Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

16 year old living away from home

160 replies

mucky123 · 30/03/2023 10:18

Posting shamelessly for traffic rather than aibu as such.

My DD is currently year 10 (age 15). She would like to move out of home at 16 after she has done her GCSEs (so for yr 12). I think she wants to carry on studying at that stage rather than get a job. Her friend is moving out at that age and she would like to stay with her. I said that obviously at that age it is up to her where she lives but whilst she can live with us I would not be bankrolling her living with this friend (friend is sweet but going off the rails a bit and it would not be good for DD).
I do think it would be good for DD to live away from us by that age both for her and for us but with the option of coming home regularly (weekends, holidays or as often as she wants).
Money is no real object (I'm happy to pay for accommodation/schooling if it gives us all a happier couple of years before she is officially an adult) and she is bright but not motivated. I have looked at sixth form boarding school but I am not sure if that will be exactly what she wants as there will be an intense being with others whether she wants it or not/lots of rules which I think she will not be too keen on.

I have heard on here a few times about posters with teens that live away and come back at weekend/holidays (there was recently the 17 year old DSS who came home, got drunk and had sex with a random - it was suggested that he lived in a bedsit mid-week).

Do you know of any options that aren't boarding school as such. More like a college with a bedsit or even a job with a bedsit. I'd just like to consider all options with her and google search isn't coming up with much.

OP posts:
Houseyvibe · 30/03/2023 10:20

I'm sorry but at 16 it's not up to her where she lives. it's up to you. Boarding school is one thing and if that works for 6th form then fine but living with a friend or in a bedsit, I'll be honest, I think you're mad.

Villssev · 30/03/2023 10:20

I do think it would be good for DD to live away from us by that age both for her and for us

interesting

CandyLeBonBon · 30/03/2023 10:21

Why do you think she'd be better off away from home? How is she supposed to support herself if you are not financially responsible for her?

Comefromaway · 30/03/2023 10:24

My daughter did it but it was so that she could attend a specialist performing arts college. The college did not allow 16 year olds attending to live in a bedsit/flat though. It had to be living with a DBS checked landlord/lady or they had an arrangement with a private halls of residence and there was some supervision. They were able to move into private rented in their 2nd year.

I would not have been paying rent and living expenses for dd to simply attend a normal 6th form/college.

RenegadeMistress · 30/03/2023 10:25

To go to sixth form boarding school? Yes. To live in a granny flat attached to your house? Yes. To live in a flat by herself with a flakey mate? No.

Pleasegodgotosleep · 30/03/2023 10:28

Why don't you want to parent your child?

LittleMG · 30/03/2023 10:32

I’d be horrified if my kid wanted to move out at 16, why??? I mean they aren’t an adult in my mind until 18. I’d be so worried, the drinking, going out at all hours. Absolutely not.

TheTeenageYears · 30/03/2023 10:33

There are further & higher education colleges which have accommodation facilities for Sixth form. They tend to be at colleges which have land based courses but they do A levels, BTEC's etc. Hartpury is one and there's one in Northamptonshire. We looked at one for DS but as we are abroad it wasn't the right option - he needed more support on hand than they could offer. It's much like uni halls but monitored. Many of the students go home at weekends which again would not have been good in our circumstances but it might be the right level of independence for DD.

TennisWithDeborah · 30/03/2023 10:34

A kid from my school went away to a specialist sixth form like the PP and the living scenario was the same.

Another one was scouted by a modelling agency and lived with a chaperone figure in NYC until she was about 17.5 I think.

It is rare to be living completely independently immediately after GCSEs. Youngsters of that age are seldom ready.

LookingOldTheseDays · 30/03/2023 10:34

You sound sinsanely detached from your own daughter.

I do think it would be good for DD to live away from us by that age both for her and for us

Why? I left home at that age, but I wouldn't say that it's a good thing.

Brieandme · 30/03/2023 10:36

If you're in the UK then there won't be any options other than sixth form boarding, because 16 (now that is is still compulsory school age) is considered a child and too young to live alone. Exceptions are hostel type accommodation with support staff, but they are for estranged children and children transitioning out of the care system (eg children's homes/foster homes) - certainly not places for those with a choice in the matter.

Pinkdelight3 · 30/03/2023 10:36

I said that obviously at that age it is up to her where she lives

Not obvious at all. The vast vast majority of 16yos don't move out for good reason. If she was mine, she'd be waiting till she was 18yo. What's the rush? She doesn't have to be home much, but it's a better base while she studies, works, saves up etc. Sounds like she just wants to emulate her friend and it's your job to be wiser than that and keep some boundaries. Boarding school would be the only alternative.

WandaWonder · 30/03/2023 10:39

To stay with a relative possibly, I will refrain from saying what I really think

Ruffpuff · 30/03/2023 10:40

I wanted to move out at 16. I realised there was no way I could afford it while still in school. It was part of what kept me motivated to complete my A-levels, I knew I could move out as soon as I was 18 to go to university!

If I’m honest, I was way to naive and immature to live by myself at that age anyway.

MichelleScarn · 30/03/2023 10:40

@mucky123 I do think it would be good for DD to live away from us by that age both for her and for us who's the 'us' you her dad and birth family? New relationship with step/half sibs?

Original poster
mucky123 · 30/03/2023 10:42

TheTeenageYears · 30/03/2023 10:33

There are further & higher education colleges which have accommodation facilities for Sixth form. They tend to be at colleges which have land based courses but they do A levels, BTEC's etc. Hartpury is one and there's one in Northamptonshire. We looked at one for DS but as we are abroad it wasn't the right option - he needed more support on hand than they could offer. It's much like uni halls but monitored. Many of the students go home at weekends which again would not have been good in our circumstances but it might be the right level of independence for DD.

This would be the kind of thing I was thinking about. Giving her the option of a halfway house so that she feels she has that independence but is really still quite protected and can come home when she wants. It may be by the time she has finished her GCSEs she feels that she has more independence anyway at home so she doesn't still want to move out.

OP posts:
whatstheprocedure · 30/03/2023 10:45

Friend tried it at sixteen whilst still at school, parents were willing to pay for a 1 bed flat etc.

Far as I recall she lasted one week before she was back at her mum’s .. once she realised how much she suddenly had to do and pay for her by herself and how impossible that was when expected to be in school Mon-Fri!!

Not worth it til 18. Even then I’ve seen lots of 18 y/os go back to mum and dad very quickly.

xogossipgirlxo · 30/03/2023 10:48

I lived away for a year at that age and came back home. I was just missing being at home too much, not among strangers, even though you might be friends with someone. You are basically all by yourself with cooking etc. and sometimes you just want to be among family. I moved out of my parents house without issues at the age of 20 to live with my boyfriend, now husband. I was more than ready then and I'm coping very well as adult.

FrenchandSaunders · 30/03/2023 10:49

She's 16!! No way would I allow this, and you do have a say in it as she can't fund it herself. Especially with a mate who is 'going off the rails'. This is a really tricky age (I have two DDs, early 20s), and they need a lot of input to stay on the straight and narrow.

passiveaggressivenonsense · 30/03/2023 10:52

Do everything you can to stop her living with a friend who's ' going off the rails' 16 is so young and a pivotal moment for life choices. She won't have the maturity to know yet which choices are good ones.

Flatandhappy · 30/03/2023 10:53

Wow, if any of my kids had wanted to move out at 16 I would have considered that I had done a pretty shit job as a parent!

AlexaFeedMyKids · 30/03/2023 10:55

Why would you want her to move out at 16 and in with someone who you know is going off the rails and not good for your DD? Make it make sense.

Invisimamma · 30/03/2023 10:58

I moved out at 16. I shared a flat share in the city for 3 months over the summer and worked until I moved into university accommodation in the September.

It depends on her maturity level. I was very diligent and ambitious, with a network of similarly minded friends . I was earning and able to manage my money and then got student loans. I was only 45mins from home. I loved it and wouldn't change it although looking back it was pretty young.

Nanny0gg · 30/03/2023 10:58

I can't believe you're so relaxed about a 16 year=old wanting to leave home. They really need their family at that age - so many changes to navigate

Nanny0gg · 30/03/2023 10:59

Invisimamma · 30/03/2023 10:58

I moved out at 16. I shared a flat share in the city for 3 months over the summer and worked until I moved into university accommodation in the September.

It depends on her maturity level. I was very diligent and ambitious, with a network of similarly minded friends . I was earning and able to manage my money and then got student loans. I was only 45mins from home. I loved it and wouldn't change it although looking back it was pretty young.

How long ago was this?

And were your parents ok with it?