DH thinks I only love him for money

[namechanged4thiss]

I should start off with saying he doesn't have any f-ing money!

DH quit his job late last year because he wanted to start his own business (he previously earned around £36k). I wasn't best pleased about this but accepted he really wasn't happy so grudgingly agreed. He also has health issues so he found his previous desk job difficult, I accept this.

We have some money that his parents lent us. He is using this for his business and to cover household bills. At some point we will need to pay some of this back. They have said not for 10 years so it doesn't matter too much if this is all spent. We worked out we can live off it until around September, then shit hits the fan because I can't cover all costs on my salary alone.

We've argued today because I'm sick of him spending so much money and from my point of view not working hard enough on his business. Yesterday he dropped DS at nursery then went to the gym and worked out and had a sauna. Got home at 12. Then announced he was off to lunch with a friend. He probably did 2 hours of work max.

He has no concept of budgeting and spent £1k on an item he wanted but he says is for his business. This irritates me because I feel like I am sacrificing a lot, and he's not.
I have had a promotion recently (now earn £50k) and feel like I see no benefit because I need to make sure as much goes in the joint account as possible.

DH says my love for him is conditional on money. I say he's being an unrealistic twat. AIBU?

Personally he shouldnt have quit until the business was making money at least hed still have an income of sorts guaranteed. When the money runs out from youre parents dont give him any money for needless stuff. obviously food and bills have to be paid if he wants luxuries ie gym, spa lunch out he should fund that himself its for him not you. Open a seperate account in youre name only do not tell him about it in case the relationship goes tits up. if you have a joint account its just for bills rent/mortgage etc food put only that money in it. put the rest in youre seperate account. if necessary change logging in bank details a bit mutch i know but. needs must as he could leave you high and dry.

A lot of coaching falls somewhere between a legitimate business and an MLM, so even if it's not strictly an MLM that doesn't mean it's a legitimate way of making money.

I am good friends with a business coach. She worked in HR for decades, primarily within organisational development, in large companies. She helped create their talent strategies - so, how should we treat graduates, what route do we have to spot 'shop floor' talent and develop it, how do we stretch middle managers to create the seniors of the future. This led to her specialising in 121 coaching, and her employers paid for her to do a lot of training. She eventually went freelance with around a decade of solid experience, has since studied for her masters and has thousands of hours of experience.

Does this sound like your husband?

But here's the thing - even with all that experience (and she's really, really good at what she does) she struggles to find clients. Even she has been 'victim' to the 'six figure coaches' and has paid ££££s to go on the kind of courses you talked about up-thread.

Some coaching is legit, but it's a crowded industry and unless you have an 'in' to the big companies who will still pay for coaches in today's tough economy you don't have a hope. Don't let the fact it's not really an MLM lull you into a false sense of security.

My friend is great, works hard, and helps people, but as an industry, coaching is a bit of a cess pit for both coachees and practitioners.

I’d be saying bye bye. He’s still a child that needs to grow up. If someone isn’t enhancing your life in some way then it’s not worth it.

No one has asked if OP still loves her man. Is he a good man? Perhaps research this new venture together to see if prospects as poor as some are suggesting. Stay supportive but be informed. Good luck

who'd want a downbeat loser who as an adult lives off the bank of mum & dad as a life coach FFS?

She doesn't need to be asked and it's a bit irrelevant as still it's possible to feel love for someone we know is hurting or wronging us. It is clear he isn't a 'good man'. He might not be evil but he is certainly immature and selfish. The real question the OP needs to now answer is 'Can he change?'.

Only you can decide if you dump him (which I would be considering if he doesn’t pull his weight really fast). This poster is right - if it came to family court he can claim he is the SAHP and you could end up with your kids at the weekend. There’s nothing wrong with SAH dad’s but my ex tried to push for this not because he wanted to be a dad but because he didn’t want to work. He is definitely manipulating you into thinking you’re after his money when he is not contributing anything other than mummy and daddy’s money which you’ll have to pay back.

Good to hear that you are taking a pragmatic approach to the loan issue.

There are two important actions you need to take to protect yourself:

One: Take note of what others are saying about him being a SAHP - if you divorce, and he claims that he is the main childcare provider, he may get to be the resident parent and you will have to pay him maintenance.
Keep careful notes, a daily diary, about how much time each day he spends 'working' (i.e. at the gym or lunches) and how much time he spends doing actual childcare. You may need this as evidence.

Two: get yourself a new bank account and have your salary paid into it. Then transfer over to the joint account only your fair half of household and joint costs. Don't subsidise him.
Also, suggest to him that the remaining funds from his parents should be moved immediately into a new account solely in his name, tell him it will be his new "business" account. From which he will transfer into the joint account his half of household costs. Making sure the funds from his parents are moved solely into his name has two advantages: it makes it clear to his parents, and it makes it clear to him.

You need to separate finances NOW, not when/if you divorce.
He may be reluctant to go along with this - which will just prove to you that he is not serious about the business and intends to keep sponging off you via the joint account.
Regardless of what he does or says, you need your own account.

Walk into your house tomorrow and tell him you’ve lost your job…

Then leave the room! See if he cares about money then.

And also this with bells on when he realised you only said it for a reaction!

Who cares? If he’s financially abusive or a deadbeat a the love in the world won’t help. And if anything this is an unhelpful distraction.

This is in the paper today!

That would be a properly experienced and trained life coach with a good client base (which will have been bloody hard work to build up)
Not some muppet who has been fleeced by virtual pyramid schemes and thinks a positive mindset is more important than a business plan and/ or putting any effort in.

@namechanged4thiss
radio 4 are training a series that starts next week - looking at the 'cult' of life coach training; think it starts midweek - will be on iplayer

A Very British Cult - Welcome to... A Very British Cult - BBC Sounds

duur - trailing, not training

Harsh but true.

💯spot on. He has to be able to walk the talk.

And if he can’t do that for himself, he is hardly going to be there long term for someone else…

This is not going to be a success. Who is gong to take life coaching advice from a failure? What is so successful about his life?
This thread has hit me deep. I've had a turning point this year and visited a life coach for 2 sessions before I was going for a promotion. I'm currently going through a learning phase trying to boost my productivity, balance hormones and develop overall brain health and I've considered doing a course to become a life coach myself. People ( including my own life coach) don't give up the job first , you work hard st all areas of your life build up experience and personal development and do the bloody weekend course . Build up your clients then go part time work and part time coaching. Coaching in itself is exhausting and a lot more exhausting than a desk job.
I probably will do it. As I a have fierce determination but I certainly won't do it the way your husband is attempting it. If anything he needs to see a life coach right now, not become one.

I can’t be the only one who finds this post disturbing.

everyone has jumped feet first to absolutely destroy this bloke without knowing the full picture.

He’s been called some awful things and I think it’s pretty terrible.

I really hope OP can take the majority of these comments with a pinch of salt. Only you know your husband and whether he’s a good man/dad. Unfortunately we aren’t perfect people and sometimes we can make some shitty choices.

Please don’t go and divorce him based on the opinions of those that have never met him.

You’re the one who truly knows him and what kind of man he is. Follow your own instincts and communicate with him about it all.

I am in a similar financial position with husband who earns less in a month than I pay in tax. He works so hard and more than pulls his weight.
I also have an ex husband who behaved much like yours. I let it go on far too long when I knew deep down what the score was.
You owe your in laws nothing unless there's a written agreement, but I'd spell out precisely why it's over and leave them to sort him out.
Get some decent legal advice

I got divorced many years ago. At one point his business went belly up and he had no money. This here idiot said you'd better come home then. This was 20 years ago.
Just leave the bugger and don't do what I did.

Sometimes it isn't just an MLM.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-65175712

You seem to be at the point of considering divorce and I am not surprised, went through something similar with my ex. (Has now parked his lazy behind on someone else's sofa!, still managing to do nothing). Should you divorce his income, or lack of it, will no longer be your problem and should give you the opportunity to rebuild your life as it appears that you have a decent income. He does not have the right to 'treat himself' with your money, because that is what it is, to gym, saunas, gizmos etc when he is not putting any effort into this 'business' of his. I would give him an untimatum or reasonable time limit to either get the business going of find himself another job and stop dreaming. That is if you honestly still want to remain married to him. I didn't and was relieved to see him go in the end and the children and I did just fine, all still went off to uni and did well in their lives so don't worry, don't make excuses for him and look after yourself too.
Best Wishes

Apologies if someone has mentioned this already, @namechanged4thiss but is it the Lighthouse International Life Coaching he is doing?

By sheer coincidence I came across two things about them yesterday - on BBC sounds "A Very British Cult", and there was also something on youtube (which I can't find again - sorry, but I did find this which mentions it). They were very suspect and were closed down, but may have restarted as Lighthouse Global, apparently.

They have tiers that people have to pay to join, and they are apparently very controlling. It may be something entirely different of course.

Sorry - see hat a PP has mentioned the Sounds broadcast.

Please listen to it - it is excellent though pretty chilling.