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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be a bit fed up of planning everything around a friends toddlers nap?

284 replies

Abcdef12 · 30/03/2023 19:17

So our friend has 1 DS age 19 months. We have two DDs age 2 and 6. They have made it so their child can only sleep in his cot in the pitch black silence.

I do understand everyone does their own thing… but I find it quite often frustrating. I probably feel this way because I didn’t plan anything around either of my DCs naps. They slept wherever we were.

AIBU to feel slightly fed up we can never plan a whole day somewhere because of it? I think it would be different if we lived locally or doing park trips but they live about 1 hour 30 from us so going all that way to be told at 12:30 we have to leave as he needs a nap is a bit annoying. (No one allowed in the house whilst he’s sleeping).

Maybe time to just accept right now we can’t do too much together until the time when their child stops sleeping in the day?!

OP posts:
Goldbar · 30/03/2023 21:57

Abcdef12 · 30/03/2023 19:37

Thanks for answers so far it’s interesting!

I think my frustration comes from the fact they won’t travel for a day trip due to the nap, so that rules that out and for us to go to them it’s an hour and a half drive, to then stay until the child naps. It’s a long way to take our children for a short space of time, but they don’t understand this and think we should which is probably my frustration.

My feelings at the moment are to let them do what they need to do but stop trying to organise something that equally doesn’t work for us.

I think it's fine to say that this doesn't work for you and your kids and so you'll have to put meet-ups on hold for present.

Maybe suggest meeting up without kids if you both have access to babysitting?

Original poster
Abcdef12 · 30/03/2023 22:00

GrinAndVomit · 30/03/2023 21:48

I’ve had three toddlers. The third is currently 18 months.

I have never had the pleasure of any of them falling asleep anywhere other than their beds or in a moving car.

Congratulations that you have kids who will sleep anywhere.

Consider that not all kids are like that. Consider how hard work toddlers are. Consider how much more hard work they are if they haven’t slept.

Visit your friend and plan your afternoon accordingly. You know you’ll be out on your ear at 12.30 so make sure you have a plan for what to do for the remainder of the day while you’re in the area.

But what about my kids? Should I always be the one to travel with my toddler too because she won’t?

OP posts:
fairywhale · 30/03/2023 22:00

The child may be fractious, whingey or even screaming for the rest of the day otherwise. Or they may be need this only free time they get for their own survival and coping. If neither of those things, they may be too precious. Ask them why they are so particular.

VivaVivaa · 30/03/2023 22:02

But what about my kids? Should I always be the one to travel with my toddler too because she won’t?

No. You’ve been told that multiple times already on this thread.

Goldbar · 30/03/2023 22:03

Abcdef12 · 30/03/2023 22:00

But what about my kids? Should I always be the one to travel with my toddler too because she won’t?

Show quote history

Absolutely not.

So just say "Sorry, that doesn't work for me or my children. It's not fair to put them in the car for such a long time for a short visit".

GrinAndVomit · 30/03/2023 22:04

Abcdef12 · 30/03/2023 22:00

But what about my kids? Should I always be the one to travel with my toddler too because she won’t?

Show quote history

No. The naps won’t be forever and you’re perfectly entitled to consider whether it’s worth the trip for your kids at all.

She’s putting her kid’s needs first. You should also do the same.

ItsCalledAConversation · 30/03/2023 22:04

Burgoo · 30/03/2023 19:35

I wouldn't plan my life around my OWN CHILD'S nap! Let alone a friends!

Sounds bizarre re: not being allowed in the house whilst he is sleeping. What is the issue there? If she is anything like me, the house is an utter dump and she wants a reason not to have you round to see it!

I think something similar, my children slept (or not) around what we were up to.

To chuck you out because their kid is going down for a nap is bonkers. Are they honestly that weird or are they just looking for a reason to get rid of you?

Shz · 30/03/2023 22:05

They are entitled to stick to their kids nap schedule

You are entitled to not want to trail 2 young kids on a 1.5 hour car journey for the sake of a couple of hours time with them (if he naps at 12.30 then how much time do you all get/what time do you need to get your kids in the car to travel there?).

Honestly I’d just say “really sorry but the children find the long journey there and back in such a short time exhausting and it’s not working for them - but we’d love to met up halfway” if they say no thats ok - you’re offering compromise. Say it enough times and they might get the hint.

Sceptre86 · 30/03/2023 22:07

At the moment socialising with them doesn't work for your family. As you've said you have your own children to think of and your youngest is not much older. Some people are just being defensive when there's no reason for it. You aren't attacking the fact that their child naps but it is quite frankly ridiculous to say noone can be in the house whilst their child naps. I do think they have made a rod for their own back but when you have a shit sleeper some people will do whatever they can to get through the day. Do I agree with their approach, no but that doesn't matter. It isn't working for you so you stop meet ups.

IAmTheWalrus85 · 30/03/2023 22:10

It’s obvious from your follow-up posts that you’re irritated by her expectation that you’ll travel to her rather than meeting halfway or whatever and that’s fair enough (although it isn’t what your OP said). I definitely wouldn’t do a 3 hour round trip for a morning. So YANBU about that. But you need to tell her that you can’t come because it doesn’t work for you and your children.

YABU to be a bit sneery about how ‘they’ve made’ their child like this and how your children ‘always slept wherever you were’. Some children just aren’t like that. Some won’t sleep in a buggy. Some are a nightmare if they don’t get a full two hours. Some will fall asleep right at 5pm then the night is ruined, and so on. Parents who get all smug about how flexible their children are, due to their oh so sensible parenting, without realising that children are in fact different are so irritating.

As you know, this stage will be over in the blink of an eye - he might drop his nap in as little as 6 months. If you’re really friends you’ll be able to get through this short stage.

FeltPenThief · 30/03/2023 22:10

Either switch to phone calls/messages or offer an alternative and don't worry if they don't want to do it. I don't think they're BU to have their own strict routine and you're NBU about travelling a 3hr round trip with two kids for a couple of hours seeing them.

If there's things locally that also work for your and your kids, see them until 12:30 and leave to do something else in the afternoon before going home. Otherwise stop the visits for now until their child drops the daytime nap.

fairywhale · 30/03/2023 22:10

May be also disrupted nap unsettles the toddler and their whole routine for a number of days, it can happen with some kids. And so end up seeing a person but then have several days of hell to come. Although tbh they sound a little overboard.

crew2022 · 30/03/2023 22:12

Viviennemary · 30/03/2023 20:28

They are ridiculous. So annoying. No wonder their babies don't sleep with all this pandering and fussing around. Just don't bother with them till they grow out of this nonsense.

This.
For one day their child can miss a nap who knows they might find he sleeps better the next day
It's ridiculous

billy1966 · 30/03/2023 22:13

I can't believe you would put two children through a 90 minute journey for such a short visit.

Leave her to what works for her.
People do what they have to do.

But in your place there is no way I would be doing that journey with young children for so little time to visit.

IAmTheWalrus85 · 30/03/2023 22:16

PS. I also don’t find it that astonishing that they want you to leave for his nap. If it’s a small house I can imagine that a 2yo and a 6yo could easily wake him.

GrinAndVomit · 30/03/2023 22:16

crew2022 · 30/03/2023 22:12

This.
For one day their child can miss a nap who knows they might find he sleeps better the next day
It's ridiculous

Show quote history

Please share some more of your insightful parenting tips!

Britinme · 30/03/2023 22:17

If their DC is 19 months, this state of affairs won't last more than maybe another six months. Why not just avoid get-togethers until the summer? He'll be dropping that nap soon enough. No child's nap schedule stays the same for long.

fairywhale · 30/03/2023 22:20

Also you have to consider that all kids and parents are different and maybe whatever amount of time you get with your friend is plenty for her and anything more is too draining, so she's just using naps as an excuse to not spend the whole day with you.

mumofboys8787 · 30/03/2023 22:22

Well actually your parenting style sounds like my worst nightmare. Sorry if some parents want a couple of hours of peace every afternoon and don't want their toddlers to "sleep wherever you are". If your friend doesn't want to travel to where you are to meet you, tough shit. She clearly isn't that bothered about seeing you. If you want to see her, go to her, or don't see her at all. Don't bitch and moan about someone's parenting styles just because they don't suit your social calendar.

Goldbar · 30/03/2023 22:23

fairywhale · 30/03/2023 22:20

Also you have to consider that all kids and parents are different and maybe whatever amount of time you get with your friend is plenty for her and anything more is too draining, so she's just using naps as an excuse to not spend the whole day with you.

And that's all very well but it's a bit much when you've expected your friend to pack two small children in the car and drive hours to visit you. "Please disappear now. I'm wearied by your company" 😂.

Happyhappyday · 30/03/2023 22:27

Our DC only just stopped napping at 4.5 and we have been stuck planning around this. She would sleep more flexibly until mayyybbeee 18 months but she just would not after that and is a complete PITA if she’s tired. She goes to bed at 7:30 and up at 6:30, (now 7 to 7 with no nap). She just has really high sleep needs.

I don’t think you should plan around them but should accept some kids need a bed in a quiet room to sleep. So you can’t do a big day out with them until they stop napping. Big days out are also still too much for my DC, maybe they know theirs will be overwhelmed at being out all day 🤷‍♀️.

Throughalookingglass · 30/03/2023 22:27

Abcdef12 · 30/03/2023 19:55

True, I understand their child will only sleep in a cot and that’s not really my issue, each to their own. But their expectation is we only travel to them (1hour30- each way) I have a 2 and a 6 year old and we can’t go in their house whilst child is asleep. They won’t travel out anywhere for the day, meet in the middle etc.

Show quote history

Do they really expect it or are you suggesting something and they are replying that they can't do it due to scheduled naps and suggesting you travel to them if you would like to as an alternative. I imagine they don't particularly want you to arrive with a six month old and a two year old while they are trying to put their baby down for a quiet nap to be honest, but perhaps feel they have to offer an alternative instead of just saying no to meeting up?

I'm guessing this is their first/only child and they are sticking to a routine that works for them? My first child was flexible around naps but for my second child, naps were run like a military operation because if a nap was missed/taken in the car/buggy, they wouldn't sleep at night.

I think YABU. This time will go by in a blink of an eye and in another couple of years, it will be history. I imagine it would be nicer for both of you to meet one morning during the weekend and go for a child free lunch together anyway?

HermioneKipper · 30/03/2023 22:29

Happyhappyday · 30/03/2023 22:27

Our DC only just stopped napping at 4.5 and we have been stuck planning around this. She would sleep more flexibly until mayyybbeee 18 months but she just would not after that and is a complete PITA if she’s tired. She goes to bed at 7:30 and up at 6:30, (now 7 to 7 with no nap). She just has really high sleep needs.

I don’t think you should plan around them but should accept some kids need a bed in a quiet room to sleep. So you can’t do a big day out with them until they stop napping. Big days out are also still too much for my DC, maybe they know theirs will be overwhelmed at being out all day 🤷‍♀️.

I’m not sure you know the parenting rules about bragging about how much your child sleeps 🤣

GrinAndVomit · 30/03/2023 22:30

I just don’t think it’s that unreasonable to need to be in a quiet room in a comfortable bed if you want to get any quality sleep.

How many of us could just force ourselves to sleep in any other situation?

WimpoleHat · 30/03/2023 22:31

She’s putting her kid’s needs first. You should also do the same.

This. And I’d put it in those terms to her. “That doesn’t work for us - it’s not on for the kids to be in the car for all that time for such a short outing.” Her child’s wants/needs don’t trump yours.