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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH thinks I only love him for money

278 replies

namechanged4thiss · 30/03/2023 14:28

I should start off with saying he doesn't have any f-ing money!

DH quit his job late last year because he wanted to start his own business (he previously earned around £36k). I wasn't best pleased about this but accepted he really wasn't happy so grudgingly agreed. He also has health issues so he found his previous desk job difficult, I accept this.

We have some money that his parents lent us. He is using this for his business and to cover household bills. At some point we will need to pay some of this back. They have said not for 10 years so it doesn't matter too much if this is all spent. We worked out we can live off it until around September, then shit hits the fan because I can't cover all costs on my salary alone.

We've argued today because I'm sick of him spending so much money and from my point of view not working hard enough on his business. Yesterday he dropped DS at nursery then went to the gym and worked out and had a sauna. Got home at 12. Then announced he was off to lunch with a friend. He probably did 2 hours of work max.

He has no concept of budgeting and spent £1k on an item he wanted but he says is for his business. This irritates me because I feel like I am sacrificing a lot, and he's not.
I have had a promotion recently (now earn £50k) and feel like I see no benefit because I need to make sure as much goes in the joint account as possible.

DH says my love for him is conditional on money. I say he's being an unrealistic twat. AIBU?

OP posts:
ConcordeOoter · 30/03/2023 15:19

namechanged4thiss · 30/03/2023 15:08

There is no business plan... "it will just make money"

Errr, no. I think it is reasonable to say he needs to drive with both hands on the wheel. He has stopped salaried work to pursue this and one way or another the whole family is investing in that, everyone in their own ways. He is not the only stakeholder.

ghostyslovesheets · 30/03/2023 15:19

He's taking the piss - my now ex set up his own business and he had to work 24/7 for a while to get it up and running - even now he's never 'off' work - glued to his phone and running up and down the country sorting things out - he's very successful but that takes hard work!

He's just a man of leisure at this point - with a pipe dream - while you do the work - lazy bugger

cartagenagina · 30/03/2023 15:22

I think you need legal advice.

AuntiePhoenixClaw · 30/03/2023 15:26

What is the alleged business?

Antiquiteas · 30/03/2023 15:27

How can you fucking stand to be around the lazy, sponging prick?

You’re carrying him. He can fuck off.

Justalittlebitduckling · 30/03/2023 15:27

namechanged4thiss · 30/03/2023 14:43

See, this is what I was thinking but he's making me doubt myself. I've been thinking I'm a terrible person and I should just be more supportive...

I don't know how divorce would work. He has no income! How would he live?

I don't know how divorce would work. He has no income! How would he live?

That would be his problem! But I imagine he might change his attitude quickly if he needed to.

Antiquiteas · 30/03/2023 15:28

namechanged4thiss · 30/03/2023 14:58

The business has the potential to make money if he actually works on it.

I wouldn't say it's a hobby business... but it definitely is a lifestyle thing. He has to pay for lots of expensive courses to train for it.

It’s PT-ing, isn’t it?

Cosrs a fortune to train for unless you’re funded by a gym, and then the money you earn is peanuts.

Emotionalsupportviper · 30/03/2023 15:29

namechanged4thiss · 30/03/2023 14:43

See, this is what I was thinking but he's making me doubt myself. I've been thinking I'm a terrible person and I should just be more supportive...

I don't know how divorce would work. He has no income! How would he live?

I don't know how divorce would work. He has no income! How would he live?

That's his worry.

Though if you have children, and he claims to be the resident parent, I imagine you will have to subsidise the lazy bar-steward.

Bananalanacake · 30/03/2023 15:30

Is he registered for tax, does he do tax returns, then you'll know if it's earning anything.

Sure I read a similar thread to this a while ago, have you posted about this before or are there more of them around.

It's almost laughable how he thinks you want him for his money when he doesn't have any. My DH earns 6 figures and doesn't think I want his money, he didn't earn that when we met (actually I'm more interested in his IT expertise😀).

CockSpadget · 30/03/2023 15:31

Sounds like it’s the other way round to me.

lechatnoir · 30/03/2023 15:32

He's taking the piss and you know deep down this business venture is never going to happen so I think you're prolonging the agony by not addressing it head on or telling him to fuck off. has he actually booked into any of these expensive courses? Are they online - in which case he can do them around a PT job at the very least! And who did nursery pick-ups before he jacked in his job? He is living the life of riley at your expense and how he will live if you split will be his problem not yours.

Emotionalsupportviper · 30/03/2023 15:32

namechanged4thiss · 30/03/2023 14:56

See his response to this would be "but I do all the pickups" (he does probably half) so I do pull my weight!

He genuinely believes he's going to make enough money and me being negative is my "scarcity mindset" - his words.

Show quote history

He genuinely believes he's going to make enough money and me being negative is my "scarcity mindset" - his words.

God, no! "Magical thinking". I'll bet he's trying to "manifest" customers etc.

You really need to get rid of him now. If there's nothing in writing about the loan being to both of you, then step back from it - it wasn't something you asked for, it was offered by HIS parents to help HIM realise his dream of being an astronaut/ big game hunter/ fish geneticist or whatever.

The fact that he's chosen to p*ss it against the wall and buy himself toys with it isn't down to you.

TheMatriarchy · 30/03/2023 15:33

He is projecting, that is how he feels about you, resentful that he is trapped with a no fun boring person who cramps his style just because they pay for everything. He doesnt have the ambition or motivation to make it on his own, he will bleed you dry and resent you for every second of it.
Family loans are considered 'soft' loans by the courts in the UK, there is every chance unless there is a solid contract it will be considered a gift in a divorce. Id be thinking about drawing a line under this relationship before it becomes completely financially abusive.

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 30/03/2023 15:33

Is there documentary evidence of the loan? Did you sign the loan agreement?

shreddednips · 30/03/2023 15:35

Antiquiteas, I had the same thought. My DH stopped work to become a PT and if it's that, he needs a serious rethink. The sector is saturated, it's unbelievably difficult to establish yourself and get enough clients to actually make a living, and there are no end of grifters selling online 'courses' offering to sell you the secret of how they became a multi-million-earning PT or made a fortune training other PTs etc etc. Theres something of the MLM mindset about it.

He made money but an absolute pittance and clients were constantly disappearing. In the end I told him to either get a job or lose me and he did, finally, give it up.

Apologies if it's not PT as my comment is rather irrelevant!

BlackBarbies · 30/03/2023 15:37

namechanged4thiss · 30/03/2023 15:08

There is no business plan... "it will just make money"

:/ he doesn’t sound serious at all!

WarmButteryCrumpets · 30/03/2023 15:38

How much of the childcare does he do? As op have said, he might start saying he's a sahp.

Could you manage without him at home? It does sound like you'd be better off severing the financial ties sooner rather than later

Allmyplantsdie · 30/03/2023 15:40

Speak with a solicitor. If you don’t have kids and he isn’t working (properly) I doubt you’ll be liable for half. Even if you are liable for half, better half now than carry on subsidising the lazy wotsit and still being on the hook for it later

CheersForThatEh · 30/03/2023 15:41

namechanged4thiss · 30/03/2023 14:45

This is also worrying me. If we divorce I will be liable for half I imagine.

There is a chance (if we stay together) his parents won't ask for it back. But if we divorce I guarantee they'll want "my half" back

Show quote history

Wheres the written agreement saying you'll pay it back? I can't see that you'll be liable for anything of you haven't signed anything or had any control of the money.

If you're genuinely concerned then take your half now so you can repay it. Or get him to sign an agreement that it's a business liability or something.

Dont let your worry about that stop you from taking action.

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/03/2023 15:44

This is exactly why so many small businesses go bust within the first year.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/03/2023 15:46

He has no income! How would he live?

He's a grown adult. He can work it out.

Working 2 hours a day in between the gym and sauna? Yeah, that business has success written all over it... get out now before he gets you into more debt.

Tell him to grow the fuck up and pitch in to support his family. Also explain to his parents in no uncertain terms that he has squandered their loan and that you will not be paying it back.

Stop feeling guilty and get angry. I'd be bloody furious!

Mypatioisminging · 30/03/2023 15:48

God I’d get the ick over that. He sounds thick as mince. And happy to live a life of Riley that you and his parents subsidise. Nice for him.

he will fuck about, spend all the parents money, eek it out, let you pay for him day to day then ultimately get a job in the end.

proper grabby bastard.tell him yeah it is conditional on him pulling his weight like a friggen grown up

Samsungwasher · 30/03/2023 15:48

I think that when you start to think "if we divorce" the scales have already tipped and you're probably going to do it. To be honest, if that's how you're feeling I'd take legal advice now, before he starts to drag you down with him. He's not starting a business, that takes a lot of hard work, he's out to play.

Is it gaslighting to try to throw you off track by accusing you of only loving him for money? I think it might be. The shoe is firmly on the other foot though, he's relying on your income to keep things afloat when his loan from the parents runs out.

Mypatioisminging · 30/03/2023 15:49

namechanged4thiss · 30/03/2023 14:43

See, this is what I was thinking but he's making me doubt myself. I've been thinking I'm a terrible person and I should just be more supportive...

I don't know how divorce would work. He has no income! How would he live?

Bank of mum and dad.

SherlockStones · 30/03/2023 15:50

He's doing this because he knows you're the safety net, you need to have a frank conversation with him that the net may be taken away if he doesn't get serious.