Page 11 | What to do about Nanny

Dilemma19 · 2023-03-30T14:08:55+00:00

Hi all, just looking for advice. We are a household of 5, 2 primary aged children and 10month old. We have employed a housekeeper, nanny to assist us on a FT basis. I have some recent health issues with flare ups and struggled to keep up with home and kids. I'm a sahm, dh works and travels alot but is very hands on. The problem is the person has such a bad, awful attitude. She is perfectly fine until you need to ask her to do something your way or correct her about something and then the atmosphere at home is just awful. Another issue is that she is meant to help with my little one but she makes me feel under pressure to do what I need quickly and take the baby back. The problem is that it has taken forever to find someone and I'm really stuck without the additional help. It came to a bit of a head yesterday and I've been thinking about this and quite upset. Her contract states that we can request babysitting with notice. The last 3 times I asked her she couldn't do it. So yesterday I asked her again for next weekend and she firmly told me that she is never able because she has another job. So I brought up that, this was something that we were specific about and she has now changed the terms. Dh is away so that's why I asked her and yet again she isn't available. She spoke to me so so rudely, very arrogant as well. What would you do or how would you approach this?

Starlitestarbright · 31/03/2023 11:58

yutub I think there's a lot of information missing tbh we have ops pov.

LoisLane66 · 31/03/2023 12:06

I can't fathom females who sadly they're mothers when they're nothing of the sort. Out at 8sm back at six. Everything has been done. Clean house, kids fed watered and ready for bed. What a poor existence for your own children. Yes, you might be earning so you live in a bigger house, 2 cars, several annual holidays abroad and label clothing but they're you're very own children and you've had no input into their formative years. Missed many of the milestones and stand by proudly when friends and strangers remark on their achievements and manners when you know it's not thanks to you, it's the work of a hired help doing the job of a mother.
In the same vein, I can't see why people buy dogs, only to have them cared for and walked daily by some unrelated person.
It seems that these individuals only want the nice clean stressless bits of caring for their own children. Making a mess on weekends knowing that a dirty oven and sink full of dishes plus dirty laundry and unmade beds are for the lesser beings to sort out on Monday.
I look down on those types. They miss out on so much of their children's lives and yes, I know and have known many many families whose children barely see their fathers who are away on business for weeks and months on end and mothers who leave at dawn, their children in pre school clubs and after school activities at very young ages, only seeing their parents for 30 minutes before seeing themselves off to bed while 'mummy' and 'daddy' do important work in their separate home offices and unwind in their home gym after a stressful work day.
It's abuse, plain and simple.

Netaporter · 31/03/2023 12:07

@Dilemma19

I think you need to separate the duties. Firstly, Employ a cleaner 2 x pw to do the whole house. Then employ an au pair or mother’s help (may also suit an older lady) through an agency who can drive (assuming anyone living in has their own room/bathroom if possible) . IME, Au pairs want work with a fair rate of pay, language lessons, no cleaning and no cooking which you say you don’t need. Be quite specific about babysitting and holidays etc. In our offer letter to our au pair we laid out what a typical day looked like m-f and gave her weekends off. Apart from running around with the hoover quickly if the dog hair got too much, she didn’t clean and didn’t cook. She did have to look after the dog tho. We did get her lessons in our car as she was used to driving on the other side of the road and we wanted her to be confident with our daughter in the car. It was like having a university age daughter and she was treated like a member of the family. If you are not going down the au pair route, you should consider creating an opportunity at regular intervals for each party to provide feedback about how it’s working out so both parties feel valued. Working with someone in your own home is tricky unless each party takes care to see the other’s viewpoint.

I hope you feel better today, the kids school may well have a list of child minders that might help you in the short term. And definitely phone the agency and explain she has walked out on you.

Netaporter · 31/03/2023 12:13

@LoisLane66 i hope you feel better with all that off your chest. If you actually read the OP’s posts, she is a SAHM. She’s not missing out on anything. She has an underlying medical condition that requires assistance.

Whatsthefrequencykenny · 31/03/2023 12:13

LoisLane66 · 31/03/2023 12:06

I can't fathom females who sadly they're mothers when they're nothing of the sort. Out at 8sm back at six. Everything has been done. Clean house, kids fed watered and ready for bed. What a poor existence for your own children. Yes, you might be earning so you live in a bigger house, 2 cars, several annual holidays abroad and label clothing but they're you're very own children and you've had no input into their formative years. Missed many of the milestones and stand by proudly when friends and strangers remark on their achievements and manners when you know it's not thanks to you, it's the work of a hired help doing the job of a mother.
In the same vein, I can't see why people buy dogs, only to have them cared for and walked daily by some unrelated person.
It seems that these individuals only want the nice clean stressless bits of caring for their own children. Making a mess on weekends knowing that a dirty oven and sink full of dishes plus dirty laundry and unmade beds are for the lesser beings to sort out on Monday.
I look down on those types. They miss out on so much of their children's lives and yes, I know and have known many many families whose children barely see their fathers who are away on business for weeks and months on end and mothers who leave at dawn, their children in pre school clubs and after school activities at very young ages, only seeing their parents for 30 minutes before seeing themselves off to bed while 'mummy' and 'daddy' do important work in their separate home offices and unwind in their home gym after a stressful work day.
It's abuse, plain and simple.

Thanks for sharing your unrelated-to-the-thread monologue.....

ArianahX · 31/03/2023 12:24

I'm so glad this woman has left OP because I was coming in here to say she sounded like a bully and was totally taking the piss out if you for 4K.

I hope you manage to find a more suitable solution.

Original poster

Dilemma19 · 31/03/2023 12:26

Maybe I haven't been clear, apologies for that. She does a deep clean of the place on a Monday. On a Tues- Thurs there is just tidying up to do. Two hours is generous in fact. If I need to go have an hour nap / something to eat she doesn't have the time to allow me to do that. If I do, then she puts me under pressure with a bad attitude. All I expect from her is to get the tidying done in the 2 hours and then be available to give me a few hours. She does NO nanny duties apart from playing with my 10month old, and making her nap. If the baby wakes up and I am asleep I need her to settle the baby back to nap. That is ALL. She doesn't do any meal prep, any bottle feeds, any nappy changes. Just literally play and nap. If there is nothing to do then there is NO expectations of her other than to be available. We did a trial with her to get a run of what the week would look like so she was completely aware.

OP posts:

Sortyourlifeout · 31/03/2023 12:28

LoisLane66 · 31/03/2023 12:06

I can't fathom females who sadly they're mothers when they're nothing of the sort. Out at 8sm back at six. Everything has been done. Clean house, kids fed watered and ready for bed. What a poor existence for your own children. Yes, you might be earning so you live in a bigger house, 2 cars, several annual holidays abroad and label clothing but they're you're very own children and you've had no input into their formative years. Missed many of the milestones and stand by proudly when friends and strangers remark on their achievements and manners when you know it's not thanks to you, it's the work of a hired help doing the job of a mother.
In the same vein, I can't see why people buy dogs, only to have them cared for and walked daily by some unrelated person.
It seems that these individuals only want the nice clean stressless bits of caring for their own children. Making a mess on weekends knowing that a dirty oven and sink full of dishes plus dirty laundry and unmade beds are for the lesser beings to sort out on Monday.
I look down on those types. They miss out on so much of their children's lives and yes, I know and have known many many families whose children barely see their fathers who are away on business for weeks and months on end and mothers who leave at dawn, their children in pre school clubs and after school activities at very young ages, only seeing their parents for 30 minutes before seeing themselves off to bed while 'mummy' and 'daddy' do important work in their separate home offices and unwind in their home gym after a stressful work day.
It's abuse, plain and simple.

Careful, you're showing your age.

Also, kindly fuck off with the parent shaming.

You're a disgrace.

AIU · 31/03/2023 12:29

OP where in London are you? I am sure there would be a lot of people interested in the role. Myself included. I have always found previous nanny and mothers help roles on childcare. I once worked with a lovely family and their newborn whilst mum was at home just as an extra pair of hands.

CrystalCoco · 31/03/2023 12:42

OP I have no idea why you're getting a hard time on here, it seems pretty clear to me what kind of help you're looking for and if I lived in your neck of the woods I'd be biting your hand off for the job.

I hope you find someone soon who is reliable and can also do a good job, this woman was obviously not a good fit for the role 💐

AllTheDifference · 31/03/2023 12:48

LoisLane66 · 31/03/2023 12:06

I can't fathom females who sadly they're mothers when they're nothing of the sort. Out at 8sm back at six. Everything has been done. Clean house, kids fed watered and ready for bed. What a poor existence for your own children. Yes, you might be earning so you live in a bigger house, 2 cars, several annual holidays abroad and label clothing but they're you're very own children and you've had no input into their formative years. Missed many of the milestones and stand by proudly when friends and strangers remark on their achievements and manners when you know it's not thanks to you, it's the work of a hired help doing the job of a mother.
In the same vein, I can't see why people buy dogs, only to have them cared for and walked daily by some unrelated person.
It seems that these individuals only want the nice clean stressless bits of caring for their own children. Making a mess on weekends knowing that a dirty oven and sink full of dishes plus dirty laundry and unmade beds are for the lesser beings to sort out on Monday.
I look down on those types. They miss out on so much of their children's lives and yes, I know and have known many many families whose children barely see their fathers who are away on business for weeks and months on end and mothers who leave at dawn, their children in pre school clubs and after school activities at very young ages, only seeing their parents for 30 minutes before seeing themselves off to bed while 'mummy' and 'daddy' do important work in their separate home offices and unwind in their home gym after a stressful work day.
It's abuse, plain and simple.

Lol.

I hope you come to terms one day with your ‘sacrifices’, and that your martyrdom will have been worth it! Maybe then your all-consuming resentment will dissipate.

Original poster

Dilemma19 · 31/03/2023 12:55

CrystalCoco · 31/03/2023 12:42

OP I have no idea why you're getting a hard time on here, it seems pretty clear to me what kind of help you're looking for and if I lived in your neck of the woods I'd be biting your hand off for the job.

I hope you find someone soon who is reliable and can also do a good job, this woman was obviously not a good fit for the role 💐

Thank you, I have tried to be clear about this in my posts.

OP posts:

Starseeking · 31/03/2023 12:57

Lol @LoisLane66.

I have a Nanny Housekeeper because I'm a single parent, with DC whose dad will only have them 4 days per month. I just happen to have a career that pays well enough for me to afford help at home. No abuse here!

Starseeking · 31/03/2023 12:59

@Dilemma19 I'm happy to share my Nanny Housekeeper job description with you by PM.

In the 7 months since my wonderful support started with us, there's never been an issue.

Original poster

Dilemma19 · 31/03/2023 13:01

Starseeking · 31/03/2023 12:59

@Dilemma19 I'm happy to share my Nanny Housekeeper job description with you by PM.

In the 7 months since my wonderful support started with us, there's never been an issue.

Thank you so much, I will appreciate that.

OP posts:

Kanaloa · 31/03/2023 13:03

CrystalCoco · 31/03/2023 12:42

OP I have no idea why you're getting a hard time on here, it seems pretty clear to me what kind of help you're looking for and if I lived in your neck of the woods I'd be biting your hand off for the job.

I hope you find someone soon who is reliable and can also do a good job, this woman was obviously not a good fit for the role 💐

But the fact is that nobody is biting her hand off. She either can’t find anyone or can only find totally incompetent people. So the job is either not as op is describing or she is leaving something out about how the working conditions are.

Longdarkcloud · 31/03/2023 13:04

Nothing practical to add OP, just my best wishes for you to find the helper you need. The last one was definitely temperamentally unsuited and with that underlying anger is not safe around children. Please do tell the agency about your concerns re her suitability to be involved with children.
I think that having unstructured time may seem to be a good idea but maybe “tidying” is too amorphous so there is a clear beginning and an end to the tasks required. eg pick up toys, put discarded clothing in linen basket or hang up, sweep crumbs, wipe high chair tray etc.
Then if there is something more pressing you can request she do that instead of a regular task.
Good luck

FarmGirl78 · 31/03/2023 13:09

Jeez I'm so naive I thought you were being VERY harsh only paying her £4k a year, assuming she gets her board and lodgings free that's a pittance.....but then the growing realisation dawned that its £4k A MONTH. I'm honestly gobsmacked a cleaner/nanny/housekeeper would get so much. That's nuts. Let me know when you want a babysitter and I'll drive out of my oblivious northern bubble and down your way.

Original poster

Dilemma19 · 31/03/2023 13:18

Just a few questions if anyone knows what would happen? She is in her probation period, with a weeks notice. If she refuses to come, how does that work with payment? Not that I want her here! It's unfair that she will have no repercussions for her behaviour and some other family will end up with her.

OP posts:

AngryBirdsNoMore · 31/03/2023 13:21

Can you just speak to the agency rather than her?

Blondeshavemorefun · 31/03/2023 13:31

So she has walked out

I will say a housekeeper doesn't usually do deep cleans

Maybe a cleaner will be be better for that

So she does cleaning mon and Fri

And tidying the Wed thur

But you say you can't have 30m to self

Why ? What is she doing ?

Maybe she needs set times to have baby those days if you need time to self

Also you went the nanny to rock the baby to sleep

That's making a rod for your back in months to come

Baby needs to learn to self settle with either pat and shush or gradual retreat

Obv not leaving baby to cry

I think you need to think about what you need

I assume today is last day of term and now 2w school Easter hols so no school runs to deal with for 2w

So you will have all 3 for the next 2 weeks

Going forward how long do you think you will need help for ?

Maybe be better to book a taxi and same driver to take kids to school and back

A lady does that at our school

And a cleaner

And then maybe someone 949/230 who may have kids at school /wants few hours work to help you with baby

Or send her to a cm twice a week to give you a break

stealthbanana · 31/03/2023 13:32

I think a lot of people are getting distracted by the £4K pcm - that is not even close to top of the market for a London nanny.

OP, you are looking for something that doesn’t exist and that’s why you’re struggling to find someone suitable. You need 2 things - a cleaner/housekeeper on a part time basis - these are readily available and you can tailor the hours properly.

Then you need emergency childcare for when you’re unwell for 2 different groups - your school aged kids and your baby. For your school kids if you can I’d just use ad hoc childcare - bubble or childcare dot co dot uk et al

For the baby you can either use emergency agency nannies (ring them at 730am and someone will be at your door by 9am) or go on your local mums Facebook group and build up a roster of 2-3 people who you can text when you need. Or both.

your fundamental problem is that you neither need nor want a permanent full time nanny so you’re always going to have issues with the person you hire into that role.

Starseeking · 31/03/2023 13:36

@Dilemma19 I have PM you with job description, and how I recruited, hope it helps x

MomFromSE · 31/03/2023 13:50

LoisLane66 · 31/03/2023 12:06

I can't fathom females who sadly they're mothers when they're nothing of the sort. Out at 8sm back at six. Everything has been done. Clean house, kids fed watered and ready for bed. What a poor existence for your own children. Yes, you might be earning so you live in a bigger house, 2 cars, several annual holidays abroad and label clothing but they're you're very own children and you've had no input into their formative years. Missed many of the milestones and stand by proudly when friends and strangers remark on their achievements and manners when you know it's not thanks to you, it's the work of a hired help doing the job of a mother.
In the same vein, I can't see why people buy dogs, only to have them cared for and walked daily by some unrelated person.
It seems that these individuals only want the nice clean stressless bits of caring for their own children. Making a mess on weekends knowing that a dirty oven and sink full of dishes plus dirty laundry and unmade beds are for the lesser beings to sort out on Monday.
I look down on those types. They miss out on so much of their children's lives and yes, I know and have known many many families whose children barely see their fathers who are away on business for weeks and months on end and mothers who leave at dawn, their children in pre school clubs and after school activities at very young ages, only seeing their parents for 30 minutes before seeing themselves off to bed while 'mummy' and 'daddy' do important work in their separate home offices and unwind in their home gym after a stressful work day.
It's abuse, plain and simple.

What are you on about @LoisLane66 The OP is a stay at home mother who has a chronic illness! Totally inappropriate post...

Original poster

Dilemma19 · 31/03/2023 13:52

Shockingly the agency has just asked me for a reference! They are well aware of the issues I have previously had as all was documented. I emailed them this morning as I couldn't get a hold of anyone, detailing what has happened and they replied as to whether I'm willing to give a reference?!

OP posts: