Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH thinks I only love him for money

278 replies

namechanged4thiss · 30/03/2023 14:28

I should start off with saying he doesn't have any f-ing money!

DH quit his job late last year because he wanted to start his own business (he previously earned around £36k). I wasn't best pleased about this but accepted he really wasn't happy so grudgingly agreed. He also has health issues so he found his previous desk job difficult, I accept this.

We have some money that his parents lent us. He is using this for his business and to cover household bills. At some point we will need to pay some of this back. They have said not for 10 years so it doesn't matter too much if this is all spent. We worked out we can live off it until around September, then shit hits the fan because I can't cover all costs on my salary alone.

We've argued today because I'm sick of him spending so much money and from my point of view not working hard enough on his business. Yesterday he dropped DS at nursery then went to the gym and worked out and had a sauna. Got home at 12. Then announced he was off to lunch with a friend. He probably did 2 hours of work max.

He has no concept of budgeting and spent £1k on an item he wanted but he says is for his business. This irritates me because I feel like I am sacrificing a lot, and he's not.
I have had a promotion recently (now earn £50k) and feel like I see no benefit because I need to make sure as much goes in the joint account as possible.

DH says my love for him is conditional on money. I say he's being an unrealistic twat. AIBU?

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 30/03/2023 19:37

Back to work now.

You don’t quit work to start a business.

My Dad did this and it sent my family into a spiral from which we never recovered. It did not make for a fuck childhood.

As a PP said, go see a solicitor about protecting your finances, and be clear with him you mean business. Don’t let him pull you down.

Luredbyapomegranate · 30/03/2023 19:38

FUN not fuck

But blimey that is some Freudian slip

Luredbyapomegranate · 30/03/2023 19:40

Nosecan · 30/03/2023 18:12

I’m interested to know what subsidised really means though? I met my dh when I was really young, I left my degree and moved across the world to be with him (his idea). I worked in another capacity for 11 years, then until ds was 2 (from 2 weeks after his birth I was wfh at night). I then had another baby, ds was diagnosed as autistic and I just could not work anymore on top of caring for my children. So dh earns all the money. I realise this is over sharing but 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

It’s not relevant to this thread. He’s not looking after their kids.

ReneBumsWombats · 30/03/2023 19:41

Luredbyapomegranate · 30/03/2023 19:38

FUN not fuck

But blimey that is some Freudian slip

Your autocorrect knows you well 🤣

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 30/03/2023 19:46

Omg. He can't listen to his wife or consider her pov even briefly... what on earth makes him think he'll be adept at listening and distilling another person's issues. He can't focus on his own new business despite his parents committing large sums of money to it... Who the F is going to go to him for life coaching! 😱

He's been sucked right in, is going down with the ship and doesn't even realise it.

NameChangeNumber359 · 30/03/2023 19:51

Think about it this way OP - you are still able to contribute your full share of the household finances, your husband is not. So, effectively, the IL's money was lent to HIM to enable him to pay his way. To me, that means it is fuck all to do with you. Obviously get proper legal advice and do it before it all goes tits up.

And by the way, if he needs equipment or training or anything else for his hare-brained scheme, tell him to do it properly and get a business loan.

Ames85 · 30/03/2023 19:56

I’m sure there are plenty of men on a good salary with wives/partners they are supporting with businesses such as life coaching or passion projects who also attend the gym. That seems to be far more socially acceptable. If it’s not working for you personally though then you need to put your cards on the table about what you want to happen going forward and he can decide how is going to act on that to save your relationship

Pylor · 30/03/2023 19:58

Ames85 · 30/03/2023 19:56

I’m sure there are plenty of men on a good salary with wives/partners they are supporting with businesses such as life coaching or passion projects who also attend the gym. That seems to be far more socially acceptable. If it’s not working for you personally though then you need to put your cards on the table about what you want to happen going forward and he can decide how is going to act on that to save your relationship

I’d bet my bottom dollar that those women also do 90% of all the domestic and childcare duties, which doesn’t appear to be the case here.
If they were saving on childcare and he wasn’t splurging on crap this would be different.

C8H10N4O2 · 30/03/2023 20:00

Ames85 · 30/03/2023 19:56

I’m sure there are plenty of men on a good salary with wives/partners they are supporting with businesses such as life coaching or passion projects who also attend the gym. That seems to be far more socially acceptable. If it’s not working for you personally though then you need to put your cards on the table about what you want to happen going forward and he can decide how is going to act on that to save your relationship

The problem isn't him going to the gym nor is it running a business doing something he likes. The problem is he thinks he can start a business doing just a couple of hours work in a day. He is lazy.

I've never come across anyone who has managed to start and run a business, especially where they need to attract and clients and provide a service where they are this lazy at the outset.

Pylor · 30/03/2023 20:01

Life coach!? Oh FFS who the fuck is going to pay him for guidance? Hardly got his own life in order has he?

If he was any good he’d have an idea of what challenges laid before him and how to overcome them- including a fucking business plan!

Ignore my previous more tempered comment- please leave him.

Talia99 · 30/03/2023 20:07

Pylor · 30/03/2023 19:58

I’d bet my bottom dollar that those women also do 90% of all the domestic and childcare duties, which doesn’t appear to be the case here.
If they were saving on childcare and he wasn’t splurging on crap this would be different.

Show quote history

And traditionally, those men are well off to rich. They want a wife who runs the home, cares for the children (or at least directs the nanny), looks good and lets them concentrate on their important manly ‘big job’. Many of the women in question end up being replaced by a younger model when they reach their 40s.

While I agree that it should be equally open to a man to not work a proper job if the family can afford it, OP can’t afford a decorative spouse with an hobby job even if she wanted one (which she doesn’t) since they apparently have to borrow money to cover the bills.

EpicChaos · 30/03/2023 20:13

@namechanged4thiss " He has no income! How would he live? "

Here are some suggestions...
a) He could start a business of his own, lol.
b) He could borrow some money off his parents.
c) He could go out and get himself a job!

Funny how he doesn't seem to be asking himself, how he is going to provide his fair whack towards your joint living expenses, as well as anything for your child! Rather he seems to be prioritising having fun and enjoying himself, instead of getting his down and working hard to make a go of things.

" He also has health issues so he found his previous desk job difficult, I accept this. "

You what now?!
He doesn't seem to be having any bother with getting about and enjoying himself, without needing to ask for any reasonable adjustments.
Wouldn't running his own business impact on those health problems he has, at all?

Dovet · 30/03/2023 20:18

Sounds like he is taking the piss to be honest. I would lose total respect for him.

Ames85 · 30/03/2023 20:20

@Talia99 it’s definitely not a suitable situation for the OP despite what he may ideally like to do and if the gym and out with friends is daily then he really isn’t trying hard enough. I just find it sad to see a lot on here that some posters react so unkindly towards males when roles are reversed so I try and consider that in my reactions

Pylor · 30/03/2023 20:20

Honestly he needs to get a job- there is no reason whatsoever he can’t grow this on the side.

I’ve encountered some coaches in my time..
one was a ridiculous woman trying to avoid real work whose dad paid her rent
The others were people who were successful at their primary career who branched out into coaching.
The ones who were successful had a USP- doctors, women in business, ADHD etc

Disneyblueeyes · 30/03/2023 20:24

Viviennemary · 30/03/2023 14:33

I don't think any adult has the right to be financially subsidised by their partner, It seems to work for some people but it obviously doesn't work for you and it wouldn't work for me, he is virtually a SAHP dabbling in running his own business leaving you to subsidise his choice. Not on.

What do you mean by 'i don't think any adult has the right to be financially subsidised by their partner'?

secretskillrelationships · 30/03/2023 20:50

Even without the MLM feel of what he's doing, 20% of new businesses fail in the first year, 60% fail within 3 years. It's totally unrealistic to expect to making enough money to live on within a year of starting, and that's if he was working flat out, already had good contacts etc etc. Most of these types of businesses that are successful start out part time, run alongside employment and even then many of them fail. Being self-employed comes with its own challenges too, many of which are not obvious at the outset and you have to have enormous self discipline because it's so easy to focus on the bits you like doing and ignore the bits you don't like (even if they're necessary to drive your business forward).

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 30/03/2023 21:03

It sounds a life coach rather than be one! I find a lot of therapists are like that too. It's strange. The only thing more unsuitable would gave be marraige counsellor.

If he really wants to be self employed there are actally a few areas that he would be better off exploring:

Training as a mediator/negotiator - always good in a recession and cheaper than going the legal route

ESG advisor

Anything to with green/renewable energy

Data Analytics- lots of contracting work

His choices don't make sense, he has no plan. You gave my sympathies, I would be so fed up with him.

EmmaDilemma5 · 30/03/2023 21:07

No love is unconditional except that between a child and a parent. Are you his parent?

He needs to grow the fuck up.

OhcantthInkofaname · 30/03/2023 21:10

Essentially he is calling you a gold digger. I would remind him the next time he says that he doesn't have any gold. Any gold that comes into you household is yours to start with...

JudyGemstone · 30/03/2023 21:59

Life coach lol.
Is he Jez from peep show?

I’m a psychotherapist and we’re a bit sniffy about life coaches generally, although I’m sure there are some very good ones out there.

But it’s not really a proper job on its own, maybe if someone’s been very successful in their field and it’s more like consultancy.

babbi · 30/03/2023 22:07

Life coach 🙄
he can’t get his own act together …
honestly OP , I would end it with this very irresponsible and self indulgent man .He’s going to be a constant drain on you otherwise .

TheMatriarchy · 30/03/2023 22:10

namechanged4thiss · 30/03/2023 19:20

I was worried friends would recognise me in here. He's training to be a life coach

There is a loan agreement. The loan was paid into our joint account.

Crap so his family know what a waster he is, making you sign a loan agreement was their way of making sure you have to pay them back. Sounds like the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree.

sjxoxo · 30/03/2023 22:11

Codlingmoths · 30/03/2023 17:01

I wouldn’t pay half back to his parents if you split, unless it’s legally binding. I’d say Dh quit his job and spent your money, I worked as hard as I could to keep us going and care for our child. I’m sorry he just burnt through it but frankly it’s part of the reason we aren’t together. I won’t be paying you back the money your son frittered away, one of us has to provide for our child and it’s not looking like him.

This x100000

Therealjudgejudy · 30/03/2023 22:25

Who the hell is going to pay this deluded leech to coach them?

Most people today are struggling just to make ends meet.

Leave him OP. He doesn't respect you a jot

Swipe left for the next trending thread