What to do about Nanny

[Dilemma19]

Hi all, just looking for advice. We are a household of 5, 2 primary aged children and 10month old.
We have employed a housekeeper, nanny to assist us on a FT basis. I have some recent health issues with flare ups and struggled to keep up with home and kids. I'm a sahm, dh works and travels alot but is very hands on. The problem is the person has such a bad, awful attitude. She is perfectly fine until you need to ask her to do something your way or correct her about something and then the atmosphere at home is just awful. Another issue is that she is meant to help with my little one but she makes me feel under pressure to do what I need quickly and take the baby back. The problem is that it has taken forever to find someone and I'm really stuck without the additional help. It came to a bit of a head yesterday and I've been thinking about this and quite upset. Her contract states that we can request babysitting with notice. The last 3 times I asked her she couldn't do it. So yesterday I asked her again for next weekend and she firmly told me that she is never able because she has another job. So I brought up that, this was something that we were specific about and she has now changed the terms. Dh is away so that's why I asked her and yet again she isn't available. She spoke to me so so rudely, very arrogant as well. What would you do or how would you approach this?

She should be doing 50 hours for that (I’m in London).

Even with health issues I’m not convinced you need even 40 hours. It would be better to get a good cleaner, say 10 hours a week @ £15-20 ph would be max of £200 pw for cleaning. And then you could get PT nanny for the rest.

And your husband may need to seriously consider his career and schedule given his wife has health issues and young kids to manage. You are important too.

Can you ask the children’s school if they have a TA at the school who would want extra work before school by picking them up and taking them to school? Could pay over the odds to get them interested.

You need to get rid - she won't get better.

You need various roles. Before and after school care and driver

And cleaner

And daytime hours for baby

If she is a nanny she won't want to clean

So splitting job may help.

If this is a short term role maybe consider. A nwoc with similar age child so they play

And a cleaner

She sounds useless though on top of being belligerent. Since you are not worried about the housekeeping so much, I’d fire her and get a proper nanny, no housekeeping. The nanny will take the two older children to school and pick them up, and in between be there to care for baby with you doing the feedings and cuddling for naps, whatever you feel able to day to day. Then, after nanny picks up kids, she is there for an hour or so while you make dinner and clean up. It’s sounding like though you need round the clock nanny….what do you feel you can do right now day to day?

Fuck all by the sounds of it...

As a teacher I wrangled 200 teenagers a week, 50+ hours, 40 days leave per year, for £20k less than this "HKN" AND looked after my toddler and did my housework.

This has just highlighted how utterly crap teacher pay is.

I suspect a lot of the people replying on here have not recently tried to hire a nanny. Obviously she sounds like she's not very good, but it's quite clear that since Brexit, there just aren't enough people who want to do that job, and consequently it's their market. Good luck finding another one. I had one candidate when I advertised through an agency for a part time nanny (28 hours average over the year) for I think 30k...

Please don't let her speak to you like that. What an aggressive bitch! How dare she! Start recruiting from a reputable agency like childcare.co.uk You have the money to get really great help. Please don't let your family be dictated to like this!

She sounds awful. It's fine as a Nanny to stand your ground and not allow people to take advantage but not to speak to parents like that. There is a shortage of Nannies, good ones. Sounds like you need to try an agency and find a reliable one.

I would definitely let her go and then find a separate cleaner and nanny and then add in an extra help you can get. You could possibly manage with a part time nanny if you could find a local childminder who could do the school drop offs/pick ups. Unfortunately we had three nannies in a row with problems (also London) and then I approached a childminder I had seen out and about who was very kind to the children she was looking after. It turned out she wanted a change of role and became our part time nanny and also did our babysitting etc. She was with us for 8 years until we didn't need the help and is still a good friend, as is our brilliant former cleaner (14 years). Keep looking until you find the right team.

There is a shortage of nannies and a part time nanny is virtually impossible so I don’t say get rid of her flippantly. Still, you can’t have someone one work for you that makes you uncomfortable and that is disrespectful

You’re being an absolute walkover!

She wont improve, she wont sort herself out. If anything, she will get worse after she hears you’ve complained about her to the agency.

She has clearly spotted your weakness and is exploiting it. I don’t know anyone who would tolerate being spoken to like that and not immediately sack someone, but you have obviously shown her you’re willing to take it so she is leaning in.

Any half decent nanny will ‘know your routine’ within a day. It’s not complicated or difficult, you could write it in a text and they can follow that for the day before it’s committed to memory

But I appreciate that your health issues might be making you feel that the day is hard work and therefore giving her more credit than is due for getting things done

But honestly, if you don’t sack her, you’re as bad as she is!

What is it about the school runs that are particularly hard? If you’re close you could possibly get a student to help with the afternoon/evening one. I’d then look at getting a cleaner. You shouldn’t be paying as much as you are for an arrangement that doesn’t work for you especially when as a sahm you’re at home.

I've supported mothers but never been allowed to support their children, I was told even if I was pulling a baby out of a fire I'd risk my job, so they were quite strict. (Imagine that 999 call? "Sorry, baby is head first in the oven, I'm not allowed to retrieve it though, if you could just send someone out before he's dead, that would he great! Can I move him? Sorry no, work will sack me" 🙄
It's a great idea though, maybe a family Support worker would be more suited than a personal one? I'm not sure how it would work but it's definitely a good idea. I'd have loved this kind of role!

Op you're paying massive amounts of cash for someone who's making you on edge, nah. Put her in the bin.

4 K a month??? Seriously??

I don't know why people are so stunned at this!

I was being paid £20 an hour in my last full-time nanny role because I'm qualified with 25 years experience!

This person is on about £25 an hour gross; get tax and insurance is taken out of that.

spot on alyceflowers.

She does not need an au pair. It irritates me so much when people’s answer to ‘I cannot find a nanny to support me 40 hours per week plus on tap babysitting’ I’d ‘have you considered exploiting a teenage girl?’

It's not exploitation if you are hiring an au pair under the normal regulations; they are there to learn English. They are not allowed to work more than a couple of hours a day.

If you have more then one person it's better, you cannot get into dictatorship zone. Get rid. You have plenty of good advice here. All the best OP.

I agree with this. I can't work out what you are paying her, 4K a month? vThat is the price of a really excellent full-time nanny which she clearly isn't. It's insane for what you are getting. I also think an au pair would give you what you need, especially if you add some hours of cleaning from an agency. Some au pairs have training in child care, but it's more important that you simply get someone who wants to help. Bear in mind that an au pair normally needs to go to English classes either morning or afternoon. If you find a good nursery locally your baby could do some hours there if necessary to enable this to happen.
And next time write in when you expect them to babysit - though it obviously isn't fair to expect them to do every Friday and Saturday night.

As others have said you are confusing two roles. Get a nanny who is focussed on the children and a cleaner who cleans.

This and this some more. You’ll have a much bigger pool of decent nannies this way…..and you’ll probably find a more professional cleaner!

That’s exactly what I’m saying. It is not a good answer to someone who needs 40 plus hours a week support with three children plus babysitting on demand and has health flare ups. That would be exploitation of the aupair, so it is not a good answer to this specific situation. If op needed a couple of hours a day of light support then yes of course it would be acceptable, but that simply is not the case here.

I was a Nanny/PA/Housekeeper in central London and abroad for many years, but stopped 10 years ago when I had my own children. I was at the top of my game and worked for very high net worth clients. 4k a month is a decent salary for the position you describe and you should be expecting a high level of service. I would NEVER have dreamt of speaking to my employers like you describe. Yes it is very challenging working as a Nanny to a SAHM, I’ve done it several times myself, but you communicate politely (at all times) if any difficult situations arise. And if you find that the job is not suitable for you, then you hand in your notice politely. If I were you I would go back to the agency and ask for them to replace her as it isn’t working out. How long has she worked for you? Most agencies will replace a staff member for free within a set period, if it doesn’t work out. Next time I would have it put into the contract that the Nanny babysits one evening per week as part of her set hours, and make this clear up front.