What to do about Nanny

[Dilemma19]

Hi all, just looking for advice. We are a household of 5, 2 primary aged children and 10month old.
We have employed a housekeeper, nanny to assist us on a FT basis. I have some recent health issues with flare ups and struggled to keep up with home and kids. I'm a sahm, dh works and travels alot but is very hands on. The problem is the person has such a bad, awful attitude. She is perfectly fine until you need to ask her to do something your way or correct her about something and then the atmosphere at home is just awful. Another issue is that she is meant to help with my little one but she makes me feel under pressure to do what I need quickly and take the baby back. The problem is that it has taken forever to find someone and I'm really stuck without the additional help. It came to a bit of a head yesterday and I've been thinking about this and quite upset. Her contract states that we can request babysitting with notice. The last 3 times I asked her she couldn't do it. So yesterday I asked her again for next weekend and she firmly told me that she is never able because she has another job. So I brought up that, this was something that we were specific about and she has now changed the terms. Dh is away so that's why I asked her and yet again she isn't available. She spoke to me so so rudely, very arrogant as well. What would you do or how would you approach this?

For 4k I will do it gladly too😁...bloody hell!

My advice would be to wait till DH comes home and then tell her it's not working out. A nanny agency will get you a temporary nanny/help in. Don't be a doormat to a woman who doesn't respect you

You don't need to explain yourself to anyone. The role is perfectly understandable and she has no reason to complain.

The last 2 times my bosses have asked me to babysit, I've not been able to do it. But I haven't got defensive, I just apologised (probably too much!) and explained that I would if I could.

For God's sake, ignore the other PP who are saying 'just get rid.' PLEASE go through the proper procedure. Firstly, its a requirement of law. Secondly it keeps you on the moral high-ground. If word gets around that you fired your nanny on the spot, you'll a) be up for court proceedings and b) possibly find it hard to find someone else.

I don't think sole charge of a baby is appropriate for an au pair. Sole charge of 2 school age children after school is exactly what au pairs do. Reading from the post, I didn't think the OP was looking for sole charge of the baby (or the kids) as the OP would always be home and only occasionally need assistance with the baby while she was present. Au pairs do sole charge 30 hours a week plus babysitting for children children over the age of 2.

I don't think we fundamental disagree about the role of an au pair but I think we've understood with the OP is looking for differently.

@kanaloa I forgot to tag you

I she came through an agency you need to look up the job description you gave them and THEY should tell her she isn't fulfilling it. She may well walk out, it sounds as though she simply isn't willing to do the job that she signed up for. On the other hand the agency may have said that she could sort out the details when she met you, which means that they are a rubbish agency.
Either way it does sound as though the simplest thing to do would be to employ someone to clean and someone as a mother's help. If you employ them on a temporary basis, through an agency, you can look for somebody who is willing to do both jobs. These people do exist, other posters have employed them, but you need a solution now, even if it is temporary.

I read it as the bulk of the job being caring for the baby. She says the current lady does nothing with the two older kids, simply picks them up from school then she goes? So I don’t think she is wanting much care for the older children, but obviously I could be mistaken. I saw it as she needs someone to care for the baby during the days while/if she is unwell, with additional babysitting on demand, and take care of all household chores, which would of course not be appropriate for an aupair!

This job sounds a dream.

Don't beat yourself up. As a nanny/mothers help it does annoy me because people like her give us a bad name.

Like I said previously I think you need to give outlined details in a speed sheet.

Explain to her I think we've crossed wired with my needs and I wanted to outline what these are.

Monday/Friday ........... spreadsheet the jobs

Tuesday/wed/thurs 9-1 watch baby (even if you don't need this take some time for yourself) 1-5 meal prep, do the washing/ironing etc.... I know you said she doesn't do this but for that money so bloomin should be going above and beyond!!!

Some people need structure and telling.

If she doesn't like it, yeah you need her but you're her employer at the end of the day so it's tough sausages! You don't need the stress. Search for a more compatible person.

@Kanaloa I agree. If she were to get an au pair, she should get a cleaner as well. I read it as she needs help with school pick up and drop off and a second pair of hands during the day, particularly on the occasions when she has a flare up which isn't most of the time. No sole charge of the baby ever and only sole charge of the older kids for pick-up on drop-off. The fact the OP is only occasionally very ill complicates her needs but overall, I think an au pair would be most comfortable with this general set-up (hours, mostly a second pair of hands during the day etc) compared with a nanny.

I've had nannies when my DC were younger who are still part of our family (see them once a month, come to all our parties etc) and I've had au pairs and had great experiences with both. I don't think there are many nannies that would want to look after a baby with a stay at home mom so on balance given her unusual circumstances I think she'd have better luck with an au pair but its a hard position as its so variable. I feel for the OP...

If you really want her to do no childcare and nothing child related and rarely care for the baby - I don't understand why you hired a nanny? Nannies generally specialize in childcare.

You really need to work out who you need and post a position that is an accurate representation of who you need. Posting a nanny position and then they find out once hired that there is really no childcare and they need to spend two days a week doig a deep clean - I am not sure what you expect them to do on Tues-Thurs - your house is clean and according to you, you don't need the person to care for the kids or the baby other than to maybe give you 30 minutes to shower. I don'tunderstand why you have full time help when it seems you don't feel you need it or want it. You need to post a position that is
-school runs
-deep clean two days a week
-meal prep plus whatever else you want them to do Tues-Thurs
-occasional baby care

That isn't a nanny. And get rid of the "must come in on weekends at our request" clause in the contract.

Oh, I read it differently. Maybe if op clarified what she actually needs from this person it would help? It does sound like there is some confusion over what the role actually is with bits of deep cleaning and baby care and school runs. It seems like that could definitely be what’s causing the confusion and difficulty with finding someone to do the job! And then if op could clarify it more she might be more able to find somebody.

I just say because most people have their own specialisms. When I nanny I do special needs nannying because that’s my thing. But I know other nannies who are only baby nannies - they are most confident and experienced with babies and toddlers. Others might be the opposite and only want to nanny for schoolchildren. But I think it’s best to be super clear so someone isn’t being hired as a nanny for a 10 month old then finding themselves doing deep cleans and school runs. Or being hired as a housekeeper then being left holding the baby etc.

It sounds to me you are paying someone to behave like a stroppy teenager.
I have never had enough money to afford a nanny or cleaner but I would expect them to do their job if I did.
Time to get rid of her.

What do you think of all the suggestions and advice posters have given to you? Eg a separate cleaner etc?

If she is being this snappy with you I would assume she’s looking for something that suits her better and might give you notice anyway. So I would look for someone else and maybe as others said look for a cleaner separately.

Another poster said if you don’t want to work with her any more then go through the proper procedure, that goes without saying.

This was my issue- the contract is quite specific in terms of her role. I have noticed over time that her duties from Monday has slowly slipped into Tuesday-Thursday. So she has been gradually spreading out a days work over the rest of the week. What was expected from her over those 3 days were 2 hours of tidying and be available to play and make the baby sleep. That is all. So if the baby had a 2 hour nap and her tidying would have been completely done at that point, I would have no problem in her doing whatever else she wanted to do and just be available if the baby woke up to settle her. The issue I have is that she is never able to do anything for Tuesday- Friday because she is always busy spreading out her one days work over the rest of the week.

The problem has resolved itself. She blew up at me today, she came in a really bad mood and ignored the kids very slyly. I handed the baby over to her to help my dc pack their bags and just took the baby in a very rough way and I had enough. I said this isn't acceptable anymore, before I could complete my sentence she blew up at me grabbed her coat and walked out and slammed my door! We were all shocked and shaken. I had to ask a school friend of one of the dc to please take them to school even though it's out of their way. I need to plan how to get them picked up.

I need someone full time more as a backup for when I'm ill. So while that isn't frequent, when it happens I'm completely out of it. If it coincides with dh being away then we are really stuck and stressed. The contract clearly outlined our home situation and we made sure the person understood that. She was great initially, until she saw how much I relied on her when things got tough for me and that is when she started taking advantage of me.

Op what illness do you have? I haven't seen it disclosed that's all. It might help for people to make suggestions, like getting a taxi with your dc at a certain time to the school which is prearranged then taxi back?

I wonder if the nanny is resentful because you are at home. The fact she was the only one that wanted to fill that role then its gone soar suggests there's more to the story your not telling us.

Also op if your illness is so bad it's affecting your ability to care for your dc then your dh needs to reduce his work and find a job where he's either wfh or is local and flexible. I can't see you finding anyone to need all those needs unless you divide the job roles up.

I am glad it has ended for everyone's sake so that you can move on. Your comment though that she would have no expectations Tues - THurs other than a couple hours of tidying and being on call should you need 30 minutes to yourself - isn't really fair either. She has nothing to do on those days. a good nanny / housekeeper isn't going to want to lie on the couch for 3 days a week while her boss watches you. So spreading Mondays work over the course of the week makes sense.

I agree with others that an au pair and a cleaner might be a better option for you. The au pair can work 30 hours a week and do split shifts (3 hours in the am and 3 hours in the afternoon) and the cleaner can be there during the gap when the au pair isn't working. That way you always have another adult present in case of an emergency but they will be a better fit for the work you need. Make the housekeeper aware that you might occasionally need them to take a break from cleaning and bounce a baby for 15 minutes while you do whatever you need to do.

I still maintain her attitude sucks and that alone is reason to get rid - because she should still speak to you respectfully and professionally.

BUT.... if she considers her job some house keeping and keeping an eye on the kids during school and then all of a sudden when you are ill she needs to do that AND look after a baby, that doesn't seem very fair. I couldnt' do two deep cleans a week, and tidy and meal prep and look after a 10 month old on my own, all within school hours. So I would say when you are unwell so she needs to look after the baby you should then only expect the cleaning a nanny would do (tidying after baby, children meals times, light child related housework etc)

She's paying someone 4k a month to do this. I don't get why the nanny can't help properly.

@Starlitestarbright sorry that reply was not meant to be for you.

Why should the nanny be resentful that the mum is at home and sharing the care for the baby. She knew this. Why did she take the job in the first place then.

As long as you're not also expecting her to do deep cleaning whilst she's looking after the baby as well ?

I am assuming that when you're ill, she does only baby relayed and child related things ? Whereas when you're better, she does more cleaning- is that correct ?

Sounds like it's sorted. I think you need to carefully consider (1) what you need and (2) what is reasonable to ask of one person. I would say 40 hrs a week, plus whatever extra baby sitting you weant, looking after 3 kids including a small baby while doing deep cleans and sort outs, is probably too much for one person.
We had a childminder that would do morning and afternoon care for our older too. Is that an option if they'd be willing to collect? With a cleaner a couple of times a week too.