16 year old living away from home

[mucky123]

Posting shamelessly for traffic rather than aibu as such.

My DD is currently year 10 (age 15). She would like to move out of home at 16 after she has done her GCSEs (so for yr 12). I think she wants to carry on studying at that stage rather than get a job. Her friend is moving out at that age and she would like to stay with her. I said that obviously at that age it is up to her where she lives but whilst she can live with us I would not be bankrolling her living with this friend (friend is sweet but going off the rails a bit and it would not be good for DD).
I do think it would be good for DD to live away from us by that age both for her and for us but with the option of coming home regularly (weekends, holidays or as often as she wants).
Money is no real object (I'm happy to pay for accommodation/schooling if it gives us all a happier couple of years before she is officially an adult) and she is bright but not motivated. I have looked at sixth form boarding school but I am not sure if that will be exactly what she wants as there will be an intense being with others whether she wants it or not/lots of rules which I think she will not be too keen on.

I have heard on here a few times about posters with teens that live away and come back at weekend/holidays (there was recently the 17 year old DSS who came home, got drunk and had sex with a random - it was suggested that he lived in a bedsit mid-week).

Do you know of any options that aren't boarding school as such. More like a college with a bedsit or even a job with a bedsit. I'd just like to consider all options with her and google search isn't coming up with much.

I was living in a bedsit one week after my 16th birthday. It was hell!
There is no way I would have allowed one of my children to do the same.

Sorry I cross posted with you. She doesn't sound like a child who is off the rails at all though. It just sounds like you want to teach her a bit of a lesson

I thought I knew it all at 16 too - couldn’t wait for independence. In hindsight I’m glad I wasn’t allowed all the freedom I wanted, and I had plenty as I was boarding full time and my parents were living abroad so I was carting myself around the UK and Europe aged 16. There’s plenty of freedom in a boarding school set up whilst not having to do boring adult stuff like pay bills; what you aren’t allowed to do is whatever the hell you like. If your DD is resisting those strictures she is not ready to leave home. The “independently funded friend” also rings alarm bells particularly as you don’t know where the money is coming from or how long it (or the friendship) will last.

As PP’s said, at 16 she cannot sign contracts in her own name so she will not be independent at all, she’s reliant on over 18s until she is one herself.

Whilst I really sympathise - we have had a couple of really bad years with DD although for different reasons - I also think for her own good you need to offer her the sixth form boarding option or home.

What you're describing is normal teen behaviour (thinking they know best, being headstrong etc). She hasn't gone off the rails and the relationship hasn't broken down.

It is beyond belief that you think her moving out would be for the best. I don't know whether this is real, but I hope it isn't.

I agree with Looking, what you are describing is normal teen behaviour.

But 16 isn't uni that is only starting alevels in the September.
There's a hell of a lot of difference in maturity and ability to look after yourself before starting a levels v starting uni.

There are companies that find suitable families who host foreign students/ home stay arrangements for teens aged 14-18. I know there were companies in Kent but this was before BREXIT.

Would it be possible to maybe turn her bedroom into more of a bed sitter with a social space? Or is there a relative who may want ‘help’ around the home and is willing to sacrifice some space in their home?

I would also be very cautious because it’s not necessarily the maturity level of your child but the possibly nefarious intentions of others who would identify a teen in a potentially independent living situation.

How are things for her at home? Does she have underlying issues at school or socially that may also be driving this idea. Whilst most teens want independence and will say they want to leave home, usually it’s just about testing boundaries.

I’ve worked with teens for twenty years and strongly feel that they need almost as much supervision as toddler, just it involves a lot more pizza, petrol and patience. If she lives away and not in a boarding school situation I’d say that geography alone will seriously impede your ability to parent, she will always have somewhere to run away to if things are said that she doesn’t like but needs to hear. If pushed, I would say boarding or a structured home stay and if it’s a home stay she has to pay some of the cost from a part time job. Tricky one, good luck!

A summer born child in Scotland could move out at 16 and start uni a few mths later at 17.

No I started uni at 16, quite common in Scotland. I had my Highers and an unconditional uni offer at 16 (turned 17 in the Dec after starting uni).

@MsRead - the home stays are literally staying in another family's home for a few weeks while attending language school. They're not foster care!

My 16 year old doesn't live with me anymore and it's a disaster in many ways.
He's with a relative who isn't really a parental figure so he does what he wants mostly and gets away with murder.

Its hard to parent them when they're not at home and they definitely still need parenting at that age. I don't see him at weekends either as he's 80 miles away in London so it's not easy.

I had to say yes to the move in my situation but if I were you I'd say no.

Home stays attached to full time colleges are set up so that the family you stay with have a lot of responsibilities which include providing breakfast and evening meal, laundry and they had to either provide a lift to college or be within easy reach of public transport. Dd had to follow the rules of the home.

Without going into detail, home is very, very hard. She is a confused but headstrong young person. She cannot accept any boundary or advice. She thinks she knows everything. She has always been fiercely independent

she is a teenager OP

i do sympathise and empathise but I suspect she is testing you. She wants you to say “No Way do I want you to move out!! Your my daughter, I love you, I want to be under the same roof as you, I want us to work through this difficult period - together!”

what she doesn’t want you to do I suspect is take her seriously and actively assist her moving out

Honestly OP, to me she sounds like a child with MH problems who thinks they will all be solved by moving out. It won’t solve her issues, it will likely just make things worse (but I also get the impression she won’t understand that).

I would look at boarding options too, so she still has one foot in the door (and frankly it will be a hard bump down to earth once she’s experienced that and she might realise home isn’t so bad after all).

I also have a fiercely independent DD, but she also knows that she needs me and she needs her home so our situation is different. But you’ve done the right thing saying you won’t bankroll her living with her friend, frankly that would be a disaster!

16! Wow, that's young. Even at university age most students spend the first year in halls to adjust to their new-found independence.

My youngest wants to join the navy when he finishes his GCSEs
His choice that I will support if he doesn't change his mind... he's an October birthday so will be closer to 17 than 16
Depends on the maturity of the kid I think

You tell your child she attends an appropriate 6th form boarding or she lives at home until she finishes education & has a job to support herself. To be honest she doesn’t sound very mature to me a she clearly hasn’t though about the practicalities of how she will support herself.

does she have a job? NO
can she pay rent, council tax & every other bill? NO
does she have a deposit or the funds to equipment a flat? NO
can she enter into any legal agreement such as a lease when under 18 without an adult? NO

I think you all need to sit down & have a serious conversation about what being an independent adult actually involves.

In the eyes of the law she is a child not an adult.

The more of your replies I read OP the more I think you've lost the plot and are scared of saying No to your DD. You clearly have money to support her and to all intents and purposes she's just a stropping teen pushing boundaries and you are feeding that. Give her the option of boarding school. If she doesn't like it she can crack on at home. year 10's do push boundaries, it is probably the hardest years along with year 9. I'm sure she's no different to millions of other year 10 girls and pandering to this won't do her any favours at all and probably will harm her .

Absolutely bonkers.
Even setting aside the fact she can't rent, and will still have to be in education or training, how disengaged with your child do you have to be to be even entertaining such an idea?

Teens are headstrong and frequently obnoxious and ungrateful. 15 is pretty much peak age (I had four all at once!) One of mine WAS horrific, not just headstrong but did all sorts of illegal things and was just very very hard to tolerate.
He would have loved to have his own place so that he could do what he liked, for certain!

But we had responsibility for him, so we just kept our boundaries, and waited for him to mature.. which he did; by about 18 he was a lot more sensible, not so keen to move out and actually lived at home til his mid twenties in the end.

Letting a headstrong child.. because she is a child, move in with a not sensible friend is just a major disaster. Boarding school if she really wants to try it.. yes. Might make her a bit more grateful and at least you can relinquish her without much guilt.

I really hope this is a wind up though because she needs parenting!

You cannot underestimate how much your child needs stable parenting between 16/18. I would gently but firmly issue a flat no.
Boarding school? Maybe. Other than that, no.

Very different to what’s being proposed here

The OP asked for suggestions at no point did I suggest it would be foster care.

@Ripleysgameface that must be devastating for you

Absolutely bonkers. My DD1 was impossible and off the rails at that age. If she'd moved out I think she would have gone down a very dark path. With firmness pushing lots of tears she is now a wonderful 21yr old flourishing at uni.
I'm curious if she's your oldest? This is hard age. This is where you really need to parent them. Not give up on them. Awful idea.

Boarding school - preferably some distance away from flakey friend but more so to foster the sense on independence and “living away” if popping home isn’t an option

Weekly boarding somewhere nearby ish so she can pop home at the weekend from 1-2 hrs away

Good behaviour bond with cash into a savings scheme so she can go travelling in the summer holidays / other times as appropriate.