DH thinks I only love him for money

[namechanged4thiss]

I should start off with saying he doesn't have any f-ing money!

DH quit his job late last year because he wanted to start his own business (he previously earned around £36k). I wasn't best pleased about this but accepted he really wasn't happy so grudgingly agreed. He also has health issues so he found his previous desk job difficult, I accept this.

We have some money that his parents lent us. He is using this for his business and to cover household bills. At some point we will need to pay some of this back. They have said not for 10 years so it doesn't matter too much if this is all spent. We worked out we can live off it until around September, then shit hits the fan because I can't cover all costs on my salary alone.

We've argued today because I'm sick of him spending so much money and from my point of view not working hard enough on his business. Yesterday he dropped DS at nursery then went to the gym and worked out and had a sauna. Got home at 12. Then announced he was off to lunch with a friend. He probably did 2 hours of work max.

He has no concept of budgeting and spent £1k on an item he wanted but he says is for his business. This irritates me because I feel like I am sacrificing a lot, and he's not.
I have had a promotion recently (now earn £50k) and feel like I see no benefit because I need to make sure as much goes in the joint account as possible.

DH says my love for him is conditional on money. I say he's being an unrealistic twat. AIBU?

Sounds like he is spending the money and you will be playing a v big role in paying it back.

Honestly I’d say get rid.. he sounds v childish and you deserve better. What are you getting out of this relationship? Doesn’t sound like much…

I think that's exactly it. It isn't the money as such, it's putting all the responsibility onto me. However he won't accept that. He'll just say we have his parents money and I'm worrying unnecessarily. Like I always do because of my scarcity mindset

What was the loan for? If it was for his business then it's his responsibility if you separate.

Also he's a man child.

So many men want to be the next Joe Wicks, James Smith, etc. When you actually read how they became successful, it's a long, hard graft of 10, maybe 20 years with no guarantee of a payoff at the end. Tell him to get a job and do his pt training part time until it becomes viable.

How would he live? He’d have to get a job like everyone else.

I think your husband is gaslighting you. All relationships are conditional.

Missing the point completely, but what is a 'scarcity mindset'? New one on me.

If it is Life coaching, the way he is approaching his own life shows he is doomed to be a complete failure at this. I did once have a free session from a life coach and she was brilliant. Its a really hard skill, like a good counselor. Really good at careful and skilled listening, and able to shift through the chaotic dirge spewed out by clients to draw something insightful and practically useful out of it. It’s not an easy thing to do.

Ah, well, it is meaningless drivel that serves to obfuscate the fact that it is all shit built on sand.. but it stops the disciples wising up for just long enough to bleed them of all their cash before they crash and burn.

Do you get on well with his parents? I would speak to his parents and ask if they have seen a business plan, because you're really worried that his heart isn't in it, as he spends so many hours doing things other than his business...,

The ‘scarcity mindset’ BS he is feeding you sounds very much like MLM or online guru speak. Does he have an upline (may be called a mentor or supervisor or senior or some other made up title) telling him he should ignore people who are ‘unsupportive’? If so, literally 99% of people who get involved in MLMs lose money.

He won’t listen to you - joining one of these groups is very much like joining a cult.

Even if he’s ‘just’ fallen for one of those ‘20 easy steps to becoming a millionaire’ courses (first step, find multiple suckers who will pay you several thousand pounds to do the course) the money issues will only get worse. I would suggest getting out now - you would have a good chance of the debt to his parents being assigned to him unless you’ve signed something saying otherwise and at least he hadn’t started paying for expensive courses yet. If he gets you to take out loans for the courses in your name (as the only person with an actual income), you are screwed.

Don’t doubt yourself! He’s taking the piss.

There is a chance (if we stay together) his parents won't ask for it back. But if we divorce I guarantee they'll want "my half" back

Then I'm sure they can produce the contract you signed to show that you owe them money and need to pay it back....No? Fuck them then.

I wouldn’t pay half back to his parents if you split, unless it’s legally binding. I’d say Dh quit his job and spent your money, I worked as hard as I could to keep us going and care for our child. I’m sorry he just burnt through it but frankly it’s part of the reason we aren’t together. I won’t be paying you back the money your son frittered away, one of us has to provide for our child and it’s not looking like him.

It’s an actual medical diagnosis of a psychiatric condition where someone obsesses over what they have lost or are missing.

It’s also psychobabble used by online scammers and MLMers to persuade people their reasonable doubts about shelling out hundreds or even thousands of pounds on whatever product they are shillling is because they need to ‘realign their thinking to an abundance mindset rather than a scarcity mindset’.

If the person using it isn’t a recognised academic / therapist using it in the appropriate context, be very wary.

And someone else said it earlier and much more concisely!

Thanks. I figured it was some form of bullshit, but just not one I'd heard of!
Great username, by the way @SSoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox

If did want to stay with him, or try to save this, then I’d suggest you say will get behind him and take it seriously if he takes it seriously; say he needs to consult a business advisor/ create a business plan ASAP.

I like others had a little heart sink thinking it was PT…again I’ve known so many people not make it work. The only ones I know who are thriving are a female only PT service who also do baby yoga and post birth fitness…they know their market.

If you’re thinking about leaving him then just do it now before he runs you into the ground.

If PPs and I are right that he's planning to become a PT, I would probably leave him I'm afraid unless he can be dissuaded.

The reality of it is that (unless you have some kind of home gym set up) you either need to pay £££ to an established gym to use their space or working large numbers of hours for free running classes etc to be allowed to use the space.

Plus he needs to factor in the cost of living crisis- people just can't afford PTs and similar services, and those that can don't provide a large enough customer base. My DH was the most 'successful' out of his network of PTs but he had a really unusually favourable setup with a local gym and when I say successful, I mean he had some clients and was making about £12k a year and working absolutely constantly trying to find new clients, it was all-consuming. It all went down the toilet when Covid struck, nobody could afford it any more and I said stop or I'll leave you.

If I'm wrong about his business idea, I'm guessing he is probably striking out into a totally new industry if he has to do lots of training. That sounds really unwise unless he has an absolutely stellar business plan- I can understand for example why a copywriter might start a freelance writing business, but now seems like an extraordinarily bad time to take a punt unless he's unusually astute!

That sounds like a bullshit MLM term that he's learned from whoever persuaded him to get involved in this "business."

OP, keep your money separate, tell his parents to fuck off if they want you to repay that loan (tell them is was used to fund their idle son all these months) and tell him he has one month to either get a job or go live with his mum and dad, while you start divorce proceedings.

Clearly he doesn't care about you having to hustle to keep everything afloat, and the "you only love me for money" jab is not only laughable, it shows how immature and blame-casting his mind is.

I had one of these fools. Leave him. He will
drain you.

He has a health condition...

So what?

I have at least 6, some of the life limiting.

It isn't particularly relevant, business still has to have a plan, still has to cover its costs and then make a profit.

Having a, or indeed several, health condition/s does not change that! In fact I think it makes it much more important that any business venture is neat and tidy, well planned and designed to require minimum effort, so that a/ when the main person isn't well it can tick over and b/ there is something of value beyond just that main person, that can be sold/passed on in time.

Doesn't sound like this 'business' ticks either box and in fact is just him pissing about, wasting money. Other peoples money at that.

I made sure, because my business is mostly 'me' and thus without me there would be no business, that theres room for me to be off and it not fall over, and that there are passive income streams that earn money regardless of whether I am working, ill or even dead.

He is kidding himself OP - don't let him take you down with him.

Arrange a meeting with his parents to discuss the loan. He's obviously ignoring you but he may listen if they see his spending and attitude as wasting their money.
Your Dh sounds like those gurus who say you don't need to do any work or have seed money, you're just amazingly going to get rich. He's an arse. Could you put some provisos around what he's doing eg he has to do a short business course, speak to a business advisor, write a business plan?