What to do about Nanny

[Dilemma19]

Hi all, just looking for advice. We are a household of 5, 2 primary aged children and 10month old.
We have employed a housekeeper, nanny to assist us on a FT basis. I have some recent health issues with flare ups and struggled to keep up with home and kids. I'm a sahm, dh works and travels alot but is very hands on. The problem is the person has such a bad, awful attitude. She is perfectly fine until you need to ask her to do something your way or correct her about something and then the atmosphere at home is just awful. Another issue is that she is meant to help with my little one but she makes me feel under pressure to do what I need quickly and take the baby back. The problem is that it has taken forever to find someone and I'm really stuck without the additional help. It came to a bit of a head yesterday and I've been thinking about this and quite upset. Her contract states that we can request babysitting with notice. The last 3 times I asked her she couldn't do it. So yesterday I asked her again for next weekend and she firmly told me that she is never able because she has another job. So I brought up that, this was something that we were specific about and she has now changed the terms. Dh is away so that's why I asked her and yet again she isn't available. She spoke to me so so rudely, very arrogant as well. What would you do or how would you approach this?

I think you need a mothers help and a cleaner. I don’t know any nanny’s that also want to do cleaning beyond picking up after the children!

She’s not right for you. Plus some Nannies don’t like shared care or the mum being there, the whole dynamic changes.

You don't need to use an agency
Go on childcare.co.uk website. Make a profile of all your needs and you will find a nanny in your area. You can check their references with past employers. At the rate you are paying you could get someone really experienced and professional. No need to pay an agency all nannies are now signed up to this site.

Oh really? I've not heard of that before. I also used to support adults who were wheelchair users (and some who were quadriplegic) and this was definitely part of my role. I was basically told that I was there to assist in whatever ways I needed to that would 'bridge the gap' so that they could live in the way that any non-disabled person would. If, as a support worker, you can't assist an adult to parent, then surely that's quite restricting to them being able to be a parent in general...

4 fucking K?! That's what, 65k pa? And she has another job so she's making more than that, effectively frustrating your contract because she cannot fulfil her commitments if she's never available to babysit?

Fucking bonkers. OP, it's a no brainer.

I Agree with this.

Ah! Apologies, I misread what you were saying!

How do you work that out?! It's £48k.

No, not if it's net pay. Not sure if OP meant gross or net, I assumed net.

@NoNoNadaNo I'm sure it was probably a safeguarding thing but it definitely made no sense, we had an incident of abuse in one house and the carer had to wait outside, crying for the police to arrive.
Care work really has very skewered priorities.

Your job sounded very fulfilling 💐

£4K a month? Hell I'll do it!
That's an amazing Salary for what she's doing!

No problem 😂 I do think an aupair is a good solution for some families, but they’re recommended way too often on here for totally inappropriate situations. I mean how do you go from thinking a forty hour per week nanny plus extra babysitting can be met by a teenage girl who is supposed to act as a ‘big sister’ and provide light assistance.

I think you should be clear with the agency what type of help you need. A housekeeper and a nanny are 2 completely different jobs, it may be better to employ 2 different people

You so need to get rid, having been in this situation more than once I can tell you there is instant relief when the decision is made and they’ve been told. It’s a very difficult role to fill the housekeeper/nanny, we didn’t succeed until the kids were older. We have someone amazing now as a housekeeper who helps with kids but wouldn’t have been good with a 10 month old. Good luck with your search for the next one - The Lady is quite a good place to place an ad.

She said its costing her 4k a month so that will be the nannies gross wage plus her expenses as an employer.

Not that I’m excusing her behaviour but I think it’s maybe a bit much expecting her to be both a nanny and a housekeeper. If she’s a trained nanny or a nanny with experience she probably isn’t that enthusiastic about doing a clean on top of it. I think you need to separate the roles and hire two people.

If it's what she is being paid by the employer, it will be gross.

I agree with this. You can't reasonably expect someone to be permanently 'on call' and to drop their plans whenever you demand (unless you request, say, that a set evening a week should be kept free and pay a fee for doing so, plus enhanced pay if you actually use the babysitting services).

If my employer tried to tell me I needed to attend outside of my usual hours whenever they requested/dictated (with or without notice), I'd be annoyed and resign. My free time (whether I have plans or just want to relax) belongs to me and I wouldn't want to feel as though someone could just snatch it away whenever it took their fancy.

The contract states that you can ask, and doing that is reasonable. But being annoyed that she doesn't say yes is unreasonable. You shouldn't rely on the nanny for babysitting unless you're paying a fee for set hours as part of her employment.

Aside from that... you are not being unreasonable about the other aspects of your post. I'd terminate the contract and find someone else ASAP (or two people - a housekeeper/cleaner and a nanny).

She took the role as a nanny housekeeper, which is a legitimate role. She didn't have to accept the job.

Hi OP, what was the hybrid nature of the job causing the issue? Was it that it's a baby plus older kids or wrapping in the cleaning? Given how awful this woman is - the way she has spoken to you, at a time when you are vulnerable, makes her awful, as well as the fact that she is passive aggressive to your kids - if she was your only option I think you'd be better off finding a separate cleaner. You could then hire someone for school drop-off/pick-up and baby care during the day. It might work out a bit more expensive but probably easier to find someone. I agree with PPs I would then write specific babysitting info into the contract e.g. one night per month.

Yes I agree, I don’t think this lady is a good fit for the role. But I just mean this is a tricky role and one that needs to be taken on by someone who really understands what is needed. The OP probably doesn’t feel like she micromanaging but the fact is that if you’re cleaning and then you get asked in the middle of it to hold a baby and do a different childcare task it probably is quite jarring. I think OP could do with thinking through exactly how she’d like this to play out when she hires someone new so that everyone is on the same page.

Yes, I totally agree with that. Just hope OP follows the correct procedures, whatever she decides to do.

Ah yes, take that back, I misread OP's post. Still, a 48k pa salary for this work isn't low, one has to make significantly, and I mean significantly more to pay this especially in London and with 3 children. It's still a big chunk in a family budget and she shouldn't be disrespectful to OP.

Absolutely. But I dont think the amount she is paid is relevant here. She just needs to learn some respect for the person who is employing her. Unless OP is treating her super badly, but I don't get that impression.

I also think you might be better of finding a cleaner who is happy to help with the kids.

I am in London and the people I know with nannies are facing similar issues with poor quality employees, fast turnover, entitlement etc.

There are lots of cleaners advertising on nextdoor. I would reach out to a few to see if they can help with the hours you need.