What to do about Nanny

[Dilemma19]

Hi all, just looking for advice. We are a household of 5, 2 primary aged children and 10month old.
We have employed a housekeeper, nanny to assist us on a FT basis. I have some recent health issues with flare ups and struggled to keep up with home and kids. I'm a sahm, dh works and travels alot but is very hands on. The problem is the person has such a bad, awful attitude. She is perfectly fine until you need to ask her to do something your way or correct her about something and then the atmosphere at home is just awful. Another issue is that she is meant to help with my little one but she makes me feel under pressure to do what I need quickly and take the baby back. The problem is that it has taken forever to find someone and I'm really stuck without the additional help. It came to a bit of a head yesterday and I've been thinking about this and quite upset. Her contract states that we can request babysitting with notice. The last 3 times I asked her she couldn't do it. So yesterday I asked her again for next weekend and she firmly told me that she is never able because she has another job. So I brought up that, this was something that we were specific about and she has now changed the terms. Dh is away so that's why I asked her and yet again she isn't available. She spoke to me so so rudely, very arrogant as well. What would you do or how would you approach this?

You can request babysitting

She said no

Unless your contract states that she must be once a week /month included in pay then she's done nothing wrong in saying no

Duties / do you need a full time person

Is she a nanny or hk

Is cleaning involved

It's hard when mum is about as tbh the nanny doesn't know whether to get on with childcare /baby or leave uou to do it and her to say clean

£4k a month so around £900 a week gross

Sure you can find someone who is more suited do your needs o

For 4K a month I am in Leeds and I'll do it :(

This. Get rid of her asap

Does she live in on top of the wage? That's a fortune ! If she lives in attitude is essential to make sure she fits around the family dynamic. I would suggest you give her notice and start fresh with a watertight job description for each day if the week.

Please do get rid of her, just reading about her stresses me out. Then get a good nanny and a good cleaner who can come in as often as you need.

Can’t you get a cleaner instead?

I agree that the obvious solution is to split out nanny and cleaner, thus opening up a much larger nanny pool. Many nannies don't much like working with the mother around all the time, but some won't mind.

Also give this one notice. You cannot have someone in this role that you can't trust and can't manage. Although you will, tbh, have to grow a bit more of a spine as well - if you're going to employ someone you have to be willing and able to manage them.

I'd contact the agency and ask for them to send someone else. It's clear that this isn't working out for you and she resents even being there and doing her job. That will have an affect on the children, they will pick up her attitude.

4K? What, as an annual salary or per month?

I brought up my kids with the help of a nanny and later a housekeeper. I worked full time and couldn't manage on my own.

All these fantastic women I found myself through advertising and word of mouth. I paid very good money, plus sick pay and holiday pay, plus bonuses and "sweeteners" if I needed extra time.

A teamwork and can-do attitude was essential. I say sack this one and get someone else, but bear in mind you will only get what you're prepared to pay for. Also it doesn't matter about being "qualified" to look after children or a house. It's about transferable skills.

One of my best nannies was a woman in her late 50s who had raised twins. She had never worked as a nanny before and was brilliant.

And my best housekeeper was a grandmother who made incredible cakes and didn't take any shit from anyone. She was great.

She has a bad attitude but we don't know how difficult or unbearable it is working for you. You don't own her time. I am not sure how you can have a contract that requries she be avilable to you at your command. And you say you like to correct her and tell her what to do....most nannies work independently throughout the day so first finding one who wants to be with a sahm and one baby is going to be a challenge and then to be micromanaged and criticized - most experienced nannies would be out the door. It also seems like you want her to clean and do household chores - again not usually part of a nanny's job (other than child related). I think you need to rethink that you are posting that you want. I am sure you can get a good person for 4K but you need more of a mother's helper role than a nanny. Someone who does whatever needs doing during the day. Also you need to drop the be available 24/7 on our command part.

Some thoughts - it might be worth finding a gap year student who lives locally to come and help out. There's some lovely people (usually girls, I must admit) who help out friends of mine and it seems quite common these days. Obviously you need to find one who's mature enough and that you trust! I myself did it years ago on my gap year, and did the morning and afternoon school runs, plus a bit of evening babysitting on my days off and school holiday support too. I also did things like washing, light cooking (mostly for the kids but also the odd family meal) and very light cleaning too. It was great and worked well for me who wanted a bit of money and loved children, and for the parents who just needed an extra pair of hands. Maybe ask on Facebook or if any friends or school mums have nieces/nephews who might be interested. It sounds like you need someone with a bit more flexibility!

Weirdly I also wonder if her name starts with a J…

im a nanny op, I’d get rid of her

Give her notice. £4k pm is a good salary and you ought to be able to find someone decent for that. Like other people have said, it might be worth thinking about how you can carve up the role into different parts so you can get someone better suited to each part. Part time housekeeper and separate nanny might work better.

I would sack her and split the money in half to actually get the services you need.

From her perspective (I have done agency nannying) I wouldn’t want to be fucked about with a parenting demanding I stay free for them to ‘request’ babysitting. I would want set hours, and I would not be doing housekeeping. So I would look for a cleaner/house keeper, and would hire a nanny/child minder. Not the same person. I would set aside proper hours so that person can have a routine/schedule, rather than expecting them to be constantly available just in case.

I would agree with this too. I always much preferred sole charge. Just from past experience I’ve had too many problems with working alongside parents.

Call the agency. It's their problem, not yours. Then find another nanny, and possibly a housekeeper too. I'm not sure why you need a full time nanny when two of your children are at school. Could you hire someone to to do the school runs and someone to help at home with the baby on an ad hoc basis? If you are disabled, can you ask your social worker to help you with this issue?

I would get yourself a new nanny. I was a nanny both live in and live out for three different families and would never have dreamed of speaking to my families like that..(and I was paid a heck of a lot less than 4k) It sounds like you are not a good match. How is she with your children? Do you know how she speaks to them? Most nanny's there is an expectation that there may be some babysitting duties outside of hours and if this is contracted and she has said she can never do it then she essentially has broken her contract with you. Having a nanny is supposed to make your life easier not harder and you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells or have someone creating a bad atmosphere in your own home.

I agree with this.

Alongside the nanny, I'd sign up for a really good local babysitting agency. If you're in London, there are lots of them. For our local one, you pay an annual fee and then you can request one of the same 2-3 sitters each time you need a babysitter, subject to availability. That means your kids get to know them. Most of their staff are nursery staff looking for extra hours.

Then you can give first refusal on babysitting to your regular nanny but otherwise book a babysitter you trust, so no pressure on the nanny to feel that she's let you down if she's not available (or simply doesn't want to do it).

Where are you based @Dilemma19? I know a great nanny with loafs of experience and without the attitude.

Get rid of her asap.

This. You could also get an after school nanny.
A job like this is not at all attractive to an in demand nanny. I worked as a nanny years ago and once for a sahm. Never again would I work for a sahm. I dont want to be micromanaged. I think most nannies feel the same.

If you break the job up I think it will be a lot easier.

I’ll do it! Where are you. I’ll even commute! 😂

I am in London and it is above the going rate here because we wanted a hybrid role. She has no transport costs as she lives a 10minute walk from here. That is one of the reasons we hired her, because she has zero transport problems getting to work. And she is very, very reliable. She is excellent with the kids too, just that when she is upset she ignores them in a very passive aggressive way. So not openly that I can address it , but very just under the radar that makes me look unreasonable.
My dc are 5 and 7 so too young to send in a transport service and when there's traffic it's such a issue. Also dc friends are all in different places so we are out of the way. Yesterday when she spoke to me like that, I was almost going to tell her to leave but then I thought how would my dc get home from school so I said nothing. If I ask her to just hold the baby, I always tell her to leave the housework and she doesn't need to make up for it during the week. I know this woman is riding all over me, but I'm really stuck and she knows it. The agencies have sent over unsuitable people and she was the only one that agreed to it all, and she was brilliant at first.