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Original poster

To be struggling to accept my new life

466 replies

Dreamegg · 31/03/2023 07:38

I used to have a great life. I've studied and lived/worked abroad, travelled, had great friends. A successful career. I love being outdoors, cycling, hiking etc and I used to be out doing things all the time. Then I lost my job. I had to leave my lovely apartment and had to take a job back in London.

I've been back for 5 years now. I'm 36. For 3 years I've been living in a tiny, grotty flat with my partner next to a busy, loud and polluted main road, which has brought my childhood asthma back. I spend 20+ hours a day in my bedroom (I work remotely 4/5 days a week). I never get space or time to myself - my partner is always at home too. I can't afford to move. In fact I can't afford anything these days. I can't afford to retrain, and don't have the energy. I have no hobbies anymore - I can't do the things I enjoy here (eg. I can't have a bike as i have no space to store it). I'm constantly having to pick up side jobs to pay for unexpected bills or expenses. I have no friends. I'll never have kids.

Life is meant to progress and get better, but I feel like mine is going the opposite way and I'm struggling to accept it. Any advice?

OP posts:
WhoDecidedThat · 01/04/2023 19:03

Dreamegg · 31/03/2023 07:38

I used to have a great life. I've studied and lived/worked abroad, travelled, had great friends. A successful career. I love being outdoors, cycling, hiking etc and I used to be out doing things all the time. Then I lost my job. I had to leave my lovely apartment and had to take a job back in London.

I've been back for 5 years now. I'm 36. For 3 years I've been living in a tiny, grotty flat with my partner next to a busy, loud and polluted main road, which has brought my childhood asthma back. I spend 20+ hours a day in my bedroom (I work remotely 4/5 days a week). I never get space or time to myself - my partner is always at home too. I can't afford to move. In fact I can't afford anything these days. I can't afford to retrain, and don't have the energy. I have no hobbies anymore - I can't do the things I enjoy here (eg. I can't have a bike as i have no space to store it). I'm constantly having to pick up side jobs to pay for unexpected bills or expenses. I have no friends. I'll never have kids.

Life is meant to progress and get better, but I feel like mine is going the opposite way and I'm struggling to accept it. Any advice?

You should move out of London as you’re remote and get a bigger place. You should commute into London once a week on a different day to your partner. We do the same.

CatAndHisKit · 01/04/2023 19:03

Sorry, should be 'The site I use works on exchange basis...' in the last section of my post.

Nikkie85 · 01/04/2023 19:04

Aww sounds like you're feeling a bit bored in your life, it happens to us all, I'm your age and I feel like that sometimes. I've never travelled, I had my children young, I look back on my life sometimes thinking about how much I have missed out on. I'm just starting a career in mental health support, I had no education up until these last 5 years. We all reflect on our life at some point, it's natural. Do you want kids? Has that ever been a thought? It sounds like you have been having an amazing life, you've just hit a bump in the road. Do you consider your partner a life partner? Have you talked to your partner about how you feel? We all get nostalgic from time to time, but it's important to remember that if these thoughts are getting you down then please consider speaking to your GP incase it becoming depression.
Sending you lots of love 💖

Tricey · 01/04/2023 19:07

Find a homeopath; homeopathy can help with physical health as well as mindset, which may help you move toward finding your way back or forward to where you'd like to "be."

Tiaptia85 · 01/04/2023 19:11

Life is a rollercoaster. When you get down, the only way is up.

Hang in there, it will get better.

Peony26 · 01/04/2023 19:15

I’m afraid you’re going to have to be proactive here and change your life if you’re unhappy with it, it’s not just about money there are ways around it. Nothing will get better if you don’t make it happen

Iseestupidpeople · 01/04/2023 19:16

MOVE OUT OF LONDON! remote workers do not need to live in London, it will cheaper to travel in the 1 day you are in the office!

Angliski · 01/04/2023 19:17

If you work from home you’ve no need to be in london.

do you have an idea of the life you want to experience? It’s easier to make choices when you know what you are heading towards?

Do you want to be a parent- have you had that discussion? Don’t wait too long, I did and I am lucky to have one ds but would have loved more.

BeverlyHa · 01/04/2023 19:18

I came to the UK for travel, fun and a bit of money, did not plan to stay, met a guy, lived for a year in a tiny flat on a busy road in London, had asthma too, a year later moved out of London, it was 1 bed, now two bedrooms and have a child, have a small job, we live happily and life goes on.

Change the job, the man or the flat in any order and try a life in another way, another town with someone who wants to have a family with you. All my blessings and prayers.

CZP22 · 01/04/2023 19:30

Dreamegg · 31/03/2023 07:38

I used to have a great life. I've studied and lived/worked abroad, travelled, had great friends. A successful career. I love being outdoors, cycling, hiking etc and I used to be out doing things all the time. Then I lost my job. I had to leave my lovely apartment and had to take a job back in London.

I've been back for 5 years now. I'm 36. For 3 years I've been living in a tiny, grotty flat with my partner next to a busy, loud and polluted main road, which has brought my childhood asthma back. I spend 20+ hours a day in my bedroom (I work remotely 4/5 days a week). I never get space or time to myself - my partner is always at home too. I can't afford to move. In fact I can't afford anything these days. I can't afford to retrain, and don't have the energy. I have no hobbies anymore - I can't do the things I enjoy here (eg. I can't have a bike as i have no space to store it). I'm constantly having to pick up side jobs to pay for unexpected bills or expenses. I have no friends. I'll never have kids.

Life is meant to progress and get better, but I feel like mine is going the opposite way and I'm struggling to accept it. Any advice?

So hard to just get up and move I know :( but don't give up! X dream of the life you want and work towards it. Save every penny and pound you can spare, tell yourself it may take a while but you're working towards it. Get out of London and go north. Much cheaper. It may take a while but in the meantime can you get out of London at weekends? Get a cheap tent off Facebook market place and get into nature x it sounds like you thrive on being in nature so don't resign yourself to London and a small flat makes every change you get to get into nature count x

Mhurren · 01/04/2023 19:33

You work remotely why not move to Essex or Suffolk. It's a cheaper lifestyle with countryside etc. Im lost as to why your staying in London if you don't enjoy it. You can commute in under an hour if you need to head to the office.

M

Topsyturveymam · 01/04/2023 19:34

You need to prioritise what’s important in your life and she’d anything which is getting in the way of this.
I did this when I was in my mid 30’s. If you want it enough you’ll make it happen …if you don’t you’ll cul de sac yourself, so the only choice will be staying where you are.

I left London and took a pay drop, but I moved out to a lovely rural village and my quality of life is so much better.

Lupita123 · 01/04/2023 19:42

To be perfectly honest you sound like you don't really want to help yourself. You asked for advice but seem to have bulldozed anyone's suggestions. You can't have it all, that's life. If you hate where you are, move. You say you'll pay more in travel so swings and roundabouts, this is BS as the amount you'd save on rent would mean break even or saving money. The commute might be a pain the couple of days but if you are able to have hobbies again and be outdoors who cares?! I know loads of people at work (city of london) who have moved further out from London commuter belt. They took the opportunity when covid happened, and we were all at home. Now we have to be in the office 3-4 days a week, and they still don't regret it. As the saying goes, shit or get off the pot... It also sounds like your relationship has stagnated and this may be part of the problem, or your situation is affecting it. Either way, the only way things can change is if you make a change. You say you won't have kids but not if it's a choice or you can't. If it's that you can't and wanted them then I really feel for you as i thought for years we'd never get there. But if it's not that you can't and it's something you really want, you find a way. I had my first just before 36 and having a second now, and I'm not alone by any means. My colleague was 38 and 42 when she had hers

nannykatherine · 01/04/2023 19:44

I think you are stuck because inside your head you keep telling yourself you are .
make a list with Partner of WHY
you are where you are and what you both want then try achieve it .

this alone will help
lift your mood
take back control

you do not need to live where you are not happy

mozzierella · 01/04/2023 19:48

Where do you live at the mo? Where did you live before?

Fluffmum · 01/04/2023 19:49

Move if you’re working from home.

EarthSight · 01/04/2023 19:51

@Dottie321b I assume working from home is out of the question due to your mum's needs? So sorry to hear about your situation.

Forgooodnesssakenow · 01/04/2023 19:54

Tricey · 01/04/2023 19:07

Find a homeopath; homeopathy can help with physical health as well as mindset, which may help you move toward finding your way back or forward to where you'd like to "be."

Homeopathy is nonsense based on nonsense pedalling nonsense only for the good of the nonsense pedallers pocket.

drumandthebass · 01/04/2023 20:04

Forgooodnesssakenow · 01/04/2023 19:54

Homeopathy is nonsense based on nonsense pedalling nonsense only for the good of the nonsense pedallers pocket.

Show quote history

agree

Forgooodnesssakenow · 01/04/2023 20:05

drumandthebass · 01/04/2023 20:04

agree

Show quote history

I did get a bit carried away with my sentence though 😂

Tricey · 01/04/2023 20:11

Just a bit. 😂

Gemcat1 · 01/04/2023 20:14

It sounds like depression and a first stop would be the doctor for short-term antidepressants and, possibly, counselling. It's hard to go backwards but it's happened to people I know and to my younger son. You have to pick yourself up and look for something else, perhaps discuss it with an agency. Also, to get yourself out and start on meeting people, try volunteering. It doesn't have to be for long periods, it can be for as much time as you feel up to offering.

thegreenjudy · 01/04/2023 20:17

Have you considered making a flexible work request to work 100% from home? You are entitled to by law - your employer has a form which then needs to go via HR, your manager can't just fob you off. Of course they can say no but in this kind of market many companies like to hold on to their staff.

Alternatively, have you considered changing jobs? I am working from home 100%. There are plenty of companies looking for good staff right now and they are willing to pay more, too and possibly let you work from home.

I know you might feel loyal to your company or feel scared of change but how about you just start applying to see what options you have and gain some confidence?

I live up North and am on a comfortable salary, I wouldn't focus too much on the London wages, the reason why they are higher is the ridiculous cost of living down south. If your mum has MS can you move closer to her and maybe even use that as a reason for your flexible work request? Wink wink? (That's essentially what I did when we had to move from Sheffield back to the North West. I kept my job and even had a payrise)

It's a matter of confidence more than anything else and women don't like negotiating (at least I don't..lol)

CZP22 · 01/04/2023 20:17

It sounds like you're suffering from depression and came on here looking for some support and some friendly people to be your friends for the evening. Unfortunately this site can be extremely toxic :( I've read most of the comments and you're either being asked to explain yourself or you're being dismissed.

I'm sorry you're feeling down in the dumps. Things will get better, like I said in a previous reply just make little changes and little goals. Every spare pound/ 10p you get goes into your dream pot. Work towards the life you want.. get out of London at weekends and get outside x

Passenger42 · 01/04/2023 20:24

There are lots of positives in that you have a partner, massive tick , and you are only 36 so can still have kids. If you are employed and they have good maternity benefIts can you start looking at renting outside of London. The Elizabeth line goes out a far way, what is keeping you in your current place. Or start looking at new careers outside of London.