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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be a bit fed up of planning everything around a friends toddlers nap?

284 replies

Abcdef12 · 30/03/2023 19:17

So our friend has 1 DS age 19 months. We have two DDs age 2 and 6. They have made it so their child can only sleep in his cot in the pitch black silence.

I do understand everyone does their own thing… but I find it quite often frustrating. I probably feel this way because I didn’t plan anything around either of my DCs naps. They slept wherever we were.

AIBU to feel slightly fed up we can never plan a whole day somewhere because of it? I think it would be different if we lived locally or doing park trips but they live about 1 hour 30 from us so going all that way to be told at 12:30 we have to leave as he needs a nap is a bit annoying. (No one allowed in the house whilst he’s sleeping).

Maybe time to just accept right now we can’t do too much together until the time when their child stops sleeping in the day?!

OP posts:
Katieandthekids · 30/03/2023 22:32

I am not sure saying they've made it like that is fair. My twins would only nap in their pram (during lockdown, helped me loose the baby weight marching them around) but my little one now, blissfully, naps best in her cot. I really love the time I can spend with her older sisters doing some quiet activities or, when they are not there just sat watching tv. Nap time is sacred. Leave them to it he'll be dropping naps in 6 months or so.

Katieandthekids · 30/03/2023 22:33

Abcdef12 · 30/03/2023 19:37

Thanks for answers so far it’s interesting!

I think my frustration comes from the fact they won’t travel for a day trip due to the nap, so that rules that out and for us to go to them it’s an hour and a half drive, to then stay until the child naps. It’s a long way to take our children for a short space of time, but they don’t understand this and think we should which is probably my frustration.

My feelings at the moment are to let them do what they need to do but stop trying to organise something that equally doesn’t work for us.

Yes this. Just leave it until the kid is older don't put yourselves and your kids out for them x

RobertJohnsonsShoes · 30/03/2023 22:35

YABU. my Dd only napped in her cot in the pitch black and I'm not pretentious. She didn't sleep at night and if she didn't nap it made life really difficult. If you don't like it, don't hang out with her. What's the problem?

Happyhappyday · 30/03/2023 22:37

@HermioneKipper My bad!! It has its major downsides, we were trapped in the house 11-3 every day until recently and her behavior is ATROCIOUS if she doesn’t get enough sleep, and the bar is high… current favorite is yelling “you’re a baddie mummy, you’re a baddie. You’re a bad mummy. You’re horrible” if she is woken up too early or tired. But yes, we are lucky for the most part.

HermioneKipper · 30/03/2023 22:39

Happyhappyday · 30/03/2023 22:37

@HermioneKipper My bad!! It has its major downsides, we were trapped in the house 11-3 every day until recently and her behavior is ATROCIOUS if she doesn’t get enough sleep, and the bar is high… current favorite is yelling “you’re a baddie mummy, you’re a baddie. You’re a bad mummy. You’re horrible” if she is woken up too early or tired. But yes, we are lucky for the most part.

Haha sorry I should’ve put a winky face!

just jealous of all that lovely peace!

But yes does make longer days out very tricky!

crew2022 · 30/03/2023 22:44

@GrinAndVomit
Happy to since you asked.
Don't expect friends to drive 1.5 hours and then insist they leave because your child can't nap in peace.
Let your children learn to sleep in different situations
The only people I know who ever had problems with a baby's or toddler not sleeping were the ones who insisted on complete silence and strict routines. Literally all the more relaxed parents had children who slept (or didn't) more flexibly but it didn't stop the parents getting on with their life and their friends.

whynotwhatknot · 30/03/2023 23:25

i dont get the he sleeps n the car so we cant come

whats wrong with sleeping in the car that could be his nap time

saraclara · 30/03/2023 23:29

IAmTheWalrus85 · 30/03/2023 22:16

PS. I also don’t find it that astonishing that they want you to leave for his nap. If it’s a small house I can imagine that a 2yo and a 6yo could easily wake him.

I hope they're not planning to have any more children then!

saraclara · 30/03/2023 23:32

So just say "Sorry, that doesn't work for me or my children. It's not fair to put them in the car for such a long time for a short visit".

Yep. That's better than my earlier suggestion. It makes it clear that your toddler matters too.

GrinAndVomit · 31/03/2023 06:46

Happyhappyday · 30/03/2023 22:37

@HermioneKipper My bad!! It has its major downsides, we were trapped in the house 11-3 every day until recently and her behavior is ATROCIOUS if she doesn’t get enough sleep, and the bar is high… current favorite is yelling “you’re a baddie mummy, you’re a baddie. You’re a bad mummy. You’re horrible” if she is woken up too early or tired. But yes, we are lucky for the most part.

Wow. You should write a book.
Groundbreaking stuff.

GrinAndVomit · 31/03/2023 06:46

GrinAndVomit · 31/03/2023 06:46

Wow. You should write a book.
Groundbreaking stuff.

Show quote history

Oops! Not you @HermioneKipper !

GrinAndVomit · 31/03/2023 06:47

crew2022 · 30/03/2023 22:44

@GrinAndVomit
Happy to since you asked.
Don't expect friends to drive 1.5 hours and then insist they leave because your child can't nap in peace.
Let your children learn to sleep in different situations
The only people I know who ever had problems with a baby's or toddler not sleeping were the ones who insisted on complete silence and strict routines. Literally all the more relaxed parents had children who slept (or didn't) more flexibly but it didn't stop the parents getting on with their life and their friends.

Wow. You should write a book.
Groundbreaking stuff.

😃😃 that’s better

35965a · 31/03/2023 07:09

crew2022 · 30/03/2023 22:44

@GrinAndVomit
Happy to since you asked.
Don't expect friends to drive 1.5 hours and then insist they leave because your child can't nap in peace.
Let your children learn to sleep in different situations
The only people I know who ever had problems with a baby's or toddler not sleeping were the ones who insisted on complete silence and strict routines. Literally all the more relaxed parents had children who slept (or didn't) more flexibly but it didn't stop the parents getting on with their life and their friends.

Maybe they were relaxed parents because they were getting some actual sleep 😂

Original poster
Abcdef12 · 31/03/2023 07:18

Some very different and interesting responses.
To respond to a few points…

Someone suggested I was being ‘bitchy’- this is mumsnet I’m asking for advice on a forum.

Lots seem to be catching on the fact I said they’ve made their child that way. That might not be the way for everyone, but they did make their child that way and admit that. They said they wanted it so their child only sleeps in her room as my friend wants a strict routine. The child is not a bad sleeper or up all night. To give you an idea she will only feed him at set times, bath is exactly the same time every night, tv time is the same time every day. It’s a rigid routine they have created. Which is what they want. That’s just what they do.

OP posts:
Chessetchelsea · 31/03/2023 07:27

You must be friends with SIL. We’d drive to see them (3 hours away) and then have to take ours out to hang out in the freezing cold park so their little precious could have a nap. Never met a more molly-coddled child. It’s actually quite disturbing as they’ve got older.

Chessetchelsea · 31/03/2023 07:29

@Abcdef12 - you’re absolutely right. They have made their child this way.

Teafor1please · 31/03/2023 07:35

I have friends who are stuck in this very rigid nap in the cot 12-2 stage. This means they only want to meet at 3pm. But I have two children, they have one. I don't want to meet at 3pm an hour away from home, when at 6pm I want to be doing dinner, bath and bed. I was the first in my friendship group to have children and basically made my dd fit in with everyone else. Now my friends have started having children, I have to fit in with their nap schedules. Drives me mad.

Ragwort · 31/03/2023 07:36

I do appreciate it must be frustrating but why are you so obsessed with meeting up? Just accept that friendships change over time, if she will only invite you before 12.30 or after 3.30 (or whatever) you just have to say 'sorry that doesn't work for us'. She can't insist on you visiting her ... just as you can't insist on her changing the nap schedule.

Find more flexible friends.

LimeCheesecake · 31/03/2023 07:39

Abcdef12 · 30/03/2023 22:00

But what about my kids? Should I always be the one to travel with my toddler too because she won’t?

Show quote history

again OP - why do you need to take your dc with you to see her? Are you a single parent?

she is not being flexible about naps, you are not being flexible about only doing things as a family unit. I have noticed it’s only woman who have this “my social life must always include my children” attitude.

if you have a DP / days your dcs are with their dad, arrange to meet just her. Say “it doesn’t work for your dc to be out due to naps and my two aren’t coping with the drive but I’d love to see you, shall we go for lunch/dinner/a day out just us?”

GrinAndVomit · 31/03/2023 07:40

Sleep is integral to a baby’s growth, development and wellbeing.
It’s such a weird thing to shit on parents who schedule around it. It’s like shitting on parents who ensure their children eat healthily.

No one is forcing anyone to go anywhere or drive any amount of time. You are perfectly capable of saying “no”
and laying boundaries just as the other parent has done.

AuntieStella · 31/03/2023 07:40

Maybe time to just accept right now we can’t do too much together until the time when their child stops sleeping in the day?!

Yes. Different people's families work in different ways, and it's not uncommon for them to be incompatible from time to time (as you may find out when your DC take up something like club football or squad gymnastics and you have to fit round those schedules).

Keep in touch in other ways during the periods it doesn't work. And enjoy the times when it does.

WaltzingWaters · 31/03/2023 07:41

Assuming you mean 90 mins drive each way? No way I’d be driving all that way with two young kids for what I’m guessing is only an hour or so at their place, it’s not fair on your kids. If her kid needs that nap in his bed your friend could at least let you stay and feed your kids lunch there, let them have quiet time watching tv or something.
but as she won’t let that happen I’d stop meeting until her kid has outgrown naps and they’re willing to be more flexible, meeting you for longer or half way.

Antiquiteas · 31/03/2023 07:43

I’d stop bothering with them at all. And if they ask why, tell them honestly.

mrshenny · 31/03/2023 08:04

My daughter was a cot napper because she had so much FOMO out and about. When she turned two she dropped her nap completely. I would not have expected what your friend is expecting of you and personally I wouldn't travel that far for the morning. Maybe go out for lunch and then go back and meet them after the nap if you do travel. However I wouldn't be doing that regularly. No chance! You could tell your friend the travelling is too tiring for your little one just to come for a couple of hours, she may offer a suggestion or not but she should be understanding that you can't come.

chronictonic · 31/03/2023 08:13

Abcdef12 · 31/03/2023 07:18

Some very different and interesting responses.
To respond to a few points…

Someone suggested I was being ‘bitchy’- this is mumsnet I’m asking for advice on a forum.

Lots seem to be catching on the fact I said they’ve made their child that way. That might not be the way for everyone, but they did make their child that way and admit that. They said they wanted it so their child only sleeps in her room as my friend wants a strict routine. The child is not a bad sleeper or up all night. To give you an idea she will only feed him at set times, bath is exactly the same time every night, tv time is the same time every day. It’s a rigid routine they have created. Which is what they want. That’s just what they do.

Ok, well, If they are voluntarily implementing such a strict regime for their family then I would assume it's what they need to do to cope.

As others have said, when you have young children, sometimes your schedules and loves don't align for a while and you just have to ride it out for a while.
Set your boundary and suggest either meeting without the kids or just sticking to facetime for a while.
I have best friends who live in the same city that for some reason or other we havent managed to see for years - we manage to remain close thanks to technology.

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