DH thinks I only love him for money

[namechanged4thiss]

I should start off with saying he doesn't have any f-ing money!

DH quit his job late last year because he wanted to start his own business (he previously earned around £36k). I wasn't best pleased about this but accepted he really wasn't happy so grudgingly agreed. He also has health issues so he found his previous desk job difficult, I accept this.

We have some money that his parents lent us. He is using this for his business and to cover household bills. At some point we will need to pay some of this back. They have said not for 10 years so it doesn't matter too much if this is all spent. We worked out we can live off it until around September, then shit hits the fan because I can't cover all costs on my salary alone.

We've argued today because I'm sick of him spending so much money and from my point of view not working hard enough on his business. Yesterday he dropped DS at nursery then went to the gym and worked out and had a sauna. Got home at 12. Then announced he was off to lunch with a friend. He probably did 2 hours of work max.

He has no concept of budgeting and spent £1k on an item he wanted but he says is for his business. This irritates me because I feel like I am sacrificing a lot, and he's not.
I have had a promotion recently (now earn £50k) and feel like I see no benefit because I need to make sure as much goes in the joint account as possible.

DH says my love for him is conditional on money. I say he's being an unrealistic twat. AIBU?

This is my worst nightmare OP.

DH started own business and spent 6 months building a portfolio by working every weekend whilst still working his full time job Monday-Friday.

I can't tell you how tired he was, he had about 4 hours sleep a night for 6 months+. He has now been running his business for a year full time and it's successful because he put in the dedication, hard work and determination to make it so.

Your Husband sounds lazy and like he's assuming you will fund him and your bills.

I would be telling him he needs a plan and asap otherwise divorce if it was me.

Oh Jesus, it's coaching isn't it? All he needs is an abundance mindset and to continually go on hugely expensive coach the coach courses and all will be well?

It won't and he'll never make any money off it.

I'd take legal advice but if you don't want to split, there's not an awful lot you can do apart from wait for the whole thing to fall apart.

Yes that was my reaction and with the "expensive courses" it sounds like one of the "life coach" MLMs.

Bottom line OP is that you can't start a business which will generate even a replacement for his income without a hell of a lot of hard graft. He isn't putting in the hard graft so he won't make any money.

Oh my God, that's a joke. That would horrify me.

Too many people (not just women) get guilt tripped into shit situations by others essentially telling them they're Bad People if they don't. Don't let this happen to you. Who the hell is he to complain about wanting your partner to contribute money??

Or, you could get get 100% involved in getting the business up and running so there can’t be any more excuses! Eg…. I’ve organised this meeting, done this spreadsheet/ plan/ appointment…. I need you to do this by tomorrow morning as this company( or whatever) are phoning expecting answers! I know you haven’t got time, but if you do that maybe he could do more with the kids for the time being, just to get the ball rolling.
it’s not ideal, but maybe he needs a bit of a shove!!

Why is your child even at nursery if he isn't at work? Complete waste of money. And you're doing half the pick ups! He's totally taking the piss.

Funny cause of actually think the opposite - tell him.you want to start a business, it'll take a while to make money ... When he says you can't give you your job and salary; tell him you feel like he's only with you for money.

Your Husband sounds lazy and like he's assuming you will fund him and your bills.

And his parents.

He's living off you and his parents but you're with him for money (?)

Lol

I was going to ask 'has he got a business plan' and 'when will this break even' and 'when is this business forecast to actually turn a profit?'...

But yeah, already answered - it's not going to and since you'll run out of money by september.... and it is unlikely any new business would even break even in the first year, let alone start turning a profit... this does seem doomed to failure.

Tell him you think he's right, working for yourself in your own business is a MUCH better plan and so you'll be jacking your job in too next month and starting your own business.

See if he shits the bed.

His plan is that you support both of you whilst he pisses about.

I read the OP's posts, but not most of the replies. I'm guessing the 'business' is some sort of MLN or influencer thing... the chance of making money is close to zero. However, the 'business owner' does get to swan around, go for lunches, drive a nice car, all the fun stuff.

It's not even about th money, it's about him contributing and making an effort. And right now, he's not making much effort with his business, nor is he doing much at home. And THAT is what would be driving me crazy.

If he has to do lots of training, why isn't he spending time on that every day? If he has to do other things to prepare for his business like create a website or ring clients or get certified, why isn't he doing that? if he has free time, why is he using it to have long lunches with his mates instead of to do some of the many household tasks that I suspect you are currently doing? I'm guessing that school runs is his only task?

He is being unrealistic. Own businesses can take time to get off the ground and you have to subsidise the business in either money or time, or both. I did similar to your DH, gave up my job because of the internal bitching that went on, but I already had plans to start my own business and I had a skill that meant I could get supply work while I got everything together (
legal requirements, licences etc) I had my own money to put into it. It took 9 months to come to fruition and then I had to work 80+ hours a week for several months to avoid paying someone to do those hours. Thinking you’ve got borrowed money to facilitate a lifestyle of gyms, saunas etc.. is ludicrous and he will quickly come unstuck.
Filter out as much as your money as you can. Present him with 50% of the household bills, you pay 50% then put the rest of your money in a separate account. If he was being sensible I’d say go 60/40 or even 70/30 until he’s established but I don’t think he ever will be with his financial ineptitude.

What is the business?

He has put you in the wonderful position of being the one to blame when (not if) his business fails -

You only love him for his money.
You won't support him and his business.
You don't understand.
You don't appreciate he is doing pick ups supporting you and running a business.
You are nagging him to pack it in and get a job.

When the reality is -

He doesn't know what he is doing if he doesn't have a business plan.
He is going to float along lazily for years making no profit.
He will not have set targets/deadlines that tell him when it is time to pack in the business as it is not viable.
He is going to make you feel awkward every time you even mention it until you stop asking.

You might as well rip off the plaster now as it is going to be a long painful few years if you don't and the outcome is likely to be the same.

What is the business - rough area? a trade / leisure and fitness / IT / counselling

Whats the business?

how likely is it to succeed?

Probably wasnt a good idea to give up his job without another.

Hope it works out.

I run a (small but profitable) business. It is hard work, particularly in the early stages. A 2 hour day does not cut it if you want it to be successful. Given that you cannot survive on one salary from September it probably needs to be properly up and running by June, in order to have any income at all before September. Even then, most small businesses fail due to cash flow and (depending on who your clients are) the time to collect on invoices etc. I would point out to him that unless some income is starting to come through, there will be no option other than him going back to work again. Setting up a business is very satisfying for many people, but it is not for everyone.....

This has disaster written all over it. What is his target market? How will he attract customers? etc. All valid questions he should have the answer to if his business has any hope of succeeding.

To be honest he sounds rather lazy as well as rather foolish! Sorry OP.

It's outing but some of you are along the right lines with what the business is.

We just had an argument about all of this. I'm cold apparently. I don't understand. He has life so hard (I concede he does have a health condition. That is true, it is hard). I'm not supportive.

The I'm not supportive really pisses me off.

However much it would cost to divorce him, it sounds like it will be cheaper than staying married to him.

Also, you seem to have, quite reasonably, lost respect for him. So you’ll be miserable staying married to him.

I am starting to think separating is going to end up happening.

I'll have to buy a tiny flat (we live in an expensive area) but at least it will be my responsibility alone.

Oh god. This is a nightmare because you want him to face reality, basic facts, and discuss a strategy for success... he wants to swan about putting in minimal effort for some ethereal future inevitable reward in the pipeline, and when you doubt will come without him putting in time and effort you are being unsupportive. 😱😱😱

He's on the kool aid isn't he!
Some people are cut out to be self employed and succeed from the sweat of their own brow (literally or metaphorically), others are not and need structure, a salary, a boss.

How much did his dp give you both? Can you put some away in a savings account he can't access, or have a frank conversation with his dp about him pissing it away and give it back to them

Running and starting your own business is hard and to make any money, takes time and commitment, if he's only working 2 hrs a day, it's highly unlikely to succeed tbh.

Do you have a joint account, how did he manage to get £1000 to buy this 'thing' can you agree an amount he can spend on his business and personal items a month?

Yeah my personal trainer was highly skilled and experienced, previous near Olympic performance athlete, highly intelligent and well read, trained in multiple sports and disciplines and extraordinarily hard working. And even he could not make a living from it. At times of the year he’d be down to two clients a week. So he got a full time job and did PT on the side.

His health condition isn't a reason to set up a business and then keep your foot off the gas while it fails to get off the ground.
People with difficult lives for whatever reason, health conditions included, need suitable circumstances for appropriate support and a good life.
If you have a serious health condition, which makes life an uphill climb at the best of times, don't start a new business - because everyone knows new businesses don't get off the ground by themselves so all you're doing is giving yourself an even harder challenge than if you were in a job with sick pay, pension etc etc built in.