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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be a bit fed up of planning everything around a friends toddlers nap?

284 replies

Abcdef12 · 30/03/2023 19:17

So our friend has 1 DS age 19 months. We have two DDs age 2 and 6. They have made it so their child can only sleep in his cot in the pitch black silence.

I do understand everyone does their own thing… but I find it quite often frustrating. I probably feel this way because I didn’t plan anything around either of my DCs naps. They slept wherever we were.

AIBU to feel slightly fed up we can never plan a whole day somewhere because of it? I think it would be different if we lived locally or doing park trips but they live about 1 hour 30 from us so going all that way to be told at 12:30 we have to leave as he needs a nap is a bit annoying. (No one allowed in the house whilst he’s sleeping).

Maybe time to just accept right now we can’t do too much together until the time when their child stops sleeping in the day?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Abcdef12 · 31/03/2023 10:13

Sparklybutold · 31/03/2023 10:06

Your friend sounds anxious and/or potentially this is what her child needs. Personally I would accommodate this. Just like your kids can go to sleep anywhere, her kid doesn't - so why not accommodate this difference? It seems such a small and short lived thing. I'm curious as to what's under the frustration you feel? What is it about her kids sleeping pattern that annoys you?

Nothing about her sons sleeping pattern annoys me, he’s a child.

My frustration comes from the fact her expectation is my children are doing a 3 hour round trip to visit her, then being told to leave for sleep time. The child is 19 months, I also have a toddler.

OP posts:
Original poster
Abcdef12 · 31/03/2023 10:15

Ktime · 31/03/2023 10:03

OP, why won't you acknowledge the posters saying you don't have to keep seeing her? Why not concentrate on like minded people?

Sorry I am trying to there’s just so many posts and it feels right to answer questions from those wondering why I feel the way I feel etc than if I only replied to those agreeing with me or like minded etc as it would look like I’m ignoring any opinion different to my own- hope that makes sense 🫣

But thank you to all of those who have made me see it’s not just me and that my feelings of maybe to cool off for a bit whilst it’s not working for both is good xx

OP posts:
RidingMyBike · 31/03/2023 10:19

We used to do this - in the context of other stuff going on too meant potentially mucking up naps for half the days DD was with us/not at nursery each week. So it's not just one isolated day that's annoying for you, but other meet ups with relatives/friends etc. If we'd adjusted for all of those meet ups and activities she'd not have napped and would have been unbearable.And bedtime then becomes much more difficult as she's overtired.

DD napped later - 2pm onwards so we'd do morning and lunch activities. But TBH I needed that two hours off in the afternoon for a break. It only lasted a few years, I'd just go with it until the kid drops naps. We had a weird 1-2 year period when some of her friends dropped naps but she hadn't and the parents wanted to meet up but we stuck with mornings/lunch.

RidingMyBike · 31/03/2023 10:23

As for the travelling for a day - I'd have timed it so we left at around 2pm, DD would fall asleep in car and I'd then transfer her to cot when we got home. Whilst she would fall asleep in buggy or car seat it would only be for half an hour or so whereas she'd do a solid two hours in the cot and needed it.

We just didn't do 'days out' to more expensive places until she was about four and dropped naps. Cheaper places for morning/lunch or an annual pass where you can just drop in for a couple of hours.

daverday · 31/03/2023 10:27

Arrange to meet up in about 30 years time when their child finally moves out.

LimeCheesecake · 31/03/2023 10:39

OP - you are going to have to be firmer - you might like the dcs to meet up, but why? They are too young to properly play together, more along side and your 6 year old isn’t going to be playing with her 19 month old - it could be you would love it if they grew up to be great friends, but park that idea for 2 years.

tell her the drive doesn’t work for your dcs, so options, just you come over, she comes to you alone, you both meet somewhere half way for an evening meet up without kids.

you going there isn’t working for you. So say so. If she’s never left her dc for the day/ to go out for a few hours without him, then perhaps this is the push she needs to make that leap.

SkyandSurf · 31/03/2023 10:42

Is this a British thing?

So many people on this forum seem to get worked up internally rather than just have a conversation.

Next time, just say- 'Id love to see you but travelling that far for a short visit doesn't work for us. Let me know when you're able to get out and about a bit more.'

And leave it with her.

You don't need to judge her or fret. Just decide you're not doing it and out the ball back in her court.

Ndhdiwntbsivnwg · 31/03/2023 19:20

What an amazing friend you are… Full of judgement and very selfish.

Newnamenewname109870 · 31/03/2023 19:22

Abcdef12 · 30/03/2023 19:37

Thanks for answers so far it’s interesting!

I think my frustration comes from the fact they won’t travel for a day trip due to the nap, so that rules that out and for us to go to them it’s an hour and a half drive, to then stay until the child naps. It’s a long way to take our children for a short space of time, but they don’t understand this and think we should which is probably my frustration.

My feelings at the moment are to let them do what they need to do but stop trying to organise something that equally doesn’t work for us.

Yeah I didn’t bother when my son was that young tbh

Fizbosshoes · 31/03/2023 19:36

Ndhdiwntbsivnwg · 31/03/2023 19:20

What an amazing friend you are… Full of judgement and very selfish.

How is it selfish that OP is expected to do a 3 hr round trip (with her own young children) any time they want to meet up (which seems a mutual agreement rather than OP foisting herself upon the friend) when friends child can sleep in the car but they prefer them not to...?

Although as lots of PPs have said its probably easier to say it's not convenient to meet

Original poster
Abcdef12 · 31/03/2023 19:39

Fizbosshoes · 31/03/2023 19:36

How is it selfish that OP is expected to do a 3 hr round trip (with her own young children) any time they want to meet up (which seems a mutual agreement rather than OP foisting herself upon the friend) when friends child can sleep in the car but they prefer them not to...?

Although as lots of PPs have said its probably easier to say it's not convenient to meet

Show quote history

Thank you!

Honestly, some comments like that I just don’t get. I was asking about my frustration. I am not selfish or judgemental to my friend.

OP posts:
BabyTa · 31/03/2023 20:46

Get new friends

Battyfumworts · 01/04/2023 08:40

thirdistheonewiththehairychest · 30/03/2023 19:33

You are very lucky to have had 2 DC who happily sleep anywhere. My oldest would only sleep in the pitch black in her cot and it was a nightmare. I have memories of taking babies out for a walk in their prams with some fellow new mums and their babies all slept. Mine screamed. I guarantee your friends feels more trapped by her DC's naptimes than you do.

So lucky, not all children can nap anywhere and sometimes there is a reason for it. Mine didn’t nap until almost a year old, we tried everything to get to sleep in the pushchair, car etc, just wouldn't work and the result would be a constantly screaming baby, it was stressful and we couldn’t go out and enjoy anything. Up to 12 months there were allergies and reflux that meant having to hold all day, this definitely affected the ability to nap anywhere but a dark quiet room later on. So when I was lucky enough to get nap times I grabbed hold and appreciated finally being able to rest or work for a few hours a day.

One thing that really helped us be able to have people around without waking or just to get some jobs done was a myhummy white noise bear. Perhaps suggest they try something like that, but they may just really value or rely on the space they get at nap time.

Stick to half day activities, the naps will be over before you know it.

Noodles1234 · 01/04/2023 15:50

Shrug it off, maybe they’re completely sleep deprived and trying in vain to get a routine in.

mine just slept where we were, buggy, car etc. Life goes on and in my view best to get them to accept to sleeping wherever.

maybe your friend is anxious, nervous etc, give it time and leave them to have their thing, she’ll probably move on from it at some point realising how penned in she is.

WimpoleHat · 01/04/2023 18:13

She wants to get the kids together, as do I

But she wants to do that on her own terms. For her own convenience - and in a way that suits her and her child. Perfectly reasonable for you to want the same. And if those terms don’t match and there’s no compromise, it can’t happen.

Lcb123 · 01/04/2023 18:20

seems a bit OTT you can’t go there for the day, and baby just goes off for nap in their room. I’d personally stop making an effort for a while. Or if you really want to see them, go there and pop out for walk or coffee whilst it naps?

wizzywig · 01/04/2023 18:27

Op you could pretend your kids also have a schedule?

BMrs · 01/04/2023 19:47

I can totally understand why you're frustrated but to give it another perspective, my second child would not nap anywhere but at home in his cot in the pitch black. I couldn't even put him down for a nap until he was 8 months and if he ever missed a nap he was a nightmare and it wasn't fun for anyone.

It's really hard when you parent a child like this but we had people over at the house while he slept too!

CherryCokeFanatic · 01/04/2023 19:50

@Abcdef12 just stop visiting then. 3 hours is a long time to travel for short visits. Tell your friends that and say you hope you can meet in the future when their child is up for a full day out somewhere with you

Problem solved.

Herecomestreble1 · 01/04/2023 19:53

This post has made it really easy to see how parents who do not have high needs babies, cannot understand those who do.

LolaSmiles · 01/04/2023 20:06

This post has made it really easy to see how parents who do not have high needs babies, cannot understand those who do.
Depends on how the parents act in my experience.
I've had friends with high needs babies and they accepted that for a while they had to shift their expectations and dial back the social things. No issues there at all.
Some parents unfortunately seem to think that other parents and other children should bend over backwards because their baby is the only baby in the world who has a nap. They expect every else to facilitate a social life as normal, whilst prioritising one baby over everyone else. I suspect these parents wonder why people get fed up after a while.

mamabear199 · 01/04/2023 20:11

As a mum who's baby has really struggled with sleep and also only sleeps in complete darkness in his cot, I kind of sympathise with your friend. If you friend has really struggled with sleep also then you could understand why she's precious about it - once you've got it down, you don't wanna F It up essentially.

BUT not having guests in her house while her DC is asleep! Come on...

Forgooodnesssakenow · 01/04/2023 20:28

My eldest was a sleep anywhere kid and I shared your views op, my youngest from a few weeks old would only settle at night in the dark and quiet then when reducing naps would only nap in the dark and quiet. At 20 months I can now get her to sleep in her buggy but always much later than at home so needs to be exhausted and throws bedtime off. I do it it benefits our eldest ro be out but I prefer getting her home for Naptime for everyones sanity and honestly my eld st benefits from an hours quiet time after lunch too and has a much better afternoon for it. So now I judge less because kids are in some respects pre programmed for sleep pattern preference

WimpoleHat · 01/04/2023 20:29

This post has made it really easy to see how parents who do not have high needs babies, cannot understand those who do.

I think that’s a stretch. OP isn’t complaining that this friend has said “I’m sorry, but we can’t meet up for a while because our baby has a rigid routine which can’t be shifted”. She could understand that. Sympathise with it as well. What she’s objecting to is the insistence that she and her children organise themselves around this rigid routine, even if it’s to their own detriment. That’s a very different thing.

nomoremerlot · 02/04/2023 07:00

WimpoleHat · 01/04/2023 20:29

This post has made it really easy to see how parents who do not have high needs babies, cannot understand those who do.

I think that’s a stretch. OP isn’t complaining that this friend has said “I’m sorry, but we can’t meet up for a while because our baby has a rigid routine which can’t be shifted”. She could understand that. Sympathise with it as well. What she’s objecting to is the insistence that she and her children organise themselves around this rigid routine, even if it’s to their own detriment. That’s a very different thing.

But it's not insistence, OP just says sooty that doesn't work for us.

The same way friend is,

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