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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What to do about Nanny

349 replies

Dilemma19 · 30/03/2023 15:08

Hi all, just looking for advice. We are a household of 5, 2 primary aged children and 10month old.
We have employed a housekeeper, nanny to assist us on a FT basis. I have some recent health issues with flare ups and struggled to keep up with home and kids. I'm a sahm, dh works and travels alot but is very hands on. The problem is the person has such a bad, awful attitude. She is perfectly fine until you need to ask her to do something your way or correct her about something and then the atmosphere at home is just awful. Another issue is that she is meant to help with my little one but she makes me feel under pressure to do what I need quickly and take the baby back. The problem is that it has taken forever to find someone and I'm really stuck without the additional help. It came to a bit of a head yesterday and I've been thinking about this and quite upset. Her contract states that we can request babysitting with notice. The last 3 times I asked her she couldn't do it. So yesterday I asked her again for next weekend and she firmly told me that she is never able because she has another job. So I brought up that, this was something that we were specific about and she has now changed the terms. Dh is away so that's why I asked her and yet again she isn't available. She spoke to me so so rudely, very arrogant as well. What would you do or how would you approach this?

OP posts:
Sortyourlifeout · 30/03/2023 18:13

3WildOnes · 30/03/2023 18:11

I would split into three roles. One person to cone in the morning, take your children to school and then take care of your baby for a few hours. 8am-1pm. A cleaner to come a few times a week. And then a nanny to pick children up from school, bring them home and make them dinner 3pm -6pm.
I thi k you could probable find a mum with school aged children to do the first role and then a student to do the second.

Or if you stick with one person you need to have set times for different parts of the day. 8-9 school run, 9.30-12 caring for baby. Afternoon cleaning/tidying and then school run and caring for the older ones. Nanny has her set times for caring for the children and during these times you step back, stay away in your room/upstairs and let her get on with it for those hours.

It's really not that simple. Part time nannies are hard to come by now.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/03/2023 18:14

Fire her! Don't put up with this crap or it will get worse.

Could family members temporarily help out while you interview for someone new? Could DH take some time off work?

Weallgottachangesometime · 30/03/2023 18:17

I agree with others about splitting up the role into several jobs. clearly if you tried multiple times to get someone and none have worked out then the role is not one that is doable/wanted.

Could you maybe employ a cleaner to come in and couple of times a week and a nanny separately? I wouldn’t want to baby sit somewhere I had worked all week.

Is an Au pair an option?

Weallgottachangesometime · 30/03/2023 18:18

What hours is she paid 4k for? That sounds like a huge wage. Does she do very long days?

maddy68 · 30/03/2023 18:19

Get rid

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 30/03/2023 18:22

4K pcm AND she gets to tell you what she will and won’t do AND she gets to speak to you like that AND she gets away with it?

Good grief, she must be made of glitter and rainbows if you put up with that.

Mirabai · 30/03/2023 18:23

OP can you clarify 4K per month?

ChateauMargaux · 30/03/2023 18:25

Think about what your priorities are while your husband is away...

School run morning and evening
Dinner for everyone in the evening
Some time for you to rest without the baby each day.

3 hour clean on Monday and Thursday.

What were your hopes for babysitting? were you hoping that she might do bed time at the weekend? Or were you hoping to go out?

If it is bedtime... you could ask to speak to her.. explain that you are struggling with a flare up and without your husband and ask if she would be amenable to adjusting her hours for the next X days.. come at 7.30.. finish at 10.. come back at 2 and finish at 8 and within that.. specify what times she should take care of the baby.

Then decide what you want to do about the cleaning... maybe you only need bed time twice a week and she could clean for 3 hours on two days a week and leave at 6 on three days a week.

In the medium term... think about what you need now that you have seen what you don't want!!

You could pay less for a nanny only and specify the hours you need her to look after the baby... for me that felt like I had to book time in the nanny's schedule to spend time with my baby but maybe that is what you and your health needs.

Then hire a seperate cleaner.

And maybe have a seperate schedule when your husband is away... that your nanny stays for bed time. I also did this... I worked 4 days but paid my nanny for 5 and she worked if I had to work and also did 'nursery housework' for three hours if I wasnt working.. so batch cooking, cleaning and sorting toys and kids laundry.

Mirabai · 30/03/2023 18:25

£1000 pw for 50 hours is standard for live out nanny pay in London.

Is she doing 50 hours?

MomFromSE · 30/03/2023 18:27

You need to look for someone else and let her go. It sounds like if you have the space an au pair might be a better solution given the hours you need.

tenbob · 30/03/2023 18:27

Thinking about this more logically…

you need to accept in your head she is sacked.
speak to your DH and make sure he is on the same page and understand what is going on.
In the short term, you’re going to have to take the hit on her pay, so let her know tonight that she isn’t needed for the rest of this week but will be paid as normal

Download bubble tonight and post a job for someone to do the school run and nanny tomorrow.
The private schools and nurseries broke up last week so there are plenty of people on there at the moment able to work this and next week, and they will all be vetted, checked etc.

Then when your DH gets back, you can put on a United front and sack her, and tell her why.

find a couple of new agencies to hire a replacement, and use a temp nanny and a temp cleaner in the meantime

You will need to put some work in with the new agency to firm up a job spec and make it very clear what you want. If they are sending you candidates with shit experience, they are taking you for a ride.

But you cannot let her back after speaking to you like that, the stress of it alone is going to do you more harm than good.

THisbackwithavengeance · 30/03/2023 18:28

£4k and you can't find anyone good?? Where do you live, OP. If it's near me, I'll start tomorrow and I'll babysit as often as you want.

But I would contact the agency straight away and ask for an immediate explanation as to why they have sent you a rude Cunt who is refusing all reasonable requests? And I would ask her to leave, she's taking the piss and you don't need that in your life.

In your shoes, I would probably get an agency cleaner to come in twice a week and then employ an au pair or a childcare college leaver to come and assist with the kids.

4k though! I'm in the wrong job.

tenbob · 30/03/2023 18:29

MomFromSE · 30/03/2023 18:27

You need to look for someone else and let her go. It sounds like if you have the space an au pair might be a better solution given the hours you need.

Au pairs are functionally extinct as a category now. Brexit killed them off.

Anyone with even a few months of childcare experience will get a job as a junior live in nanny for 3x the pay of an au pair, so the handful of au pairs that are still knocking around are those too shit to get any other job

MysteryBelle · 30/03/2023 18:32

Personally I wouldn’t trust her with my children. She sounds weird, belligerent, and a bit unstable.

Haven’t read whole thing but if you’re a sahm, and your two older ones are in school during the day, with presumably you doing the drop offs and pickups by bringing baby with you, and in between you have the baby, then what I’d do right now is fire the woman you have, and hire just a housekeeper for the house, no nanny.

Then, ask about or find a good nanny or childcare person who just comes in at set times who just does that, no housekeeping. I don’t think it’s wise to combine the two jobs.

That way, you’re rid of the weird woman, and if you hire a new housekeeper/cleaner right away, then at least you’ll have the house stuff out of the way and you came care for your children while looking for a reliable/well referenced nanny.

tenbob · 30/03/2023 18:33

And if it’s costing OP £4k a month, that doesn’t mean that’s what the nanny is getting.

The nanny will get her net pay, then OP will pay tax, NI, pension contributions, employers tax and the agency fee as well

I would guess the nanny’s net pay is circa £3-3.5k depending on what the agency arrangement is

Saschka · 30/03/2023 18:37

Get rid of her. Pay a cleaner, and a part-time nanny for the baby (half day, or 2 days a week, or whatever you need.

Nanny/housekeepers are phenomenally expensive, she sounds like she is taking the absolute piss.

berksandbeyond · 30/03/2023 18:40

I must be living on a different planet as I can’t quite get my head around paying someone 48 grand a year when you’re a stay at home mum, and your claims that the children won’t be able to get to school without a nanny.

I agree with everyone else that splitting the roles would help - nanny and cleaners, not some hybrid as that’s clearly not working for anyone. And I’d probably invest more money in getting you back to health instead, or your husband working less hours and taking a pay cut, to be honest!

TellHimDirectlyInDetail · 30/03/2023 18:42

I think it's very difficult to get a decent all in one. Why not hire a cleaner, use a childminder for wrap around care and nurser for youngest.

Densol57 · 30/03/2023 18:43

Mangogirl12 · 30/03/2023 17:37

Can't you take your own kids to school and pick up?

Erm no @Mangogirl12 the OP is paying 4 GRAND for someone else to do that due to health problems …..jeez

OP - get rid and as suggested split the cleaning role with the nanny role

Original poster
Dilemma19 · 30/03/2023 18:43

Sorry trying to keep up, she does 40 hours a week. And it's pretty much the going rate around here. I've decided that we are going to speak to the agency, she is still in her probation period, and if she isn't willing to sort herself out then we are firing her. I'm actually a very easy going person, as much as she is a housekeeper if she helps with the baby for an hour or two a day, I'm happy to let the cleaning go. She is local, very reliable and does take care of the kids very well from what I have seen. Besides she knows our routine and it's a difficult one with my health issues. The only impact that it has on her if I'm not well, is that she needs to mind the baby. That excludes, meals, bathing or anything else. Literally just playing and rocking her to sleep.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dilemma19 · 30/03/2023 18:45

If I could just take my kids on my own I would. This week was so tough, dh was away, I'm having a flare up and the baby is teething. I would love to save that money if I could, but we were actually at breaking point and needed help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dilemma19 · 30/03/2023 18:46

The babysitting I've asked for is an additional hour at the end of the day, so a day that she definitely isn't working somewhere else.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 30/03/2023 18:47

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 30/03/2023 15:46

For 4K a month I am in Leeds and I'll do it :(

Might not be UK

AllTheDifference · 30/03/2023 18:48

I would find a local cleaner. And then chat to them about their friends and see if anyone does childcare. You don’t necessarily need a trained nanny to help with your older kids. You need someone lovely and reliable who you get to know, who can then get taxis to and from school. You can do a DBS check. You will have to look after the baby yourself though.

I think an informal network might be more useful and cheaper than what you have now.

I live in London and q a few friends have had cleaners who have morphed into childminders, and become part of the family. It’s not as strange as it seems and it can be a more flexible and workable setup than an agency nanny.

Weallgottachangesometime · 30/03/2023 18:49

Care of the baby excluded meal peeper, bathing etc !!!!! What is she actually doing in the day time then?