Page 9 | What to do about Nanny

Dilemma19 · 2023-03-30T14:08:55+00:00

Hi all, just looking for advice. We are a household of 5, 2 primary aged children and 10month old. We have employed a housekeeper, nanny to assist us on a FT basis. I have some recent health issues with flare ups and struggled to keep up with home and kids. I'm a sahm, dh works and travels alot but is very hands on. The problem is the person has such a bad, awful attitude. She is perfectly fine until you need to ask her to do something your way or correct her about something and then the atmosphere at home is just awful. Another issue is that she is meant to help with my little one but she makes me feel under pressure to do what I need quickly and take the baby back. The problem is that it has taken forever to find someone and I'm really stuck without the additional help. It came to a bit of a head yesterday and I've been thinking about this and quite upset. Her contract states that we can request babysitting with notice. The last 3 times I asked her she couldn't do it. So yesterday I asked her again for next weekend and she firmly told me that she is never able because she has another job. So I brought up that, this was something that we were specific about and she has now changed the terms. Dh is away so that's why I asked her and yet again she isn't available. She spoke to me so so rudely, very arrogant as well. What would you do or how would you approach this?

saraclara · 30/03/2023 23:00

Sortyourlifeout · 30/03/2023 22:41

See this is where ignorance (not meaning to be rude, but that's the word that fits here) gives all types of childcare a bad name in terms of wages.

As a full time nanny (I'm now part time, but stay with me), I was earning up to £4k a month. I've been a nanny for 25 years (yes, I know I keep saying that but experience matters).

That sounds alot. But I'm working between 40 and 60 hours a week. I do not get ANY breaks. I'm there at 7am and I leave at 7pm. Sometimes I leave at 9 or 10pm. Sometimes later.

I'm qualified. I qualified 23 years ago by working in a nursery and getting paid £80 a week. I was treated like shit. But I stuck it out.

I've worked fucking hard.

I nanny kids from birth to teens.

NONE of my kids have started school without being able to count. NONE of my kids have been started school without being able to write their names. ALL of my kids have known their alphabet and been able to spell and read. Not just recite. Read.

I've been a sports teacher. I've been a music teacher. I plan parties and I've covered parental duties when parents needed to go abroad for emergencies. I've been a friend and councillor to kids and families who have had loses. All as a nanny.

I'm 43 and my years of running around, being parent, sports coach, doctor, PA etc is catching up. 25 years of 50+ hours a week has caught up. My joints hurt. My bones hurt. My heart hurts from all that love and loss and moving on.

Stop comparing nannies to teachers. It's not comparative. We all work hard. I don't disagree that teachers should be paid more. But to hear 'oh I should have been a nanny cos it's easy work' is, quite frankly, fucking insulting.

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You sound very hard working and professional. But OPs nanny house keeper isn't working anything like those hours and nor is she doing much of a job. Yet she's getting £4k and OP says that's the going rate for the hours and the role that she has.

Sortyourlifeout · 30/03/2023 23:02

LoisLane66 · 30/03/2023 22:57

@Sortyourlifeout
You won't mind me pointing out a couple of spelling errors.
COUNSELLOR and LOSSES. 😁

I don't mind at all.

Because quite clearly my post was from the heart and full of emotion. I posted it on my phone. And quite frankly, there is no need to spell-check when making the point that I was making.

Sortyourlifeout · 30/03/2023 23:04

saraclara · 30/03/2023 23:00

You sound very hard working and professional. But OPs nanny house keeper isn't working anything like those hours and nor is she doing much of a job. Yet she's getting £4k and OP says that's the going rate for the hours and the role that she has.

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I get it. I really do. I just get very upset with comments that suggest that nannies are inferior when it comes to careers.

I didn't mean to offend.

LoisLane66 · 30/03/2023 23:11

Oh, I see. I do everything on my phone too and at 78 I do pretty well. I was merely making a point that as part of your job was home-teaching children, correct spelling would come naturally. I mean...no matter how upset, you don't forget the basics or even have to think about them.
Anyway, calm down and make a cup or pour a glass of whatever...

carolecole · 30/03/2023 23:13

She spelt "loss" correctly.

saltlakes · 30/03/2023 23:13

I've tried hiring – it's impossible to get anyone in London post-Brexit. OP is right about this being a normal wage.

Have a look at the salaries on here for 40 hr live out roles: https://uk.indeed.com/q-nanny-housekeeper-l-london-jobs.html?vjk=73d5ad5b094eab13. Some will be slightly lower, but compare the number of children (OP has 3 – nannies rightly don't like being fobbed off with "oh they'll be at school or clubs most of the time" because a caring responsibility is still a caring responsibility, and there's a lot of "invisible" work for every additional charge/child).

saltlakes · 30/03/2023 23:14

Adding to the above that I'm not disputing OP that this particular nanny isn't doing much though.

Original poster

Dilemma19 · 30/03/2023 23:19

HaveSomeIntrospect · 30/03/2023 22:53

IME, these ‘hybrid’ rolls are tedious, with long hours for the employees and seen as a way for employers to get the most out of someone.
That is why employers find them so hard to fill.

Get a cleaner and a separate childcare solution with a separate weekend babysitters.

A cleaner/housekeeper isn’t going to be experienced enough to (or want to) do bath and bedtime or any other childcare requirements.

A professional childcare provider/nanny, does not want to clean anything outside of their remit (nursery duties)

Anyone doing 40 hours a week does not want to work extra hours on the weekends.

@Dilemma19 These are the reasons you cannot fill this role.

These hybrid roles are common where I am, I guess a higher demand for them as the agencies around here offer these roles. 5 days a week kids are out of the house the entire time she's here, dh isn't here sometimes when travelling. The kids get home and she leaves, they play a bit , get dinner time and evening routine done and into bed. So there's hardly any mess except for Mondays after the weekend. So my point is, if she has plenty of time on a Monday to do a full deep clean, the days in between she needs to be assisting me which she isn't.

OP posts:

PousseyNotMoira · 30/03/2023 23:25

Dilemma19 · 30/03/2023 23:19

These hybrid roles are common where I am, I guess a higher demand for them as the agencies around here offer these roles. 5 days a week kids are out of the house the entire time she's here, dh isn't here sometimes when travelling. The kids get home and she leaves, they play a bit , get dinner time and evening routine done and into bed. So there's hardly any mess except for Mondays after the weekend. So my point is, if she has plenty of time on a Monday to do a full deep clean, the days in between she needs to be assisting me which she isn't.

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They may be common where you are, but it’s clearly not working. So just get a cleaner once a week and hire a nanny.

HaveSomeIntrospect · 30/03/2023 23:25

@Dilemma19 I appreciate that in paper it seems to be an ideal situation. I am just letting you know that I’m my experience, I am a childcare provider, with lots of nanny friends and a friend who currently has a hybrid role, that these jobs are not popular and people only do them because the money is good. To get good quality staff, I would advise you get a cleaner, a childcare provider and a babysitter.

FeltPenThief · 30/03/2023 23:26

Sortyourlifeout · 30/03/2023 22:19

As a nanny of 25 years, I can assure you that Nanny/housekeeper is absolutely a valid role.

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Sorry @Sortyourlifeout , I didn't say that a nanny/housekeeper wasn't a valid role. At least two posters on here have said that they have held that role so it clearly is valid. However, the OP hasn't managed to find someone who wants to do her advertised nanny/housekeeper role, so my previous post was suggesting a mother's help type role might be more flexible over tasks and offer up more people.

My comment quoted above was simply that finding ad hoc emergency help when covering for chronic illness of a parent, is difficult. Our circumstances don't require a nanny/housekeeper/mother's help as it's just a primary school drop off, hence I have taken a job that allows me to do that (just about) in an emergency when my husband is too ill to do it. If we lived near family my mum/siblings would have helped out. Finding ad hoc, short notice, paid support to do this would be difficult, hence why I've changed my job.

HaveSomeIntrospect · 30/03/2023 23:31

@Dilemma19 , just to be clear, you are completely right. She should not be speaking to you like that, she is employed to make your life easier and it sounds like she knows that she has you over a barrel. I’m sorry you are going through this, you shouldn’t be made to feel upset and vulnerable in your own home.
Please look at getting rid of her asap. 3 good quality, hard working, dependable staff (or 1 cleaner and 1 nanny ), will make your life so much better than 1 person that is making your life miserable.

saltlakes · 30/03/2023 23:32

PousseyNotMoira · 30/03/2023 23:25

They may be common where you are, but it’s clearly not working. So just get a cleaner once a week and hire a nanny.

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I agree that this is a better solution, as it doesn't sound like OP is very high-maintenance or fussed about daily cleaning. The pool of candidates for nanny only roles will be bigger if anything.

ittakes2 · 30/03/2023 23:52

Is she an aupair or a house keeper? Does she live with you? Is the £4k a month and do you also provide her food?

Yellownotblue · 30/03/2023 23:58

OP I haven’t read the full thread, but I’m going to throw my two cents as someone who has had very successful nannies, housekeepers and au pair. We had one nanny for six years, one domestic helper (nanny/housekeeper) for four years and an au pair for one year.

Your nanny is shit.

A nanny is an extension of your family. It’s really important that it works for you as a family. Your nanny doesn’t. You have to get rid.

A nanny and/or housekeeper that works is a thing of wonder. I’m still firm friends with the two women who looked after our kids (they are teenagers now, but the bond is still there). By which I mean, one of them comes for dinner every fortnight, I’ve looked after both of them in times of crisis, and I’ve taken both of them on long haul trips. It is life changing to have that level of support at home, especially if you have no family nearby.

It sounds like you need this with your health issues 💐. I’ve also had health issues, and our live-in housekeeper was a life saver in preserving the children’s routine while DH was abroad for work (for several months).

I guess I’m simply saying that you can aim for more. You can get a better nanny. Don’t settle. Be bold!

Starseeking · 31/03/2023 00:35

It absolutely is possible to employ a good Nanny Housekeeper; I know because I have one, and she's brilliant.

Being a single mum with two primary aged DC, one with additional needs, I couldn't live my life without her.

I agree good Nanny Housekeepers are hard to find, it took me roughly 10 months to find, and she already knew the DC. I originally started looking for a part-time Nanny, to cover mornings and afternoons however it quickly became apparent that not a lot of people want party-time. It really suits me as I'm out of the house 8am-6pm, and always come home to a clean house, DC fed, and ready for bed.

I would specify the job description quite tightly, so you can really manage the expectations of the next Nanny you employ.

Starseeking · 31/03/2023 00:36

*part-time, not party-time!

AngryBirdsNoMore · 31/03/2023 00:59

I’m have had a nanny and a housekeeper before and nannies and frequent cleaners are very common around me (also london).

She sounds shit and unacceptable.

Don’t wait for the end of the probation period - fire her now. And make clear to the agency that they’re being shit.

Can you try a word of mouth recommendation via local WhatsApps? That’s how we sourced our excellent babysitters for my baby, one of whom also works as a nanny and one as a nanny and mothers help for local families.

AngryBirdsNoMore · 31/03/2023 01:04

Sortyourlifeout · 30/03/2023 22:41

See this is where ignorance (not meaning to be rude, but that's the word that fits here) gives all types of childcare a bad name in terms of wages.

As a full time nanny (I'm now part time, but stay with me), I was earning up to £4k a month. I've been a nanny for 25 years (yes, I know I keep saying that but experience matters).

That sounds alot. But I'm working between 40 and 60 hours a week. I do not get ANY breaks. I'm there at 7am and I leave at 7pm. Sometimes I leave at 9 or 10pm. Sometimes later.

I'm qualified. I qualified 23 years ago by working in a nursery and getting paid £80 a week. I was treated like shit. But I stuck it out.

I've worked fucking hard.

I nanny kids from birth to teens.

NONE of my kids have started school without being able to count. NONE of my kids have been started school without being able to write their names. ALL of my kids have known their alphabet and been able to spell and read. Not just recite. Read.

I've been a sports teacher. I've been a music teacher. I plan parties and I've covered parental duties when parents needed to go abroad for emergencies. I've been a friend and councillor to kids and families who have had loses. All as a nanny.

I'm 43 and my years of running around, being parent, sports coach, doctor, PA etc is catching up. 25 years of 50+ hours a week has caught up. My joints hurt. My bones hurt. My heart hurts from all that love and loss and moving on.

Stop comparing nannies to teachers. It's not comparative. We all work hard. I don't disagree that teachers should be paid more. But to hear 'oh I should have been a nanny cos it's easy work' is, quite frankly, fucking insulting.

Show quote history

Lovely post. Personally I know I couldn’t be either a teacher or a nanny, they’re tough jobs that are so emotionally involved and with so much face to face time. I have huge amounts of time for good teachers and good childcare professionals and am so grateful for those in my child’s life.

your post also highlights what a good nanny / housekeeper can do - be proactive and genuinely helpful and generally all the things OP’s nanny isn’t.

Marchintospring · 31/03/2023 07:15

LoisLane66 · 30/03/2023 23:11

Oh, I see. I do everything on my phone too and at 78 I do pretty well. I was merely making a point that as part of your job was home-teaching children, correct spelling would come naturally. I mean...no matter how upset, you don't forget the basics or even have to think about them.
Anyway, calm down and make a cup or pour a glass of whatever...

Charming.
Why be a dick? You’ve made no valid point from putting @Sortyourlifeout down.

Greenfairydust · 31/03/2023 07:51

First of all get rid of her.

But I think it is not right to expect someone to be both your nanny and your house-keeper. Those are completely different roles.

Hire a new nanny and get a cleaner in a few hours each week.

Also find a baby-sitter you can hire as a back-up when needed if the nanny can't accommodate extra hours.

I think you expect too much from one person.

LiG123 · 31/03/2023 07:55

Those being teacher/nanny comparative:....

A nanny is a investment, a nanny is someone you trust your children's life with. Someone to teach the foundations to. Walking, talking, eating a balanced diet of usually home cooked meals, teaches them adventure, road safety, potty training, bike riding, emotions, stability and much much more.

They don't just watch the kids. They're qualified to improve your life and your children's life whilst teaching them the most important part.

I think that's worth the £ investment. You just have to find your right match.

Some people go into it because 'it's easy to get into' but for
Some it's their passion and they thrive off watching the little people grow to amazing humans.

Invest- don't compare

yutub · 31/03/2023 08:37

Greenfairydust · 31/03/2023 07:51

First of all get rid of her.

But I think it is not right to expect someone to be both your nanny and your house-keeper. Those are completely different roles.

Hire a new nanny and get a cleaner in a few hours each week.

Also find a baby-sitter you can hire as a back-up when needed if the nanny can't accommodate extra hours.

I think you expect too much from one person.

The nanny doesn't even look after her baby though...

Original poster

Dilemma19 · 31/03/2023 08:39

Hi all, I've had a horrible night thinking about all these things and barely slept. Just want to explain her role much better. She was meant to be a housekeeper with deep cleaning and a mothers help. She has two full days for deep cleaning. So if you can think of it someone coming in from 9-3 2x a week and doing a deep clean, what is there left to do besides an hour or two of tidying for the other 3 days? Those are the days where I needed her to help me with the baby. And by that I mean playing with her and rocking her to sleep - there is NO meal prep, bathing , feeding of the baby. When the baby sleeps she can get on with other things and there isn't much to do. She never has to see to the other kids because they are in school, she does pick up and then leaves. During her week here, there is no one at home besides me and the baby. How is this a difficult job that I can't find 30 min in each day for myself? The atmosphere at home is just awful now, I'm having a flare up and dh is arriving tomorrow - so I need her today. I'm not always I'll but when I have these unpredictable periods of illness, that is what we are relying on her for. I'm a sahm so I don't need a childminder for the baby/ a Ft nanny for the baby, because when I'm fine and actually for most of the time a whole other person dedicated to the baby is completely unnecessary. Again, she doesn't do anything with the other kids.

OP posts:

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 31/03/2023 08:49

I think the problem is @Dilemma19 that everyone is wondering why, if you are at home, you don’t have a clue what she’s actually doing all day. It sounds like she’s doing basically nothing Tues-Thurs but as you’re there why aren’t you able to monitor and change this?

Do you live in such a large house that she just disappears for the day or does your illness require you to spend long periods in bed (for which I have every sympathy as mine does).

You are handing over the amount of cash that most people can only dream of earning, and as an employer you have the right to have the time you are paying for accounted for. Obviously you wouldn’t begrudge the salary you are paying for the sort of nanny that @Sortyourlifeout and others on the thread appear to be, but this one is absolutely taking the piss and to a degree you seem to be letting her.