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Original poster

What to do about Nanny

349 replies

Dilemma19 · 30/03/2023 15:08

Hi all, just looking for advice. We are a household of 5, 2 primary aged children and 10month old.
We have employed a housekeeper, nanny to assist us on a FT basis. I have some recent health issues with flare ups and struggled to keep up with home and kids. I'm a sahm, dh works and travels alot but is very hands on. The problem is the person has such a bad, awful attitude. She is perfectly fine until you need to ask her to do something your way or correct her about something and then the atmosphere at home is just awful. Another issue is that she is meant to help with my little one but she makes me feel under pressure to do what I need quickly and take the baby back. The problem is that it has taken forever to find someone and I'm really stuck without the additional help. It came to a bit of a head yesterday and I've been thinking about this and quite upset. Her contract states that we can request babysitting with notice. The last 3 times I asked her she couldn't do it. So yesterday I asked her again for next weekend and she firmly told me that she is never able because she has another job. So I brought up that, this was something that we were specific about and she has now changed the terms. Dh is away so that's why I asked her and yet again she isn't available. She spoke to me so so rudely, very arrogant as well. What would you do or how would you approach this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Dilemma19 · 30/03/2023 17:16

@3WildOnes but she isn't micromanaged. In fact because of her attitude I have let her get on with it. I have just told her what needs to be done as a priority and absolutely leave her to it.

OP posts:
ShiverOfSharks · 30/03/2023 17:20

She is excellent with the kids too, just that when she is upset she ignores them in a very passive aggressive way.

WHAT

That is not being "excellent with the kids"!

Original poster
Dilemma19 · 30/03/2023 17:20

I do need someone to cover both ends of the school run and this was also a difficulty in finding them. And fair enough everyone needs a full day. She gets in on a Monday and does a full clean, the next big day is Friday. Tues-Thurs I have no idea how she stretches out just tidying. And that's only tidying certain areas. It's ridiculous that some days I cant even have breakfast because there isn't time when I have someone to help at home.

OP posts:
BellaVita · 30/03/2023 17:22

She sounds awful.

Can you change agency?

gemloving · 30/03/2023 17:23

Get rid. Find a new person who is positive and actually does the work she is paid for (look after your children!) x

PeloMom · 30/03/2023 17:24

Have you contacted norland? Their Nannie’s are incredible. Not sure if they’d be interested in hybrid roles

JMSA · 30/03/2023 17:29

I am going to go completely and utterly against the grain here, but I think it's unreasonable to expect her to work full-time for you and babysit on top. Can't you find a separate babysitter?
I get that she agreed to do it in the first place, but things change. She's obviously fed up too. I don't think it's a dream gig, working for a family where the mum is a SAHP, but too unwell to get involved much.
As always, I do wonder what the other side of the story would be.

viques · 30/03/2023 17:32

So what happens with all her cleaning duties when the kids are at home sick, or it’s holiday time? As others have said you are confusing two roles. Get a nanny who is focussed on the children and a cleaner who cleans.

Or speak to this one, ask if she would like to redefine her role, and possibly her pay, by becoming the nanny not the cleaner. Though if as you seem to think the pay she gets is the going rate for a nanny , then just remove the housekeeping duties and resign yourself to paying the proper rate for a cleaner , who will probably do a better job.

minidancer · 30/03/2023 17:32

If she's looking after a ten month old during the day doing a big clean must be hard. She doesn't have all day without any children (unless I've missed something). You wouldn't expect a stay at home mum with 3 kids to have much time to sit about but some how because she's a nanny she should find it easy.

Mangogirl12 · 30/03/2023 17:37

Can't you take your own kids to school and pick up?

Kanaloa · 30/03/2023 17:41

JMSA · 30/03/2023 17:29

I am going to go completely and utterly against the grain here, but I think it's unreasonable to expect her to work full-time for you and babysit on top. Can't you find a separate babysitter?
I get that she agreed to do it in the first place, but things change. She's obviously fed up too. I don't think it's a dream gig, working for a family where the mum is a SAHP, but too unwell to get involved much.
As always, I do wonder what the other side of the story would be.

I think this just in terms of the fact that there have been problems with every other nanny. It makes me wonder if the role is problematic also.

Justalittlebitduckling · 30/03/2023 17:46

If you can’t find anyone better then you’re stuck with her. If you can find anyone else, do.

Gensola · 30/03/2023 17:47

LOL for 4K I will come and do it! Whatever you need!

Itsbytheby · 30/03/2023 17:51

OP, get rid. It's not worth it to feel shit in your own house, and be paying someone for it.

As others said, for that money, get a childminder and a cleaner to come a couple of times a week unless you can find someone better.

PlantagenetEmbassy · 30/03/2023 17:51

It sounds like your wish list for your "ideal" nanny/hk is maybe a bit unrealistic and that she is being rude because she's fed up with the job. She might not have even read the part of the contract that said about babysitting and it might be worth pointing that out to her. Have you considered just having a childminder for the school run? If you're a SAHM I don't understand why you need someone to be a nanny and a housekeeper, what do you do all day?

BramleyAppleHotCrossBun · 30/03/2023 17:56

I can’t recommend getting rid enough. We had a nanny for a short while as with 4 children needing various levels of care it was the cheapest option. I HATED it. And her. She was a nasty, judgemental idiot who had no idea about being a parent at all.

Honestly, just give notice. The relief will be worth many, many pounds.

Sunnydays0101 · 30/03/2023 17:59

What hours is this person contracted to work - if she helps get your kids ready for school and brings them to school - collects them at the end of the school days- after their clubs - she must work at least 40 hours, if not more ? A little unfair to then expect her to baby sit outside these hours, surely ?

Ponderingwindow · 30/03/2023 18:02

I would lower the pay enough to hire a cleaner. That way you remove the deep cleaning from the role.

then make the job a nanny/household manager position. It includes child care, chauffeur duties, clutter patrol, light housework. So the job can include things like doing the laundry and tidying up the kitchen, but the person you hire doesn’t have to worry about scrubbing the floors.

i would just hire someone new for the newly defined role. You might have to keep this person on until you have them in place and that might mean you get stuck paying severance and a new salary simultaneously. If that isn’t feasible, is there anyone who could come help to bridge the gap? Could you spouse take leave?

Sortyourlifeout · 30/03/2023 18:02

Hi. I've been a nanny for nearly 25 years. Currently working as a before/after/holiday nanny for an amazing family. I work in another role also, and it works for all of us. Your nanny is taking the piss out of you because she knows you are kind of dependant on her at the moment. Have a conversation with her and tell her that her attitude is not acceptable. That's the first step.
If necessary, get rid of her but make sure you do it correctly otherwise you may end up in court.
I agree with splitting the roles but you may need to look for another NHK.

To address some PP suggestions;

  • It's not the agencies problem. That's not how agencies work. They are generally introduction agencies; they can't just place another nanny if this one doesn't work after 6 months. They can, if course look for another nanny but this will be on a new contract, with new fees. Which are flippin' expensive. The agency may well be happy to speak to her though.

  • It is more than reasonable to have 'ad-hoc' babysitting in the contract. Of course the nanny might have times when they can't babysit on request, but it's the attitude that goes with it that's the problem.

  • Au pairs are hard to come by these days.

  • After school nannies are hard to come by

Good luck, OP.

Sortyourlifeout · 30/03/2023 18:05

PlantagenetEmbassy · 30/03/2023 17:51

It sounds like your wish list for your "ideal" nanny/hk is maybe a bit unrealistic and that she is being rude because she's fed up with the job. She might not have even read the part of the contract that said about babysitting and it might be worth pointing that out to her. Have you considered just having a childminder for the school run? If you're a SAHM I don't understand why you need someone to be a nanny and a housekeeper, what do you do all day?

If she's not read the contract then that's her bad. She signed it. She needs to be more flexible.

tenbob · 30/03/2023 18:07

OP, I’ve had several nanny housekeepers in London.

Yours is shit, and it’s not going to improve. Sack her and move on.

I’m laughing slightly at all those incredulous at the idea of a nanny being asked to do extra babysitting on top of a 40 hour week. Most full time nannies will be doing a 50+ hour week, and babysitting on top. Plus the babysitting isn’t exactly taxing work.

Get a decent agency to find you a replacement and be absolutely clear from the outset about what the priorities are, and make sure you have regular (weekly) feedback sessions from the get go, so you don’t get any resentment building on either side.

Sortyourlifeout · 30/03/2023 18:08

tenbob · 30/03/2023 18:07

OP, I’ve had several nanny housekeepers in London.

Yours is shit, and it’s not going to improve. Sack her and move on.

I’m laughing slightly at all those incredulous at the idea of a nanny being asked to do extra babysitting on top of a 40 hour week. Most full time nannies will be doing a 50+ hour week, and babysitting on top. Plus the babysitting isn’t exactly taxing work.

Get a decent agency to find you a replacement and be absolutely clear from the outset about what the priorities are, and make sure you have regular (weekly) feedback sessions from the get go, so you don’t get any resentment building on either side.

Yep! I was doing 60 hours a week, with at least 2 nights babysitting on top!

CoraPirbright · 30/03/2023 18:09

I would 1) give her notice - she sounds horrible with a bad attitude and moody.

  1. Then hire a cleaner (ask neighbours for recommendations)

  2. contact all local Montessori nurseries to see if any of their employees have extra capacity

I have found some truly wonderful people this way.

3WildOnes · 30/03/2023 18:11

I would split into three roles. One person to cone in the morning, take your children to school and then take care of your baby for a few hours. 8am-1pm. A cleaner to come a few times a week. And then a nanny to pick children up from school, bring them home and make them dinner 3pm -6pm.
I thi k you could probable find a mum with school aged children to do the first role and then a student to do the second.

Or if you stick with one person you need to have set times for different parts of the day. 8-9 school run, 9.30-12 caring for baby. Afternoon cleaning/tidying and then school run and caring for the older ones. Nanny has her set times for caring for the children and during these times you step back, stay away in your room/upstairs and let her get on with it for those hours.

maranella · 30/03/2023 18:13

You pay her £4k to speak to you like that? Jesus Christ! And she got away with it too so now she knows she can treat you any way she likes. You need a cleaner and an au pair. Can you really find neither?