16 year old living away from home

[mucky123]

Posting shamelessly for traffic rather than aibu as such.

My DD is currently year 10 (age 15). She would like to move out of home at 16 after she has done her GCSEs (so for yr 12). I think she wants to carry on studying at that stage rather than get a job. Her friend is moving out at that age and she would like to stay with her. I said that obviously at that age it is up to her where she lives but whilst she can live with us I would not be bankrolling her living with this friend (friend is sweet but going off the rails a bit and it would not be good for DD).
I do think it would be good for DD to live away from us by that age both for her and for us but with the option of coming home regularly (weekends, holidays or as often as she wants).
Money is no real object (I'm happy to pay for accommodation/schooling if it gives us all a happier couple of years before she is officially an adult) and she is bright but not motivated. I have looked at sixth form boarding school but I am not sure if that will be exactly what she wants as there will be an intense being with others whether she wants it or not/lots of rules which I think she will not be too keen on.

I have heard on here a few times about posters with teens that live away and come back at weekend/holidays (there was recently the 17 year old DSS who came home, got drunk and had sex with a random - it was suggested that he lived in a bedsit mid-week).

Do you know of any options that aren't boarding school as such. More like a college with a bedsit or even a job with a bedsit. I'd just like to consider all options with her and google search isn't coming up with much.

Why would anyone want their 16 year old to move out!? I’m sorry but at 16 they are still a baby and they have no idea how the world works, I remember how daunting it was to move out at 20!

At 16 she is still a child and I think living with this friend sounds an awful idea!

If she wants the independent living, and you have money, then I would suggest a 6th form boarding school/college. There are loads of really good ones!

My cousin went to one as she was starting to rebel a bit. It gave her independence with boundaries which she really needed! She did really well there!

There's even a top 100 based on results:

I live near Hartpury and it's kind of in the back arse of nowhere for a 16 year old. Local buses aren't great and it's not cheap getting a taxi from Gloucester or Cheltenham. And unless she's sporty/horsey, it's a bit of a niche college.

I said that obviously at that age it is up to her where she lives

That's such a weird thing to say to a 15 year old, I don't even know where to start.

I do think it would be good for DD to live away from us by that age both for her and for us

What's the back story here?

I assume that there is a massive back story here with regard to the OP's relationship with her dd. I don't think many parents would consider this a good thing unless the relationship had pretty much broken down. 16 is still very young.

She'll be pregnant in no time

After your updates and the OP, it sounds like it's not really about moving out - if boarding is deemed too strict and she wouldn't like those other halls. It seems pretty clear that the real issue is this friend. Do you really think DD would be even entertaining the idea if this 'off the rails' friend wasn't doing it? She's seen her friend doing it and wants to live with her and get up to god knows what, which isn't really being independent or the diligent set-up that a PP described doing in a flatshare at 16. It's evidence that she's immature - quite the opposite of someone ready to move out, and it's a recipe for disaster.

I don't know what your relationship is like that it's come down to whether you can legally make her stay home. There must be some backstory, because it's not about the letter of the law - which was made for different times and it seems to be this generation is less mature than in the past, esp having endured lockdowns. Most parents would be able to make their DC bin this idea or just lay down the (family) law and say no way in hell, wait until you're older.

Rather than entertaining the idea, I'd be treating this the same as if she was hanging around with other bad influence friends, getting into drugs or getting pregnant or whatever. Steer her well away from that friend, get her focused on something more constructive for her future, and have counselling if needs be. She's not the boss of herself yet and you need to save her from her mistakes.

Hurtwood House looks amazing. Obviously getting in might be difficult (although she is pretty bright (currently in Grammar school) and articulate and creative). It's also close enough I could get her on a Friday night easily. I will talk to her about doing a visit/open day. It's something that could be inspiration to stick in at the GCSE's, the hope of something different. Course fees are eye-watering but it would be worth it I think.

Even if an adult was to sign a lease no reputable landlord will allow 16 year olds to be resident.

There are plenty of non-reputable landlords who would. They also would let in other non-reputable tenants. Recipe for disaster.

My DSD has wanted to live independently since she was 14, stemming from a very difficult home life with her mum and her believing she is much more adult than she is.

She's nearly 18 now, and has been with us since 14. It has been a turbulent 4 years. She's off to work abroad this summer, and plans to come home afterwards.

Not a day goes by where she doesn't announce a bizarre scheme of some sort. If left to her own devices she'd have been in real trouble by now. Luckily, we've been on hand to talk through her plans with her, explain the pitfalls, and help sort them out and help deal with the fallout when she ignores us. So far, so little trouble... not saying we've had a 100% success rate, but better than if she'd been left entirely unchecked!

Her moving out at 16 would have been a complete shitstorm. She wasn't emotionally mature enough to deal with day-to-day hiccups, let alone anything anything major.

It'd be a no from me.

16 is a very vulnerable age, I personally wouldn't allow my child especially daughter to live independently but that's just me.

Op, why aren't you answering the pp's asking what the backstory is? There clearly is one.

Because it's none of your business. I wasn't interested in advice on that, I am interested in what other people on mumsnet might have done/heard of for offering a form of independence at 16. Some of the advice has been quite helpful and I have a number of different options/websites.

Hurtwood is not academically selective - they look for students who will “fit” and a lot of students are round peg in square hole type kids who are looking for something different to what they have had before. It’s way more relaxed than a traditional boarding school, teachers called by their first names etc

The back story might be relevant in terms of options, OP. I looked into accommodation options for one of dd's friends at that age because her relationship with her parents had completely broken down. There was supported accommodation available through the local council, but eligibility was based on an assessment by Social Services, with priority obviously being given to those with the greatest need.

Of course, it's totally fair enough if you don't want to share the back story. It is indeed none of our business. However, the detail might inform some of the options that are available to you.

16 seems to be the "magic age" for all sorts of things ,leaving home, having sex and until a while ago smoking cigarettes! However the reality is most kids of this age, are not equipped for life ,and run the risk of all sorts of problems with no adults to supervise them.I would be unhappy about this .Its only a couple of years to 18 and then it still seems young unless at Uni or something.

16 seems to be the "magic age" for all sorts of things ,leaving home, having sex and until a while ago smoking cigarettes!

I maybe old-fashioned, but 16 is way too young for sex. Yes, its legal, but only because many teens are sexually active anyway and it would be counterproductive to criminalize all the young lovers.

I would have been devastated if my DDs had expressed wanting to leave home then. In fact I was last year when dd1 moved out at 21.

can’t believe you’re so blasé about it. Have you not got a good relationship with her or something?

Does she want to move out so she thinks she will be able to go out evert night have parties, girlfriends:boyfriends over, get drunk all the time, stay in bed all weekend, smoke/vape whenever she wants because if that's the case she's going to need a job and doing all the above and paying rent on a 16 year olds wage isn't going to happen.

If her friend is moving out anyway why don't you say to her she stays with you in the week and she can get an evening job/weekend job and she can use that money to pay her friend on the weekend to stay there with her and go out and do whatever she wants. All sounds ridiculous to me but everyone is different.

Side note friends that live together young can easily fall out over mess/bills/spending too much time together it's a lot for a 16 year old to navigate

I moved out at 16, to agriculture college and lived in halls

Because it's none of your business. I wasn't interested in advice on that, I am interested in what other people on mumsnet might have done/heard of for offering a form of independence at 16

But 99% of posters will have zero experience of this. Most of us with children of this age have them living at home, doing Highers/A-levels, debating whether or not to leave home to go to uni in a couple of years. Not doing Nat 5s/GCSEs and moving out into a flat!

It's deeply weird. Going to boarding school or some sort of specialist dance or music school with boarding houses (staffed by adults) is totally different from being desperate to get rid of your 16 year old into independent living with a friend.

Thank you for your post, that was kind and thoughtful. I understand what you mean. No the relationship has not broken down and she has a safe, happy, large and comfortable home here (no blended family). We would not put her in SS accommodation (and even though she might try to get it if she thought that was a way of living on her own I doubt they would give it to her as they will see she is safe here).
She is going through a very difficult phase (has been for about 2 years). She is fine at school and does loads of extra-curricular where she is polite, helpful, friendly. She doesn't seem to be misbehaving (bit of vaping tried, not much drinking (certainly never drunk), lots of boyfriends but I'm pretty sure no sex, no staying out beyond curfews). You wouldn't think from the outside there wasn't anything wrong.
Without going into detail, home is very, very hard. She is a confused but headstrong young person. She cannot accept any boundary or advice. She thinks she knows everything. She has always been fiercely independent. She has counselling and is under camhs. I think this is just a phase but I also think she would be happier doing her own thing for at least part of the week - might make her appreciate what she has here. She is always nicer when she has been away on a scouting weekend or with school and comes back. She is travelling in the Summer on the world scout jamboree to Korea and she can't wait, the thought of the independence, being with other young people. She is attractive, vivacious and other young people seem to love her (boys and girls) although she only lets them get so close. We are by nature more homey, less interesting and she is quite scornful of us.

What I want is to show her possibilities of different types of future that is not staying here and going to the same school. There is independence at 18 but that seems like a lifetime away when you are 15 but if one of these schools/colleges take her fancy maybe she can imagine herself there and maybe she can aspire to that.

Sorry if I missed

but she is diagnosed ND, yes?

I moved out at 16 (I didn't really have a choice the house was too full) and it's the biggest mistake I ever made. I should've stuck it out. I ended up living in a homeless hostel and whilst everyone else my age was having fun, I was worrying about bills

Just fyi you are legally responsible for your daughter's wellbeing until she's 18.

The fact that you think this:
More like a college with a bedsit or even a job with a bedsit could be a solution is worrying.

If she doesn't get into the expensive 6th form boarding school, then you need a plan B. You also said you didn't think she will want to board.

I don't understand why you're being so passive. You can say no. She cannot move out. She can't rent property legally, she can't stay in a hotel. She needs to stay in some form of education.

Poor kid is only 15 and her parents want to get rid of her