Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH thinks I only love him for money

278 replies

namechanged4thiss · 30/03/2023 14:28

I should start off with saying he doesn't have any f-ing money!

DH quit his job late last year because he wanted to start his own business (he previously earned around £36k). I wasn't best pleased about this but accepted he really wasn't happy so grudgingly agreed. He also has health issues so he found his previous desk job difficult, I accept this.

We have some money that his parents lent us. He is using this for his business and to cover household bills. At some point we will need to pay some of this back. They have said not for 10 years so it doesn't matter too much if this is all spent. We worked out we can live off it until around September, then shit hits the fan because I can't cover all costs on my salary alone.

We've argued today because I'm sick of him spending so much money and from my point of view not working hard enough on his business. Yesterday he dropped DS at nursery then went to the gym and worked out and had a sauna. Got home at 12. Then announced he was off to lunch with a friend. He probably did 2 hours of work max.

He has no concept of budgeting and spent £1k on an item he wanted but he says is for his business. This irritates me because I feel like I am sacrificing a lot, and he's not.
I have had a promotion recently (now earn £50k) and feel like I see no benefit because I need to make sure as much goes in the joint account as possible.

DH says my love for him is conditional on money. I say he's being an unrealistic twat. AIBU?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 30/03/2023 14:33

I don't think any adult has the right to be financially subsidised by their partner, It seems to work for some people but it obviously doesn't work for you and it wouldn't work for me, he is virtually a SAHP dabbling in running his own business leaving you to subsidise his choice. Not on.

NameChange60000 · 30/03/2023 14:34

Hes ridiculous

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/03/2023 14:40

How much would it cost you to divorce him? He’s a delusional mill stone around your neck.

parietal · 30/03/2023 14:40

ask him what will happen in September. don't take vague answers. tell him you are worried and need to plan for worst-case scenarios.

CheersForThatEh · 30/03/2023 14:43

When you say "we" have some money that his parents lent "us"....

Who is going to pay that back? Because it sounds like he is pissing it down the drain and using setting up a business as an excuse to slack off because he knows youll find him for months or years longer.

You need to sit down and tell him from today he pays a fair share towards the household and demonstrates how he is planning to draw down the money and when he thinks he will be making money. If he is setting up a shop does he have premises, stock? If he is selling a service, has he started bringing in clients and when will that be?

Has he got a business plan or is he just pissing off and buying a Macbook with his parents money and opening up a facebook page?

Original poster
namechanged4thiss · 30/03/2023 14:43

See, this is what I was thinking but he's making me doubt myself. I've been thinking I'm a terrible person and I should just be more supportive...

I don't know how divorce would work. He has no income! How would he live?

OP posts:
Supersimkin2 · 30/03/2023 14:44

He’s cruising and the business won’t work. What does he love you for, exactly? Cos his plans are to live off you.

Ktime · 30/03/2023 14:44

Dump him now before he can argue he is SAHP.

Original poster
namechanged4thiss · 30/03/2023 14:45

CheersForThatEh · 30/03/2023 14:43

When you say "we" have some money that his parents lent "us"....

Who is going to pay that back? Because it sounds like he is pissing it down the drain and using setting up a business as an excuse to slack off because he knows youll find him for months or years longer.

You need to sit down and tell him from today he pays a fair share towards the household and demonstrates how he is planning to draw down the money and when he thinks he will be making money. If he is setting up a shop does he have premises, stock? If he is selling a service, has he started bringing in clients and when will that be?

Has he got a business plan or is he just pissing off and buying a Macbook with his parents money and opening up a facebook page?

This is also worrying me. If we divorce I will be liable for half I imagine.

There is a chance (if we stay together) his parents won't ask for it back. But if we divorce I guarantee they'll want "my half" back

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 30/03/2023 14:47

Worth getting legal advice now to see what a split would look like.

Rarar · 30/03/2023 14:48

DH says my love for him is conditional on money

I would come straight back with 'no, it's conditional on feeling I have an equal partner who does their best to contribute and puts their family first', because presumably that's what you signed up for. He knows fine well he is being selfish and self indulgent and of course he doesn't like being called out on it, which is exactly why you need to continue doing so OP.

He's easing into cocklodger territory by stealth and you need to keep shining a light on it until it's clear to him you won't stand for it. The risk is that you will end up feeling more like his 'mummy' than his wife and that will kill any attraction you ever felt for him stone dead.

Ktime · 30/03/2023 14:48

namechanged4thiss · 30/03/2023 14:45

This is also worrying me. If we divorce I will be liable for half I imagine.

There is a chance (if we stay together) his parents won't ask for it back. But if we divorce I guarantee they'll want "my half" back

Show quote history

Might be worth setting out how much he has spent of that money now.

Helpwhatwouldyoudonext · 30/03/2023 14:49

You'll be able to save up 'your half' faster if you're not paying for his gym, sauna & lunch.

GabriellaMontez · 30/03/2023 14:50

Conditional on money.

Yes. Conditional on him pulling his weight (within his capabilities) to earn enough money to live reasonably. To make plans for your medium and long-term future together. Not leaving you to carry the burden alone, indefinitely.

This is classic gaslighting. And I know it's a word that's overused at the moment... but he is accusing you of what he's doing!

FetchezLaVache · 30/03/2023 14:52

Let me guess. His "business" is related to his hobby in some way.

Hoppinggreen · 30/03/2023 14:54

FetchezLaVache · 30/03/2023 14:52

Let me guess. His "business" is related to his hobby in some way.

I would argue that by the sounds of the whole thing is a hobby rather than a Business.
Businesses make money or at least have a clear plan about how and when they will.
Sounds like this bloke is playing at it

Original poster
namechanged4thiss · 30/03/2023 14:56

Rarar · 30/03/2023 14:48

DH says my love for him is conditional on money

I would come straight back with 'no, it's conditional on feeling I have an equal partner who does their best to contribute and puts their family first', because presumably that's what you signed up for. He knows fine well he is being selfish and self indulgent and of course he doesn't like being called out on it, which is exactly why you need to continue doing so OP.

He's easing into cocklodger territory by stealth and you need to keep shining a light on it until it's clear to him you won't stand for it. The risk is that you will end up feeling more like his 'mummy' than his wife and that will kill any attraction you ever felt for him stone dead.

See his response to this would be "but I do all the pickups" (he does probably half) so I do pull my weight!

He genuinely believes he's going to make enough money and me being negative is my "scarcity mindset" - his words.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechanged4thiss · 30/03/2023 14:58

The business has the potential to make money if he actually works on it.

I wouldn't say it's a hobby business... but it definitely is a lifestyle thing. He has to pay for lots of expensive courses to train for it.

OP posts:
ConcordeOoter · 30/03/2023 15:01

Less than a year seems quite early on - 1. what sort of business is it and 2. when is it projected to break even?

If you don't know the answer to 2, he should be able to answer or at the very least have a specific and intelligent explanation of why he can't say.

If he doesn't, and he "has no concept of budgeting" then he needs to pull his finger out and you can ask him to aim at a well-run successful business with specific attainable objectives, rather than having a general notion and nice lunches. Time is ticking, money is running down, the sooner he kills the boy so the man can run the business, the better

Hoppinggreen · 30/03/2023 15:02

namechanged4thiss · 30/03/2023 14:58

The business has the potential to make money if he actually works on it.

I wouldn't say it's a hobby business... but it definitely is a lifestyle thing. He has to pay for lots of expensive courses to train for it.

So it’s an expensive hobby then?
Does he have a Business Plan? When will he break even?

Original poster
namechanged4thiss · 30/03/2023 15:08

There is no business plan... "it will just make money"

OP posts:
DelurkingLawyer · 30/03/2023 15:08

I’d be taking urgent advice as to your position if you divorce including the terms of this loan.

Have a careful think as to what the terms were (nb they do not need to have been in writing). What did they and you say or write when they agreed to loan it to him/you? Did you sign anything? Were you aware of the loan before it was made and did you have any direct discussion with them about it before it was finalised? Was it paid into a joint bank account? If it was all arranged by your H without your knowledge and paid into his account (ie basically you were presented with a done deal), it is less likely that a court would accept it was made to you jointly.

GrumpyPanda · 30/03/2023 15:09

Does he have a proper business plan and if so, has it been vetted professionally? If he's doing this off his parents' money, then presumably he hasn't had to secure a bank loan for it which would at least have been a first line of defense. Has anybody else other than you and he had a critical look at what he's doing?

GrumpyPanda · 30/03/2023 15:12

Cross-posted. "It will just make money" is bollocks. You should insist on having an external advisor assess the viability of what he's doing. Otherwise, talk to a solicitor about how you can protect your own finances.

Therealjudgejudy · 30/03/2023 15:15

Is the loan from his parents in writing?

Swipe left for the next trending thread