AIBU to be a bit fed up of planning everything around a friends toddlers nap?

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So our friend has 1 DS age 19 months. We have two DDs age 2 and 6. They have made it so their child can only sleep in his cot in the pitch black silence.

I do understand everyone does their own thing… but I find it quite often frustrating. I probably feel this way because I didn’t plan anything around either of my DCs naps. They slept wherever we were.

AIBU to feel slightly fed up we can never plan a whole day somewhere because of it? I think it would be different if we lived locally or doing park trips but they live about 1 hour 30 from us so going all that way to be told at 12:30 we have to leave as he needs a nap is a bit annoying. (No one allowed in the house whilst he’s sleeping).

Maybe time to just accept right now we can’t do too much together until the time when their child stops sleeping in the day?!

I'm quite surprised at how many people here are/were so strict about naps in the cot in the house at the exact time every day. I can't imagine never needing to leave the house during that time frame, for 2 years, or let people in (what if you needed to call out a plumber/had any work in the house?) What if you had another baby that didn't sleep at prescribed nap time would they also need to leave the house?

I'm not saying this from a place of smugness my first DC didn't sleep a whole night til they were 6, and weren't great at naps either.

Fizbosshoes
I know some people who were obsessive about their DC naps and schedule because they had PFB syndrome and others who were fairly relaxed as parents but found that was the best way for their child to have a nap.

The second group generally accepted it was awkward to do things for a period of time until naps settled, but they'd also generally be quite happy to have a coffee downstairs at home while DC napped.

The first group tended to assume the world had to revolve around their child's nap, so they expected to still be involved in everything, but also expected everyone else (and their children) to make all the effort to prioritise one DC above everyone else.

For me the routine worked, and after a couple of weeks DC was going 12 hours plus naps so not doing it was never an option. My sleep is vital! It's restrictive, but not impossible, its never been an issue. For me, knowing I could relax at 7pm was always worth the hassle.

Yep I found this extremely annoying. But think some people find this makes them feel in control.
Personally I used to bung my kids in the buggy and let them nap there.

I also had friends who NEVER let their kids eat in the car. I just don't understand the need for that level of control. I guess their lives must be pretty anxious 🤷🏻‍♀️

I also never wanted to meet my friend at 9 in soft play! I'd take it easy and head over late morning.
The sleep training, bottle feeding l, no screens were also not me. But they helped some of my friends stay sane.

We are all different.

It's the premise of SWMNBN

The first edition even said that if you weren't the sort of people who had a routine before, you needed to change as it was necessary for baby care.

I think even she had that line taken out of subsequent editions

God almighty yes it's extremely annoying. Saturday lunch. They can't possibly come over between 12.30 and 3 as the kid napped. We live within 5 minutes drive and our location is silent. We had a spare room with blackout blinds. Nope. Must be at home
We'd rearrange lunch for 3pm to accommodate them. Everyone was gasping for food. We'd start at 3 with no sign of them. They'd then pitch up at 3.30 and not eat a thing as 'they'd eaten while the baby slept'.
By that that time the sun was so low in the sky the shades were useless and we'd eat cold food while being burnt to a crisp by the sun.
Stopped inviting them. Fuck that.

This thread is nuts. Neither of mine have slept through until around 2 years old so I really understand that it’s amazing to have 2 hours of peace and quiet at lunch time. My second gets to do that two days a week while his sister is at school. The other days we have to fit in seeing family/ DDs activities etc that happen to fall across the perfect nap time. So sometimes that means missing the nap, a short 30 mins nap in the car, two short naps one day etc etc. Yes it’s harder on me but I couldn’t not live my life for 2 years. I feel sorry for the child with such a regimented routine. How do they take him out for the day? Has he never been to the zoo?! I can’t see how this works in real life. What would they do if they have a second?

Just accept it's for a short period and it's what they want to do.

You're a friend, not the other parent, so them coming with you on whole days out isnt really that big of a deal, just go with your own family.

Some people manage severe anxiety with rules so even if you dont see it that might be going on. But even if that itlsnt the case, and I say this without a tone, it's really nothing to do with you. Their parenting style osnt there for your convenience.

Different parenting styles. Not your place to judge.

Howe er I would say no to a three hour round trip for (presumably) a 2 ish hour visit. She's saying no to coming to you or meeting half way. You say no to coming to her. That may mean you don't meet for a while and will need to make do with phone calls.

YANBU - I was having this conversation with a friend the other day. I remember inviting one of our friends over years ago, before we had kids, for lunch. They said "ahh great, we'll get to you for 9.30 to have lunch at 10.30 so we can be home for nap time at 12." We didn't see them for years... in their case it wasn't actually about the child - she could have slept anywhere (and did absolutely fine when being looked after by other people!) but it was actually about control. They'd realised that they could take charge of a situation and be in control by making these bizarre demands around their children. Could this be why you're so frustrated as you see it's not really about the child?

OP, sorry if I've missed it, but have you answered why you can't travel down during their DC's naptime, have dinner there and then head home at bedtime with your DC in their pjs?

Yes, we can. But every single time? My frustration is there is no flexibility… she’s not willing to meet half way or come to us, so it’s always us going to them. Her son is also 19 months, not a newborn or very small baby.

Ok OP but why do you have to do meet ups with the kids? It doesn’t work for either family so why do you all have to meet up, not just you and your friend and leave the dcs with their other parents?

Whenever I suggested doing something without the children she makes an excuse or a kind of not committal answer. I don’t think she likes to leave her child. He doesn’t go to nursery and she doesn’t like to leave him. I just accepted that, it’s hard for her to leave.

I just suggested it since it would give you more time and be less rushed than travelling in the morning. They're clearly not going to flex on the nap thing, for whatever reason, and that's their right even if you think it's insane.

So you can either work around it (in which case afternoons might work better) or meet without kids, or just leave it for now. You don't really have any other options.

Have you ever explicitly told your friend that it’s inconvenient to always be the one travelling for 3 hours to meet up?

Have you considered that she does not particularly want to see you at this time? Maybe she has other things going on? Maybe she is stressed? Maybe she is strapped for cash?

When my kids were younger, and if some friends suggested meeting up, I would suggest meeting near my house as an alternative to giving an outright no. While it was nice to see them, I didn’t care if they came or not.

I don’t think you’re BU as there’s no attempt on her part to offer any flexibility/ acknowledge the inconvenience you’re putting yourself through for her.

My DC was one of those ‘cot only’ children, this was mainly because of our preferences to be honest. He did have pram naps when we met friends for days out though. And I would never kick someone who had travelled out of my home for nap time.

I think you can be honest here. Next time she asks you to visit, say the travelling time and short visit isn’t working for your 2 year old. See what she says.

It does all paint a picture of someone who is struggling a bit with motherhood and finds that keeping everything controlled helps her cope. I can relate to that a bit, it's not easy. If this were one of my closest friends I'd be a bit worried. An acquaintance and I'd be drifting. I guess you need to decide where your line is and how much emotional energy you have to expend here.

I’d consider that if she wasn’t trying to meet up, but she is. It’s not just me somehow pressuring. She wants to get the kids together, as do I. But the frustration comes from her limitations on our meet ups.

OP, why won't you acknowledge the posters saying you don't have to keep seeing her? Why not concentrate on like minded people?

Well then, if I was in your place, Id accept that communication will be via phone for the foreseeable future.

If she suggests meeting up, just say you will meet her at a half way location and to let you know when suits her. Leave the ball in her court.

Your friend sounds anxious and/or potentially this is what her child needs. Personally I would accommodate this. Just like your kids can go to sleep anywhere, her kid doesn't - so why not accommodate this difference? It seems such a small and short lived thing. I'm curious as to what's under the frustration you feel? What is it about her kids sleeping pattern that annoys you?

I would be open and say you would love to meet up but with DC rigid nap time it isn’t really viable at the moment.

Its entirely up to her how she parents her child and arranges nap time.

But It’s not reasonable to expect you to drive to her house with your children and then be forced to leave because her kid has to have an empty house to nap in. That is crazy….

Just point out that you totally respect her parenting decisions but they make it impossible for you to visit, and nap time won’t last forever.