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Original poster

What to do about Nanny

349 replies

Dilemma19 · 30/03/2023 15:08

Hi all, just looking for advice. We are a household of 5, 2 primary aged children and 10month old.
We have employed a housekeeper, nanny to assist us on a FT basis. I have some recent health issues with flare ups and struggled to keep up with home and kids. I'm a sahm, dh works and travels alot but is very hands on. The problem is the person has such a bad, awful attitude. She is perfectly fine until you need to ask her to do something your way or correct her about something and then the atmosphere at home is just awful. Another issue is that she is meant to help with my little one but she makes me feel under pressure to do what I need quickly and take the baby back. The problem is that it has taken forever to find someone and I'm really stuck without the additional help. It came to a bit of a head yesterday and I've been thinking about this and quite upset. Her contract states that we can request babysitting with notice. The last 3 times I asked her she couldn't do it. So yesterday I asked her again for next weekend and she firmly told me that she is never able because she has another job. So I brought up that, this was something that we were specific about and she has now changed the terms. Dh is away so that's why I asked her and yet again she isn't available. She spoke to me so so rudely, very arrogant as well. What would you do or how would you approach this?

OP posts:
Delphigirl · 31/03/2023 13:57

you are willing to give a reference. Mary Bloggs worked for me as a nanny housekeeper from date until she resigned on date.

And that’s the reference.

Copperoliverbear · 31/03/2023 13:59

Get rid of her and find another nanny x

Copperoliverbear · 31/03/2023 13:59

Sorry housekeeper.

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 31/03/2023 15:07

Blondeshavemorefun · 31/03/2023 13:31

So she has walked out

I will say a housekeeper doesn't usually do deep cleans

Maybe a cleaner will be be better for that

So she does cleaning mon and Fri

And tidying the Wed thur

But you say you can't have 30m to self

Why ? What is she doing ?

Maybe she needs set times to have baby those days if you need time to self

Also you went the nanny to rock the baby to sleep

That's making a rod for your back in months to come

Baby needs to learn to self settle with either pat and shush or gradual retreat

Obv not leaving baby to cry

I think you need to think about what you need

I assume today is last day of term and now 2w school Easter hols so no school runs to deal with for 2w

So you will have all 3 for the next 2 weeks

Going forward how long do you think you will need help for ?

Maybe be better to book a taxi and same driver to take kids to school and back

A lady does that at our school

And a cleaner

And then maybe someone 949/230 who may have kids at school /wants few hours work to help you with baby

Or send her to a cm twice a week to give you a break

“I will say a housekeeper doesn't usually do deep cleans”

So what do they actually do for £4K a month then? Given the OP still seems reluctant to answer the question about what hers actually does all day.

So far she doesn’t:
-cook or meal prep
-look after the older kids beyond taking them to school and picking them up from after school clubs
-look after the baby
-appear to do anything beyond starting a deep clean on Monday that lasts till Thursday

I’m still baffled by the fact that the OP doesn’t seem to know what this woman is doing all day. How can you have someone in your house for 8 hours a day and never see them??

Original poster
Dilemma19 · 31/03/2023 15:31

@FlatWhiteExtraHot I think I have explained that I also struggled to know what she did in those hours. I think she gradually started spreading out her Monday work over the rest of the week. Her Tues-Thursday was meant to look like this:
School drop off and return home, tidy up for two hours(generous at that, you could even include a coffee break in that ), and then help me with the baby. And helping with the baby includes - playing with her, handing over to me to do feeding/meal and then she plays a bit more and then puts her down to nap and resettles her if she wakes up. During that entire time I would be resting, cooking or something. If during that time the baby was asleep, and the house has been sorted the only thing left to do was laundry as that's something that could be left for another time.

The issue was that I could never do anything because she was always 'busy'. I noticed that tasks were being pushed to other days, and her taking extra long to complete something. Surely cleaning a kitchen should not take you 2 hours. And then the very next day take you roughly the same??

Last week I got the kids ready by the door to leave for the school run, she went in to the room and was still there knowing that they need to leave. So I call for her and she tells me 'oh calm down you, they will make it in time' with a bad attitude. Actually writing that down makes me so angry with what I have put up with.

OP posts:
PousseyNotMoira · 31/03/2023 15:36

Lots of people have said to just get a cleaner (once or twice a week) and a nanny/mother’s help/au pair (whichever you think most suitable). You might not need the latter on an everyday basis, but it’ll solve your problem of having someone there if you do need them. And it’ll cost you the same or less then you were paying the now departed horror.

MomFromSE · 31/03/2023 15:44

@Dilemma19 I can't believe they asked you for a reference. People really do take the piss. We've only had one bad experience with someone providing childcare. What I'd say is, go with your gut and if it isn't the right fit just end it sooner rather than later.

mcmooberry · 31/03/2023 16:23

Thank goodness she's gone, she would have become more and more like a dark cloud in the house as time went on, we had an au pair once like that, she didn't seem to like us or the children (all other au pairs have stayed in touch)
Your lady absolutely was taking the piss, for that salary I would have been making myself indispensable. She probably couldn't be bothered with looking after the baby, hopefully next time someone who loves babies and is also a hard worker, will take the job. Hope your flare up settles down and you soon find a better person to help you.

Original poster
Dilemma19 · 31/03/2023 16:47

Thank you! Dc friends mum dropped the kids off, so grateful for that. Today felt so much lighter and stress free at home. I did struggle with the baby but we did the bare minimum and it felt so good to just be. The absolute cheek asking for a reference.

OP posts:
Alittlestar · 31/03/2023 16:55

That's awful that she spoke to you and treated you like that, very glad for your sake that's she's gone. Wishing you the best of luck in finding someone more suitable.

honeylulu · 31/03/2023 17:05

What a relief. The trash took itself out. I wonder what her problem was. Maybe she was resentful and saw you as "lazy " rather than genuinely unwell. But the brief was clear so why she took the job is baffling!

viques · 31/03/2023 17:48

Delphigirl · 31/03/2023 13:57

you are willing to give a reference. Mary Bloggs worked for me as a nanny housekeeper from date until she resigned on date.

And that’s the reference.

I would say left abruptly rather than resigned.

roses2 · 31/03/2023 17:55

That's a relief you don't have to deal with any more attitude! Although sorry to hear you are now in a pickle.

Lots of people have mentioned finding a cleaner and asking for help with kids. Lots of people I know are having issues with finding and retaining nannies. I think you'd be better off searching for a cleaner and asking for ad hoc childcare. All my cleaners have been brilliant with my kids!

JaneyB321 · 31/03/2023 18:28

There are two sides to every story. Are you putting on her more than is to be reasonably expected? I understand that she is employed to help you and that is the point of her being there, but are you demanding over and above what is reasonable to ask of her? If so, she will be feeling resentful and be putting her foot down (just a thought). As others have mentioned, why have you struggled so much to find someone? If it is a case of paying lower than the going rate then she will be feeling especially aggrieved. Just some thoughts.

Solonge · 31/03/2023 18:43

Ask her to leave, now. We had au pairs for 13 years and out of the gems…there were three nightmares. One arranged for sky TV to be fitted (this was 35 years ago) and she thouggt we could pay for it……didnt want any child contact either. Next one was Spanish, didnt speak any English and was on the game in the evening at the local pub…the third hit my children and scared them so much they darent tell me….i walked in on her hitting them in a bath of cold water with a wet flannel. If it doesnt feel right, if she is in a hurry to hand back your baby….she wont be a good nanny or kind.

mandlerparr · 31/03/2023 18:46

4k per month I would clean your house top to bottom daily and carry your kids to school on my back.
I do have to say though, that I would not accept being on call for babysitting barring actual emergencies (as in one of the family in the hospital, not going to provide support for great aunt Lois and all you are doing is sitting and waiting)
All of that would need to be scheduled at the start of each week.
Unfortunately, I live on a whole other continent. And have a child that requires 24/7 care, so can't even work.

MarvellousMonsters · 31/03/2023 19:13

I think you need to separate the roles. Get a cleaner, who will clean once or twice a week (surely that's enough?) and then a part time nanny specifically for help with the children. She does sound like a wrong'un though, good thing she's gone. Is it worth contacting a carers agency, to try to get someone to help you, as opposed to looking after the children? You are chronically ill, and need help with daily tasks, maybe a carer and a cleaner would be a possible solution?

PippaF2 · 31/03/2023 19:14

I think you're well rid of her OP.

Ditch the agency you hired her from and find another.

The house can be untidy and messy for a while. I'd contact an agency that also do emergency cover - to do the school run and help with the baby if you're unwell, while you source someone who can do what you need.

Original poster
Dilemma19 · 31/03/2023 19:14

I have always asked for babysitting (with notice) as per our contract. She has to date never been available regardless of how far in advance I ask, because she took on another job without letting us know. It was stated that a weekend where dh is away, she works one of those days babysitting. She agreed to that, but was never available!

This is an extremely easy job, she was paid to be available. I'm in an area where this salary is completely normal- others are paying even more. In my dc school, kids are sent with their nannies to school by the family driver who is literally parked at home to take the family out wherever they need to go. Just to paint a picture as why this salary isn't so unbelievable.

OP posts:
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 31/03/2023 19:19

tenbob · 30/03/2023 19:12

You’re being an absolute walkover!

She wont improve, she wont sort herself out. If anything, she will get worse after she hears you’ve complained about her to the agency.

She has clearly spotted your weakness and is exploiting it. I don’t know anyone who would tolerate being spoken to like that and not immediately sack someone, but you have obviously shown her you’re willing to take it so she is leaning in.

Any half decent nanny will ‘know your routine’ within a day. It’s not complicated or difficult, you could write it in a text and they can follow that for the day before it’s committed to memory

But I appreciate that your health issues might be making you feel that the day is hard work and therefore giving her more credit than is due for getting things done

But honestly, if you don’t sack her, you’re as bad as she is!

Thats a really good point... When you're perceiving tasks from a perspective of chronic health issues.... Stuff that seems overwhelming or difficult tasks are pretty straightforward with good health!

(my elderly unhealthy relative thought 8 hours a week to a cleaner to clean a modern, sparsely furnished house at 20£ ph was reasonable.... I have zero idea what they were doing for 6hours of it!)

cansu · 31/03/2023 19:21

Either
You are a very difficult person to work for and you have not described the situation accurately or she is a strange, rude and unpleasant person.

Blondeshavemorefun · 31/03/2023 19:34

Dilemma19 · 31/03/2023 19:14

I have always asked for babysitting (with notice) as per our contract. She has to date never been available regardless of how far in advance I ask, because she took on another job without letting us know. It was stated that a weekend where dh is away, she works one of those days babysitting. She agreed to that, but was never available!

This is an extremely easy job, she was paid to be available. I'm in an area where this salary is completely normal- others are paying even more. In my dc school, kids are sent with their nannies to school by the family driver who is literally parked at home to take the family out wherever they need to go. Just to paint a picture as why this salary isn't so unbelievable.

You can ask for babysitting but if she had plans she can't

I'm Often busy at weekends so if I was Asked to bs on a Saturday if would be no - unless maybe 6/8w +notice

Plus you said in op that dh is away a lot for work

Now you want help while he is away at the weekend

I don't know how much notice you gave her

As I said previously - pay for a taxi daily to school with same driver and maybe a cm for some time out for you plus a cleaner

How dirty can you house get to need to deep clean mon and Fri so every 3/4 days - esp if older kids are at school

Jellybott · 31/03/2023 19:45

I genuinely don't mean this in a bad way, but would it not be easier to get a childminder for school runs, hire a cleaner, and put the baby in nursery? It'd be a lot cheaper and more reliable. Admittedly you wouldn't have help with bath times, but you'd at least have the whole day to rest if needed.

NannaKaren · 31/03/2023 19:46

Give her Notice - cheeky bint.
go on childcare.co.Uk or similar and find a lovely Nanny 👍😘

mozzierella · 31/03/2023 19:55

I would like to hear rhe lady's side of the story

There's more to this

I hope she's a mumsnetter

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