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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

16 year old living away from home

160 replies

mucky123 · 30/03/2023 10:18

Posting shamelessly for traffic rather than aibu as such.

My DD is currently year 10 (age 15). She would like to move out of home at 16 after she has done her GCSEs (so for yr 12). I think she wants to carry on studying at that stage rather than get a job. Her friend is moving out at that age and she would like to stay with her. I said that obviously at that age it is up to her where she lives but whilst she can live with us I would not be bankrolling her living with this friend (friend is sweet but going off the rails a bit and it would not be good for DD).
I do think it would be good for DD to live away from us by that age both for her and for us but with the option of coming home regularly (weekends, holidays or as often as she wants).
Money is no real object (I'm happy to pay for accommodation/schooling if it gives us all a happier couple of years before she is officially an adult) and she is bright but not motivated. I have looked at sixth form boarding school but I am not sure if that will be exactly what she wants as there will be an intense being with others whether she wants it or not/lots of rules which I think she will not be too keen on.

I have heard on here a few times about posters with teens that live away and come back at weekend/holidays (there was recently the 17 year old DSS who came home, got drunk and had sex with a random - it was suggested that he lived in a bedsit mid-week).

Do you know of any options that aren't boarding school as such. More like a college with a bedsit or even a job with a bedsit. I'd just like to consider all options with her and google search isn't coming up with much.

OP posts:
Clymene · 30/03/2023 16:55

Comefromaway · 30/03/2023 15:12

Home stays are not just short term hosting of foreign students. I should know, my daughter lived in a home stay for two years.

Oh apologies. The pp mentioned Kent.

Can I ask why your DD did that? And was it just like staying with a different family? I'm just wondering how that will be better than the OP's daughter's current luxury life.

EyesOnThePies · 30/03/2023 17:07

I said that obviously at that age it is up to her where she lives

Not obvious to me!

No way would I consider for o moment a child of mine moving out to live with a going-awry friend!

Look for other ways to resolve tensions or aspiring independence.

Comefromaway · 30/03/2023 17:21

Clymene · 30/03/2023 16:55

Oh apologies. The pp mentioned Kent.

Can I ask why your DD did that? And was it just like staying with a different family? I'm just wondering how that will be better than the OP's daughter's current luxury life.

Show quote history

If you see my previous post it was so she could attend a specialist vocational performing arts college. The college provided a vetted list of home stay families and they told the families what they had to provide for the students.

Comefromaway · 30/03/2023 17:26

There are very few benefits available for under 18s who don’t have children. You can’t claim universal credit until ages 18 unless you are in care or there are other extreme circumstances.

Original poster
mucky123 · 30/03/2023 17:41

Sofa hopping is really what I suspect might happen for a while. Friend has lots of money, DD has none. She seems not to have too much of a problem with boundaries set by school or other authority figures at least at the moment so something like a boarding school or even a home stay attached to a college might work.

OP posts:
America12 · 30/03/2023 17:44

@mucky123 in one post you say money is no object you'd pay accommodation and schooling?
Then another post you've said you won't bankroll her ?
I moved out at 16 - it was a disaster.

Original poster
mucky123 · 30/03/2023 17:55

I won't bankroll her moving in with friend. I am happy to pay for accommodation/boarding house if she is going to do something like study (school or college) with accommodation or job with attached accommodation. Within reason I don't mind paying whatever it takes if it makes her happier than being here and she is safe (and to some degree also away from certain influences). (I think a very relaxed boarding school or sixth form college might be the answer).

OP posts:
thebestbirtheraccordingtoDD · 30/03/2023 18:17

My DS moved out not long after he turned 16 to go to a sports college which isn't available near here.
He lives in shared accommodation. He comes home weekends.
I

jumpingbean1810 · 30/03/2023 21:01

@mucky123
The SFCs in Cambridge are quite liberal I think
https://www.theguardian.com/education/alevels2000/table/0,,355874,00.html

Tellmethespoiler · 30/03/2023 21:19

I know a few who did this - they leave home to go to specialist colleges. The ones I know went to performing arts colleges, where you start at age 16. They live with a host family long term, or sometimes they can get student-type accommodation in halls and hostels, some of which cater for 16-year-olds. It’s very normal if you are in that sort of world.

Tellmethespoiler · 30/03/2023 21:37

Georgeandzippyzoo · 30/03/2023 13:54

But 16 isn't uni that is only starting alevels in the September.
There's a hell of a lot of difference in maturity and ability to look after yourself before starting a levels v starting uni.

Show quote history

You can start some degree and diploma courses at age 16. You go straight from GCSEs and don’t do A levels. It’s normal in the performing arts world.

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 30/03/2023 23:47

After reading your updates I can see a lot of similarities with my own DS1, who I posted about upthread. There was a couple of years around 16-17 where we both couldn't wait for the day he turned 18 and moved out - the mood in the house was awful! But by the time that day came, he had matured somewhat and at 19 he's still here and things are a lot easier.

I can see how you're just trying to be supportive, but I think there's value in considering the advice from parents of older kids who are telling you that this is a normal phase of teen rebellion and her behaviour might actually be a sign that she needs more parenting, not less.

2023andme · 30/03/2023 23:53

Hmmm I was difficult at 16 too and would have loved to move out and be bankrolled by my parents! All 16 year olds think their parents are lame. Looking back, the healthy boundaries and discipline at home served me well although no doubt hard on my mum. Hang in there.

MrsToothyBitch · 31/03/2023 00:41

I boarded from 16. Sixth formers tend to get more independence and space and we obviously had to manage a lot for ourselves. It definitely got me ready for uni! I love my parents but having some space from them was lovely, too. It definitely made me more grown up.

I went elsewhere but the state boarding school near me is highly rated. It doesn't have a sixth form per se, it feeds the local college but I think boarders can still board and transition to the college for lessons. It's the Royal Alexandra and Albert School if you want to look.

Otherwise I know 2 people my own age- early 30s, who left home or at least spent time away at 16 in the mid-late 00s. The first had a fight with her mum and got kicked out so her dad rented her a flat. She still had to go to school as part of him agreeing to bank rolling this; ironically she went to a boarding school but had stopped boarding because she wanted a job instead. She did eventually patch it up with her mum and go home but she appears to have been fine on her own in terms of day to day life. Pretty high flying now and was a very mature 18yo at uni. Could really easily have gone wrong though.

The other went to do a music course in London. The family didn't live locally and the course didn't seem to have accommodation/ point him at options like homestay so he used to book hostels for a few days at a time around classes & go up with his guitar, his laptop and a big rucksack. He liked it and seems to have got a taste for adventure from it. He studied music at uni after that and worked on cruise ships for quite awhile- he was a musical director in the end I think! Very much on his terms and with a specific goal in mind with regular breaks at home.

For the teen in the OP, boarding school which still has some structure, sounds the healthiest option.

magicthree · 31/03/2023 01:07

KillingLoneliness · 30/03/2023 12:09

Why would anyone want their 16 year old to move out!? I’m sorry but at 16 they are still a baby and they have no idea how the world works, I remember how daunting it was to move out at 20!

While I agree that a 16 year old still at school should be living at home, your sweeping statement that 16 year olds are still a baby is ridiculous. I know of young people who are more sensible than I am. I started full time work three weeks after my 16th birthday, and my younger cousin lied about his age and started work at 14 - not that I am suggesting that as an option for anyone. I did live at home when I first started working, but moved out at 16/17 to live with a slightly older friend. Nothing bad happened.

Toddlerteaplease · 31/03/2023 02:20

She does not get a choice at 16. Still far to young.

LicoricePizza · 31/03/2023 03:49

If finance isn’t an issue & you have the space what about a garden self contained pod for your DD? It could give her freedom but safety & a halfway idea??

BornBlonde · 31/03/2023 07:51

Perhaps summer may make her realise that being as independent as she desires is not a positive?

Have you Sat her down with an excel spreadsheet and talked through budgets? How much money she could make in a Saturday job versus the lifestyle she probably wants?

ninjafoodienovice · 31/03/2023 13:22

At my DSS college - a specialist one, there is the option to live in halls of residence as it's also a uni. So there are some students who live there from 16 mixing with 18+ year olds with no supervision or support. DSS's girlfriend is one of them and I'm very Hmm about it. It's very quiet at the weekend - most go home but the ones who live too far away are stuck and it gets lonely. They have to cook for themselves and sort out their washing etc and general life admin and I honestly think it's far too much too young.
I encourage DSS to invite his gf home at weekends and always offer to do her washing. But it's the lack of emotional support that bothers me the most. I think at 16 they are still children and need someone around who has got their back and they can go to go talk things through. I help when I can but there's no way my DC would be doing that. Leaving home at 18 is tricky enough.

EmmatheStageRat · 31/03/2023 14:05

Flatandhappy · 30/03/2023 10:53

Wow, if any of my kids had wanted to move out at 16 I would have considered that I had done a pretty shit job as a parent!

Well, some of us are not blessed with perfect lives. My DD1(15) is currently living with her grandmother as I need to keep her younger sister safe. DD1 is adopted and has a brain injury and is registered blind because she was born addicted to heroin and methadone. She also has ADHD and autism. DD is angry at the world because of her extremely poor start in life and her blindness, which hinders her studies and no doubt will curtail her employment opportunities (she is a very bright girl and is at a super-selective state grammar school). DD is violent and aggressive - mainly to me but also to her little sister - has screaming meltdowns that last for hours and disturb our neighbourhood.

Do I think I’m a shit parent for my DD1 currently having to live away from home? No, I do not! I consider it the least worst solution as there are no decent teen foster placements in my borough and anyway DD1 most probably needs a specialist therapeutic residential placement which would cost circa £300,000K a year and my LA would refuse - and after years of being bartered and bruised, literally and figuratively, I haven’t the energy to fight.

So, for now, my young teen lives away from home.

Happyface246 · 31/03/2023 15:32

Wow! The fact you’re even considering this blows my mind…,.

tealgate · 31/03/2023 16:56

Is it likely that she would take A levels? Or prefer a more vocational education?

Disneygirl37 · 31/03/2023 17:07

I think she's doing it for a reaction. She probably wants and needs you to say no. I think teenage years are when they need you most! I had a very tough time as a teen and couldn't wait to get out of home at 18 but that was because home wasn't great.
Now I'm older my mums having a really hard time dealing with regrets over those years.

danblack87 · 31/03/2023 17:23

Being a parent is repsonsbility AND this I think is wrong For many reasons. Yes, she needs her independence BUT ultimately it has to be monitored by a parent. TOO young to make those decisions by herself and would need maximum support and parental guidance. I am surprised that you would even consider this /// it's a very dangerous potential move.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 31/03/2023 17:23

Toddlerteaplease · 31/03/2023 02:20

She does not get a choice at 16. Still far to young.

Oh, I did.

I left for college in the morning and then never went back to the house again. Would have been better if I'd presented to Social Services as homeless, rather than finding the first bloke who would have me and moving in with him, but there was no way anybody could have got me back there without bashing me on the head and typing me up with duct tape.

And if she decides to do that because she's informed that she isn't allowed to do a 'halfway' version, there isn't a thing the OP could do about it, as the Police will not pick her DD up and carry her kicking and screaming into their car to bring her back.