing this out, I love the UK and lived there for 20 years before rerunning to my home country 5 years ago). Many other countries offer better opportunities for changing your life. I left London w my family because we were stuck. Stuck in so many ways and I saw no good ways to improve our quality of life. The move was HARD and it took 3+ years before we were settled in our new country, but looking back it was 100 percent the right move. UK can be fantastic if you managed to get onto a good career path, bought property at the right time etc., but if you haven’t managed any of those, it’s not the best place. Allow yourself to explore again - maybe choose a place with at least better weather, so even if you struggle, you can enjoy more sunshine and maybe nature? The world is a big place - if where you are isn’t working for you, move!

DadBodAlready · 02/04/2023 09:35

Dreamegg · 31/03/2023 07:38

I used to have a great life. I've studied and lived/worked abroad, travelled, had great friends. A successful career. I love being outdoors, cycling, hiking etc and I used to be out doing things all the time. Then I lost my job. I had to leave my lovely apartment and had to take a job back in London.

I've been back for 5 years now. I'm 36. For 3 years I've been living in a tiny, grotty flat with my partner next to a busy, loud and polluted main road, which has brought my childhood asthma back. I spend 20+ hours a day in my bedroom (I work remotely 4/5 days a week). I never get space or time to myself - my partner is always at home too. I can't afford to move. In fact I can't afford anything these days. I can't afford to retrain, and don't have the energy. I have no hobbies anymore - I can't do the things I enjoy here (eg. I can't have a bike as i have no space to store it). I'm constantly having to pick up side jobs to pay for unexpected bills or expenses. I have no friends. I'll never have kids.

Life is meant to progress and get better, but I feel like mine is going the opposite way and I'm struggling to accept it. Any advice?

I get it. I left UK in my mid 20's and ended up spending 25 yrs overseas, in various regions and countries, loved it (except US, sorry). The work/life balance, personal travel, the cultures the lot. Then lost my job through reorg and had to come back to UK to find something else. Its dismal, but it works for the kids schooling (GCSE's, 'A' Levels). All i can suggest is keep trawling job sites and apply for international vacancies. As long as you're not looking for the expat package you could get lucky.

Untitledsquatboulder · 02/04/2023 09:56

I'd still like to know what you do that you'd lose 20-30k by moving away from the SE. That must be some considerable salary you are earning.

Lupita123 · 02/04/2023 10:11

It really shocks and saddens me how many people jump to 'depression'. This is not helpful, you are not medical professionals and no medical professional would diagnose someone on what little information you have concluded on. The OP has perfectly valid reasons for being unhappy, this is not necessarily depression and the first port of call should never be mind-numbing medication. I was possibly a bit harsh in my tone, I should have acknowledged that the reasons are totally valid. What annoys me is the amount of people who post something then dismiss any advice that doesn't suit. You ask for opinions, you'll get them, and they'll be mixed!! But the truth is, you need to start with some lifestyle changes. If you find you're then in a situation where you should be happy: living in a place you love, working at something that interwsts you, surrounded by friends and in a healthy relationship, and you are still not satisfied then maybe then you start considering medical reasons because it's not 'reasonable' to be miserable. Also, nobody is saying you can get your dream life overnight, but you can take steps to a better life. And you also need to consider what help you can be to your mum if you can't help yourself, so take a bit of time to be 'selfish' and look at what you can do for yourself. Because a little bit more happiness in your own life will help you keep moving forwards towards a better, more acceptable future, and will go a long way to helping you help your mum. One thing I can suggest is trying talk therapy, as it sounds like you're very isolated and lonely. You don't need people to talk to with strong opinions, you need someone objective who will listen, support and allow you to work out your own path. I know a few people who have done this because they just couldn't get out of their own head enough to see the bigger picture, or had very opinionated people around them telling them how they should live and feel. You may be able to get a referral foe this if you can't afford to see someone yourself. But if you don't start making some changes, nothing will change. I've often been told positivity breeds positivity and always thought yeah, yeah... but in truth it is always better to look on the bright side and have hope wherever you can, as it doesn't mean you'll sail through life, but at least it might stop you spiralling into a deep depression. And before anyone comments saying I must have had an easy life, I haven't, and I almost spiralled several times, but I found coping mechanisms that allow me to get on with my life and be happy with what I have and deal with the frustrations as they come

Villssev · 02/04/2023 10:21

Untitledsquatboulder · 02/04/2023 09:56

I'd still like to know what you do that you'd lose 20-30k by moving away from the SE. That must be some considerable salary you are earning.

She won’t answer

basically doesn’t answer questions full stop

Original poster
Dreamegg · 02/04/2023 11:14

Untitledsquatboulder · 02/04/2023 09:56

I'd still like to know what you do that you'd lose 20-30k by moving away from the SE. That must be some considerable salary you are earning.

I earn 38k, which is really good for what I do - I work in a generally low paid industry and this is the most I will ever earn. I currently benefit from supplement for my specific skillset which is practically unheard of, so I'm very lucky. Similar jobs outside of London pay around £20k.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dreamegg · 02/04/2023 11:16

Villssev · 02/04/2023 10:21

She won’t answer

basically doesn’t answer questions full stop

Show quote history

I worked this weekend and can't monitor Mumsnet 24/7 unfortunately. I have answered questions about my salary.

OP posts:
Villssev · 02/04/2023 11:19

Dreamegg · 02/04/2023 11:14

I earn 38k, which is really good for what I do - I work in a generally low paid industry and this is the most I will ever earn. I currently benefit from supplement for my specific skillset which is practically unheard of, so I'm very lucky. Similar jobs outside of London pay around £20k.

Show quote history

So you’re saying that if you move up nothing your salary will drop from £38k to…. £8k-£18k? 😂

Villssev · 02/04/2023 11:20

Didn’t you save anything during the years your worked abroad?

Villssev · 02/04/2023 11:20

You lost your job.

what about your partner?

Villssev · 02/04/2023 11:21

Any reason why you can’t cycle or hike in this country?

I live in commuter belt and went for a beautiful 20k cycle this morning

Original poster
Dreamegg · 02/04/2023 11:34

Villssev · 02/04/2023 11:21

Any reason why you can’t cycle or hike in this country?

I live in commuter belt and went for a beautiful 20k cycle this morning

I don't have anywhere to store a bike in my flat. It's a tiny space. Landlord won't let me put a bike rack on the wall inside the flat (understandably). There's nowhere outside to store it - if I locked it up somewhere in the street it would be stolen.
I did hire a bike in the South Downs last summer, it was expensive. After doing that 3-4 times a year I could buy a bike which is frustrating.

OP posts:
JamSandle · 02/04/2023 11:35

I'd just like to say reading some of the advice on this thread has given me a big kick up the ass and lit a fire in my belly. Thank you 👏

NoSquirrels · 02/04/2023 11:37

It seems like the only real barrier to you changing your life is either

a) debt
b) fear of leaving your relationship (if he won’t move with you)
c) depression/inertia

Villssev · 02/04/2023 11:37

how much is your partner on?

did he also lose his job abroad?

do the pair of you not have any savings from your years of working abroad?

Villssev · 02/04/2023 11:38

If hiking is really important to you… you find space. I recall having to literally climb over my flat mates bike in London in order to enter our flat!

Villssev · 02/04/2023 11:40

Biking

MMMarmite · 02/04/2023 11:45

JamSandle · 02/04/2023 11:35

I'd just like to say reading some of the advice on this thread has given me a big kick up the ass and lit a fire in my belly. Thank you 👏

I've also found it quite inspiring :)