Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH thinks I only love him for money

278 replies

namechanged4thiss · 30/03/2023 14:28

I should start off with saying he doesn't have any f-ing money!

DH quit his job late last year because he wanted to start his own business (he previously earned around £36k). I wasn't best pleased about this but accepted he really wasn't happy so grudgingly agreed. He also has health issues so he found his previous desk job difficult, I accept this.

We have some money that his parents lent us. He is using this for his business and to cover household bills. At some point we will need to pay some of this back. They have said not for 10 years so it doesn't matter too much if this is all spent. We worked out we can live off it until around September, then shit hits the fan because I can't cover all costs on my salary alone.

We've argued today because I'm sick of him spending so much money and from my point of view not working hard enough on his business. Yesterday he dropped DS at nursery then went to the gym and worked out and had a sauna. Got home at 12. Then announced he was off to lunch with a friend. He probably did 2 hours of work max.

He has no concept of budgeting and spent £1k on an item he wanted but he says is for his business. This irritates me because I feel like I am sacrificing a lot, and he's not.
I have had a promotion recently (now earn £50k) and feel like I see no benefit because I need to make sure as much goes in the joint account as possible.

DH says my love for him is conditional on money. I say he's being an unrealistic twat. AIBU?

OP posts:
IAteAllTheTomatoes · 30/03/2023 17:37

Part of my job involves evaluating businesses.

Success business owners work harder at the start up stage & in times of focus growth or change. They can only afford to step back once they income streams have settled.

Anyone who isn't giving 100% at the outset is pretty much doomed.

Did his parents give the money to you both or him?
Was it lodged to his sole account or your joint account?
Has he set up a company? Are you named on it in it? Director Secretary etc?

Given the shitshow, distance yourself from the business. All that money goes into business account & have him pay himself a regular wage into the household account etc.

Plan your exit. I'd also be telling him that if you married for money, a £36k salary wouldn't have cut it.

IAmTheWalrus85 · 30/03/2023 17:47

If his business is an MLM/life coaching kind of thing then he’s probably being scammed, on top of treating you like a cash point.

SummerInSun · 30/03/2023 17:50

And if his business is going to be fitness / personal training he is absolutely kidding himself. You have to be amazingly hard working, dedicated and charming to make that work - if you can even get clients, it means early mornings before people go to work and evening after they finish. And people generally only stick with a PT for a few months so you have to be constantly finding new clients.

nahnahnahnahnahnah · 30/03/2023 17:51

namechanged4thiss · 30/03/2023 15:08

There is no business plan... "it will just make money"

Oh for fucks sake.

What a loaf of shit.

Sorry, OP. Thank God you have a well paying job because this sounds like it’s going to go tits up.

Rainbow1901 · 30/03/2023 17:52

IAmInMeHoop · 30/03/2023 16:59

There is a chance (if we stay together) his parents won't ask for it back. But if we divorce I guarantee they'll want "my half" back

Then I'm sure they can produce the contract you signed to show that you owe them money and need to pay it back....No? Fuck them then.

Even if they did insist you paid your half - you have 10 years to pay it back!!

But maybe a reality check is needed here for your DH. Split everything down the middle regarding your home, mortgage, bills, childcare and then you each put your percentage in. Even if practically speaking this isn't doable then put it into a spreadsheet then you'll have proof that 'he' isn't paying his way.
My ex-DH was all for everything out of one pot but as I was the main wage earner he always got to benefit from it and when I divorced him he wanted me to pay him an allowance!!

IAmTheWalrus85 · 30/03/2023 17:54

Also, as others have said, it’s fine for your love for a romantic partner to be conditional. Conditional on pulling his weight in a partnership as much as possible. If he isn’t going to devote 7 hours a day to building his business then he can’t be using that time to have saunas and go for lunches - he needs to look after your child so that you don’t waste money on nursery fees.

nahnahnahnahnahnah · 30/03/2023 18:00

Actually, it reminds me of a friend of mine who set up a business 6 months ago.

So far she’s bought some lovely office furniture for the spare room and is spending time “thinking about” the business and her goals.

Her dh said that maybe while she was thinking about it, the children could come out of nursery to save them a shedload of cash in childcare every month.

She went properly crazy. Told everyone he was a bastard for suggesting it.

Some people don’t have a clue.

billy1966 · 30/03/2023 18:00

Separate now before he drags you down.

Do not be liable for HIS debt to HIS parents.

Spell it out to them that he is pissing their help away and you are done.
Be sure to confirm it in a text so you have proof.

Get legal advice quickly.

Partners like him, drag you down, despite your hard work.

I can only imagine how upsetting and disappointing this is, but he sees it as your place to be the family workhorse and somehow work it out while he plays at having a business.

ThIs is not fair.
Don't be drag down by his irresponsibility.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 30/03/2023 18:01

I think I'd take the emotion out of it, and come on very practical.

"Okay, evidently I'm going to be supporting you while you launch the business. So I want to see - and I'm sure the bank will want to see - a business plan, a budget, a sales pipeline, a timeline of projected profit and loss and so on. Also we need to think about how we're going to divide up domestic stuff when you're working 12 hours a day 7 days a week, which is what you're going to have to do to make this successful. I also want to see your Plan B, and possibly C."

And if he wants to know why, say, "Well, as I'm only interested in you for your money, I want to know how interested I should be."

ReneBumsWombats · 30/03/2023 18:01

If he's trying to become a PT, presumably he'll say that working out and using the sauna is work.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 30/03/2023 18:02

You have married an idiot. Sorry.

Get legal advice so you know where you stand were you to split.

Tell him he needs to work a full time job to make his “business” succeed. If he isn’t prepared to put in the hours why does he think people will pay him?

At the moment he sounds like he’s having a lovely gap year with parents and you picking up the slack.

Nosecan · 30/03/2023 18:12

Viviennemary · 30/03/2023 14:33

I don't think any adult has the right to be financially subsidised by their partner, It seems to work for some people but it obviously doesn't work for you and it wouldn't work for me, he is virtually a SAHP dabbling in running his own business leaving you to subsidise his choice. Not on.

I’m interested to know what subsidised really means though? I met my dh when I was really young, I left my degree and moved across the world to be with him (his idea). I worked in another capacity for 11 years, then until ds was 2 (from 2 weeks after his birth I was wfh at night). I then had another baby, ds was diagnosed as autistic and I just could not work anymore on top of caring for my children. So dh earns all the money. I realise this is over sharing but 🤷‍♀️

TheWernethWife · 30/03/2023 18:15

Bloody hell OP, get rid of him - you are working and he is playing Billy Big Balls with his imagimary business.

Hawkins00 · 30/03/2023 18:21

@namechanged4thiss what is his business idea

Maray1967 · 30/03/2023 18:27

IAmInMeHoop · 30/03/2023 16:59

There is a chance (if we stay together) his parents won't ask for it back. But if we divorce I guarantee they'll want "my half" back

Then I'm sure they can produce the contract you signed to show that you owe them money and need to pay it back....No? Fuck them then.

Exactly. Their money has subbed his lack of earnings. You have carried on earning. You owe them not a penny.

Mix56 · 30/03/2023 18:28

Perfect

Hoppinggreen · 30/03/2023 18:32

namechanged4thiss · 30/03/2023 15:08

There is no business plan... "it will just make money"

Oh shit

Hoppinggreen · 30/03/2023 18:40

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 30/03/2023 17:37

Part of my job involves evaluating businesses.

Success business owners work harder at the start up stage & in times of focus growth or change. They can only afford to step back once they income streams have settled.

Anyone who isn't giving 100% at the outset is pretty much doomed.

Did his parents give the money to you both or him?
Was it lodged to his sole account or your joint account?
Has he set up a company? Are you named on it in it? Director Secretary etc?

Given the shitshow, distance yourself from the business. All that money goes into business account & have him pay himself a regular wage into the household account etc.

Plan your exit. I'd also be telling him that if you married for money, a £36k salary wouldn't have cut it.

My job does too and I echo all of this

pikkumyy77 · 30/03/2023 18:51

I really don’t see what the problem is with the so called loan—if he has spent it all it doesn’t exist as an asset to be divided at the divorce. If it exists as a lump sum and you take half at the divorce I suppose you might (or might not) have an obligation to repay but there are no written terms of repayment or forgiveness so there is no clear way for them to require you to pay them back just because you divorce. You could still be in business with your ex even after a divorce for all the court knows so it would be hard to ask you to repay your half just because you divorce.

To the extent it is a real business (its not) the assets of the business aren’t really in danger just because you divorce. However the divorce would be an excellent time to formally renounce interest in the loan in exchange for him renouncing interest in your pension or marital support. If he would go for that (and he might just be dumb enough) the divorce solves more problems than it creates.

Talia99 · 30/03/2023 19:03

This. If he’s actually currently deep in the throes of a scam opportunity, he may be willing to sign away any interest in your pension / assets and agree to take on the loan in exchange for you agreeing to give up any interest in his so called business.

If he’s scamming you and has no intention of actually starting a proper business, it may be more difficult but it does sound like he’s a true believer in whatever get rich quick scheme he’s signed up for.

CanadianJohn · 30/03/2023 19:06

OP: "Yesterday he dropped DS at nursery then went to the gym and worked out and had a sauna. Got home at 12. Then announced he was off to lunch with a friend. He probably did 2 hours of work max."

I bet his "working day" is presented on his social media in a positive way... "you too can have a working day like mine..."

I don't understand the reluctance to actually say what the business is. I've been retired for 20 years, and I am no longer capable of doing my former work (machinist). If I wanted to make some money by teaching chess... something I am marginally capable of ... then I would tell everyone about it.

Outing? Don't be silly, how is a new business supposed to attract customers except by telling everyone. There's nothing to be ashamed of... or is there.

Original poster
namechanged4thiss · 30/03/2023 19:20

I was worried friends would recognise me in here. He's training to be a life coach

There is a loan agreement. The loan was paid into our joint account.

OP posts:
ChampagneCommunist · 30/03/2023 19:25

Life coach? Snake oil!

What has he done so far to get the business off the ground?

randomuser2019 · 30/03/2023 19:26

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

GoodChat · 30/03/2023 19:31

What's he planning on doing when the money runs out? How's he expecting you maintain his current lifestyle?

Tell his parents he's wasting the cash on the gym and meals out.