Page 7 | 16 year old living away from home

mucky123 · 2023-03-30T09:18:48+00:00

Posting shamelessly for traffic rather than aibu as such. My DD is currently year 10 (age 15). She would like to move out of home at 16 after she has done her GCSEs (so for yr 12). I think she wants to carry on studying at that stage rather than get a job. Her friend is moving out at that age and she would like to stay with her. I said that obviously at that age it is up to her where she lives but whilst she can live with us I would not be bankrolling her living with this friend (friend is sweet but going off the rails a bit and it would not be good for DD). I do think it would be good for DD to live away from us by that age both for her and for us but with the option of coming home regularly (weekends, holidays or as often as she wants). Money is no real object (I'm happy to pay for accommodation/schooling if it gives us all a happier couple of years before she is officially an adult) and she is bright but not motivated. I have looked at sixth form boarding school but I am not sure if that will be exactly what she wants as there will be an intense being with others whether she wants it or not/lots of rules which I think she will not be too keen on. I have heard on here a few times about posters with teens that live away and come back at weekend/holidays (there was recently the 17 year old DSS who came home, got drunk and had sex with a random - it was suggested that he lived in a bedsit mid-week). Do you know of any options that aren't boarding school as such. More like a college with a bedsit or even a job with a bedsit. I'd just like to consider all options with her and google search isn't coming up with much.

Original poster

mucky123 · 31/03/2023 22:48

I've been (reliably) told that the police will do nothing once she is 16 to bring her back. Up until that point they might come once or twice but they don't have the resources to keep bringing even a younger teenager home. It's why the county lines stuff is so dangerous/heartbreaking - once they are in it nothing can be done until they choose to come out.

OP posts:

McGonagallshatandglasses · 01/04/2023 01:02

My 16yo moved to my parents. It was not my choice, and I have mourned. They live less than a km away and it's still hard to parent from a different house. My mother took a while to realise just how much supervision he really needs, and there's been a few times he's been essentially in charge of himself for a couple of days.

My 13yo DD is autistic and extremely difficult to live with. It absolutely doesn't matter that I love all my children, I had to support my eldest to move away in order to be able to study as he wanted.

As you've said, if she's determined to not live with you then there is nothing you can do to make her stay. I know a few people who have lived away from home at 16-18, and in each case it was the best option for the individuals, even if not obviously so to those without all the information.

I hope you can find a solution that keeps her safe and busy and removes her from whatever social influences your posts allude to. Preferably somewhere she is supported to keep a relationship with you and to be 'home' reasonably often. Her leaving to couch surf is absolutely not in her best interest. Sounds like you know that.

At that age even very responsible and seemingly intelligent humans can convince themselves that they are living in a narrative that they have made up, and if there is a peer involved who supports their alternate version of reality sometimes as a parent creativity is the only way forward.

Catclown · 01/04/2023 02:44

I moved out young. Long story but I ended up with my own council flat at 16. It was an awful block of flats, I was terrified. I lived alone in a 3 bed flat that I could not afford on McDonald's wages.
I had cheap cord carpet in 1 room that I used as a bedit. I wanted to move to a flat that wasn't in such a terrible block and went to a Labour counsellor for advice. He told me to get myself pregnant wtf!
I didn't but I am sure many would have in my situation. This was the late 90s.

I have never felt settled in a home and have moved countless times. I have children now, I got married in my 20s and I have moved my family over and over again. Only now in my early 40s have I began over the last few years to feel settled and I cant help thinking it was due to having such a grown up responsibility as a child.

My kids know they can live with us forever if they want to. They all are lucky enough to have their own room and space. They have no need to move until they are ready, both emotionally and financially to cope with such a leap into adulthood.

She may want to move out to feel more independent but she will need you more than ever as she tries to get to grips with the adult world. Even going to stay away at a 6th form I don't know if that is too young. Please encourage her to enjoy her childhood without adult worries.

Having my own flat and responsibilities at 16 was the loneliest and most frightening time of my life. It still upsets me if I think about that time in my life.

I havent read all the replies so im not sure if others have said they did it and it was the best thing ever. But what of your daughter does move out and it ruins your relationship?

Plut · 01/04/2023 08:49

KnickerlessParsons · 30/03/2023 11:21

I'm pretty sure it would flag up quite quickly on the school's "children to be concerned about" register if they found out she was living away from home at 16, whilst still in school.

You'd expect the school to offer some support? They did nothing when I was thrown out to live alone at 16. Neither did SS.

Nanny0gg · 01/04/2023 12:36

mucky123 · 30/03/2023 13:37

Thank you for your post, that was kind and thoughtful. I understand what you mean. No the relationship has not broken down and she has a safe, happy, large and comfortable home here (no blended family). We would not put her in SS accommodation (and even though she might try to get it if she thought that was a way of living on her own I doubt they would give it to her as they will see she is safe here).
She is going through a very difficult phase (has been for about 2 years). She is fine at school and does loads of extra-curricular where she is polite, helpful, friendly. She doesn't seem to be misbehaving (bit of vaping tried, not much drinking (certainly never drunk), lots of boyfriends but I'm pretty sure no sex, no staying out beyond curfews). You wouldn't think from the outside there wasn't anything wrong.
Without going into detail, home is very, very hard. She is a confused but headstrong young person. She cannot accept any boundary or advice. She thinks she knows everything. She has always been fiercely independent. She has counselling and is under camhs. I think this is just a phase but I also think she would be happier doing her own thing for at least part of the week - might make her appreciate what she has here. She is always nicer when she has been away on a scouting weekend or with school and comes back. She is travelling in the Summer on the world scout jamboree to Korea and she can't wait, the thought of the independence, being with other young people. She is attractive, vivacious and other young people seem to love her (boys and girls) although she only lets them get so close. We are by nature more homey, less interesting and she is quite scornful of us.

What I want is to show her possibilities of different types of future that is not staying here and going to the same school. There is independence at 18 but that seems like a lifetime away when you are 15 but if one of these schools/colleges take her fancy maybe she can imagine herself there and maybe she can aspire to that.

Show quote history

Is there anyway of giving her more independence at home?

So she is responsible for shopping, cooking, laundry, cleaning etc for herself? Can her room be set up as a bedsit or do you have any other spare space?

You're there but not there - she has a time for the kitchen so you don't 'interfere' but she can join you for dinner sometimes. You're available if she wants to talk

The only dealbreaker I would have is that she tells you (and sticks to) what time she will be in and that she is contactable.

Slightly less drastic and worrying than her moving out altogether.

Very hard OP, so sorry

Gerwurtztraminer · 01/04/2023 12:52

OP, I think you are sensible to approach it the way you are. As you say, if she just left, there's not much you could do about it so maintaining a good relationship and trying to control where she goes is a good thing.

I moved out at 16 after my mother and I had a massive falling out because she wanted to move in with her partner (yet again) and I was sick of moving all the time. Her answer was get a job & a flat then, but I wanted to stay at school.

Luckily older (late 20's) relative with her own house took me in. She had 2 other lodgers and I was in the tiny boxroom that she couldn't have rented out. Mum reluctantly paid some board for my food. I had part time jobs for pocket money and had to contribute to the flat, cooking, cleaning, being nice to people (no teenage strops) etc. Got myself to school every day, did OK academically, did after school clubs and although I got up to some usual teenage mischief (drinking etc) was fairly well behaved given I had more freedom than most 16 year olds. Relative kept an eye on me and didn't let me go too off the rails and older flatmates were also a good influence.

As a result I think I was a lot more responsible and sensible than most kids my age. So it can work, with a decent environment and guidance. Not sure going flatting with another 16 year old would have worked well, so glad you are not entertaining that idea OP.

My relationship with my mother was OK once not living together. I even moved back in with her for 6 months after I left school, then went flatting on my own.

Original poster

mucky123 · 01/04/2023 22:25

Gerwurtztraminer · 01/04/2023 12:52

OP, I think you are sensible to approach it the way you are. As you say, if she just left, there's not much you could do about it so maintaining a good relationship and trying to control where she goes is a good thing.

I moved out at 16 after my mother and I had a massive falling out because she wanted to move in with her partner (yet again) and I was sick of moving all the time. Her answer was get a job & a flat then, but I wanted to stay at school.

Luckily older (late 20's) relative with her own house took me in. She had 2 other lodgers and I was in the tiny boxroom that she couldn't have rented out. Mum reluctantly paid some board for my food. I had part time jobs for pocket money and had to contribute to the flat, cooking, cleaning, being nice to people (no teenage strops) etc. Got myself to school every day, did OK academically, did after school clubs and although I got up to some usual teenage mischief (drinking etc) was fairly well behaved given I had more freedom than most 16 year olds. Relative kept an eye on me and didn't let me go too off the rails and older flatmates were also a good influence.

As a result I think I was a lot more responsible and sensible than most kids my age. So it can work, with a decent environment and guidance. Not sure going flatting with another 16 year old would have worked well, so glad you are not entertaining that idea OP.

My relationship with my mother was OK once not living together. I even moved back in with her for 6 months after I left school, then went flatting on my own.

So glad it worked for you - despite lots of evidence against i suspect it will work for dd as she is a bit of a survivor. She does sometimes listen so might be able to get her to hang on until gcses and then lots of promises of different places that offer different options.

OP posts:

Villssev · 02/04/2023 11:47

@mucky123

you are “so glad that it worked out” for @Gerwurtztraminer

She was 16
forced to move out to avoid yet another move for her mother’s boyfriend
6 months in a box room that was too small to rent out
mother “reluctantly” contributed to costs

sounds bloody awful

stressedoutstudent · 02/04/2023 12:00

Catclown · 01/04/2023 02:44

I moved out young. Long story but I ended up with my own council flat at 16. It was an awful block of flats, I was terrified. I lived alone in a 3 bed flat that I could not afford on McDonald's wages.
I had cheap cord carpet in 1 room that I used as a bedit. I wanted to move to a flat that wasn't in such a terrible block and went to a Labour counsellor for advice. He told me to get myself pregnant wtf!
I didn't but I am sure many would have in my situation. This was the late 90s.

I have never felt settled in a home and have moved countless times. I have children now, I got married in my 20s and I have moved my family over and over again. Only now in my early 40s have I began over the last few years to feel settled and I cant help thinking it was due to having such a grown up responsibility as a child.

My kids know they can live with us forever if they want to. They all are lucky enough to have their own room and space. They have no need to move until they are ready, both emotionally and financially to cope with such a leap into adulthood.

She may want to move out to feel more independent but she will need you more than ever as she tries to get to grips with the adult world. Even going to stay away at a 6th form I don't know if that is too young. Please encourage her to enjoy her childhood without adult worries.

Having my own flat and responsibilities at 16 was the loneliest and most frightening time of my life. It still upsets me if I think about that time in my life.

I havent read all the replies so im not sure if others have said they did it and it was the best thing ever. But what of your daughter does move out and it ruins your relationship?

I could more or less word for word have written this post.

Moving out at 16 has affected my entire life, only now, in my early 40s, have i got a career, a stable home, and able to manage financially. Ive never felt capable of managing my life because when i was expected to, i didn't have the skills, and no one there to support me in learning these skills.

Now i may be successful in my job and having a stable home for my children, but they have missed out on so much because i didnt have a clue, and i often think how different all our lives would have been if id been older when i became independent. Now, i help my children. My oldest is 20 and still at home, he has a full time job and pays me board. I gradually decrease that board as he takes on more responsibility. Taking over his own phone contract, being responsible for buying his lunches for work each week. etc. Small changes that teach him to budget and pay bills on time until he is independent and can manage alone. These life skills are very hard, even for a mature 16 year old to manage.

I was also, incredibly lonely, i went from one bad relationship to the next, because being treated like shit in a toxic abusive relationship, was better than being on my own. I also put myself in danger at a very young age, as a partner for a night was better than a night alone. Im now happily and by choice single, and have been for 7 years. I cant imagine ever having a stable, non toxic relationship. And again, i wonder if that had been different if my life had taken another path.

Catclown · 02/04/2023 18:06

stressedoutstudent · 02/04/2023 12:00

I could more or less word for word have written this post.

Moving out at 16 has affected my entire life, only now, in my early 40s, have i got a career, a stable home, and able to manage financially. Ive never felt capable of managing my life because when i was expected to, i didn't have the skills, and no one there to support me in learning these skills.

Now i may be successful in my job and having a stable home for my children, but they have missed out on so much because i didnt have a clue, and i often think how different all our lives would have been if id been older when i became independent. Now, i help my children. My oldest is 20 and still at home, he has a full time job and pays me board. I gradually decrease that board as he takes on more responsibility. Taking over his own phone contract, being responsible for buying his lunches for work each week. etc. Small changes that teach him to budget and pay bills on time until he is independent and can manage alone. These life skills are very hard, even for a mature 16 year old to manage.

I was also, incredibly lonely, i went from one bad relationship to the next, because being treated like shit in a toxic abusive relationship, was better than being on my own. I also put myself in danger at a very young age, as a partner for a night was better than a night alone. Im now happily and by choice single, and have been for 7 years. I cant imagine ever having a stable, non toxic relationship. And again, i wonder if that had been different if my life had taken another path.

Show quote history

Yes the danger that you put yourself in, the choices you make. Its heartbreaking and I could not imagine putting my 17 year old daughter through that. She is good though, has a job and college and saves and knows how things are paid and how important budgeting is.

I often wonder if it had have been different but then, we wouldn't have the kids we have and I wouldn't have met my husband. It was an awful experience though, that shouldn't have to be repeated by anyone, ever again.

I'm glad you managed to get your life on track now though, in spite of your earlier circumstances